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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Signs of Old Age

I have been avoiding this topic since November, but now it is finally time to take that big cleansing breath and face facts. This year I turned 40. Yup, the big 4-0 came knocking and I answered the bell. Thank God for great friends and family that helped me ring it in. I love you all and you know who you are! My point here though is that I am getting older and with age comes changes. Inevitable changes and some I don't fully understand but like the song goes "the times they are a changing."

So I have been mulling over all the changes I have seen, made and that are taking place in my life and the lives of those in my generation around me. Some of them are cute, some of them are funny, others sad and of course there are some that are just outright depressing. Although for better or worse there is no stopping Father Time.

So I started compiling a list like I usually do here of all the signs that signify old age is coming, already upon you or maybe time to start thinking about a living will.

+ You go to a bar and all you want is for the management to turn down the music so you can actually hear what the other person is saying without screaming it in their ear.

+ When they do scream whatever they need to tell you in your ear, your first reaction is to say "what?"

+ A good sneeze could mean you pee a little.

+ Why the hell did I come into this room?

+ There is no way in Gods green earth that even with the hottest of women you would sleep in a twin bed.

+ A $5 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit!" Brace yourself the hangover is worse.

+ You no longer have more than a glass because it makes you sleepy.

+ When you find out a friend is pregnant your first response is now "Congratulations!" Instead of "Oh no! What are you going to do??"

+ Your time in front of the computer is actually spent doing work and other productive things.

+ You figure out that the internet can be used for more than just free porn.

+ You watch your language when talking to friends because kids might be within earshot.

+ Now I know I came into this room for something...

+ You start saying "I don't look pretty good for my age."

+ You go to bed by a certain time on the weekdays because you know if you don't it will be hell trying to wake up.

+ You can't imagine a day taking place without some form of caffeine.

+ You never leave the house without a sweatshirt or sweater just incase there is a chill.

+ You just don't understand the music kids dance to these days.

+ You get disgusted at what parents let there kids leave the house wearing.

+ You haven't seen Saturday Night Live since it started to suck back in the late 90's. Now you DVR it every so often just so you can watch it the next day to see how it is doing.

+ When you want to record something on TV you say you will "tape it."

+ You make a sound for sitting down and a completely different one for getting up off the couch.

+ Kids are great for fetching things for you.

+ Your mind makes contracts your body can not uphold.

+ Seriously! Why did I come into this room. I know I came in here for a reason.

+ Conversations start with "the other day at the Doctors office..."

+ Quick move laterally!... hahahahaha nope!

+ Doesn't matter who is around you no longer hold in your stomach for anyone.

+ You show friends your new lawn mower out of pride.

+ You are a listener of NPR and other talk radio.

+ Hair grows like a wild fire from places it never did before. If you sneeze you could look like a party favor. You have a few eyebrow hairs that have gone rogue and give you a stunning resemblance to Rip Van Winkle. Also your significant other spontaneously plucks long hairs off your back without warning and reminds you to have the barber trim your ears when you get a haircut.

+ When you're up, when your prostate and bladder says you're up.

+ Doing it all night long really means 20 minutes real hard followed by a nice deep sleep.

+ Who the hell ever needs to be able to bend at the waist to touch their toes anyway?

+ When you go for your license renewal and you are more concerned about passing the vision test.

+ The door man at the bar waives you through but cards everyone you are with.

+ You have no clue how long your shorts are suppose to be anymore. However you remember when shorts where exactly that "short."

+ When a woman calls you "daddy" in bed you quietly wonder if she actually thinks you are her daddy.

+ One word, "Loafers."

+ Remember when Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Kurt Douglas where studs. Likewise Sharon Stone, Britney Spears, all the girls in Friends and Pam Anderson were hot?

So there it is my list. For all it's worth 40 isn't really so bad. I'm surviving it so far. But as always I keep in mind we only go around this crazy life once that we will remember. So enjoy it now!


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