+ Halmark and Kleanex should really think about joining forces. Wouldn't it be great if tissue boxes had little messages on them like: You look nothing like your Mother. Your only 40, you have plenty of time to get your act together or Someone special is right around the corner.
+ When in a movie who or what determines who gets the arm rest. You would think by now theaters would start putting in couch seating. I mean we all know what a couch is and they want us o be comfortable right?
+ Did you know that the song "Ring around the Rosy" was about the Bubonic plague?! "Ring around the rosy" refers to the skin lesions that appear as bright red ulcerated spots surrounded by a ring. "Pocket full of posies" is in reference to the Physicians of the day. They use to carry herbs and flowers (usually posies) in attempt to ward off the plague. Finally "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down" is everyone dying from the plague. Morbid right? And to think your Mom use to sing and dance with you to that song when you where a baby!
+ When people say "Jesus H. Christ!" What does the H stand for?
+ Do you think Willy Coyote use to keep his receipts and get exchanges for all the crap he would buy from Acme that would fail? Where did he get all his money? How did he do his ordering? That was well before the internet and he wouldn't go into the store it would just show up on his door step. And Willy couldn't speak. Did Willy Coyote create Amazon?
+ If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach then why do surgeons insist on cracking open a guys chest when doing open heart surgery?
+ Little known fact that just prior to Abraham Lincoln took office he was in Washington DC with his family. One of the biggest causes of death was being hit by a stage coach much like today is motor vehicle accidents. One day Tad Lincoln was out in town and just about to cross the street when a run away stage came through nearly hitting young Tad if not for someone pulling him back at the last second. The person to pull him back to the side of the road and save his life? Edwin the son of John Wilkes Booth.
+ There is good and bad to carpooling. Sure you save on gas expense, wear and tear on your car and you have people to punch when you see a "punch buggy." Bad you just can't pick your nose and wipe it behind the mirror or fart whenever you want to. Note to self: clean off drivers side mirror.
+ There really should be some sort of suicide intervention for furry woodland creatures. Please stop running under my tires! You have so much to live for.
+ There are 171,476 words currently in the English dictionary and 47,156 obsolete ones. I recently took inventory and I know 56 words and most of them are monosyllabic. (Oh hey! Make that 57 and "monosyllabic" is one of the big ones!)
+ No mater how much people say we evolve from apes I must refrain from throwing poo at stupid people at the bar.
+ Dumbest things I heard while on a date with a girl I met off the internet... "I'm not religious but I love Jesus." "I take prescription sleeping pills but there is no drugs in them because they come from a doctor." and the topper, "I need to pick up some Red Bull to take my sleeping pill." Seriously thought about poking her right in the eye! I have officially given up on dating.
+People say money doesn't grow on trees however it is made from trees. So in essence...
+ As a man taking off my boxer briefs and giving the boys a good scratch I can only imagine is the equivalent of a woman taking off her bra at the end of a day. Just a bit more refined. It's not a pretty site, avert your eyes. Trust me!
+ I really need to work on my "O - Face" seriously I want to look so much cooler in that vital
moment. I have no idea how women don't finish the night with a good chuckle at our face. Women's is sooooo much sexier. New "O-Face" training starts tomorrow. I am thinking it should be a build up and culminating in air pistols and a wink.
+ When you take a selfie in your home for Christ sake clean your room and wash your mirror! Simple shit here. And keep your kid out of any provocative pictures.
+ Who is "Sam Hell" and why is he always first to know what is going on anywhere?
+ A note to black comedians all of us white guys are not accountants and lawyers and we actually have bass in our voice.
+ I don't keep a perfect home and usually clean the entire house about once a week unless a female guest is stopping by. In that case I suddenly turn into Mr. Clean.
+ I have never hauled a boat, worked on a farm or towed an 18 wheeler. However I do like Bob Seger's music. Can I still drive a pick-up truck?
Alright that is all I have for now. Rest assure there will be more to come.