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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden (GOLF)

I have been playing a fair amount of golf lately. No matter how much I play it is one of the few sports that I just can never break through. I could be having the best game of my life and eventually I will want to pick up my bag of clubs and toss them in the nearest water hazard out of frustration. But golf is a funny game and sort of like a sexy woman that has told you "no" a million times and then turns around and backs her ass up into you on the dance floor. You can knock the ball into every hazard, set of woods and sand trap. Then hit one solid shot that lands perfectly on the green setting you up for the perfect little 3 inch put and you have hope once again. Even when you score a triple Bogey (6) on a par 3.  Yup, I just compared the game of golf to a cock tease.
“I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer

Even better you tend to have a lot of thoughts and emotions running through your head when playing a round. Especially if you go out alone. A round of golf is meant to be a relaxing game however for the hyper competitive among us all we can picture is getting our ass handed to us by the invisible competitor and makes us want to drink more. Although if you can get past that point then golf can be relaxing.

Caddy Shack
Carl: "This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff."

Even further you have to love a game that you can wear virtually anything to the field of battle. There is absolutely no uniform for golf. John Daily comes to play in just about anything short of a sad face clown getup all while looking like a pregnant mother smoking a cigarette. There are even some golfers that still wear the old fashion knickers. The Euro players tend to hold less vibrant colors however they have now adopted the skinny high waisted pants looking like the eternal wedgie. Some call golf a "lifetime sport" meaning that you can virtually play till you are 166 years old and forget being in shape. Tiger Woods even at his most doughy of times looks like a Greek God in comparison to some of the others.

“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” – Gerald R. Ford

I hesitate to even calling golf a sport. Yes, it takes great skill, stamina and even decent strength. But what really classifies something as either a "sport" or an "activity?" I know the elite of the world would probably refute the notion of golf being called an activity. My personal feeling is if you can smoke a cigar or drink a beer while doing it then it is not a sport. I mean when was the last time you saw Kobe Bryant or LeBron James come over to the sidelines and crack a Budweiser mid-game? It's not just golf in this category though. The following I consider "activities" and not sports, golf, darts, pool, poker (why is it on ESPN?) slow pitch softball, bowling and curling.

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. -Tiger Woods

Back to golf and a long walk spoiled by a little white ball. Inevitably you start to talk to yourself a bit and through all this is a greater appreciation for the game. So here are some realization, thoughts and sayings that you may hear when on the course. Feel free to use/ regurgitate them at will next time you find yourself walking the links.

Golf Terminology and Abbreviations:

"Give a penny, take a penny" - This is when you hit a ball into the woods and you go to look for it only to find another ball that isn't yours.

Banana Ball - When your ball flies in the shape of a banana from a hook or slice.
Harvesting - When you pass the driving range and gather up a few balls there to stick in your bag to use at home.

"I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies." - Will Rogers

U.S.G.A. - For the serious golfer this stands for United States Golf Association. For the rest of us it stands for "U Suck Go Again."
"That and a nickle will get you on the subway." - When you hit an errant shot but the outcome works in your favor. ie: Hit the ball towards the woods but then it hits a tree and ricochets to the center of the fairway.

Chicken Stick - A safety club that allows you to lay up instead of going for it with a stronger club.

"I'm not feeling well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course." -Groucho Marx

Worm burner - This is a line drive shot that skips low along the ground usually after topping the ball with your driver.
Afraid of the dark - When your ball refuses to go in the hole.

Adolf Hitler - Two shots that land in the bunker.

Cart Jockey - The golf ranger or grounds manager that goes trolling around the course looking for wrong doers.

"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course." -Billy Graham

Foot Wedge - A way to assist a golfer in cheating his way out of trouble! It is where the golfer uses his foot to nudge the ball into a better lie.

Army Golf - When you hit the ball left then right, then left and right zig zagging the course.

Kitty Litter - The bunker

Saddam Hussein - going from bunker to bunker

Sunday Ball - Same thing as a "Do-Over" or a "Lunch Ball", and similar to taking a "Mulligan".

Caddy Shack
Judge Smails (Ted Knight): "You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself."

Ty: Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch."

U-Turn - Putt that rolls almost all the way around the edge of the "Cup" before actually coming out and around without falling in.

Yips - A nervous disorder that afflicts some players during their putting stroke on the green. A distinct difficulty in taking the putter back, along with shaky hands and the absence of optimism, constitutes a case of the"Yips".

Carl Spackler (Bill Murray): "Cinderella boy. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper now about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"

Things heard on the golf course that just sound Dirty...
Dammit I bent my shaft!
After 18 holes I can barely walk.
You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
Aren't you going to use a glove?
How many strokes did it take to get in in?
Look at the size of his putter.
I just tapped it when I should have hit it harder.
I guess I'll be hitting it in the sand.

I can't wait to grab a beer and a smoke after the 18th hole.
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
I just love the sound of my ball going in the hole.
The hole seems like it is a mile wide today.
Can I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it.
My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
Don't mind me I'll just be over here washing my balls.

Carl: "So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas."

Angie D'Annunzio: "A looper?"

Carl: "A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald ... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a 10,000-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? 'Gunga galunga .... gunga, gunga-lagunga.' So we finish the 18th and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that going for me, which is nice."
Best Golf Movies of All Time
Caddy Shack
 Happy Gilmore
Tin Cup
The Legend of Bagger Vance


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