Hard of Hearing... Very Hard!

Maybe my Mother, teachers and everyone else has been right this entire time about me when they have said "Charles has select hearing." Anyone who knows me knows thinks I can't hear worth a lick. Not a bad trade off considering the other pitfalls that life has to offer. Seriously, I will have a great head of hair (if I ever let it grow out) however grey it may be, till the day I die. My eyesight will be 20/20 and with any luck old The General will be able to stand up and salute without little blue pills till I retire to the great dirt nap.
 With all that said my TV sound is always jacked up and I am constantly asking "what?"


This all in mind as I was going about my evening getting everyone drinks, making small talk and the musical guest playing at the top of his lungs in a packed bar. Under these circumstances most people, even those with great hearing may struggle to make out anything anyone said directly to them. So when I heard from clear on the other side of the bar about 30 yards from where I was standing this simple phrase I was overcome with a variety of emotion.


What is this phrase you may ask? "Blow job!" Like a shot this simple phrase rang out and hit my tympanic membrane as though it was guided by a laser. That's right, say it loud and say it proud! Immediately my head jerked to the right and I followed the sound. Like most other times I have heard this, when I got there it was gone...


So in order to relive this glorious moment and celebrate this phrase I give you a couple of shots that would surely get my attention!



Blow Job Shot 
1 part - Irish Cream
1 part – Amaretto
Top with whipped cream
uh uh uh! ... No hands when drinking this!

Slippery Nipple 

1 part - Butterscotch Schnapps
1 part - Irish Cream
1 very small or large dash of grenadine
Depending upon the size of nipple you prefer

Hot Screaming Orgasm 

1 part - Watermelon Schnapps 

1 part – Vodka 

Splash of lime Dash of Grenadine 

Top with Bacardi 151 and light on fire 

Wet Pussy 

1 Part - Melon Liqueur 

1 Part - Sour Mix 

1 Part - Citron Vodka 

Splash of Sprite 

Cheers! 

National Margarita Day??!!!

Are you freakin' serious?! Did I seriously miss National Margarita Day?? Even better is there really such a day? If there is a God or a Heaven any or all of the answers to those questions would be a resounding YES!

I long time ago in a land far far away while I was in the Army I had the good fortune of being stationed at Fort Sam-Houston in San Antonio, Texas. Even better was my schedule there was a loose one with most weekends and weeknights left to my own devises. A short taxi ride and a $15 fake ID made at a the tattoo parlor across the street from the Alamo later... I never did see anymore than the outside of that national landmark.

Well needless to say 85% of my free time was roaming the clubs along the famous River Walk. For those of you who do not know what the River walk is, it is in the heart of San Antonio, TX approximately a 5 mile stretch of walkways along the San Antonio River. This walk way is lined with shops, bars, hotels, bars, restaurants, bars, a mall, bars, art museum, bars and more bars! What did they serve the most of in these bars? Tequila which I believe is Spanish for "water." as the two liquids seem to flow just as plentiful.

One of my favorite spots was the River Rat Cafe. A hole in the wall type of bar but popular enough to be a key stop along your River Walk Journey. The River Rat was widely know for its wonderful assortment of what else? MARGARITAS!!! One of which the size of a grown mans head. Blue ones, purple one, pink ones and more!!! Oh how I love a great Margarita! Viva La San Antonio!

As if the River Walk was not enough, San Antonio is best known for it's many festivals. Fiesta San Antonio, Los Amanas, Saint Mary's Clam Bake and Cinco De Mayo where just a few of the festivals I gladly took part in. All of which the headlining drink was the Margarita!

I think you get my point by now. I have had a long standing love affair with this Tequila delight. And even though it has been know to cause a few bad decisions and loosing of my pants at most inopportune times. I forgive the wonderful elixir and order another margarita with pleasure.

So here are a few good Margarita recipes for you all to enjoy from the basic to the not so basic. And by all means have a happy and safe Margarita Day!

Proper Basic Margarita
In a Margarita Glass filled with ice
3 Parts - Tequila
2 Parts - Cointreau or Triple Sec
1 Part - Lime juice
Rim glass with salt and garnish with a lime


The American Margarita
In a Margarita Glass filled with ice2 Parts - Tequila
1 Parts - Cointreau or Triple Sec
1 Part - Lime juice
1 Part - Sour Mix
Rim glass with salt and garnish with a lime

Creamsicle Margarita
1.5 oz. - Vanilla infused Tequila
2 oz. - OJ
1oz. - Triple Sec
1 scoop Vanilla Ice Cream
Blend till smooth
Garnish with a Orange wedge

Key West Margarita
1.5 oz - Tequila
1 oz. Melon Liqueur
1 Tbsp. - Coconut cream
.5 oz. - Sour Mix
.5 oz. - OJ
Dash of Grenadine
Shake with ice and pour
Garnish with a lime

Ginger Peach Margarita
In a Margarita Glass filled with ice2 oz. - Tequila
1 oz. - Peach Tree
1 oz. - Peach Nectar
.5 oz. - Sour Mix
1 oz. - Ginger Simple Syrup
Shake with ice and pour
Garnish with a peach slice
Top with Ginger Ale

Watermelon Margarita
Muddle 4 cubes of Watermelon with 2 slices of lime
In a Tall glass rimmed with watermelon sugar with ice
2 oz. - Tequila
1 oz. - watermelon liqueur
1 oz. - Sour Mix
Garnish with a Watermelon wedge

Cheers!

Presidential Cocktails

This week marked Presidents day the day set aside for us as Americans to give thanks and praise to the leader of the greatest country in the free world. As if the 24/7 security for the rest of their life, the great big house rent free, big salary, paid vacations, sweet pension plan, the admiration of millions of citizens (and some non-citizens) that voted them into the highest office in the land and all the accoutrements that come along with the position are not enough. We must all take a day off work and deal with the banks and every other business being closed for a day of celebrating our beloved presidents past and present.


I have decided my homage to the POTUS will be to chronicle some of the favorite libations of these great leaders of course in my own way and very own commentary so enjoy!


We start with this walk through history with our founding father himself George Washington. George like many of the men at this time where all about the amber ales of the period. Now what many are not aware of is that Washington's favorite beverage was Warm Chocolate Cream. This is much like the hot chocolate we have today however George use to add a whiskey or wine/ mead to the blend to make it pack the Presidential punch he needed after a long day of forming the nation we have today and posing for the picture on the dollar and quarter. George enjoyed this drink so much he would order 50 pounds of Chocolate at a time. This beverage was made by grating a small amount of chocolate into boiling water, milk and water, or wine and water, and later adding sugar. Special ceramic forms were used to serve this beverage. A covered, two-handled chocolate or caudle cup, is exhibited in the museum at Mount Vernon.


We skip ahead to Abraham Lincoln. Who was known to be eternally on the wagon. After some bad run ins with Kentucky moonshine as a boy. His father was a seasonal distillery hand. Knob Creek bourbon, was named after the site of that distillery. As a young man in Illinois, Lincoln had a state license to sell liquor, and he operated several taverns. As a politician during the period when anti-alcohol forces were gaining strength, Lincoln often straddled the fence on that issue. Abraham decided to hang up his liver for the most part and also one of the reasons he earned the name "honest Abe." How the lack of alcohol and being honest are correlated I am uncertain. I have always known people to be at their most honest when just the opposite was the case. Although when Abe said he did not imbibe he was not being thoroughly honest. The truth was that our 16th president still had a taste for good Kentucky bourbon served just like his words, straight up.

Here are a few others without quite the historical background...
Franklin Roosevelt: Scotch or Brandy

Herbert Hoover: Gin Martini with 2 olives. Not only did the buck stop there but so did the vermouth as he would take his extra dry.

Harry Truman: Bourbon
Lyndon Johnson: Scotch and Soda

Gerald Ford: Gin and Tonic - Are we really surprised with the way this guy would constantly fall off Air Force 1 that he would be downing a few of these while in the air? Lest we forget Betty Ford...

Richard Nixon: Known as a raging alcoholic especially during his final years in office was a rum and coke or dry martini guy. But really it was just about anything he could get his hands on. Just short of running anti-freeze through wonder bread.


John F. Kennedy: Although Fidel Castro and JFK didn't see eye to eye on much what they did have in common was the Cuban born Rum Daiquiri. The Kennedy Cocktail hour could be it's own blog post all in of itself.

Bill Clinton: Slick Willey's drink was the Snake Bite, equal amounts of Stout and Hard Apple Cider. You can only imagine why. Judging by his taste in women. One must think Bill is no stranger to beer goggles.


George W. Bush: Claims to have only drank a little bit during his youth while doing blow off ivy league co-eds backs but then again who hasn't done that? Now only has a half glass of wine on special occasions with dinner. I don't know about you but sounds like a recovering alcoholic to me. With some of his economic policies a fall off the wagon would sure explain a lot for me. Not to mention the time he was "Dude! wouldn't it be cool if I could go up in a Navy fighter and reenact the "Top Gun" scene where he walks along the flight deck of a carrier?!"


Finally Barack Obama will end this post. Barack is a beer guy. As we saw by his way of bringing people together in his first year of presidency when he brought black and white together for the "beer summit." Obama's Flavor palate ranges from light to stout with his favorite being right in the middle with a fine lager.


So this week raise your glass and have a toast and get a great deal on a Toyota as all the dealerships in the free world will have flyers with our founding fathers draped across them with no money down. God Bless America and Thank him for the booze too!

Cheers!

Go Get Lucky!

Enough said... Seriously I hope all you lovers get exactly what you want from that special someone or someone's if you are up to it and like to aim a bit higher. Tonight is the big night so ladies slip into that little get up in the very back of your underwear drawer and pray you washed it before hiding it from the last go round, and maybe those fuzzy hand cuffs too. Guys go to the corner store and stock up on the boner pills and Gator-Aid. Here is one more little liquid helper for the evenings adventures. This one is quick and easy to make because you don't have all night to be mixing cocktails. Don't forget to stretch and then lights, camera, action!


Fuzzy Love
2 oz. - Vodka
1 oz. - Peach Schnapps
Splash of grenadine
Top with Sprite
Serve in a pint glass over ice.
(Reuse the ice to circle her belly button and what-not!)
Garnish with a strawberry

Happy Valentine's Day

Cheers!

More Love and Romance Coming Your Way!

So it is love that you want this February 14th? Then it is love you will get! Or at least a little drunken ride to 3rd base... So what if you have to get her a little liquored up to have her think you're handsome. Women wear girdles for men to think they are skinny, dye in their hair to have us think they are really blondes, makeup to have us think they are naturally beautiful, heels to make them taller and push up bras to make us believe they are packing a lot more sweater meat that is really the case. Then if none of that applies to that special apple of your eye then put her on a scale while reading her drivers license. I guarantee that the two weights don't match up.


The moral of this all is that a little booze to help her see you for just how special you really are is not outside the rules. With Valentines day looming here is another great little "Charles The Bartender" special concoction for all you young lovers to enjoy.

Hearts on Fire Martini
2 oz. - Cachaça

2 oz. - Guava juice
Squeeze of fresh lime
Splash of cointreau

Splash grenadine

Shake over ice and strainGarnish with a Bacardi 151 soaked cherry
skewered and set on fire!

Cheers!

Leading up to Valentines Day

Gentlemen start your wallets and pray your libido gets to run wild. What is the meaning of this you ask? Valentine's Day of course the holiday presented by the Pagans, twisted by the Catholic church and perfected by Hallmark and 1-800-Flowers everywhere.


Long story short Father Valentine was a priest around 207 A.D. in Rome. Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families at home, so he outlawed marriage for all young men. Father Valentine, being the romantic that he was saw this as a a terrible injustice. Then decided it was in the best interest to defied Claudius and continue to perform marriages for young lovers in a secret ceremony. Valentine was soon discovered for his actions, and Claudius ordered that he be put to death by being split publicly from "tip to taint." Then his still beating heart skewered with an arrow and displayed for the entire town to see. I know, touching right?


The Christians soon after declared Valentine a martyr. The Pagans began to celebrate Lupercalia, which was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture. The priests would sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification. They would then strip the goat's hide into strips, dip them into the sacrificial blood and take to the streets, gently slapping both women and crop fields with the goat hide. Roman women welcomed the touch of the hides, like the greatest new fragrance by Brittney Spears or book by Nicholas Sparks because it was believed to make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city's bachelors would each choose a name and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. I don't know about you but this sounds a lot like a 1970's "key party." These matches often ended in marriage.


The Christians said "neh, neh!" and tried to Christianize the holiday much like they are currently trying to do through Tim Tebow and football. In turn calling this time The Festival of St. Valentine. Yada, yada, yada... Budda bing, budda bang, budda boom, several years later February 14th in France and England during the Middle Ages was marked as the beginning of the birds mating season and this day should be marked for romance. Thus the saying "Love is in the air."


The oldest known Valentine's Day note was from Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture during battle. King Henry V hired a writer to compose a valentine note to Catherine of Valois. Valentine's Day really became popular in the 17th century 1840s, Esther A. Howland began selling the first mass-produced valentines in America. Howland, known as the “Mother of the Valentine,” made elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures.


Today Hallmark and many other companies out there survive mainly due to this holiday. Florists, jewelers and chocolate makers all over the world salivate come January 31st just waiting for all you poor schlubbs to come running to them for the perfect words to sign there names next to in a card or tell them what shiny object will send that special someone to get all tarted up and spun into shear clothing tearing ecstasy. So you can do all the weird stuff in a bed you sprinkled with rose peddles, and sprayed with Drakkar Noir, that you might not get away with had you not shown up with a box of chocolates and a huge teddy bear. Ahhhhh love... ain't it just grand?


Well in honor of Valentines Day everywhere I will do a few days of the perfect cocktail to lube the wheels of love. So get the satin sheets on the bed, get the fireplace started and cue the Luther Vandross music because I'm getting romantic on you all weather you like it or not!


Pink Chocolate Martini
1 oz. - Vanilla Vodka
1 oz. - Creme de Cacao
1 oz. - Amaretto
1 oz. - Godiva White Chocolate liqueur
Splash of Grenadine
Splash of half and half
Shake over ice and strain
Drizzle glass lightly with Strawberry Syrup
Garnish with a Hershey Kiss in the bottom of the glass
and a skewered cherry

Cheers!

Tennessee Peaches

Saturday night marked a friend of mines birthday and seeing as I am just a broke old bartender I decided the best thing to give her much like a child makes a homemade card would be a cocktail made from the heart of the finest hooch that just a few sheckles could buy. I am speaking about Jack Daniels of course. No that is not whom birthday it was but, that was the key component and personal favorite of my friend to this drink of the night. Combine that with a bit of the Steve Miller Band singing "really like your peaches. Want to shake your tree." (I think that line is a euphemism but I am really not sure.) I know what your thinking, and yes that was a long way to go to use a Steve Miller Band line in a blog post. Well wallah, there you have it the Tennessee Peach.


* A funny side note about Jack Daniels: Made in Lynchburg, Tennessee this spirit is not allowed to be consumed in the very place it is distilled. You see Lynchburg is part of a dry county where it is illegal to buy and sell the very product that this small town is now famous for.


So after some careful consideration and some trial and error mixing I came away with the Tennessee Peach. Next time you find yourself out on the front porch during the next heat wave, and as crazy as the weather has been here in Maine that could be anytime here in February. Well just pour yourself one of these in a tall pint glass, kick back in your rocker and watch the sun set on another great year of life.


Charles the Bartender's
Lynchburg Lemonade
In a Pint glass filled with ice
2 oz. - Jack Daniels
1 oz. - Lemoncello (clear)
Splash of fresh lemon juice
Fill with sour mix
Top with Sprite
Rim glass in lemon sugar
Garnish with a Lemon Wheel



*Also next time you find yourself grilling a nice juicy steak throw on a couple of peaches halved and pitted, then drizzle with honey and let them sizzle.



Tennessee Peach
In a Pint glass filled with ice
2 oz. - Jack Daniels
1 oz. - Peach Schnapps
1 oz. - Sour Mix
Fill with Peach Nectar

Yup, Some lonely schmuck made a woman completely out of peaches.

Cheers!

Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs!

A question for the Ladies: Why the glitter on the breasts? I mean we are already looking there anyway. Trust me we don't need you to make them look like a fishing lure. You know the only reason that a bass boat has a shiny bottom, is to attract fish and the men who buy them.


The other day I was in the coffee shop and the girl behind the counter had her chest pierced. Her CHEST!!! I mean seriously in your never ending struggle of being taken seriously and "Ahem my eyes are up here!" She and others go and get a piercing right there in the center! I had to tell her and I quote, "You realize now you can never tell anyone to look you in the eyes unless you're wearing a turtle neck." After that I have no idea what she said back because I was too busy staring at her breasts. I'm already that kid with high def ADD I have ADHD! trust me a shiny object like that could make my head spin for hours.



One more thing while I think of it. Enough with the sweatpants with words like "sexy," "juicy" and "pink" written across the ass. I damn near ran into a tree the other day while driving and trying to read. Seriously that combines two of my favorite things. I love a great ass and I like to read. Win-win! And girls who are wayyyyyyy too young are wearing these things. If your teenage daughter is walking around wearing "Sexy" across there ass the parents should be tracked down and tossed in jail for aiding a soon to be sex offender. The only things that should be written across your ass should be helpful need to know information like "under 18!" "exit only" or in some cases "flammable gas!" Also how about a little truth in advertising here. If you are a 65 year old grandmother of 8 chances are you are not "juicy."


Let's be honest we as men are just not that bright. Ladies you have all the brains. Like that old joke about the miracle baby in California. He was born with both a penis and a brain. Please ladies we don't need any help being complete perverts it's already built right into our biological software. So next time you are about to break out the stripper dust glitter and sprinkle your boobs think again unless you brought a towel with Windex to wipe the pole down before you start your shift.

Cheers!