Realizations About Women

There are several ingredients I believe are necessary to being a good bartender. There are the ones we all know like how to make a good drink, how to carry a conversation on a number of different topics and how to divert the conversation from touchy topics such as politics and religion. How to make people feel welcome and how to make a frown into a smile. Then of course to manage the bar in general and so much more. One ingredient however is how to listen. Just serve up a great drink and shut up while the customer speaks about anything. One time I was serving a priest from the local catholic church Father Patrick. After a few sips of his drink Father Patrick looked up from his drink and said in his thick Irish accent "you know Charles our jobs are not so unalike." I at first was speechless. Here is a man who has devoted the better half of his life in devotion to God and the good word and here I was some beer jockey just looking for my next good dirty joke. When I picked myself up off the floor to ask "How in the world do you figure that?" and at the same time hoping now was not the time he chose to confess some sort of mortal sin we have all been hearing about in the catholic church as of late. He responded in kind with "you probably comfort more people and listen to more of their confessions everyday than I do." Hmmm... Good point. So I listen. I listen a lot to a number of different conversations all at the same time. Sort of like watching television with that guy in your family who always has the remote and never just watches just one show instead opting to watch about 8 at once. When one conversation gets boring I just take 2 steps either left or right and listen.

Last night by some kind act of the lord above I was blessed with having a bar chock full of women. I mean really the ratio was like 8 to 1. So just like I always do I served drinks and listened. While listening I came up with a number of realizations about the fairer sex that I will now share with all of you.

- Every girl has anywhere from 8 to 10 songs that are her "jam."

- Purses cost way too much! I was always under the impression that a purse was suppose to hold money. How is this possible when the purse itself cost $2,495? When was the last time a man spent anything more than $30 on a great wallet? Also purse envy is a real thing.



- Any girl who says she can kick your ass no matter how small in stature she is... Trust her!

- A bar full of women is great if there are men on their way to meet them there to buy them drinks. Women are not only for the most part light weights but they are frugal and calculated light weights. Women have a good idea just how much they will spend on drinks in a night out including tip. Most women are so use to shopping on a budget that this carries over to the bar. Men on the other hand will empty their bank account on drinks every week if it means they might have a shot at getting closer to a woman for the night.

- Every woman has a "go to" karaoke song.

- "Wooooo hooooo!" can mean a number of different things anything from a mating call to "yes I would like another drink."
- "Woooo hooooo!" Can also mean beware the line from happy/ horny tipsy to complete train wreck drunk is fast approaching!

- A women will always know what to do when somebody starts to cry. This usually involves hugs and fast shuffling off to the ladies room. The equivalent of the President of the United States getting stuffed into a armored car after gun shots ring out. A man will panic, grab the nearest women to help and run away.

- Women get to the bar and NEVER know what they want. They tend to look at a martini menu like a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Case and point a man and woman come into the bar together and upon being asked "what can I get you?" The man will look at the woman to see if she is ready to order and upon seeing that she is not even comfortable in her chair yet he replies "Sam Adams, and I have no idea what she is having tonight." The woman: "Uhhhhmmmmm...." while picking up the martini menu and she may not even like martinis. Now this is all null and void if the couple has been together for more than say 10+ years in which case the man just orders for them both while she goes to the ladies room before she even sits down.

- Bachelorette parties have enough penis's (penis straws, inflatable dicks, tiny penis lolipops, etc...) They want men to buy them drinks and that is all! At the end of the night men will be penniless and not lucky and the women will be drunk and still have more penis's than you could ever offer them.

- Every group of women has a "we gotta go girl." This is the girl in the group that for some reason came out with her group of friends and the second one of the girls started to get a little to close to a guy she is group representative to come over at tell the girl out loud for all to hear "We gotta go..." Followed by some excuse like I have a headache or Tiffany has to be up early or the building is on fire.

Now I realize that these realizations do not nessesarily apply to all women but a great majority seem to follow suit. I am sure there are many I have missed as well but I will keep listening in hopes of someday having them all figured out.