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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Drink Like a Man

Saturday night I was faced with a dilemma I often face when it comes to men that are "new drinkers." This title is usually set for customers between the age of 21 to 25. They haven't been allowed to come sit at the bar and now that they can it is time to play stump the bartender. This conversation usually starts with them asking "can you make a ..." The whole time they are looking at some random cocktail website full of fu-fu drinks. Saturday night a guy sat at my bar and while trolling the Internet on his cell phone asked if I could make a "Electric Blue Popsicle." I didn't have blueberry schnapps and even if I did there was no way in hell I was going to make a straight guy sitting next to a pretty girl a chick drink. If you are ever going to be taken seriously by a woman a sure fire way to blow it is to have a bright blue drink with all sorts of fruit hanging out of it. You might as well go to a biker bar and order a Shirley Temple. So my answer was a simple "no."

Electric Blue Popsicle
(I know you want to know what is in it now.)
1 oz. Blue Curacao
1.5 oz. Sour Mix
1 oz. Triple Sec
1.5 oz. Blueberry Schnapps

Now normally I would have ripped this kid a new one the whole time telling him to relinquish his man card and asking him where he left his testicles prior to arriving at my bar. Then ask him if he would like me to put it in his sippy cup. If this where a woman asking for this drink I would have more than likely let it slide. However in a case such as this the young buck really doesn't know any better. He has never been taught how to drink like a man.

Now the term drink like a man doesn't men you must drink something that immediately upon ingestion grows hair on your chest or gives you a moustache even Burt Reynolds would be proud of. It doesn't need to make you cringe when you sip it nor must it cause temporary blindness. However a few rules to the guys out there when ordering a cocktail.

1. If your bartender is wearing flare (silly buttons, suspenders or some other goofy crap) then only order something off the menu or a beer. Chain restaurants usually take their "bartenders" from their server pool. In other words they rarely will hire a bartender off the street to come in and be a bartender. They will usually train a server that has been with them for awhile to serve from behind the bar. They also only train them to make what is on the menu. If you go in and ask them for something special they will only be allowed to point at the menu and forget the ability to free pour. 

2. If it takes more than a sentence to order slow your roll. Bartenders are usually far to busy to be trying to figure out what is in your 8 liquor, 5 fruit juice, flaming cocktail smoking with dry ice. An average drink should take 30 seconds or less to make. Ordering something ridiculous will either get you ignored or in some cases told to "play hide and go fuck yourself!" Also no frozen drinks unless you are on a cruise ship or a a Caribbean island. As they say on Royal Caribbean Cruise ships when asking if you would like more rum in your drink. "Stronger for longer? The more you booze the better you cruise!"

3. If it has the name of a childhood dessert or candy in it, then it should be a dessert or candy. This isn't a candy shop and you are not a little girl. If the bar has a hop-scotch game drawn on the sidewalk to get in the front door then it's not a bar it's a daycare. Only enter if you want to find yourself on "Megan's List."

4. If the bartender or server suggests a drink without asking what you like then they have a sales goal or contest to see who can sell the most. The bar is trying to make a good margin to make up for crap sales that week and meet it's quota or they are trying to get rid of something. The amount of mixers will be high and the alcohol content will be low as will the quality. 

5.  If it's wine you want check the price list. If the most expensive glass is $8 then they are serving the equivalent of  "2 Buck Chuck" wine found at Trader Joe's. Not a bad wine if you are only paying the $2 for a bottle and your goal for the night is to have a cheap date with a girl with low morals while watching a DVD. Bar's and restaurants typically like to make the price of the bottle on the first or second pour. Now a standard bottle of wine is about 25 fluid ounces and a standard pour is about 4 ounces. If a bottle costs $8 that is typically the cost per glass. Do the math for profits to the bar per bottle. This is why most establishments will not serve high quality wines. Once that bottle is opened then they are up against the clock to sell it. a opened bottle of red wine is only good for 3 to 5 days before it begins to oxidize and lose it's luster. White wine is a couple months if refrigerated. The last thing a establishment wants to do it be stuck with the cost of a $100 bottle of wine. So they will either only sell it by the bottle or not carry it at all. A $30 bottle of red will usually garner a price tag of $12 - $15. Be ready and don't get sticker shocked.

6. Check the people in the bar. NEVER try to order a martini in a bar filled with guys in work boots, women in black t-shirts and a line of bikes out front. Get a beer. It comes in a glass bottle and that could be used as a weapon if you need one. Your bartenders here will have a great rack and a low cut shirt and they don't expect to get tipped on their drink creativity.

7. Don't ask a bartender what is his/her favorite drink to make. You will get a $5 Bud Light.

8. Acquire a taste for something simple. Spirits served either on the rocks or neat take a certain amount of time to acquire the taste. Start slow and on the rocks. Ice in a drink will soothe the harshness of the alcohol and amplify any natural flavors. My personal favorite is Red Stag. This is a black cherry infused bourbon by Jim Beam. Over ice the black cherry flavor comes up and the bourbon becomes smooth.  If you like something a bit more fruity try a coconut or otherwise flavored rum on the rocks. The benefits are it looks you know how to drink and adds an air of sophistication. One of the hottest women I know was a redhead named Sam. While all the other girls would come to the bar ordering a vodka redbull she would order Jack up. Just plain sexy when a woman is assertive and knows how to drink like an adult.  

9. Learn how to sip. I like to call this the "act as if rule." If you are at the bar double fisting and taking down a drink every 2 minutes a good bartender will be watching and will send you packing. bartenders HATE drunks. They are a pain in the ass to deal with, generally do not tip well, are a nuisance to other customers, they make the bar look bad and are a big risk to send off into the night for fear of a accident. Bartenders do not want to babysit your drunk ass. Nor do your friends. When they are forced to do this bad things happen and you will normally wake up with your pants on inside out and Sharpie all over your face. Get a nice stiff drink on the rocks and learn how to sip it all night. It shows you have your shit together and you know how to keep control.

10. Tip like a boss... enough said.

Now getting back to my original point. I let the aforementioned guy off the hook because he was young and didn't really know better and in his searching the web for an "Incredible Hulk" and "Irish Trash Can" I decided to give the wifi a break and let me do what I do best. That is when I came up with the "Old Fashioned Georgia Peach." When I worked for a large sports bar and night club the bouncers would want something strong at the end of the night to make the headache go away. So I came up with "A kick in the dick" shot. A heavy handed pour of Jack Daniels with a Splash of Peach Schnapps to help them forget about getting punched in the head while breaking up fights all night. I crossed this with a Old Fashioned and Manhattan and the taste is great little whiskey cocktail fit for a man.

Old Fashioned Georgia Peach
In a rocks glass muddle 2 cherries and a orange slice and agastino bitters.
Fill the glass with ice.
Splash of Sweet Vermouth
2 oz. - Jack Daniels
1 oz. - Peach Schnapps
Garnish with a slice of Peach
Toss and serve.

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