When I was in my very early 20's AOL was HUGE. Remember "You've got mail!" and that screeching fax machine sound that goes along with a dial-up modem? If you do, you're old like me... OK moving on. Back during this time I had a friend named Mike. He knew everyone and was sort of an AOL chat room Sherpa. He knew just about everyone and everything about them. I think he spent his days and nights merely talking in chat rooms. Mike also knew me a bit and knew I was a bright eyed bushy tailed kid who was always up for getting a little "stank on my hang low." One night we where hanging out at a bar and we got to talking about our personal bucket lists. A bucket list for those of you who don't know already is a list of things you want to do or see before you kick the bucket (die.)
Well of course there were all the usual things like jump out of a plane, see the world and of course when men get to talking it inevitably turns to sex. Now remember we had more than a few bowls of loud mouth soup in us and what would be normally a fairly easy sexual list (3some with super models, 4 some with super models and one on one with Cheryl Teague) got a bit more twisted. This is when Mike dropped the bomb that he was friends with a midget that loved sex! Holy crap sign me up! My bucket list just got a bit more interesting and twisted.
Now please I am not trying to offend any little people out there. I have no clue what you want to be called if any of you are reading this. I am sorry if I offend any of you as it is not my intent. I know there has been much awareness raised over the recent past with TV shows such as "Little People, Big World" and Then there is always Bridget the Midget stripper/ porn star turning the nation. I am told there is a bar in Pittsburg, PA that if you tip the bartender $50 and turn around with your face up and mouth open a midget comes running out of a gate at the end of the bar with a bottle of shots and pours them down peoples throats. I digress. My point being this story is not meant to poke fun at midgets or little people or those with dwarfism in anyway it just so happens that Mike knew a midget that was DTF (down to fuck) and here I was drunk and all of 23 years old. SIGN ME UP!!!
OK now allow me to explain what goes through the head of a guy, when he thinks about midget sex however has never actually experienced it. Warning this is about to get extremely twisted and dark! You might want to advert your eyes now! Picture the Harlem Globe Trotters and the song "Sweet Georgia Brown" being whistled in our ear as we spin, hop and toss around this basketball with a vagina. Toss her high to the ceiling and catch her on your cock still spinning. These are just a small couple of your mans twisted thoughts. Not just me! Yup that is exactly what first comes to every guys mind. If you are reading this right now with your special someone, just take a look at his face. Is he trying to hold back a laugh? Yup, thought so.
So a couple days go by and I get a Instant Message (IM) from Mike. He let me know that this girl is all set and good to go. Her name is Peaches and she lives about 2 hours away. He gives me her screen name so I can chat with her myself and set up the details. However for all intensive purposes the deal is done! I look her up and we chat a bit and keep in mind his is dial up and people couldn't just take a selfie like they do now on their cell to send a text picture. There was a whole process you had to go through. Take the picture, take it somewhere to get it transferred to a 3.5" floppy, upload the picture and send it which took forever and then download the picture on your end once you got it which took even longer. Needless to say internet porn wasn't what it is now and it took so long to get a picture you just asked what she looked like and took her word for it. Many times it didn't turn out so well but hey that was the internet for you. We were just happy to get that far and 9 times out of 10 we had a story that ended tragically for one of the two sides. So we decided to meet at her plane, again about 2 hours away from where I lived. But again I was 20 something and going to get laid and all I could do was whistle that damn tune in my head all the way there.
Now when I get there I was all set to tear it up! I was so excited to do this and I had built up such a scenario in my head. I wondered what it would be like, should I stretch? Do a few push-ups in the parking lot? Have my camera ready to take a picture of her little hands making my manhood look enormous? I know I wanted to capture that last one. Was there to be a pot of gold at the end of it all or will I at least get a lollipop before I go? So many questions where about to be answered! Just as I got out of my car I looked at the house to see her waiting at the storm door and this is when reality came up and smacked me dead in the face!
She let me in and I sat down on the couch. She turned on some music and brought me some water. I could feel the nerves building as here I am trying to uphold the sexual name of all normal sized people. The last thing I want is her going to a midget meeting and talking about how normal guys can't get the job done. However at the same time I am thinking about the shear geometry of the act and how it will work. I'm 6'3" and 230lbs she was all of 3'9 and I had no clue how this was going to work. I also didn't want to kill her with my penis. I'm not saying I'm huge by any means. I mean I'm a great size but there are vital organs in there and they must be pretty close to the opening. I could feel my palms sweating as I tried to figure out what to tell the EMT after I puncture her lung with Mr. Happy. At that moment she came over to sit next to me on the couch and this is where it all got awkward. If you have ever seen a 2 year old child try to get up on a high couch by face planting themselves on a cushion then rolling up and over till they have achieved a sitting position. Completely out of breath as her little feet dangled off the edge of the seat and legs so short she couldn't bend her knees over the end.
We chatted a bit then she got right to work like a little mongoose. Her little hands worked so fast and I tried so hard to get the music back in my head but every time I looked down she had already advanced to a further point and that ship just sailed. I was so excited I forgot to even take a picture of her tiny hands around my member! The moment of truth arrived as she stood up right at perfect belt level. Time for Charles to put up or shut up and I was determined to bring it home for the tall team!
She asked me if I wanted to take it upstairs to her bedroom? As I watched her yet again struggle with stairs this time again like a toddler climbs steps putting her hands down and one leg at a time on each step for all 12 steps, all I could think is why they hell would a midget own a 2 story home? Why in heavens name wouldn't you go ranch in this case?! Should I help her? I mean she could only weigh about 75lbs max and I can easily lift that upstairs. Would that be condescending or romantic? Would that kill the whole deal. I was already well over halfway there so no turning back now!
Whatever happened next was a bit of a blur now. I mean she was a dynamo and I was not prepared to do some of what she asked for. I tried my best but I am pretty sure I disappointed. I left with a skip in my step and you can bet as I went to unlock my car door I was whistling Sweet Georgia Brown!