What's in a Name

Names are a funny thing. I mean years, months, days or even hours before a baby is ousted from their home of 9 months and rifled from their mothers baby launcher into this world the parents or parent looks at this baby and assigns them a name much like the Social Security office assigns numbers to a child that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. This kid has barely taken it's first diaper monster and already the nurses are hounding the parents as to what name you want on the crib card.

There are virtually thousands of baby name books out there too. Just names! Rows and rows and pages full of names. I'm absolutely jealous of the guy collecting royalties from that piece of American literature.
Standing at a cocktail party and I turn to this well dressed guy and ask "So what kind of work do you do that made you a billionaire? Real estate, stock market, movie producer, business mogul?
Billionaire: I penned "The Big Book of Baby Names."
Me: Fuck you! You make how much every time a couple wants to think of a generic name for their little Throckmorton to be??!!"
Billionaire: Yup! My empire was based on baby names. So what is it you do for a living?
Me: I work my ass to the bone slinging drinks. Never mind I'm going to hang myself.

Some people will name a kid after a family member they love or even in the case of those crazy Christians someone from the Bible. No pressure there to live up to that person. Their entire life will be loosely compared to that name-sake. What if the kid turns out to be a dick? Then that name is ruined forever.

Others wait till the fresh baby is in it's mothers arms before they name it. This seems like cramming for a test at the 11th hour to me. Think about it. There the kid is and everyone keeps asking as they are gathered around the wiped out mother and still wet child. Asking "so what are you going to name it?" Suddenly you are on the clock and everyone is looking for an answer. You start looking around the room for answers as your sweating and thinking. "Tongue depressor? No but a great name to have in mind if he goes into porn. Cotton balls? No, and that is a horrible name unless he goes into gay porn. How about chair? No..."

Some parents have a name in mind then they look at the child and name them right there on the spot! How does this even work? "I was going to name him Jeff but I had one look at him and he was definitely a Tim." Sometimes this work and other times it comes back to bite the kid in the ass. The whole thing is completely unfair. The kid doesn't even have a say in this and people are going to call him/her by a name or it's derivative for the rest of their life. The kid hasn't even formed lasting facial features like a hook nose that sucks up their upper lip every time they inhale, a mono-brow, weird facial hair, a butt chin or even a cool scar.

No matter who you are or how long your name is people are always wanting to give you a nickname. A nickname seems a bit ridiculous to me. My parents named me Charles. I introduce myself all the time as Charles. The moment I do the question is usually asked "So what do you like to be called? Charley, Chuck, Chaz?" What the hell is wrong with Charles? I'm told all the time "Charles seems so formal." Like my name is trying to make them wear a sports coat in a fine restaurant. It's as though they are telling me "Nope I don't like that name! Here are a few suggestions. Try again." We all do it. My ex-wife was Alison although sometimes referred to her as "Soul Crusher." I also constantly called her Al. My Father is Larry. It's monosyllabic already for Christ sake and people call him Lar. How busy are we that we can't take another half second to spit out the extra "ry" to complete his real name. We won't even bother getting into the name Dick being a derivative of Richard" However I will say that it is among the more versatile of names with possible nick names of Dick, Rich, Rick, Ricky and Richey.

I have a pretty crazy last name it's Nedzbala. It hales from the Czech Republic and it means "one without caring" Not like I don't give a shit more like No worries in a whimsical way. Yes, my last name means "Hakuna matata" Pretty cool right?! Although it is bitch to spell over the phone especially and I never had enough empty blocks on standardized tests growing up to fit my entire last name. Not to mention every "basic bitch" who just loved The Lion King has a tattoo of it. I am still very proud of it.


I have to say although I like my first name of Charles my parents really screwed the proverbial Pooch on this one. And they are definitely not alone. Several parents have made this same mistake. My parents where flirting with the name Zeke so thank goodness I dodged that bullet. Guys with names like Zeke walks into high school with a small slit cut  in the waist band of their tighty whitey's. That way when the Bret's and Jake's of the world come to give them their daily atomic wedgie it tears away easier and doesn't do lasting damage to the taint.

The other day I met a guy at my motorcycle license class and he introduced himself as "Hawk." Of course I am sure just like every other asshole I had to ask "Is that your real name?" He then pulled out his license and there it was "Hawk!" Fucking "Hawk" right there in print! Holy crap there is a great name. Right away I thought why couldn't my parents have named me something cool like that? Thanks Larry and Hannah for completely blowing it! Now I don't hate my name but fucking Hawk! That's on a different level.

Already by age 2 with a name like Charles certain jobs where already eliminated from my future. You can't be a Spirit Guide, Rock Star or a Gladiator. Sure you can be one hell of a HR Representative, insurance agent or even in sales but your business travel will be comprised of staying at a Holiday Inn Express and you will definitely own more that 2 pairs of khaki pants. A guy with the name Hawk absolutely owns leather pants and can pull off a kilt to work. He can perform open heart surgery with a screw driver and you never know where the heck he is going and there will never be reservations in his name. Hawk is right up there with names like Magnus and Tiger. With those lames you are bound for greatness or to go down in a ball of flames. You don't ascend into heaven upon death. Satin asks if you want to put together a band and play his birthday party. Then after you can go pool hopping in heaven.


Think about it, Charles asks you to go hiking with him. Fuck that! He couldn't find his own butthole with both thumbs, a map, a compass and a flashlight.Now Hawk is going for a leisurely stroll through a haunted forest in a loin cloth with a baseball bat hoping to find Sasquatch. Hell yes count me in!

My point here is with the right name it gives you a great introduction. I haven't once ever gotten an eyebrow raise when I say my name. Generic names tend to invoke the same result every time. "Oh hi..." But the right name can make panties wet for a mile radius upon hearing it. If I ever get to my last name then I get a little reaction but that is even more of a confused look as though I just cursed their soul in my third world dialect. You tell people your name is Hawk and no nickname is forthcoming forget even having to get to a surname.

So my next question I had to ask was "why are you taking the motorcycle license class. I mean with a name like that I just figured he was born on the back of a Harley Davidson doing 90 miles per hour. His answer was as nirvana as his name. "I've been riding for about 10 years now but I never had a license. So I figured I should just make it all legal finally." God damn Hawk!

I just Googled images of  "Hawk" above is the first picture I got. Then I tried "Charles." Here are the first two that popped up as most popular. A serial killer and a Prince with a giant stick up his ass. Thanks Mom and Dad!

Cheers!