If You're Happy and You Know it Use Your Hand!

It's your friendly booze jockey Charles the Bartender back behind the keyboard once again! It has been a bit of hiatus for me here. Nothing to be concerned about as my great Australian friend Dr. Bruce Northcote would say being a "slack bastard." Well said Bruce....So it's been since late November 2015 that you all have heard from me last and so as you might imagine I have a lot of fuel for the fire ready to poor out of my brain down to my fingertips and all over this keyboard. What a joyous mess it will be!

Let's kick it off by something we are all comfortable talking about, religion and masturbation... Those crazy Catholics say that Masturbation is a sin. This could be a big reason why I am no longer a Catholic. They say you must repent at once! If you fail to repent you will be sent to an eternal damnation with the rest of the fornicators. Personally, I think the Catholics really need to get together with Heavens marketing department because so far they really aren't presenting a convincing argument for me. I mean I have friends that go to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings just hoping to catch a few that will eventually fall off the wagon. "Eternal damnation with the rest of the fornicators" just sounds like an extended stay at Spring Break in the Bahamas to me! Thanks for the advice Catholic Church. Now if you wouldn't mind locking the door before you leave so my kids don't walk in on me mid-stroke it would be greatly appreciated. If you really want to endear yourself to me feel free to have a hot moist towel and a medium cheese pizza delivered. However all this talk about stop and repent just sounds like the words of someone that gives up way to easily. I am not a quitter!

Don't get me wrong here, I will apologize till the cows come home. I'll even give those looking down on me a little heads up and avert your eyes warning if it helps. I commonly say I sometimes feel like my Meme and Poppop are looking down on me and my family especially when things go in our favor however I'm pretty certain that the monitoring is a full time job and hopefully they are taking shifts. If they ever read any of this mess I would like to let them know they might want to take a coffee break between 11pm and midnight on a fairly nightly basis. I am currently shuttering at the thought of my Poppop looking down on me and saying in his monotone Eyore sounding voice just like when he taught me how to tie my shoes "Charley, you're doing it all wrong..." Or even worse my Meme asking my grandfather why I look so angry?

Possibly a better idea is to get the Catholics marketing department together with the Muslims. Let's face facts in this day and age we are all looking for a great bargain here or in the afterlife. The Muslims marketing team is so good they are making people off themselves to the tune of a promise of 72 virgins. This is something I would really want promised in writing because if it where me and it turned out to be a bait and switch, someone would have hell to pay. Coincidentally, these guys must really be all about quantity and not so much quality. Have you ever thought what 72 virgins must look like? I'm thinking it looks a lot like The Giggly Room Gentlemen's Club at high noon on Tuesday's nickel beer and buffet night. All I can picture is limps and lazy eyes as far as the black lights allow you to see.

So back the matter at hand... See what I did there? We all do it at some point in our life. Most of us start pretty young and this is the beginning of our entire sex life. Even my daughter at the ripe age of 8 asked me why it tingles when she scratches it? Go ahead and show me where in the parenting handbook where it tells a Dad how to answer that question. Masturbation for most of us starts as a right of passage. Sort of like minor league baseball. Practice and game simulations till we are ready for the big leagues. The only problem here is that the game simulators are just not a real testament to what we as young virgins are about to see in the field. Porn that we find on the Internet is so misleading and there is absolutely nothing that will prepare you for the ultimate moment when you are presented with her ass in the air and a promise of good things to come and all you can see is a huge pimple that needs to be popped! Again there is no handbook that tells you what to do first here or how to proceed however I can tell you that whatever you do next will drastically alter the course of the rest of your existence. Proceed with caution my weary traveler! In my day all we had was reality to go on. Al Gore had yet to give us the internet and the best reference material we had was the Sears catalog. Now all kids have to do is go to Sears.com. Lucky little bastards.

Allow me to real it back in here.  A possible solution for the church here is maybe something like a frequent strokers card. After the 7th stroke session the 8th one is a freebee. No repenting needed! So long as you're not hurting anyone or twisting one off on the subway on the morning commute I say no harm, no foul. There are so many other issues the church could be concerned with. Who cares if little Johnny 5 fingers is having a tug session with his one eyed bandit. My thought here is if the church allowed it we wouldn't have some of the sexual misconduct we have seen in the recent past. I say throw the entire congregation a curveball and next Sunday make the sermon all for the rub one out cause. I bet people go home with a goal in mind and actually listen to what the Padre has to say. Alright maybe that is a bit much. However we all do it, so I say be proud and do it up! Speak to any lady and they will tell you how to do it right. They romance themselves. A glass of wine, a bubble bath, candles and maybe even some music. Not like us guys where we do it in a cloud of shame. A dark room, headphones and a dirty rag. Fellas we have to up our game. Why wouldn't you do it? Because some mythical dude you never met says, do it and you won't be allowed in my eternity club? It relieves stress, headaches and gives you a healthy glow! The only other person to tell me not to was my college roommate. He only told me I shouldn't do it so much or else I would go blind. To which my answer was, "hey I'm over here!!"

So what does the Church want us to use as an alternative? Unprotected sex or complete abstinence... uhhh is there a 3rd choice? Far too many have tried and failed the hope rhythm and prayer method. I'm already a shitty gambler. Do we really want a bunch of mixed bag mutts with my sense of style and lack of intellect, not to mention. smart ass mentality roaming this earth and draining the Social Security fund?  Thank goodness the 3 I have already have took on most of their Mothers traits. Every time I look at my kids standardized test scores, I start asking fidelity questions of when we were married! I love those kids with all my heart and I have raised them pretty well, but really look at me and I don't wish that on many. Abstinence might have been a valid argument before the invention of the razor blade. I can only imagine that prior to the Bic that whole area must have just looked like a hungry Sasquatch. Now the vagina is a pretty little garden. That is a whole other post for another day.

My point here is the striking down of the five knuckle shuffle is an antiquated ideology. The people that don't do it or even wont admit to it are the same people that tell you they have never been to a McDonalds, shopped at a Walmart or don't own a TV. They are not to be trusted! We should add them to the same category as Al Qaeda. Take them all out of their homes, perform a very heavy handed strip search, Test them for illegal substances and check for weapons of mass destruction. If nothing is found send their ass to Syria or somewhere of the like because they are of no use to the furthering of our society here in America. Side note: I expect the Trump Presidential committee to come knocking any day now.

Let's put a pretty bow on this and bring it all home. Masturbation is a wonderful! I say do it proud and do it loud. Scream your own name. I say do it while you can because when you're old and gray and ready to meet your maker at least you will go feeling a little sleepy, happy and knowing you used up all the rounds left in your chamber. Now you can start working on a few of those virgins...

Cheers!



Father of the Year

Many of you already know I am a father to 3 great kids. No, I'm not going to be one of those Dads that completely over-sell it and say "my kids are amazing" as though everything they do is a miracle. Your baby has gas that is not them laughing and understanding grown up humor at the ripe age of 3 months! However I love my kids equally with all my heart. I never realized how full life could be till I had them. I love every moment of being around them. But let's face it sometimes kids do stupid shit and as a parent I think it is our duty to point it out instead of kissing the boo-boo you have to first point and laugh a bit. It keeps them humble.

I commonly tell the story about my 9 year old son Kalvyn and his extremely high test scores. That when I first saw his test scores I thought right away how all the other Dads out there can "suck it" because my kid will be getting a full ride to Yale or Harvard some day with scores like those and seeing as he is very big for his age! I figured any day now the Ivy league schools will be knocking on my door to have my kid join their football or basketball team! I mean my ex-wife's family is littered with Doctors and other college degrees from reputable schools as far as the eye can see. That's my boy! Only to watch that same boy only moments later dancing around the kitchen to Taylor Swift, farting so hard he lost consciousness for a moment then walk into the wall stubbing his baby toe and then tripping over the dog. Never mind it looks like I will be getting student loans for community college after-all. Why did he have to get any of my genes?!

Back to what I was originally saying. I have great kids. I feel that they have great manors, they know right from wrong and I genuinely trust them to make solid choices. They are honest, compassionate, funny in their own ways and extremely kind. I am VERY proud to be the father to Zolyia (15), Madelyne (14) and Kalvyn (9). I aspired to be the type of father to my kids as my father was to me. I make no bones about the fact that I am fortunate to have one outstanding role model when it comes to fathers. I feel to this point so far I have done a fine job raising my kids. As a father that is all you can really ask for as they grow up.

So a couple of months ago my oldest daughter asked me to take her to a comedy show. The comedian was Bo Burnham. Madelyne asked if she could come along too. My thought is that it would be a lot of fun to spend some time just me and the ladies. So I bought tickets for the 3 of us. Kal is a bit to young to understand that comedy and I didn't think it would be appropriate and he even agreed. For those of you that are unfamiliar with his work I will add a clip of his work here. He is a very articulate comedian and satirical singer/ song writer. I knew he used a bad word now and again but both of my daughters are now in high school and so I am pretty certain they where going to be OK and could handle it just fine.

The night started off with a quick dinner and then off to Portland for the show. We were all pretty excited when we drove past Bo's tour bus and saw him walking into the theater. My daughters where excited to see this comedian they not only enjoyed for his body of work but also thought was very cute. I was happy to be able to give them this night out they so deserved and have this time with them and treat them like the young ladies they are now. Besides I'm not one of those uptight fathers in a turtle-neck sweater. I'm a cool Dad. I'm wearing up to date jeans and nothing with an elastic waist  band and a baggy Michael Jordan t-shirt, I am "Dad cool." I want to be the kind of Dad my kids are proud to brag about and tell their friends how cool their father is. So if that means my girls want to go to a Bo Burnham show then by-golly we are going to that show!


I should have done a little more homework and maybe watched a YouTube video or two of Bo. I have heard him a couple of times on XM Radio but never paid too much attention. I just thought he was funny. I should have known something was up when Madelyne asked me the night before at the dinner table if I really listened to his act. When I said "no" she started to giggle and just said "ok!" I should have seen the red flag when we got into the venue and the first thing I saw was a guy selling little bottles of Jagermeister shots and Red Bull to make Jagger-Bombs in the lobby. Using hindsight I should have thought twice when I looked around inside and the crowd was 90% college students double fisting Bud Lights. And I really should have rethought my decision when I sat between my proper and innocent young ladies and they said "Remember Dad we are in high school and we have been through health class..." The look in Madelyne's eyes alone told me that what was to come was at times going to be equally in comfort as a colonoscopy without anesthesia. But really what's few curse words going to hurt? Like I said they are in high school and I know they have heard them all already. It's show time and the lights turn down. The warm up act is up first. This is when Madelyne turns to me and says with a smile, "remember Dad, health class."

Now I have been there with these two little cherubs since conception. I remember bringing both of them home from the hospital and driving 3 miles per hour in a 40mph zone and thinking how everyone was driving WAY too fast and being far to reckless around my newborn daughter. I remember many weekend days napping with Zolyia sleeping soundly on my chest after finishing a full bottle. I remember Maddy's first tooth. Every Easter I hid eggs all over the yard, brought them door to door every Halloween and carried them most of the way home when their little legs got tired or their feet hurt. I taught them both how to ride a bike, throw a ball and was the coach on their basketball team. I have been to countless school concerts all the way from pre-school up to the current time and haven't missed a one, just to get choked up as I sat their thinking how quickly they where growing up. I marvel at how unique all of my kids are and how special in their own way they are as well. I am not just a guy that has kids and sees them once a month only to take pictures with them so I can post them on Facebook and all my friends can comment on how great a father I am. No, I am involved in their lives. The highs and the lows. I have been there every step of the way. I am proud to say I am a real Father to my children and I have watched these two girls grow into the young ladies I have today. However as a Dad it's only natural to always see your girls as the innocent small girls that I could carry effortlessly in one arm up 3 flights of stairs while carrying all the groceries in the other. It has been my job as the man of the house to protect that innocence for the past 15 years and somehow thwart any attempt take that away from them. They looked to Mom to be the loving caring nurturer and to me to be the pillar of security.

Now keep in mind none of this is the fault of the comedians that took the stage. I am not one of those parents looking for someone else to blame. This falls squarely on my shoulders. There have been times when I have even joked about being "parent of the year" when I have allowed my kids to stay up too late on a school night or given them candy before bed or even dropped the F-bomb by accident in front of my kids. That all paled in comparison to what was afoot. The comedian started his 20 minute set by talking about a B movie on Netflix about a werewolf that transforms and they show this in great detail and many angles as his transformation starts from his male genitalia. He moved into a bit about when he wears new sweatpants without underwear he gets fuzzies in his pee-hole. Then when he asked a female friend about it how she said that when she wears some clothes she has to "scoop fuzzies out of her "stink-ditch" (vagina.)" He used the term "stink ditch" for something I taught the girls to call a "Hoo-Ha" for as long as they realized they had one! Finally closing his time on stage with how if someone is choking we should no longer do the Heimlich maneuver but instead stick fingers up their ass because that is a lot more jarring and incentive to dislodge whatever it is in their throat in order to get the fingers out of their asshole faster! My daughters not only laughed at all the jokes but they understood it all too!!!


Now it was time for the headliner of the evening Bo Burnham. The debauchery persisted and even got worse. At one point he sang about how if you are single you should lower your standards and get oral sex on a regular basis or something like that. My Zoey, my little "Zo-Zo Bug" who use to sit in her car seat singing "Bah Bah Black Sheep" and how the "Wheels on the bus go round and round" was now singing right along with Bo! I felt like I should have home schooled my kids and as soon as we wake up tomorrow I am going to start looking into organized religion and a good Bible study camp to send them to during the summer. She knew every word! I watched my 15 year old daughter sing the word "cock!" She has a chorus concert coming up and I'm hoping she doesn't get confused!

What kind of Father am I? I'm starting to think child services will be at my door when I get home or at the very least NBC and Chris Hansen will waiting for me. What have I done? Don't laugh at that, it's dirty! Very very dirty!!! 

The show ends and I now must crawl out from under my balcony chair. What sort of irreparable damage have I done to these children's delicate innocence. How will I explain this all to them in the car on the ride home? Are they going to just lose all the manors we worked so hard to instill in them as parents and exclaim "could someone pass the fucking potatoes?" at Thanksgiving dinner in front of family and friends?! I am a horrible father! Bad Dad! Bad! Bad! Bad!

Along the ride home we talked about the show and they thanked me for bringing them. They both had a fun time. My sweet little Madelyne had a headache and I thought how could she not after processing all that filth! The one I called "Peanut" or "Maddy Doodles" after a silly song that was made up about her mornings riding in her car seat to day care when she was just a baby. She probably had a headache from having her brain raped and I did nothing to stop the carnage. I wanted to apologize to them for it all but by now I was thinking "eh the damage has been done." I looked in the back seat and saw her fast asleep and I was instantly reminded of the delicate little girl that use to fit with her head in the palm of my hand and her feet barely reaching my elbow as I fed her a bottle. As she slept and Zoey still smiling and laughing about how she can't wait to tell everyone the next day in school about how cool her Dad was to bring her to the show and how funny it was. I couldn't help but think how beautiful and innocent they both where and maybe I can knock them both over the head in their sleep "by accident" and make them return to that time before health class. But also how lucky I am to be their Father.

We got home and I kissed them both goodnight as I tucked them into bed. Father of the year! Not so much, but I am still a pretty good Dad. I have a mug to prove it!

 

Cheers!

Thoughts from the Road

For the past few weeks I have been on a special assignment in Houlton, Maine. Before you ask I will tell you a bit about the "county seat" of Aroostook County. Houlton as of 2010 had a population of slightly over 6,000. The town sits a mile from the New Brunswick, Canadian border and being the county seat it's nickname is thus "Shire Town." The Houlton High School mascot is "The Shiretowners"... Yup, you can't make this kind of shit up.  But wait there's more! How about some history? Also keep in mind that most of the pictures here are actual pictures I took during my time in this quaint little town.

Some time after the American Revolution pioneer Joseph Houlton had moved to Maine from far heavier populated part of Massachusetts and formed a village of his own around 1807. In 1820 Maine separated from Massachusetts to become an independent state. In 1828 a military post named Hancock Barracks was established. When the Aroostook War otherwise known as the "Pork and Beans War" flared between the US and British over the placement of the New Brunswick, Canadian border, the Hancock Barracks was a focal point. Other notable facts about beloved Houlton:
- The home to first transatlantic radio intelligence station placed in town by the Army during World War 1.
- AT&T initiated the first transatlantic commercial telephone service linking New York to London. The Transoceanic Receiver Station and massive antenna so large it straddled what is now Interstate 95 where both just outside of the center of town. 
- 1941 the Army established the Houlton Army Air Base that sits immediately adjacent to the Canadian border. Not so much in case those crazy Canucks got any funny ideas eh... However They could not fly the planes directly into Canada, a member of the United Kingdom because that would violate the official United States position of neutrality. Local farmers used their tractors to tow the planes into Canada, where the Canadians closed the Woodstock highway so that aircraft could use it as a runway. 

This was going on outside the gym on Main St.

Ok enough with the history lessons already! Houlton as the rest of Aroostook County otherwise referred to as "The county" by natives is best known as the last truck stop before Canada and home to thousands of miles of potato fields. All this means is there ain't shit to do in Houlton, Maine. And just in case you are ready to say something silly like "the people must be lovely in such a small town." The answer is no. 


Now before I get too far off topic. The trip from Sanford, Maine to Houlton is a non-stop 5 hour drive once past Portland about 30 minutes in then it is filled with nothing more than trees. Miles and miles of trees. So a guy like me has lots of time to ponder life and let my brain run wild and free. So here we go with another brain dump! This is where I dump out all the silly thoughts that have entered my mind. There is no rhyme or reason to them, nor order. Enjoy!

No clue what this guy is doing.

+ I never had a family crest that I know of. However if I did I would imagine it would be something like 4 lions watching TV with a banner across the top that says in Latin "Hey, while your up can you get me a drink?"


+ If you are the type of person to sign the cross and pray before breakfast lunch and dinner then I think you should do it for snacks too. Why ask God to bless meat and potatoes and not cheese and crackers? If you are going to be religious be 100%. No half stepping when it comes to the lord I say.



Still no clue.

+ Ladies if you are going to wear a crucifix around your neck don't let it nestle right between your boobs. That's just like asking me to make a quick choice between good and evil and I can tell you right now that the Devil wins that game of chicken every time. I may say "Thank you Jesus!" for a great set of tits but that really is as far as that goes.

+ Fathers day here in Houlton is a very confusing day. Of this I am certain. The type of place you see bumper stickers that read "I'm the proud father of a nephew."

+ Having a vagina seems a lot like owning an old jalopy. Lots of maintenance and then once a month your going to have to shove an oil pan under it.



I think this should be on the side of a van.

+ Every time a man finishes on a woman instead of in her it is his way of saying "Those babies are not for you, they are for some one else. Now go get a towel." 

+  In relationships especially early on you tend to say all those sweet things to your significant other. Just the other day I told her "you're like a drug to me." (deep right?) She responded by asking "why is it because you're addicted to me?" I realize now I just should have said "Yup!" instead I said "No, because you're expensive and you make my balls shrink." I now realize that was the wrong answer.


This was selling for $500

+ Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

+ A fun social experiment to figure out who your real friends of the opposite sex are is to go on social media and change your relationship status to "in a relationship."

+ If you are a woman with a great figure but a face like a horse in the derby you are NOT nor will you ever be a model. If a guy asks you to model for him rest assure the focus will be taken away from your face and you will at some point be completely naked. Here's some advice however, grab a Twinkie and get real good at math because life is about to get hard. Being an ugly woman I think is a lot like being a dude. You're going to have to work for it.

+ Fun little thing to do in a bar and you see a group of women... Approach them as though you are a judge in a dog show. Point at them and say "you're 3rd, you're 2nd and you're 1st!" If you see a real hot one grab her by the crotch and the throat while calling out "Best in Show!" They love that. Women are so competitive.



Dude, I'm driving!

+ I remember a few years back I played in a Christian softball league. We basically played and got drunk. Although some of us drank before the game too. I remember playing shortstop and yelling at the base runners, "Hey! Thou shall not steal!" After the first time they didn't think it was funny at all.

+ Those crazy Catholics say that using contraception is a sin. I have cousins and other relatives that shoot babies out of their cooter like a t-shirt cannon now. Whenever they tell people how many kids they have they usually follow it up by saying "yeah, we are Catholic." Someone should really teach them how to masturbate. My towel has never gotten pregnant.

+ Speaking of masturbation. The Catholic church also says that is a sin as well. Needless to say I am no longer associated with the Catholic church. If you are a Catholic and you have been doing the 5 knuckle shuffle, they say you must repent at once! Don't get me wrong I will apologize all damn day, but I am pretty sure I going to do it again. If the church would have maybe broken me off a frequent sinners card, like after the 7th repentance the 8th one is free I might still be part of that cult.

Cheers!

If Bartenders Were Honest - BuzzFeed

Man Tips

In my 41 years of life I have learned a good number of valuable lessons. Like always it is completely unnecessary to hi-5 anyone in a men's room. The last person to look at the bill on the table loses and after a chili cook off just sit down to pee for safety sake. other lessons I have learned after re-embarking on the single life. Those are the lessons I am going to share with you today. You see todays lessons boys is all about men's grooming and other good tips. These are tips for both the married and single men out there. For the married guys it will hopefully enhance what you already have and make it so your wife doesn't find you completely disgusting after 10+ years of wedded bliss. For you single guys let's face it there is a ton of competition out there and not much in the way of quality once you reach the ripe age of 35 the odds of finding a attractive and intelligent woman that has her proverbial shit together is less and less with every year that passes.

My Pop is a manly guy. He grew up just outside Philadelphia, PA my Grandfather use to take the train with his lunch pale in and out of the city to work his 8 to 5 job working in a mailroom. When he got home he would sit in his recliner like Archie Bunker and drink his beer while he watched whatever game was on the TV that night. On the weekends his routine wasn't a whole lot different only replacing going to work with going to the market, back to the recliner and game... He was a blue collar guy and manly kind of guy and my Pop grew up learning from him as I grew up learning from my Pop. So certain things now as opposed to back then may be considered a little less than masculine. However gentlemen the times they are a changing and we must evolve. Put down those stereotypes and follow me here. You and your woman (woman to be) will be happy you did.

Now I am not going to sit here and tell you how to cut and style your hair or shave your beard. Mostly because I shave my head and face completely bald and my fashion sense isn't exactly up to GQ standards. I'm sorry, I don't care how out of style khaki cargo shorts are there is no way I will ever be caught dead in anything described as the color salmon (if you're going to wear pink just wear pink for Christ sake) and I am not going back to the Daisy Duke length shorts that men wore in the 80's. I would just prefer to go back to Jorts (Jean shorts) in that case. And guys that tie a sweater around their neck for a splash of color should also be made to tie their socks around their ankles. So all fashion aside... Well unless you're one of these guys that still wears the chinstrap beard and frosts your tips. In that case the Vanilla Ice look is out the door and you look like a douchebag. You're wrong and you know you're wrong. So just step away from this website and call it a day because there is no helping you anymore. In this article we are going to dive a bit deeper and unlike other articles of mine in the past this one is going to actually be helpful and less on the sarcastic side. Maybe. So get out your notebooks and pens because you may want to write some of this shit down. I'm dropping pearls of wisdom here people!


Let's start with how you smell. It's true if you smell like a rhino's undercarriage no one will want to be near you. The same way if you smell like that weird kid in middle school that got body hair before anyone else and his first bottle of cheap cologne sitting at the back of the bus and even the driver needed to open his window to keep from tearing up from smelling you. The smell of a man is important. Personally I feel a man should have a few different scents to choose from. Women have lingerie to keep us on our toes. We need to be able to change things up a bit to keep them on theirs.
Things to know before you go shopping about men's fragrances:
+ Whatever you wear shouldn't be to heavy and should have a clean finish. 
+ The difference between "parfum" and "eau de toilette": Parfum is oil based therefore will last longer whereas eau de toilette is water based and will fade quicker throughout the evening.
+Don't bother buying gift sets they are far to much than what you need. Remember you are merely trying to smell nice not like a Persian man working the skin care kiosk. Nor do you want to look like the poster boy for Dolce & Gabbana.
+  When applying a fragrance less is more. 3 shots max! One shot on your wrist and rub your wrists together then rub your wrists behind your ears. One on your bare chest and finally once you are wearing your shirt for the night one shot in front of you and simply walk through the falling mist to get a little on your cloths.

I personally have a few favorites right now that I will share with you. However feel free to go to your nearest Macy's and smell a few yourself:
Guilty by Gucci - Close to the very popular Acqua di Gio by Giorgio Armani but I don't want to smell like all the other knuckleheads in the club. I want to stand out a little in the crowd.
Reveal by Calvin Klein - A softer scent here with a little bit of sandalwood tossed in. If you are going for older women this is a great scent.
Bleu by Channel - A more bold scent however clean
L'Homme by Yves Saint Laurent - A fruitier scent with undertones of citrus.
Amen by Thierry Mugler - This starts out a bit spicy but has a smooth vanilla finish. I figure if nothing else I will smell like a stripper and that has to be good for something.
Chrome by Azzaro - If they where to bottle Irish Springs soap this might be what it smells like.
Legend by Montblanc - If you are going to a place with younger women this is the scent. It has a clean finish and a sweet smell upfront.

Like I said feel free to go to your nearest Macy's and try a few out. But have at least 3 to choose from just to keep the woman in your life guessing.

Next is accessories. I am a watch guy myself. Something about a nice time piece to me completes a look. Even though if asked for the time and my cell phone is dead I am fucked. Sometimes a necklace, a ring or even a bracelet. Whatever your accessories of choice are the limit should be 3. You're not Johnny Depp. He's over 40 and wears slightly more novelty jewelry than the girl on welfare up the street with 80's hair. Here the idea is to keep it simple. Having lots of choices isn't a bad thing. However wearing them all at the same time is just ridiculous. 3 is the limit enough said.

Let's talk about underwear now. One of my best friends Dana likes to go Commando. This is where you simply wear nothing at all. Where they got the name commando from I have no idea because you know real commandos aren't walking through the rough terrain in search of the enemy with their twig and berries just swinging in the breeze. Picture the point man turning around after calling the battalion to a halt deep in the woods with the enemy just yards away using only hand signals as to not alert the enemy of their impending doom in the early morning hours. All the soldiers in their camouflage face paint crouched down behind trees and rocks, paying close attention to their leader as he points out where the enemy is and just as he is about to point out where they are going to attack from, he turns and looks at "Crazy Jimmy." We all know a guy like this too. The guy that does the stupid yet hilarious shit at the worst time. There he is with Hank and the twins hanging low, and whiter than the moon above. When asked what the hell he is doing he tells the fearless leader that this is his homage to the commandos that have gone before him. The leader concerned for his safety gives him some face paint and tells him he better at least put this on before he gets his and everyone else's pecker shot off. And that is how "Crazy Jimmy" meets his maker as a enemy marksman can only see the glare coming off Jimmy's mushroom head from a mile away. How did this trend ever catch on. There must be some level of chafing! I can't even begin to fathom sports without some type of support. I digress... Commando aside

Yup, this happened in the middle of Times Square!

+ The Tighty Whitey Standard Brief: Unless you are between the age of 3 and 8 these are just unacceptable. The only reason they are acceptable between those ages is because they have cartoon characters and super heroes on them. Now this is what kids in my day grew up with. I remember seeing a couple of the Spanish guys on my basketball team when I was in grade school sporting red and blue ones and I thought that was weird but let's be honest the only thing this brief is good for is cutting off blood flow to the general region and having more skid marks than a get away car. Also they where good for tucking awkward errant boner into the industrial strength waste band. If you take off your pants with these pee stained beauties you run the risk of getting laughed out of the room.

+ Boxers: These have their place. I mean if your over the age of 75 feel free to rock these. Not only are they like a fine hotel with plenty of ballroom but they also give you the added opportunity for your dick to just flop out of the front peep hole throughout the day. A great accessory to these is black dress socks pulled all the way up.

+ The Boxer Brief: This is my choice and I would implore all of you to try these out. These embody the best of both worlds. Now I will say that I prefer a micro-mesh fabric that breathes. Cotton doesn't breathe quite as nice, especially if you are riding in a car with heated seats and then you're left with swamp ass. A boxer brief gives you all the support of a brief without cutting off the oxygen supply to old Mr. Winkey.

While we are on the nether region time to talk about "Man-scaping." Back in the 70's and 80's it was cool to have a big beaver pelt on your chest. Men use to fluff it up and unbutton their shirts to show off their chest hair. Then they would take off their pants and it looked like they had Abe Lincoln in a leg lock. As time goes on men just get hairier. Hair starts growing out of our nose and ears. Then the eyebrows come to the party and before long you have gone from looking like Neil Diamond to Rip Van Winkle. Gay guys everywhere caught on that this was just not flattering. There is a lot we can take from the gays. Straight guys pay attention to what they are doing. I am just saying if another gay guy won't go rummaging through the forest to play with the tree why would a woman want to do it?

It's time to get out the clippers and trim the hedges. Nothing fancy here. No need to create award winning topiaries. Just cut it down a bit. If you have chest hair just trim it to the point where it is under control. Warning here, if you go too short you will have itchy stubble. Just trim to the point where it is still soft and you don't look Chewbacca. If you have a hairy back you need to get electrolysis and eliminate that problem. Going lower even the smallest Johnson can look more like a thunder-stick if the backdrop is smaller than what is in the foreground. Feel free to even use a razor around some parts here. The last thing you want is for your lady to be giving you a oral delight and come up coughing like she has a popcorn kernel in the back of her throat. Help her out and clear the table for her a bit.
Also the older you get the lower your boys can hang. Every so often a little mango body butter on the boys will give you some nice taught balls. Don't come at your young trophy girlfriend with Tom Brady "Deflate-gate" old man wrinkly balls. Get that body butter and work it in like oil in an old catchers mitt. Now you have yourself some nice young looking, mango scented twins coming her way.

Finally we head all the way south to the feet and Pedicures. I had no idea just how amazing these where till a former girlfriend brought me to get one. I figured I would humor her and spend some time with her in the process. What resulted was a totally eye opening experience. I have been hooked ever since. Guys that have great wives and girlfriends will tell you, if she ever asks if you want a foot rub you ALWAYS say yes! Who doesn't love a good foot massage on their barking dogs Never mind the fact that she doesn't mind going near them. Now take that experience and multiply it by 5 when you add hot stones, paraffin wax, a foot bath with salts and a giant massage chair. I'm not talking about painting them pretty colors but there is nothing wrong with buffing your wheels. Guys, the days of having thick yellow toe nails that look like they where cut down by kitchen scissors should be a thing of the past. Think of the money you will save on socks and Band-Aids from cutting the back of your loved ones legs in the night while you sleep with your Velociraptor talons. Trust me for $40 let a little Asian woman play with your toes for a hour and you will be thanking me that you got turned on to this. Now here are a few tips for when you go to get a Pedi.

1) Make sure it's a place with a bunch of Asian ladies. From my experience Asian women get in there and get the job done! A high end solon with a bunch of uppity white women will charge you double and do the work like a disinterested house wife gives a blow job doing you a favor.

2) Get the hot stones! Ask the place before you go if they do a hot stone massage on your calves.

3) Download Google translator for whatever language they speak at the shop. Mine is Vietnamese. You want to be able to tell them to rub you harder or softer. You want to get your money's worth here.

4) Don't go to a place in a mall. These girls are seeing hundreds of people a week and especially at the end of the week or day they are tired. Malls tend to have more traffic and overhead to the business. So they pass that expense on to you. Places just outside the mall area especially strip malls tend to be a bit more reasonable and care more about building repeat business so they work a bit harder for it.

5) Once you find one you like tip them well and ask for them by name.

Alright it's late and I'm all out of tips for tonight. Go to get your beauty sleep you probably need it!

Cheers!

Traveling

Unless you are traveling with friends and family, the actual act of getting to your destination is a lonely venture. If you are doing it with friends and family then it's more of a pain in the ass. Take it from a guy with 3 kids. Guaranteed when on a long trip one of your beautiful cherubs will inevitably ask you less than an hour into the trip "are we there yet?" All batteries on portable electronics will be near death at the same time and every 20 minutes someone will have to pee or dying of thirst. This particular trip however I was traveling alone. I was headed to North Carolina to see one of my best friends and brother from another mother, Shawn and his lovely wife Britney.

I am sitting in Baltimore, Maryland on a 3 hour layover. The aforementioned loneliness has turned to observations. Look around the next time you are in an airport. Now look closer at the people traveling alone. Watch as they do their best to create their own little world made of cell phones, laptop computers and neck pillows. Their carry-on bags act as foot rests, back supports and portable desks. Also around any wall outlet you are sure to find someone's mobile office. I don't know what it is however  

I started off this trip with a hour and a half drive after being up till 3 working behind the bar then the minute I got into bed for a whopping 4 hours of sleep seeing as I still needed to be up early to pack. Of course I hadn't packed a stitch yet I had plenty of time, right? At approximately 3:15 in the morning my phone lights up with a text from my middle daughter asking me to come get her from a sleep over. She is tired, scared and doesn't want to be there anymore. God, if you are testing me I think you should remember I am only a C student at best and never did test well...

I subsequently missed my original flight of 8:45am due to thinking it wasn't till 11:30am. The people at the Southwest counter after having a good chuckle at my expense and the "Ticket Bitch" making the comment "you didn't know what time your flight was? That was dumb." It stung a little but she was right. They where eventually able to get me on another flight. Now instead of landing in Raleigh/ Durham, NC at 4:30pm I'm looking at 9:30pm. This has already caused a bit of a hiccup in my pre-planned getting drunk schedule. Turns out the airlines will not allow you to be drunk and belligerent in the air. Something about mooning other planes on the tarmac I am informed is a no-no.

So here I am the weary traveler, tired of small talk with strangers and airport food. I can not wait to reach my destination! However like I said before, already it has been a long strange trip full of thoughts and observations. Of course I must share them with all of you. Here are a few in no particular order:

+ Turns out the "friendly skies" aren't so friendly anymore. My palms where swabbed not once but twice by a magic wand that can detect foreign fluids. Thank goodness I took a shower after my "one for the road" internet porn session. (Side note: my favorite is xhamster.com not a lot of ads, they never re-route you to another website and completely free. However I am looking for another suggestion for internet porn. I think I maybe nearing the end of their catalog... Ahem, I digress.) while on the topic, why do they still make porn if you can get it all for free on the internet? They just all must be really committed to their art. 

I thought I was careful enough to remove anything unnecessary from my carry on bag turns out I forgot a wine bottle opener with a small foil blade. This brought about the need for more fun and frolic time with the local TSA agents. I actually thanked them after a near thorough disrobing and strip search.
Standing in the inspection line is a bit unnerving. It makes even the straightest of arrows start to wonder if there are any warrants out for their arrest or they just happen to have C-4 somehow stuck to their shoe. I found myself actually trying to dodge the glare of the pacing agents.

+While standing in line for the cavity search after taking off my shoes I couldn't help but look at everyone else's feet. No, I don't have a foot fetish of any kind. However looking around you can't help but notice things like the guy that is wearing a $3,000. suite and $1,000 shoes but socks with huge holes in them. The woman with jacked up hammer toes and a homemade pedicure all while wearing a pair of pumps she painted the bottom with the same nail polish as her toes to look like Louis Vuitton's. Then the guy is wearing slip on loafers and smells like he has not washed his feet since Carter was in office and you know damn well he wore those shoes so he can slip them off during the preflight instructions and not putting those barking dogs away till landing.

+ The bathrooms are actually clean however the hand towels are dispensed by way of a motion detector that seems to be weakened. I find myself almost techno dancing in front of the dispenser in hopes of getting the paper to flow. I swear I heard it say "now throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care!" As I flailed rhythmically before it.

Also ever since hearing about that Senator from Iowa that was caught trying to have sex with other dudes in airport restrooms I do everything in my power not to make eye contact and maintain my own personal bubble for fear something I do with my hands could be misconstrued as either a gang sign or a personal invite to "Booty-Land."

+ As I approach the plane through the gate I start to inspect the parts I can see on either side of the gate as if I know anything about aeronautical engineering. I saw a paint bubble and thought this was cause for concern. Isn't this how the Challenger Shuttle explosion started? Is that a missing rivet? I'm suddenly ready to lobby for higher wages to be paid to the ground crew.   

+ The person that closes the door to the plane is a girl named Alison from Wisconsin. My first

thought is my ex-wife is Alison and this is how karma has plotted its revenge. Turns out Satan has a wicked sense of humor. Well played Satan I did not see that one coming.
My next thought is shouldn't someone just a bit more qualified be shutting the door to this vacuumed sealed air bus? Just like when the doctor asked if I wanted to cut the cord when my children where born, I understand it probably isn't that tough to do, but it would just make me feel better about the whole operation. While giving preflight instructions she made a joke that alcohol will flow from the airbags while sipping only what I was hoping was  coffee. No really thank you Southwest for having a sense of humor at a time like this.

+ The bar I'm sitting at has a huge margarita list. Thank goodness because today a beer just won't cut the mustard. Turns out for an extra $3 they double the tequila. So I'm 2 margaritas in and I have 4 free drink vouchers. The second leg of this voyage just got interesting. 

+ The line at the Chipotle was around the corner. Jamba Juice however was 3 people. I opted for a protein shake. We all looked hungry. Subsequently I came to find out Germans really like Mexican fast food. Nothing funny about that really just a tid
-bit of information. Almost the entire line was German.
 

+ Southwest seats people in groups. Group C position 18 is the equivalent of getting a seat in the cargo section. It may have been more enjoyable. The only seats left are middle seats and mine where next to a rotund woman with very active sweat glands and a guy from Iran named Ali.
I fell asleep pretty quickly after being exhausted from the day before. It was a full flight and I woke myself up because I was snoring so loud. I am sure the plane loved me for that. When I woke up Ali was staring at me as though he was my dentist looking for cavities. As I wiped the drool from my mouth he was quick to point out that I must have been tired. Ya think?



+ When I first sat next to Ali I figured of course I would be the one to have to sit next to the only possible terrorist on the flight. I'm not saying all Muslims are terrorists. That is not what I am saying at all! Although let's be real all terrorists as of late do fit his description. Make matters worse the
second he sits down Ali buried his face in his hands and starts to mumble a prayer in Arabic. This begs me to ask the question. They say if you're a Muslim and you die a martyr you will be rewarded with 72 virgins upon your death. Why 72? First of all If these women died as virgins imagine what they must look like! Don't get me confused I am certain they all have lovely personalities however I am almost positive that if you look close enough you can also see where the 12 foot pole was poking them for the better part of their lives. Also I don't know about you but I tend to date women that already know what they are doing. Even when I was younger I dated older women. Older women know exactly what to do. No coaching them needed. They not only do the freaky shit I like but they also make you a sandwich and get you a cold drink after. The last thing I want to be doing is 72 private lessons on how to take a dick. On the other hand is this more of a group orgy setting? mean there are nights where I might be able to handle 2 or 3 but after a solid couple of hours I need a few hour nap. I am only one man! Finally why the hell do they have such a surplus of virgins?
If I see anything even resembling a bomb I am using the large sweaty woman to my right. She already mentioned she is single with no kids and she has 2 cats. I would be doing her a favor by using her as a human shield. She is one cute kitten away from being the crazy cat lady. Also at this point I am so tired that if Ali does have anti-American sentiments I am saying go ahead and do your worst.
However it turns out Ali is a nice guy that lives in Baltimore now after successfully online dating and finding his wife to be in NYC. He's actually quite the chatty Cathy.

+ Just because you don't speak English doesn't mean you should shout into your cell phone in your native tongue in the airport terminal!

+ The plane smells like Fritos and dirty feet. The air valve overhead is set to "wind tunnel" and the large woman next to me doesn't like to share the arm rest. Turns out she is tuning 45 and all her friends are married but her and they are all headed to Vegas for a "wild girls weekend." I was a believer till she took out her knitting. 

Ali on the other hand is praying out loud in Arabic. How the hell did this guy get through TSA??!!

+ I wonder if the new body scans show them everything. The TSA agent on the other side just winked at me. I winked back purely because I didn't want to pull out the finger guns for fear of a rubber glove strip search in the back room. After that brief encounter that I thought nothing of at the time , I now feel dirty and a bit violated. On the flip side He winked and didn't giggle. So maybe all's well that ends well.

+ Everyone waiting for a flight that has a laptop looks very professional and busy, like captains of industry. I on the other hand have opted to watch the movie Joe Dirt 2.  

+ On the way home I was lucky enough to get a isle seat. At 6'3" and 230 lbs. A isle seat is a welcome site. That is until a guy sat next to me with an enormous laptop computer. It was so big the flight attendant scolded him for having this behemoth on the tray table and he was told to power it down and put it away. This computer was jammed into my calves for the rest of the flight.

+ I finally touch down at home and now have the honor of playing "find your car in the long term parking lot." I have a stripped down Jeep wrangler. No key fob here to make my ride chirp and tell me "hey I'm over here dumbass!"
This reminds me of a interesting fact about salmon and how after they are hatched they swim out to sea through various rivers, lakes and streams. Then when they are ready to spawn they swim all the way back through those same rivers, lakes and streams to the exact location they where born in to spawn and then eventually die. A fish with a brain the size of a peanut! And to think I can't ever seem to find my car in a mall parking lot without a cell phone app!
This game of find my car is followed by a rousing game of "Find the parking ticket or get charged double." I fumble all over my car while saying out loud "someone must have stolen my ticket!" Yeah there is a thief out there just waiting to break into my late model soft top Wrangler making it look completely seamless. Not a single other thing was touched but they just had to have my parking ticket! I finally find it in a place "I would never lose it."

That's all I have for now. It's 11pm and I still have an hour and a half ride back to Maine. Why is it I love to travel again?

Cheers!