Shots from the Bartender: Brain Dump

November here in Maine has come in with a bang. It snowed here on November 1st. As my Pop would say "it was nothing to write home to Mom about." However it was snow and watching the flakes fly while listening to the wind howl gives a person time to think with no desire to leave the house. That is exactly what I did this weekend. Now keep it all in perspective and it is still just me so don't look for any deep introspection here.

The other day I was at the gas station filling up the Jeep with all my kids in the car. The car next to me was also getting gas. The guy went to get something out of the passenger side and when he did he essentially mooned my entire car load of kids because he had his pants down past his ass. The next day I was walking in the mall and their was a guy walking around in skinny jeans sagging! This makes about as much sense as wiping before you poop. SO, I have a new idea for a new street gang and help bring down the ever growing prison population. We go to the toughest prisons the US has to offer and gather up the toughest gay ones we can find. You know the real rapey type. We gives them all ankle bracelets and bright pink jumpsuits. We can even name the gang "The Booty's" Their entire mission will be to roam the malls and suburban streets looking for all the little bad asses that like to walk around with their pants down past their ass. When they find one of these guys they are legally allowed, NO obligated to drag him to the nearest alley and butt fuck him prison style till he either buys a belt or joins the gang. Take your pick! Either walk with a limp or get with the program scooter! Good luck walking it off though I'm told that it hurts every time.

This next one comes from my Dad... I was watching football the other day and it reminded me of a
few of his observations.

- A father dreams of his son becoming a professional athlete. At birth we as fathers put a ball in your hand. I gave all my kids basketballs. You teach them how to throw and catch a ball. How to swing a bat, how to run faster and how to tackle correctly. You spend countless hours carting them to practice and watching them from

the sidelines and cheering them on. You spend insane amounts of money getting them to games and buying the right equipment. You pick them up when they are down and give them a pep talk on what it takes to reach the next level in hopes of being a champion someday. Then one day they finally make it! They make the big time and in their first game they score a touchdown, hit a homerun or hit the game winning shot/ goal. They come to the sidelines to the high 5's, fist and chest bumps and admiration of all their teammates and coaches. The TV camera zooms right in on them and they look right into the camera and say... "Hi MOM! We're #1!"

- The other observation here is watching a kick return in a football game and the return man makes a breakaway run. He runs 100+ yards completely untouched. He somehow manages to evade 11 behemoth 300+ pound men that want to rip his head off and get on camera having that big ESPN highlight reel hit that make even the people watching it at home jump back on their couch. The ball carrier makes it end zone to end zone unscathed and only his own team mates following close behind him. And what do they all do to show their love for their fleet of foot team member when they all reach the end zone with him? They smack him in the head and jump all over him! Way to go, nice job! Now here's your concussion!

Dating after the age of 40 is sort of like going apple picking at the end of the season. Their are tons of apples in the orchard. However all the good ones seem to all be at the top of the tree and completely unreachable. Then there are a ton scattered all over the ground. Your first notion is to climb the tree but then you remember you are 40 and falling out of a tree isn't a good look. The things your friends would write on your cast now as apposed to when you fell off the monkey bars in the 3rd grade are completely different. Trust me they will find a way to write on your cast too. So then then you find a ladder and when you do finally find what looks to be a good one you realize that it has been in the sun far too long and its skin is wrinkled up like a alligator bag or you do find a beauty and it is all the way at the top of the tree. You finally are able to reach it and then you take a bite and it is completely sour. So then you climb off the ladder and start looking at the ones that have fallen to the ground and think well that one doesn't seem so bad. Sure it has a lot of bumps and bruises and a big old worm living inside it but it is so much easier to get to than the ones at the top of the tree.

When did fat girls get so angry about guys not appreciating their weight or curves? I thought fat

people where suppose to be jolly. Personally I am an equal opportunity employer. I am not mad if you have some curves. however some guys don't like it. That does not mean they can't handle you or lack the equipment to be with you. It doesn't take any special type of intestinal fortitude to get with a big girl. While we are on the subject stop describing yourself as a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman.) I realize the people of Dove have told you curves are sexy and far be it from me to tell them hey are wrong however you're not all beautiful. Some of you are just jacked up fat chicks and that's OK too. I am sure you are beautiful on the inside. However all I can see right now is what appears to be a brown tooth and leggings that are being worked time and a half. I'm a fat kid myself and I like chocolate. Not all your weight issues are from a over active thyroid gland some are just because you like honey barbeque wings and beer more than a carrot and hate to jog too. That picture you see on the left is an actual woman on Plenty of Fish that asked me out a month ago. That is the picture she chose to best represent herself!
Ordering a salad from McDonalds is like paying a prostitute and only getting a hug.

If you get a tattoo on your neck or above it should read "I'm not going to get this job am I?" Unless you plan to be a tattoo artist and even then I don't think I want my ink done by someone that looks like they just got out of the penitentiary. I mean what sort of sterilization process standards do you think they uphold? My guess here is the same method used to neutralize a jellyfish sting. Also if you have 3 tattoos or less you don't have "tats." You're not "tatted up" and you certainly don't have ink. You have a couple of tattoos maybe. The only exception is if you have tattoos bigger than a standard ruler.

Speaking of rulers I am going to speak to the guys here... Stop measuring, taking pictures of and mailing pictures of your penis. Seriously! Women do not want to see that. If you go on Craigslist and it says that they want a picture of your cock. It's a dude pretending to be a chick. End of story. I know we are all very proud of our own manhood. Think I am kidding? Read a couple of letters to

Penthouse and see how guys tell stories and then describe what they are packing. It sounds like some guy with a 12 inch monster in his pants frantically writing while masturbating angrily in a closet. "That's when I took my 12 inches of blood pulsating love sausage and dipped it into her honeypot of joy." Are you about to fuck Winnie the Pooh with a ruler?!! These guys come up with names for their cocks like "the widow maker" "Stanley" (Because it's a power tool.) Or "the truth" not because it resembles Paul Pierce however look at his facial hair and bald head might have you thinking differently, but instead because women just can't handle the truth! We all think when we look between our legs that we are packing. Very few of us want to look down and think we could be inadequate. Let's face it a man's package compared to a woman looks ridiculous. The vagina is such a

nice looking package all folded nicely into itself waiting to be peeled back to reveal a beautiful self lubricating flower. It's self cleaning and pink on the inside. Now look down at your pecker. It looks like God had 10 minutes left before he had a long weekend off from work, was out of ideas and limited supplies. A penis when not aroused looks less like a proud soldier and more like a disabled vet sitting on two old duffle bags. Put the ruler and the camera down gentlemen!

Loyalty is a quality you rarely need to display. However when the time comes we all find out what side of the coin you are on. The same way it is easy to say someone is not afraid of anything. The company "No Fear" comes to mind. Take these some people with no fear t-shirts and stickers all over their car and push them out into oncoming traffic and watch the fun ensue.