Shots from the Bartender: Online Dating for the 35+ Crowd.

I am no longer ashamed to say that I am a full fledge member of the online dating world. I realize this carries some stigmatism however for me, I'm over it. I have been sitting at the table for far too long. I am tired of walking into a bar and not knowing what to look at or whom. The last time I went out to eat there was no room at the bar so staring at the TV was not an option because the only one was behind me. You can only glance around the room so many times before people think you are staring at them and then the only option is to read whatever you can off your smartphone. Texting while eating is messy and although like your dining with another it just isn't the same.

???

I began writing this piece back in August of this year. The problem was that I just kept running into new material and I wanted time to think about what I was tossing out there into the blogosphere. Believe it or not I actually take time and consideration when I write this crap. I understand Shakespeare I am most certainly not. However I would like to think there is at least some small bits of wisdom to be derived from even my most mundane of thoughts. Every author, poet and songwriter I am pretty certain wants to thing they are inspiring someone and I am no different. So here it is December. The year is just sailing by. I started off 2014 by signing divorce papers on a 14+ year marriage. At times being alone has brought be to some pretty low places. It has also taught me a TON about who I am and what I want for the future.

Also as a side note you will see a lot of screen shot pictures here. These are actual profile pictures of some of the people on the Plenty of Fish dating site. Keep in mind "POF" is a free site and sometimes you get exactly what you pay for. I am under no false pretenses that I too am no prize pig and therefore part of the dating bargain bin fire sale.

Anyone who has ever really known me has also seen a shift in my guarded nature. There was a time in my life where I wouldn't tell anyone a thing about myself that I didn't feel they needed to know. I kept my personal life very personal. Everyone was on a need to know basis and no one really needed to know. Now as my friend Emily from Vermont would say this has been my "year of fuck it!" This is where I seem to be doing just the opposite and won't shut the fuck up even though it is probably best to keep some personal information to myself. I have opened up the flood gates so to speak and there seems to be no going back on that now.

She not only wants a man...

and she wants to sell her rims!

2014 has also taught me what it is like to be lonely and that I don't like to be left alone. I like to feel wanted and loved. Sleeping alone is probably the worst of times. I have a body pillow now and I am just shy of giving her a name. Yup it's a her. And trust me if I could just get over that whole dude on dude part I would probably just be gay. However I can't even watch it on TV so I don't think that would translate well to real life. But just think how much easier it would be. I mean the whole 3 date rule would fly right out the window. No worry about feeling shame for just wanting to hit and run or even falling asleep after because you know... we're dudes!

No you can't touch mine. You already broke yours off!

Back to my original thoughts back to August... My point being, I am doing this. Yup, I sat down the other night and started putting together all the things I wanted in a relationship. All the highlights I wanted to see in significant other. A sort of wish list if you will. I am sure I sounded like a kid at Christmas time sitting on Santa's lap in the mall... "and I want a pony, and a GI Joe with the kung foo grip!" So there I am just pulling up the stool to my workbench in the "build a bitch" workshop. As I am sifting through all the profiles and talking to more than my fair share of women a few thoughts cross my mind. Some of you may find these helpful. Some of you might find these comical. Others will think I am being over the top picky and maybe even overly skeptical (naaaa not me!) I am far from perfect and please do not think for a moment I feel I am without fault. Yes I know Jesus said "may he who is without guilt cast the first stone." However in this case all the windows have been knocked out of my glass house already and now I'm just lobbing a few back.

So I put together a dating profile. You can almost smell the desperation. However I was convinced I wasn't going to waste my time. I was going to put into words all the things I wanted in a relationship and the woman I was looking for. So here is what I wrote:

About me, I think I'm easy to get along with. I've never been one to take myself to seriously. If anything I'm guilty of self deprecating humor and able to laugh about most anything. I don't care what your age is just be ready for a mature relationship. No silly drama, let's keep the crazy to a minimum. I'm a bit of a romantic and not afraid to admit I would love to be in Love. I believe in a man being chivalrous. I learned this from watching my own father and how he still treats my mother. I open doors even for my daughters so they know what to expect from men when they date. However with my son I pull out his chair just before he sits so he knows to look twice because guys friends are asses! I have manners and my Mother raised with solid values. Although unlike when I open a door for my daughters I will probably give you a pat on the ass on the way through just to prove you have my attention and what the hell it's fun for me too! I try my best to be polite unless pushed otherwise. I'm clean and even use soap twice a month weather I need it or not! I like being active and I'm fairly athletic. I like to play basketball, golf, tennis and going to the gym. The unfortunate part is I also love food so it's a constant balancing act. Sort of like going running just far enough to get a doughnut and walk home eating it. I like to travel and I'm a huge fan of overnights and day trips.

I work a good bit but also make a lot of time for the important things and people in my life. I am a business professional by day and a bartender part time at night. I also have a whole website devoted to all the silly stuff that crossed my mind or I see CharlesTheBartender.com if you want to check it out feel free but be aware it isn't pretty and I tend to be unfiltered and very glib when I write. So please take it all worth a grain of salt if you do read it. Also fair warning: your IQ could drop up to 15 points after reading it. It is fun and earns a good penny so why not.
I'm a single dad and it can be challenging but I wouldn't trade it for the world. My kids are respectful and well behaved. I get along well with my ex and zero baby mama drama.

So I'm looking at this as sort of my wish list. I wanted to rattle off what I'm looking for. I'm sure by the end of this it will be sort of like a kid sitting on Santa's lap... "and I want a pony..." I realize that this also isn't the "Build a Chick Workshop" (sort of like Build a Bear in the mall only with anatomically correct parts.) But I'm hopeful for at least a few of these qualities.
+ Smart, funny, kind, bubbly, etc. I think that is all pretty boiler plate stuff.
+ Likes sports and enjoys working out. I'm not looking for someone that wants to have bigger arms than me or feels it's necessary to arm wrestle. I like when a woman wears a skirt or dress sometimes and if your balls hang out when you do, it's no longer cute. I would love to meet someone into golf or skiing. It's a great way to spend some time outside together. But there aren't many out there that are so I guess someone willing to learn would be cool. Same goes for other sporty stuff.

+ You should be an American not an American't. This has nothing to do with your ethnicity or heritage. This is all about attitude and having a positive outlook. Think positive and positive things will happen... eventually.
+ Someone that likes to smile and laugh. There is just something sexy about a woman with a confident smile. If you are all about saying your life sucks I'm not going to be the one trying to save your wretched soul. Even better when seeing her after a long day. A smile can make it all better.
+ Be a little bit of a girly girl. I really appreciate the sight of a sexy woman in cute shoes and a dress. Although a bubbly friendly attitude makes a woman even more sexy! That doesn't mean I want a Barbie doll in heels and dress all the time, but it does mean that it is something I want sometimes. So every so often if you like to girl it up I will be more than happy to check you out! I have a few functions for work and I want someone hot by my side and then be able to completely be relaxed in jeans and a t other times. Sort of the whole package.

+ Enjoy good food and drinks. I love getting together with friends a couple bottles of wine and snacks by the ocean and life is good. I also thoroughly enjoy good food and trying different things.

+ Have a very healthy sexual appetite. I know they say a mans sexual peak is 18. I beg to differ! I want someone that wants to have fun shaking the sheets and can not get enough. I want to use the word adventurous here for sure! (Yup! I'm a freak!)

+ Be able to hold a conversation and have interest in learning. I have no problem if sometimes one of us just wants to play devil's advocate for the sake of an interesting debate. Open minds make for interesting people. I'm a bartender part time and I learn something new from people there all the time. I want to know all about you and if every other word sentence is "I don't know" or "whatever" then the conversation will be short. Also please have a good command of the English language Intelligence is sexy trust me!

+ Be a lady! I'm not trying to say you must always act like the princess you are however belching the alphabet or any word or phrase doesn't do it for me. Also I understand the need for an open door policy in a relationship, but feel free to close the door when you use the ladies room. There is a plethora of things we as men love to see you do naked, Jumping on a trampoline, wresting in mud, swimming under the stars and kiss another woman are right at the top of my list just to name a few. However using the bathroom... nobody needs to see that! Some things are sexy when you are naked. That isn't one of them. Don't believe me, watch the Seinfeld episode when he dates a nudist. There is nothing sexy about a lady grunting while trying to open a pickle jar naked.

Murica!

+ I'm all about being open and honest. You should be able to pick up my cell anytime and look through it or ever answer it when there is a call if you want. No secrets and no lies. I want a 100% relationship with no walls up. We are going to be a team and that means trust and always having each others back. ALWAYS!
If I type anymore I'll have carpal tunnel and I'm sure you've lost interest long before this point. So if you have any questions feel free to ask. I'm an open book.

So there it is my profile for all to see. Then I waited for all the responses to roll in. When I did finally start to see some fruits of my labor the responses where not all that I hoped for. I also have spoken to a few of my female friends about this topic and they also gave me their own horror stories. So after sorting through the rubble, repeatedly shaking my head and then placing my face in my palms while saying "Oh good gracious!" I have compiled some tips and horror stories for both sides to take from. Also mixed in here are pictures from actual women on the "Plenty of Fish" site. ith some of my special captions.

Ladies first:

Just 1 eyebrow

Stop asking "Are you an ax murderer?" - Here is a good one that I hear over and over. No joke I have actually been asked this one over the phone before meeting a girl and more than once! I finally get up the courage and summons the words to ask a pretty girl on a date. I realize a girl has to make sure she is safe and I hope my daughters do the same thing or just become lesbians. I would cheer the stars if they became lesbians. It would mean I no longer have to invest in a shot gun and I can completely stop working out! Although I understand wanting to make sure you keep a safe distance until you feel like you really know a guy because there are completely crazy people out there. However stop asking me if I am an "Ax murderer!" Seriously even if I was do you think I would just admit to it? Are ax murderers just that honest?

Ax Murderer: Hey want to meet me for a drink tonight?
Girl: Are you an ax murderer?
AM: Murderer: Yeah! Damn you got me! (giggling)
Girl: Really? (completely relieved at the unveiling of this truth.)
AM: Yup! I was totally going to chop you up into little pieces! Had a shallow grave all picked out and everything too! Oh well I guess now it's all ruined seeing as it's no longer surprise. (looking completely disappointed.) Thanks a bunch!
Girl: Awww come on don't be that way. You really scared the hell out of me.
AM: Really? Or you just saying that?
Girl: No, no really you came off very Dexter. You know like a nice guy but really creepy underneath it all.
AM: Well thank you! That's what I was going for.
Girl: Thank God we got that out of the way.
AM: Hey seeing as I can't do that now, want to go for coffee?
Girl: You seem honest so OK!

I can see into your soul!

Keep it Classy - Alright so this one is a tough one for me to let out of the bag just because I like most men LOVE half naked to fully naked women! In all seriousness however if you are wanting to find a deep meaningful connection and develop a relationship based on trust and mutual respect then keep your tits in your shirt! You would not believe how many women post of picture of themselves in various stages of undress or pictures of just their cleavage or their ass and then go on to say "if you are looking for a hook up then move along." Ladies here is a news flash and I am sorry to all the men out there for giving this one away. We are visual creatures! We look at a picture like that the same way we look at the glass case at the deli counter and get instantly hungry for a sandwich. I can freely and openly admit that when a girl is talking to me while her shirt is unbuttoned to her bellybutton I don't even know nor care if she has a head. You are sending us a VERY mixed signal.

I had a friend Melissa that use to say "always think with the end result in mind." Great advice in many facets of life. If you are looking like a hooker in your profile pictures don't expect me to get much further than your pictures. I am more than likely not going to read all your other thoughts and feelings in the "about you" section. I have just seen everything I needed to see!

Carrie: Would you like to see my dirty pillows?

Also men are extremely primal. If we could many of us would go back to caveman times. See us drinking in a bar in our loin cloth and there we spot a woman that catches our eye. Time to make our move. No more need for witty one liners to get your attention. All we would need is our trusty club and off you get drug back to our cave. The bottom line here is let me unwrap my own gifts (you) when the time is right.

I see dead people.

Above the head camera shots - Almost every girl says they want an honest guy. They are looking for a guy that isn't going to lie to them. Fair enough. So knock it off with the above the head camera shots. The cat is out of the bag and we all know you are trying to hide a double chin! I would rather know up front what I am getting myself into. If you are a big girl God bless you and we still love ya! Hell we sometimes will love you by the pound. But if all your pictures are from aerial I am calling bullshit! If we show up and you look like Princess Leah should be chained to you in a bikini and all your pictures are from above making you look thinner then who is lying to whom? Your nails are fake, your hair isn't it's natural color and half of it is detachable, you're wearing make up to hide anything you consider a flaw and the weight section on your license is what you wish it was all the time. I get it! But you can now be considered half way in on the witness relocation program due to the many adjustments to your image. Just give us the real you.

Sweet fridge.

"I am not going to have sex with you!" - I would like to think something like this is a game time decision. I didn't even ask you yet! So putting that out there right from the jump tells me there is already a great big wall up between us and makes the whole night awkward. Sort of like being presumed guilty before a fair trial. If he is a gentleman than he will respect you saying no when and if he does ask. The other night I got a message from an older woman asking me if I had any plans for the night. I told her I had none, but was planning to lay low and watch Netflix, and she was more than welcome to come over and split a bottle of wine and watch a movie with me at my place. There was a long pause. When she finally spoke she said "Well I'm not going to have sex with you." What part of that offer said come on over and do a naughty dance on my fun pole?! I realize that men are complete carnal horn dogs. However some of us have couth and respect. If you feel your chastity will be threatened just decline the invite till you feel comfortable.

She likes lingerie by the fire and a tractor.

Find a few decent pictures - I'm sure you are queen of the "selfie" and Princess Duck lips but do you really think that is your best side? In the same breath if you are going on and on about wanting a solid and meaningful relationship and a "real man by your side" as I said previously, then as much as I appreciate the view I shouldn't be able to see all the way to your navel in your profile picture. Men are visual creatures and If you show us a big juicy steak then we will want a big juicy steak!

All that aside there is a great number of you that need a photo intervention. What I mean by that is to have at least one friend if not a male and female friend take a look at what you are about to post. Tell them to be critical. If you are too embarrassed to show your friends then you probably should not be posting it for the entire dating community to see. Gentlemen you just wait I will be talking about you next. You would be shocked (or maybe you won't) at what people post for pictures. Keep in mind this is what they feel is a good first impression.

Her forehead is pierced!

Older women are just fine - You said you are 33 in your profile and then you got out of the car and looked damn near 60! Did you not think we would see the discrepancy? Do this to me I will promise you upon our meeting that I will pretend to either be a Eastern European exchange student who only knows how to say "Nice shoes, want to fuck?" in English. Or a blind white guy who thinks he is black and has no volume control especially when talking about the "white devil" and how he has kept me down all these years with lots of inadvertent feeling up moments due to not knowing where my hands will land seeing as I am blind. Trust me when I tell you that an older woman is just fine to most men. It means less stress, zero bullshit and no jumping through silly hoops like most younger women tend to put us through. We love it when a woman knows who and what she wants and lets us know right up front.

Somewhere there is a pissed off rooster.

Even better a older woman will do WAY more in bed! Her body is a finely tuned instrument. There isn't going to be a lot of questions as to what it takes to rock her boat. She might even draw you a diagram. None of this up all night stuff either. Older women have careers not just jobs. They want to be in bed and asleep by a certain time. They look at sex as a mission get in, get out and be in bed asleep before 11pm on a weeknight.

Now onto the fellas...

How to write a profile - So my first piece of advice is on how to write your profile especially in the "About you" section.

1. Don't start it with the old "I'm not good at talking about myself" line. We all know if you get a beer in you suddenly you turn into the equivalent of Al Bundy and talk about the time you scored 4 touchdowns in one game in high school. Your over 30 now and you make noise both sitting down and getting up from the couch. No woman is getting damp thinking she might get to wear your letterman jacket anymore.

2. Use full sentences and proper grammar. Periods, comma's and question marks. Ebonics is dead and you are more than likely not "hood" so go ahead and tap that spell check button and stop ending words that end in s with z. Also this should be a place to say something about who you are. So unless you are only worthy or 2 sentences, here is a great place to be descriptive.

3. Ask a woman what she wants in a man and 8 out of 10 times she will come back with the following words: smart, funny, honest, successful and real. So keep this in mind when you are writing your profile. Inject some humor, try your best to sound intelligent and definitely keep it real. I feel like the Wizard of Oz here when I say that being smart doesn't mean you necessarily need to have a degree but be up on current affairs and be able to have an opinion on them. Need a little help in that department? You will be surprised what you can learn from NPR while riding in the car. The same way being funny doesn't mean you need to be a clown (they are creepy.) Just smile and don't take your self to seriously.

Time to grow up - With the chances being slim to none and none getting ready to leave town on the possibility of a budding rap career. Jay Z is more than likely not going to be calling anytime soon so feel free to pull up your pants and match your shoes to your belt instead of matching your shoes to your flat brim hat. Something that turns a real woman on is a man with a career. NOT just a job but a CAREER! Here is a list of things that change with dating over 30:

Under 30                                                  Over 30
Being captain of the football team           = Well funded 401k
Cool Car                                                   = Reliable car with great gas mileage
Motorcycle (crotch rocket)                      = Motorcycle (Harley Davidson) = big vibrator on wheels
Polo/ Drakkar Noir Cologne                   = Clean clothes (owns a washer/dryer)
Car sound system with sweet bass.          = Having all your own white teeth

Get the picture? What was important at 20 is of little use to a 30+ woman.

Picture time - Guys I realize you grew up flexing in a mirror because your mom or dad told you are handsome. However, stop with the pictures of your half naked body you monkey! It looks pathetic and desperate. If you are looking for a serious relationship it will not come from a selfie of your naked chest. Ain't no one want to see that! And please no pictures of your junk. Seriously! Let's face it a man's package compared to a woman looks ridiculous. The vagina is such a nice looking package all folded nicely into itself waiting to be peeled back to reveal a beautiful flower. It's self cleaning and pink on the inside. Now look down at your pecker. It looks like God had 10 minutes left before he had a long weekend off from work, was out of ideas and limited supplies. A penis when not aroused looks less like a proud soldier and more like a disabled vet sitting on two old duffle bags.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T! - Believe it or not the pictures here are completely real and are screen shots sent to me by female friends of mine. I have 2 daughters and the very sight of these messages makes me want to buy a stronger gun and another shovel to burry the guys that speak to them like this in my backyard. Here is a great idea next time you go to send a woman a message think first if your mother were to ever read this would she bitch slap you? If the answer is even a remote possibly of yes then tap the delete key

till you're back to square one.

Top 10 ways NOT to start a conversation with a woman.
1. Hey wanna hook up
2. I love you and would love to spend the rest of my life with you
3. What would it take to wake up next to that profile picture of yours.
4. You should let me have you.
5. Nice boobs.
6. The Lord has brought us together.
7. Wanna hook up?
8. Your hot.
9. I have 9 inches and a car.
10. Can I see your feet?

Try this instead:
Hi my name is...
1. I read your profile and I saw you like ... (this shows that you actually have interest and read what she had to say)

So that's it! Now to put a big shiny bow on this posting. I hoped some of this helped some of you. I wish you all nothing but the best weather you are in a relationship or out there trying to find the right certain someone for you. My youngest daughter got flowers and a bracelet from a boy in her school today and she is all a flutter. I hope you and I are able to feel exactly what she is feeling today... I'm off to the gun store and then to dig a hole should this little boy ever break her heart. Then go join Match.com.