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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Friday, December 7, 2012

Hot & Not

Alright all the ladies reading this post get out your floor mat and sit Indian style around my chair it's lesson time once again. Now I know I have done posts like this in the past but I feel after this past couple of weeks  at the bar or just out and about and seeing what these ladies are wearing we need to talk about fashion and what men do and do not like. This is all with the backdrop of wanting to look appealing to the opposite sex. Especially with the winter months upon us in the frozen tundra that is New England. Now however all of us men will observe a moment of silence and shed a small tear for the loss of sundress season... 

Now back to the original message. Women's fashion and how it should be according to men. REAL men. First of all I think that all of you must remember that a large number of the guys being asked what looks good to men on women in the fashion industry are in fact gay men. No disrespect to them or their lifestyle but let's think about this. Are they really the guys that should be saying what is hot and what is not? Keep in mind I understand that this is a broad brush stroke and I absolutely give props to the fellas working it out at Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's of Hollywood. But they are definitely the exception and not the rule. I also propose next big NYC Fashion week that there should be a tent set up complete with kegs, flat screens and snacks (beef jerky, nachos etc...) Then let a panel of construction workers, police officers, firemen and military personnel be the ones to have the final say.

I also am of the full understanding that most of the articles I am describing are not the most comfortable to wear. I mean if I had to spend an entire day with a string sized wedgie or big spikes under my heels I would be a bit more cantankerous. So my solution to that issue is simple. Suck it up! fashion is painful. If you want to be comfortable become a plumber, get a spiky haircut and start batting for the other team. Lastly please take this in the proper tongue and cheek with plenty of male chauvinistic pig mixed in with sarcasm. If you can not see your way to the humor in this then it is not meant for you and move along. I have heard there a lot of great blogs out there about cupcakes, beading and home decor you might enjoy.

So let's get into this. I think we can all agree to what is hot. Although for conversation sake allow me to briefly review. Class is now in session.  

Hot - Shoes with 4"+ heel be it shoe, boot or cardboard boxes.

Not - Banged up nails. For the love of Pete please if you are wearing something that shoes off your toes please have those piggies in order. If your toes look like you just walked through the desert and you could take down a charging rhino with your toe nails look at something more prone to wearing socks. 

Not - Dirty flip flops or cork wedge sandals. The only thing cork wedge heels are good for is the ability for us men to tack a note to them saying "please never wear these again. PS - Love you."

Hot - V-neck sweaters that show off just the right amount of cleavage. 

Not - Cable knit turtleneck sweaters. Yes they are warm but you must understand that to us you look like a circumcised penis just after a dip in a cold pool.

Hot- Belly button rings on a tight stomach.

Not - Belly button ring on a doughy middle making you look like there should be a cable attached leading to little people below keeping the zeppelin grounded.

Hot - Boy shorts on a thick booty. Sir Mix-A-Lot had this one 100% correct.

Not - Skinny girl in granny panties. If your choice of underwear has slack in it or looks like the parachute attached to back of a hot rod then it's time to think about the next size down. I don't care what time of the month it is.

Hot - Skirts on a pair of shapely legs. I come from a long line of "leg men." Like my grandfather always use to say. "You know why I like legs so much? Because they lead right up to the ass." Yup he said it.

Not - Homemade dresses. I understand polygamists to an extent. Having that much help around the house and your choice of women on any given night to ride like you have a stable full of horses must be great. But why on earth would you let them dress like they do? I mean if you are making dresses at home in order to save money for the family OK. But why not save money on material as well? Religious beliefs? The God I have come to love wouldn't advocate this mode of attire that is for sure.

Hot - Short shorts with cowboy boots.

Not - Capri Pants. Who's bright idea where these? Seriously! They make your ass look wider, and legs look shorter and only good for keeping your ankle bones cool. Guys, if your lady ever wears Capri pants you are legally allowed to call her Gilligan, "Little Buddy" or Huck Finn till she either paints a fence or takes them off. And for any guy wearing them you must immediately upon being called out move to Vermont with your boyfriend making the journey on the back of his Vesper. Your man card can be returned at the borders of New Hampshire or New York. Capri pants on men are only permissible if you are living in Italy operating a singing gondola or about to run with the bulls in Spain.

Hot - Low rise skinny jeans on a toned body.

Not - tank tops with no bra on anything above a C cup. If your breasts look like the cheeks of a basset hound then it's time get that miracle bra with the lift and separate option.

Hot - The soft demure curves of the female body.

Not - Chicks that can bench press way more than most men. Yes, we are impressed that you can squat 450lbs however we will never let you touch anything in our pants of value to us for fear of crushing or breakage. We will also spend the entire time of an extended conversation with you wondering what you looked like as a dude and trying to find traces of your Adams apple. 

Hot - A great smile and bubbly personality. Don't get me wrong too much bubble is just plain annoying but a a woman that smiles when a picture is taken and laughs for real is worth her weight in gold. 
Not - Duck lips, gangster poses and the ever popular "you ain't shit unless you're buying something for me" look. 

I am sure this list could go on for miles but I will spare you an entire afternoon of reading.  Just a quick side note to the men: Be a man. Take a shower at least once a day weather you need it or not. If you have to ever "shape" your beard ie. the chin-strap, shave that shit and trim any other unnecessary hair. A little man-scaping goes a long way. Only order drinks for yourself that can be done in one word (Jack, Jim, Scotch, Beer) and tip your bartender very well.


1 comment:

  1. I think I may write the female version of this called "Hot or Not Men addition" Ive got some things to address....Chin straps, pants that sag enough to reveal the plaid boxers your mom bought you, smelling like weed, calling your bartender "honey, sweetie, blondie" ..I could go on and on.