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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Jugment Free at the Gym


This past year or so I have been working on trying to pack on a little muscle. Since I have made this brilliant transformation from the physique of a Pez dispenser to fat kid over the past few years I have made a conscious decision to no longer have a chest resembling the women in my immediate family (sorry Mom and Nikki.) I do this semi-daily torture to myself most of the time at a local Planet Fitness. A place that prides itself on being a "judgement free zone." This got me thinking a bit, mostly during my workout.

Isn't the whole reason we go to the gym is so when we are done with our workouts we can sit back and judge everyone else around us? Be it at the mall or at your place of business. How great does it feel to be able to look at someone else and think to yourself if not out loud. "I look better than that slob." I mean look at that guy over there. Do a sit up every once in awhile pal!

I eat one healthy meal in a day and suddenly I feel like Richard Simmons incarnate just not with the silly shorts. Look at Richard even though. Of course he looks in shape. Every time we see him on video Sweating to the Oldies he is surrounded by the 300 lb club or on Good Morning America he always seemed to stand next to Al Rocker before the lap band surgery. I'm damn near certain if you grilled his managers they would confess there is a rider in his contract to never be placed in public next to anyone at least the size of Sally Struthers.

Women, I'm sure there are some of you that say I don't care how I look when I workout I only do it for me. Yeah, so you can look down on all the other poor shlubs out there with muffin tops, rocking sweat pants when they are not in the gym. These are the same women that forward the people of WalMart website to all their friends and after they check it out walk a little taller. 

Side note: If you have not seen this website you MUST check it out.

While I am on to the women I would like to thank Little Miss Nipples for showing us all that your breasts are still very perky. Now how in Gods name are we suppose to take anything you say seriously as you curl 10 lb dumbbells. Even worse every time you cross my path I want to yell "I think the turkey's are done!" Or keep asking her "Are you pointing to me or to that guy over there?" Extra points to you for showing us all your sweaty moose knuckle while doing crunches in tight yoga pants. Yes it is extremely awkward when  we make eye contact through some odd mirror triangulation but thank goodness those mirrors and great lighting exist so our own sense of shame keeps us in check. Do you realize how hard it is to do lunges with a raging hard on?

While we are on the topic of women and their workouts I want to meet the outstanding beautiful individual that came up with the idea of the "Vaginator" workout machine. Whoever came up with this is sheer genius. The woman goes and just like her last OBGYN visit places her feet in the stir-ups. Then proceeds to workout what I can only believe are her vagina muscles in front of the entire gym. Thank you Jesus!!! There have been occasions where I almost have had to ask if my membership rates are going up due to this daily show. If you are a guy and attempt this machine stop yourself now. You should ceremonially be subjected to bitch slaps by every heterosexual male in the gym and kicked in the junk by any lesbian within 50 miles of the place.

Now to the guys. If you are the kind of guy showing up at the gym to workout with 3 or more of your "workout buddies." First of all that is a sweet tribal band around your arm and by all means use a bit more bronzer. You don't look fake tan enough. Second turn down the Rocky sound track in your headphones and stop throwing punches in the air while doing situps. You almost knocked out Nana while she was on her way to the elliptical machine. Finally you don't have to keep telling us you were on the wrestling team in high school, we can already tell by the Tap Out shirt that is 2 sizes too small. Now quit this gym and go buy some baby oil and a singlet already. Get on the mat on all fours and have your pals one by one mount you from behind. The winner is the guy who pins the other down for a 3 count or looses his anal virginity first.

Every gym seems to have the "your doing it wrong guy." He's the muscle bound guy who comes around telling you how your form is all wrong or how you can maximize whatever exercise you are doing completely unsolicited and without a single credential or shred of education backing him up. The only thing that makes this guy qualified is that he has a yearly subscription to Flex Magazine.  Where was this clown when I was trying to score with any woman that would give me the time of night in high school? I can only picture him tapping on the steamed up car window prepared to share his pearls of wisdom while I was clumsily fumbling with her bra hooks as he tried to explain how the clitoris is sort of like the primer on the lawn mower and if you work with it a bit and the vagina doesn't turn over not to kick it like the aforementioned mower. Oh, and that flooding in this case is actually a good thing.

The bottom line to all this is get to the gym. At the very least it's a fun place to people watch and while you're at it lift a weight or two. Then take pride in your judgement of others. It is bound to happen to even the best of us.


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