Heaven or Hell?

Sitting back with my bourbon and cigar thinking about the week that was, and the big event was bringing my kids to their first funeral. No matter who the funeral is for it makes you examine your own self worth. Looking around at all those in attendance makes you wonder will anyone show up at my grave or will it go wildly un-noticed? There are so many thoughts associated with death and dying in my head right now so I feel another brain dumping coming on... Enjoy!

+ As the old saying goes "You can't take it with you."... What if you can? What if you are suppose to? What if you get to the pearly gates and Saint Peter the Dorman to Club Heaven tells you a door fee. You are already dressed in your best look ready to spend eternity in this wonderful place and now you can't get in because you don't have the $50 entry fee. Let's say that Pete gives you a pass, but there is a VIP section with bottle service. How are you going to get your bottle of Goose and hang with Sinatra, Janis Joplin and Robin Williams (to soon?) while watching Biggy and Tupac do the Kid N' Play dance from House Party? All I'm saying is that you don't need to take it all with you but maybe a little pocket lining to start a rainy day fund at the 1st Bank of After-life. Last thing I want is to get there and have to Fred and Barney it everywhere. Maybe there is some sort of Jesus Scooter Superstore and let's face it we can't all be angles. I mean if I see Madonna with wings and I don't get any I'll be pissed. Pete if that hose-bag is already in there, you have seen my resume and I shouldn't have to answer any questions!


+ There are so many religions and so many different beliefs out there. Some of us has to be wrong. What if God is really Nipsey Russell, Tito Puente or better yet Nell Harper. How many rednecks do you think that will piss off? Let's see you waiving your rebel flag now! Just then one of the Apostles show up in a mini-bus open the door and yell "Come on y'all jump in! We're headed up to the big house."

+ What do you think the interview process is like at "The Pearly Gates?" Who is doing the interviewing? How many interviews must you go through? Is there a panel sort of like America's Got Talent. the panel could be George Burns, Jerry Garcia, Betty White (she's not dead yet but let's face it, every time you hear about a star dying you think "oh Betty White finally died?!" Then you hear it was someone else and you are a little surprised.) Jesus is the M.C. of the panel and introduces people with a little flair.

+ What am I going to be remembered for? I mean I want to be remembered for being a great Father, a loving husband (someday.) and a all around fun loving guy that could always take and give a joke. Someone honest, real, down to earth and caring. Above all the sort of person that would give you the shirt off his back and smile in the face of adversity. I want people to be able to say "He kept every promise he ever made" and " What ever happened his toes where still tapping." But let's be real I will probably be remembered for mixing a decent drink and having sex with a midget and not necessarily in that order. Eh I guess there are worse things that could be said.

+ Will anyone cry or will they just kick dirt? How many people will show up? I mean will it be like a big sporting event or like a JV baseball game in the rain where only a couple parents show up so they can keep little Timmy from griping when he's older that they where never there for him. Or like Catholics on Sunday that show up and pretend to know all the moves and words but merely mumble the songs and do as the alter-boys do. Then once they are finished doing the wine and crackers they get in the parking lot and act like animals so as not to be late for the game on TV.  I hope there are a lot of laughs. I mean be sad sure. But laugh a lot too. I want people to recount times we had together. Even my past or present haters. Even they have a good story or two. Hopefully not all containing some weird sexual scenario. I mean there are going to be some relatives there and the last thing I want is someone having to explain what the "double reverse Arabian gauntlet" is and why it was the death of me.

+ When I do finally kick the bucket, meet my maker or kiss the sky will someone please burn my porn collection, delete my browser history and toss my tablet computer into the ocean? Who wants to be in charge of that fun task and yes I will leave rubber gloves. I just don't want anyone having to question why I had a membership on KaboomBootys.com. That's just sad.

+ What will my last words be? I want them to be something meaningful. I mean right after I say "God save me." because I am told if you say those 3 little words then all is forgiven and there is no devil time for you. I just hope my final words will be meaningful and will ring true for all eternity. I know no pressure there right? Also you don't want to deliver words like that too soon. You really have to be in-tune as to when your final breath may be. Although in all reality I will probably have some deep meaningful statement all written out and ready to say with all my family and friends in mind and something they can remember me by, however my last words will be "Oh shit!" and I will be paralyzed from the neck down and no one will think to look in my pocket much like when I do laundry and wash a $20 bill.

+ I hope Satin is completely scary looking. I mean if it's jus some really old guy dancing around in red pajamas with a pitchfork like a senior citizen that escaped the home then I am just going to kick rocks and hope I can jump the fence to heaven and hope to blend in.

+ What should I wear? I am usually seen in a pair of khaki shorts, t-shirt and a button down with some nice sneakers. I just don't want to get there and have them refuse me like they did at that club in Manhattan. Sure we still went to a solid couple of clubs in the lower village but it was a real mixed bag and a little sketchy getting there. I am told Purgatory is no place to be traveling when the street lights come on. So maybe I should just be on the safe side seeing as I already will have some money in my pocket and just suit up. My grandmother always said "better over dressed than under." Or maybe this is a prime time to layer or just gym bag it. Although I have been giving serious consideration to cremation. Because when I die I am probably going to look a mess or it will be due a deadly overdose of Viagra and too much bourbon. So there I will be dick up in a casket smelling of booze and lubricant that exploded in my pocket as I hit the kitchen floor. Also I really don't want one of the quandaries to be "should we just push his boner down and slam the casket shut like when we over-pack the station wagon?" Just go ahead and cut it off and make it a silly trophy to be passed around annually for the guy on your pickup league team that got with the ugliest girl while completely sober.

So much like the old toast goes... May you find your way to heaven 20 minutes before the Devil knows you're there!

 

Cheers!