Let's kick it off by something we are all comfortable talking about, religion and masturbation... Those crazy Catholics say that Masturbation is a sin. This could be a big reason why I am no longer a Catholic. They say you must repent at once! If you fail to repent you will be sent to an eternal damnation with the rest of the fornicators. Personally, I think the Catholics really need to get together with Heavens marketing department because so far they really aren't presenting a convincing argument for me. I mean I have friends that go to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings just hoping to catch a few that will eventually fall off the wagon. "Eternal damnation with the rest of the fornicators" just sounds like an extended stay at Spring Break in the Bahamas to me! Thanks for the advice Catholic Church. Now if you wouldn't mind locking the door before you leave so my kids don't walk in on me mid-stroke it would be greatly appreciated. If you really want to endear yourself to me feel free to have a hot moist towel and a medium cheese pizza delivered. However all this talk about stop and repent just sounds like the words of someone that gives up way to easily. I am not a quitter!
Possibly a better idea is to get the Catholics marketing department together with the Muslims. Let's face facts in this day and age we are all looking for a great bargain here or in the afterlife. The Muslims marketing team is so good they are making people off themselves to the tune of a promise of 72 virgins. This is something I would really want promised in writing because if it where me and it turned out to be a bait and switch, someone would have hell to pay. Coincidentally, these guys must really be all about quantity and not so much quality. Have you ever thought what 72 virgins must look like? I'm thinking it looks a lot like The Giggly Room Gentlemen's Club at high noon on Tuesday's nickel beer and buffet night. All I can picture is limps and lazy eyes as far as the black lights allow you to see.
So back the matter at hand... See what I did there? We all do it at some point in our life. Most of us start pretty young and this is the beginning of our entire sex life. Even my daughter at the ripe age of 8 asked me why it tingles when she scratches it? Go ahead and show me where in the parenting handbook where it tells a Dad how to answer that question. Masturbation for most of us starts as a right of passage. Sort of like minor league baseball. Practice and game simulations till we are ready for the big leagues. The only problem here is that the game simulators are just not a real testament to what we as young virgins are about to see in the field. Porn that we find on the Internet is so misleading and there is absolutely nothing that will prepare you for the ultimate moment when you are presented with her ass in the air and a promise of good things to come and all you can see is a huge pimple that needs to be popped! Again there is no handbook that tells you what to do first here or how to proceed however I can tell you that whatever you do next will drastically alter the course of the rest of your existence. Proceed with caution my weary traveler! In my day all we had was reality to go on. Al Gore had yet to give us the internet and the best reference material we had was the Sears catalog. Now all kids have to do is go to Sears.com. Lucky little bastards.
Allow me to real it back in here. A possible solution for the church here is maybe something like a frequent strokers card. After the 7th stroke session the 8th one is a freebee. No repenting needed! So long as you're not hurting anyone or twisting one off on the subway on the morning commute I say no harm, no foul. There are so many other issues the church could be concerned with. Who cares if little Johnny 5 fingers is having a tug session with his one eyed bandit. My thought here is if the church allowed it we wouldn't have some of the sexual misconduct we have seen in the recent past. I say throw the entire congregation a curveball and next Sunday make the sermon all for the rub one out cause. I bet people go home with a goal in mind and actually listen to what the Padre has to say. Alright maybe that is a bit much. However we all do it, so I say be proud and do it up! Speak to any lady and they will tell you how to do it right. They romance themselves. A glass of wine, a bubble bath, candles and maybe even some music. Not like us guys where we do it in a cloud of shame. A dark room, headphones and a dirty rag. Fellas we have to up our game. Why wouldn't you do it? Because some mythical dude you never met says, do it and you won't be allowed in my eternity club? It relieves stress, headaches and gives you a healthy glow! The only other person to tell me not to was my college roommate. He only told me I shouldn't do it so much or else I would go blind. To which my answer was, "hey I'm over here!!"
So what does the Church want us to use as an alternative? Unprotected sex or complete abstinence... uhhh is there a 3rd choice? Far too many have tried and failed the hope rhythm and prayer method. I'm already a shitty gambler. Do we really want a bunch of mixed bag mutts with my sense of style and lack of intellect, not to mention. smart ass mentality roaming this earth and draining the Social Security fund? Thank goodness the 3 I have already have took on most of their Mothers traits. Every time I look at my kids standardized test scores, I start asking fidelity questions of when we were married! I love those kids with all my heart and I have raised them pretty well, but really look at me and I don't wish that on many. Abstinence might have been a valid argument before the invention of the razor blade. I can only imagine that prior to the Bic that whole area must have just looked like a hungry Sasquatch. Now the vagina is a pretty little garden. That is a whole other post for another day.
My point here is the striking down of the five knuckle shuffle is an antiquated ideology. The people that don't do it or even wont admit to it are the same people that tell you they have never been to a McDonalds, shopped at a Walmart or don't own a TV. They are not to be trusted! We should add them to the same category as Al Qaeda. Take them all out of their homes, perform a very heavy handed strip search, Test them for illegal substances and check for weapons of mass destruction. If nothing is found send their ass to Syria or somewhere of the like because they are of no use to the furthering of our society here in America. Side note: I expect the Trump Presidential committee to come knocking any day now.
Let's put a pretty bow on this and bring it all home. Masturbation is a wonderful! I say do it proud and do it loud. Scream your own name. I say do it while you can because when you're old and gray and ready to meet your maker at least you will go feeling a little sleepy, happy and knowing you used up all the rounds left in your chamber. Now you can start working on a few of those virgins...