Just Do It!

Yesterday was Wednesday better known as "Hump Day." The significance of course being he middle or "hump" in the traditional 5 day work week. However to myself and other like minded friends the word "hump" brings out a similar response to the word "duty." Sophomoric chuckles for all in ear shot. For those of you that live under a rock I submit below the definition of the word "hump."

Webster's Dictionary

Hump: Slang: Vulgar. 1. an act or instance of coitus. (sexual intercourse)

Urban Dictionary (I like this one far better)

Hump: (verb) for a man or woman to sit on his/her back and move up and down, hard and fast

Girl: If I sit down here will you hump me?
Boy: Yeah!
The girl lays on the table on the guy gets on top of her and stabs his penis into the girl's vagina and her moves up and down on her hard and fast. "OOH! AAH!" She moans, "Faster! Faster!"

I'm sure you get the picture by now on the double entendre at hand. So my point of view was that everyone should get to "hump" on this apply named day. That's right I say just because it's Wednesday it's time to get those heels to the sky ladies! Yes I know real ground breaking stuff here. However I look at it this way, a group of scientists graduate from Harvard or Yale every year. Some spend their life finding cures for cancer or the common cold. Others go on to create a better boner pill.

Anywho... This entire MENSA meeting came to a screeching halt when a friend of mine mentioned she wouldn't be breaking off her significant other and father to her children a little something, something because in her words "it was complicated." In other words there is a rift in the household and she had her panties in a twist guaranteed over something stupid he did. This situation plays itself out all over the world and more times than we all care to admit. So here is my message I gave to her and I am now going to drop this pearl of wisdom to all of you. Feel free to get out your pen and paper now you might want to write this one down.

Nothing ever gets accomplished by doing nothing. No one is ever satisfied and although sex is not the only thing it is a HUGE thing! Alright allow me to break this down. The divorce rate in America is right around 50%. That means half of everyone that swears before

God and family that they will Love, honor and cherish is sickness and in health. For rich or for poor till death do they part, is full of shit! Next time you go to a wedding take it worth a grain of salt. There is a high probability that the people standing before you are completely lying to you! Just think about it this way. The whole ceremony starts off with a lie when the bride walks down the isle in a white gown to signify virginity. When we all know damn well those two met while dry humping on a dance floor and went somewhere that same night and had drunken sweaty awkward sex. Even my own second marriage was a complete sham when my wife to be came out 8 months pregnant in a white dress. SERIOUSLY! This doesn't mean there is an absence of love just the simple fact is that 50% of those couples aren't doing what it takes to live up to those vows. Fights are going to happen, anger will come and go but what is being done in the interim to make certain that the animosity doesn't grow? Here now is the solution to this growing problem...

FUCK!!! Yup it's that simple! Have sex, knock boots, have a roll in the hey, make whoopee, do the nasty, the horizontal hokie-pokie, bang, screw, have gland to gland combat, batter dip the corn dog, take the skin boat to tuna town... Whatever you want to call it for Christ sake if you are in a relationship and want to keep being in that relationship HAVE SEX!!! Not just on Wednesday but every chance you can! Keep it fun, exciting and fresh. Ladies toss on the lacy mu-mu and take that boy to pound town. Guys, trim the hedges, take a damn shower and spritz on some foo-foo juice. Why aren't you fucking yet?!

Next time you are angry, pissed off, frustrated or whatever else in your relationship is keeping from having a smile on your faces call a time out. Just step away from it and go fuck! Try being angry when you just had a mind blowing orgasm. Sort of the same way you can't stay mad when on a trampoline. Not sure this would ever work? Ask your grandparents. You know the ones that came from families of 5, 10 or even more. Their parents stayed together for 70 years. Why? They fucked a lot! Take a look at the Latino population. Mom and Dad don't always see eye to eye when it comes to all those kids but you can bet Momma is singing "Ay Papi!" Then order is restored. Momma walks with a limp and Papi goes and takes a nap and all the anger is gone. Now just fix the problem.

Make no mistake better than most life isn't all farting roses and pooping rainbows. There will be tough times and for those times I say get real dirty! I'm talking the sort of bang session where you can't ever look each other in the eye for the rest of the day. Spitting, talking dirty, rooting around making animal noises, good God who is this nasty ho, sort of sex!

Just the other day I was in a department store and I overheard a little girl in the shoe department ask her mother while looking at some sky high heels "Mommy do you wear high heels?" The brutal honesty of the answer was the saddest thing my ears have ever heard and so telling too. "I use to but not anymore." Bet you dollars to doughnuts her underwear was cotton with holes in it too. She wasn't a bad looking woman either, but she had a couple of kids and obviously has gotten comfortable. As she walked around in her big comfortable clogs all I could think is what does the husband look like? I turned to see the husband, also a good looking guy but a look of "I live in hell" all over his face. She isn't trying anymore physically and he isn't in it mentally. Imagine the look if she picked up some lingerie and fuck me pumps while in that store and he looked at her and told her just how insanely beautiful she was and then the just fucked! I can tell you that they would both be sporting different looks on their faces.

Sit down and with a list of all the things you both like make a sex calendar. Here are a few ideas:

Monday - A.M. - Morning wake up sex! Poke her in the back with that... yeah they love that!) Guess who's up?!!

P.M.- Surprise her with flowers and tell her your name is now Juan Carlos the Latin lover. (Use a Spanish accent) then bam! Missionary pinned to the wall, lift her skirt and have at it.

Tuesday - Quickie between work and dinner. A whole day of work with no end to the week in sight makes me a horny bugger.

Wednesday - HUMP DAY!!! Afternoon delight! Rush home or even better find a quiet spot and do it in the car during your lunch break.

Thursday - Slow and steady. Make this one last because the weekend is coming and it will fly by.

Friday - Tell the kids to get in the car and you will be right out. When they are all outside have a quickie in the bathroom.

Saturday - Break out the kinky stuff. Call each other by someone else's name on purpose and see how long you can hang on. Take a try at her booty. Tell him you always wanted a 3-some with his best friend while he ties you up to the ceiling fan. Buy and remote control vibrator and go food shopping in the afternoon! Make this a undercover freak day. Be wild and do it like it's your first time.

Sunday - For God sake take a break. Break open a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch while you rub her butt. Even the good Lord above according to the Bible rested on the 7th day. Besides you don't want chaffing there is a whole new week headed your way.

Did you know that Islam has forbidden sexual intercourse during menstruation? The Qur’an says: “They ask you about menstruation. Say: Menstruation is a discomfort (for women). Do not establish sexual relations with them during the menses and do not approach them (sexually) until the blood stops. Then when they have cleansed themselves, you go into them as Allah has commanded you.” (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:222)
Now watch the news and see how many of them are pissed off and blowing themselves up... On the other hand here in America, Comedian Ron White says "Just cause the roller coaster is broke doesn't mean they shut down the whole amusement park! If they did people would still be looking over the fence saying "Hey the log ride is still working just fine!"

So that is my message to all of you. Stop holding out, drop all the anger for just a little bit everyday because no one will be satisfied. Fuck and all will be OK! Now what are you waiting for? Go FUCK!!

Cheers!

 

Here are a few more euphemisms for having sex. Enjoy!

 

belly to belly

boff
boink

bouncing the pogo stick

bump and grind

bump fuzzies
bump uglies
bury the bone

bury the one-eyed worm

bush patrol

butter the muffin

check the oil

churn butter

clam dip

clean the carpet

dance in the sheets

do the deed

dip the wick

dip your pen in the ink

do it

do the dirty

exchange bodily fluid

feed the kitty

fill the cream donut

fit her clap flap

fix her plumbing

flop the hay

fornicate

four legged frolic

frolic in the cornfield

fuck

funky chicken, the

get a home run

get busy

get into one’s pants

get it on

get laid

get rocks off

get your nuts cracked

give her a high hard one

give her a pat

glaze the donut

go fishing

hanky panky

hide the hot dog

hit it

hobble the horsey

hop upon the wild pony

horizontal hustle

horizontal mambo

hot beef injection

hot dog in a jungle

hump

the old in and out

juice someone

jump one’s bones

knock boots

knock mops

lay piping

lie feet up

lust and thrust

make babies

make it

make love

make some friction

mattress dance

mattress mambo

mingle limbs

mommy-daddy dance

mount

nail

naked dance

nookie

watch the submarine races

park the Plymouth into the garage of love

parting the pink sea

party for two

pass the gravy

piece of ass

plant your seed

play doctor

play on the hair court

play pickle me/ tickle me

plug and play

plug the hole

poke in the whiskers

pop the cork

pork

pound

probe

probe the membrane

put sour cream on the taco

put the snake in the cave

ram

ride

ride the baloney pony

ride the hobby horse

ride the wild bull

roll in the hay

ring her bell

rumple the foreskin

score

scratch your itch

service the clam

sexercise

shag

sink it in

sink the sub

skin the cat

slap bellies

slime the banana

smash pissers

sow wild oats

spank the cat

spear the bearded clam

stab the trout

storm the trenches

stuff the beaver

stuff the taco

sweep the chimney

take “old one-eye” to the optomotrist

the hole smash

thread the needle

throw a log on the fire

tickle her belly from the inside

two-person pushups

vulcanize the whoopee stick

walk the dog

wet the wick

do the wild thing