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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn

There have been more than a few times in the past few months I have thought about the Sunscreen song by Baz Luhrmann. This song is essentially a play on the article "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997.

Later this piece was said to have been a commencement speech given by none other than author extraordinaire Kurt Vonnegut to the MIT graduating class of 97. This proved to be erroneous seeing as the speaker that year at MIT was Kofi Annan the Secretary General of the United States from January of 97 to December of 2006. Co-Winner of the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize for his founding of the Global AIDS and Health Fund. Blah blah blah, history lesson is now over...

My reason for bringing this up is this song and a later parodied version by Comedian Chris Rock entitled "No Sex in the Champagne Room" Got me thinking. The two songs are basically small tid bits of advice set over music. I won't go into too much detail as both versions are here for your listening pleasure. This however sparked my own ideas of things I think everyone should know. So below I have compiled a list I have entitled Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn. Feel free to put this over a good slow track in your head. Preferably something with a good bass line to it.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- If you have a Soul Patch and a arm band tattoo you are probably the guy everyone is talking about when they say "that guy is a douche."
- No man likes when women wear dirty flip flops. If you have a pair you call your "dressy flip flops" or high heel flip flops, then you should get a thank you letter from Wal-Mart for keeping them in business. Because I guarantee you most of your furniture came from the same place.
- If you live in a double wide trailer and say to your friends "See its not that bad." The minute you turn your back they are saying it is worse than that.
-  Yes, everyone is looking at you funny when you leave the store with the 36 roll pack of toilet paper.
- Any girl who says she "doesn't do that" has done it more than once and will do it again. Just not with you. 

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Stop with the duck lips already! Unless you have a busted looking smile then by all means Daffy continue on.
- If your tits are hanging out of your top men are going to stare. The same way if a guys nuts where dragging on the floor behind him there would be a cell phone picture or two.
- If you are over the age of 12 and not part of a 90's rap revival there is no reason you should be wearing your hat sideways.
- If you have naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone for God sake password protect the device at least. Because the one time you get hammered and lose your phone you can bet whoever finds it is going right to your picture gallery.
- Drink like a man. If your a guy that orders anything with pineapple juice at the bar on a regular basis and you are not from or on a tropical island be ashamed. Similarly if your girl drinks harder stuff than you. that relationship will not work unless you don't mind being referred to as "the pussy."

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- If you ever find yourself with your penis in one hand and a ruler in the other rest assured the good times are over. Much like a menu without prices, if you have to check you don't have enough.
- Going to church makes you a Christian as much as swimming in the ocean makes you a fish.
-It is always in the last place you look.
- Just when you think you have the ability to make ends meet, the committee will move the ends further apart.
- Exercise regularly, eat healthy, die anyway.
- If you are over the age of 25 it is time to put down the lime and salt and just take the shot straight up.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- The jeans are not what is making your ass look big.
- No one dances well at weddings so just get up and dance already.
- Don't ask that girl when she is due. Because if she is not, she will hate you and there is nothing you can say to go back and make it alright.
- People who want to share their religious or political views with you never want you to share yours with them.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Opportunities always look bigger leaving then when they are coming your way.
- Don't be a dick!
- Having a glass of water between Jagger Bombs just makes it tougher to find the bathroom between shots.
- Men never need a reason or mood to have sex.
- A GED is not the same thing as a diploma. 
- If you drink 10 light beers a night, your waist line should be the last of your concern.
- The line between being a collector and a harder is about a room full.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Should you ever find yourself with your junk in one hand and your smart phone camera pointed at yourself, feel free to draw a curtain on your life.
- The first person to curse the other out in any argument is the loser. Also you will never win any argument with a police officer or a referee. Especially if you curse one of them out.
- If you say "I'm sorry but, ..." then you are not really sorry.
- No one flosses everyday. Anyone who says they do is completely untrustworthy.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Enough with the "Tap Out" apparel. We all get it you think you're a real tough guy. Much like the "No Fear" line a few years back. Of course you have no fear when your rolling through the suburbs in your little SUV with the windows down and system turned up. But watch the bitch come out when the scenario is a bit more intense.  Anyone who wears that crap out should have to take a complimentary blast to the snot box by the door man to whatever club they are entering.
- Dude, its just a dollar more. Tip your bartender. 
- A great college course would be "How to take a hint 101."
- Never purchase a car you can not push.

 - You can't beat the computer at chess. Kickboxing however is another story.
- If it's stupid but it works, it's not so stupid.
- Know when to shut the fuck up!

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Your drink is not that important. When last call comes around put it down and live to play another day. Bouncers and police will win the fight.
- Smile already. Seriously if you find yourself out in a social setting and feel the need to mean mug you either need a anger management class or a laxative. 
- The best things in life are not free. Have you ever found a mint couch at the dump?
- Misery LOVES company! Sometimes misery will invite you over for dinner and a blow job but make no mistake even well disguised you will find misery eventually.
- Some days you are the dog, others you're the hydrant.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.


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