Santa Clause is Coming to Town



Thank you Santa it's just what I asked for!

Santa as it has been well documented is an interesting fella to say the least. I mean a jolly old fat man employing lots of little slaves to build toys just so once a year he can ride around the world propelled by a team of reindeer pulling a large sleigh. He spans the globe committing a series of breaking and entering felonies all the while leaving behind his well known calling card of toys with his signature on it. With his only form of payment being cookies, milk and the occasional crayon written thank you note. Dismissing the ever present question of just how does he make all his drop offs in less than a 24 hour window and the obvious issues of time travel and physics I feel there is a whole other side of this Christmas coin that has not been explored. I mean who is Santa and how did he come to be the obese 364 day recluse that we all read and hear about today? Turns out the legend that is Old St. Nick is a veritable hodge-podge of different characters dating back to the days before Christ himself.

Ask the crazy Christians and they tell you he is the ageless St. Nicholas of Myra. The Byzantine saint was known for his generous gifts to the poor. Most notable of these gifts was the presentation of dowries to the 3 daughters of a impoverished Christian man so they would not have to grow up to be prostitutes. Sort of like that buddy of yours that you bring to the strip club and he decides to become the young ladies life coach in the middle of the "Cherry Pie" song. Here's some knowledge... if the stripper is damn near 50 she is no longer dancing to pay for college! Now shut up and let Miss Jiggly 2003 finish her lap dance and you can both part ways after the transaction of $40 for her two song verbal contract stipulates.

Germanic lore has us believing in Odin. A gentleman with a striking resemblance to modern day St. Nick. Celebrating the holiday of Yule better Odin was the leader for the "great hunting party through the sky." Yule is celebrated in the same time frame as Christmas. Now this character was known also for riding an eight legged horse that answered to Sliepnir that could leap a great distance. This could be where the 8 reindeer came from (sorry Rudolph.) According to the story children use to place boots filled with sugar cubes, carrots and straw next to the chimney to feed Sliepnir and in return Odin would leave candy or little gifts for their kindness. Does this sound like "Hey little boy the stranger has candy if you just get in the van" to anyone else but me? But wait it gets better. There is a group of companions (elves?) to Odin called the  Krampus. However these little fuckers aren't jolly at all. They are known for running around town in the first two weeks of December at night scaring little kids and adults alike ringing bells and rusty chains.

Now the Dutch believe in "Sinterklaas", or "The Good Saint." This happy old white bearded chap likes to wear a long red cape, carries a long golden Shepard's staff and has "The Book of St. Nicholas" which he writes in throughout the year to tell if each child has been good or bad in preparation of the gift distribution. Sinterklaas is aided by helpers called Zwarte Piet "Black Peter." As I try to try and draw a parallel between the Zwarte, Peter Pan and the Elves.... I am coming up blank but I am sure you too can trace some of the similarities. Any who, this folk legend arrives by steam boat each November from Spain along with his entourage of helpers Sinterklaas carries his little book of naughty or nice and the Black Pete's bear the burden of unloading all his gifts, spicy nuts, (Ha ha ha yeah Black Pete has your spicy nuts right here!) candy and then coal for the naughty list.

Finally I will touch on the Scandinavians, Danes and a few other Norwegian rooted countries believe in "Father Christmas." Right around 1840 a character by the name of Tomte or Nisse began delivering presents in Denmark. Those wild Danes just renamed old Father Christmas and made him their own but at the end of the day it was the same guy. A short, fat, bearded man that dressed in grey clothes and a red hat roamed the streets 13 days prior to Christmas Eve riding a goat. Yup, a goat... Not exactly the great mythical 8 reindeer we have today. Really Father Christmas dates back to 17th century Great Britain. Again a rotund man who dawns a large green and red fur lined robe and passes out Presents to all good boys and girls all the while spreading Christmas cheer. Father Christmas is the closest McCoy to the modern day Santa we know and love today.

So next time you are in the mall be sure to say hi to the old man. He is somewhere around 575 years old and doesn't get out much. But he knows if you have been naughty or nice and someone with that sort of intelligence should be treated with a little caution. Also being the rock star that he is these days the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has a website for all those that still believe in him to track his where abouts on Christmas Eve. You can even call a NORAD operator and they will tell you just where he is at that hour on their satellites. Yes, these are the same people we rely on to make sure their is not a giant missile headed toward American soil. check that out at http://www.noradsanta.org Whatever your take is on the jolly old Elf I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday to all!

Cheers!