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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Online Dating

I have been working tirelessly and diligent to make this site into the corporate Fortune 500 jugernault it can and will be! (Please stifle your laughter till the end.) The latest of these is or as I like to call it and any other dating website "The land of misfit children." There are tons out there to choose from now to. So all depending on the sort of special someone you are looking to add to your life I am certain there is a site for you. is the #1 rated site according to But really there are 100+ sites out there. So who really knows what is the best. What is the criteria for judging here. What makes a site the best site? I am pretty sure that when Vice President Al Gore created the internet his hopes for the future were porn and dating at your fingertips because these are the two largest industies to be found on the world wide web today.

Side note: Did you know you no longer have to put the "www." before your internet address you are going to? Just like you no longer have to dial the number 1 before the phone number if calling from a cell phone. When did this all happen? One day a co-worker told me to check out a website and when I started typing www. they all started to giggle. Ha ha ha Charles is so old he still uses the www! Why was I not in the loop? A lot of embarrassment could have been saved that day. It wasn't like I was looking for the crank to start up my car or anything but seriously I couldn't have felt more like Methusela than I did that day. There should have been a memo sent out or a news bulletin like the ones they run at the bottom of the screen. This leads me to worry what if something bigger comes along and I am not in the know? Something "Shit is going to be falling from the sky so be sure not to leave your house without a helmet!" There I would be all fat, dumb and happy just walking around without a helmet... I really should start paying closer attention.

Going to these sites is sort of like antiquing. You go with the intention of finding a gem. A diamond in the rough that no one has yet to discover. Altough keep in mind no matter how great they seem, how sexy they are, how brilliant they may be... Someone somewhere is sick of their crap! So you go to that antique shop in hopes of blowing the dust off some great treasure when in fact you just end up wading through other peoples trash. Think of all the stuff that can't be sold at auction or donated to charity and there you have it. The odds and ends of the dating underworld just waiting to be swept up in love. Just like that antique shop all the could be treasures are either missing something, have a giant crack in them or even worse smell funny! It is as if the owners of these sites are saying "here take this one home. Sure it has a big head and funny ears and farts in it's sleep, but it likes to cuddle and won't pee on the rug. I would bring them all home but I have a dog."

List of some of the more niche dating/personals sites out there:
(Be afraid! Be very, very afraid of some of these!...)
AdultFriendFinder - These are booty calls waiting to happen. A step up from Craigslist.
PerfectMatch - with more Wonderluk type personality evaluations.
Zoosk - indeed or expedia of the dating world. They combine all the profiles from all the dating sites.
MatchMaker - Get set up on a date. Sort of like being set up by a virtual mom. 
Lava Life - Their commercials look like you are calling a 900 number sex chat line. - The fastest way to answer "what are you wearing?" It is never what you hope for.
Anastasia Date - Where American men go to find Russian mail order brides
Out Personals - Gay dating - Want a spanking? Here is a place to find one. Whips and chains excite this group.
Christian Mingle - By the Lords devine intervention it will bring you the perfect match. Amen!
Ashley Madison - Married people hooking up.

Black Singles - For people of color is what their marketing material says.
Sugar Daddies - If you are looking for that old guy with a fat wallet and a foot in the grave
JDate - Oy Vey why can't you meet someone nice already? You know the Wienstien girl married a doctor! 
Senior People Meet - First they just have to remember where they put the darn computer...
Trek Passion - Set your phasers for "Love."
Darwin Dating - Only the beautiful people are allowed on this site. Who is the judge here?
Farmers Only - Redneck lovin' Yeeehaww! Most common opening message: "You sure got a purty mouth! Reminds me of my momma.
Meet-an-inmate - Gives you the opportunity to become pen pals with a lonely inmate of your choice. 
Tall Love - Meet people of height

STD Match - Infected people need love too.
POZ Match - HIV Positive relationships. For those who don't want a long term commitment.
Cancer Match - For those with Cancer.
Deaf Passion - For those who never want to have to say "I love you."
No Longer Lonely - For people with mental illness. Meet a nice bi-polar girl and have a 3-some. 
Perscription 4 Love - For people with a wide array of illnesses. 
Sea Captain Date - If you don't like her make her walk the plank!
420 Dating - Where everyone is groovy man. Legalize it!
The Right Stuff Dating - For the graduates of the Ivy League Schools. Is that a ruler in your pocket? Yup! - For those really really really into the furry 4- legged creatures .
Geek 2 Geek - If you LOVE Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica and all things geeky, this is the place for you. 
Purrsonals - Think of Dr. Evil with Mr. Bigglesworth here. You really have to love your cat. PS: your cat hates you. 

Also all of the children in the land have their very own window where they can be on display. The photos they use to present themselves are suppose to be a brilliant representation of who they are. Along with the pictures are a few paragraphs about them, their hopes and dreams and the signifigant other they wish to complete them as a perfect being.

Now I realize I am far from the worlds greatest catch. I too belong on the bargain shelf in the super market. You know the one set way back where no one can see it right away. Things like seaweed flavored soda and the pork jello. We all have an opinion of ourselves and who who we deserve to belong with. Even a 2 on the hotness scale considers themself to be at least a 5. Ask the biggest train wreck you know where they think they land on that scale and I garantee it is nothing less than a 5. No one thinks they are that bad no matter how many teeth they are missing. Now allow me to say this, I too am a dented can. There should be a 50% sticker on me somewhere and maybe there is. I am just not that flexible and I refuse to go looking for it. I prefer to just remain oblivious. And I still think I'm somewhere between a 5 and a 7.

That is what these dating sites will do to you though they will tinker with your emotions and prey on your insecurities. You may feel good about yourself one day having a great hair day or maybe you are wearing your lucky underwear or maybe you woke up able to wear your skinny jeans without having to get out the vise grips and Crisco. Whatever it is that is making you feel spectacular and lucky is going on for you and then you take a stoll over the dating website to see someone mildly attractive and you think, "they are going to see this new selfie I am about to post of me in the bathroom and want to date me for sure." You then conjure up your massive command of the english language and come up with a witty subject and humorus introduction that is for sure going to get your foot in the door. You are already seeing a bright dating future with this adonis of a human being and the kids you will have will be all the envy of the public. You picture it as Brad and Angelina, Oprah and Steadmond and You and this future spouse. Everything is about to be coming up roses. Then you hit send on your message in a bottle. And now you wait.... And wait... and wait... A day goes by, 3 days and now a week, finally look to see if they got the message or even better read it. They have and still no response another day, 3 days and then a week and still no response. Are you serious! You now find yourself on the corner of Depression and Dispare.

So my newest advertiser is They seem to know what they are doing and my hope is that all of you looking find what you are looking for in a special someone to share your life.




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