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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Just a Little Rant... About the Bible.

I really do wish that my cell phone had a record feature I could use to record conversations mostly in part because I forget more than half of the crap I say and some of it is actually good stuff. That was exactly the case this morning when I was talking about the Bible. Yes I chose the good book as the focus for my rant. I realize that I was already in great need to repent for so many sins and now with this particular post I am more than likely placing myself in more hot water or the express lane to hell, but I had a 5 Hour Energy and a coffee chaser and away I went. I am going to try and recreate this rant because I thought it was funny and that is all that matters. If you don't think it is funny then go get your own damn blog and make yourself laugh. Now I am going to warn you this is going to take a few twists and turns so just hang on in there and enjoy the ride.

I was reading the bible the other day which is completely out of character for me as I was raised catholic and we read the church bulletin and read stories from Gospel. I would say there is fewer than 10% of Catholics have ever even cracked a Bible. The last time I did prior to this time was as a joke I stole one from the hotel room I was in (sorry Holiday Inn) to give as a signed copy to a friend as a joke. "Best wishes - signed: J. Christ P.S. - Dude knock it off already I can see you even if you are under a blanket and it could make you go blind." The theft of the Bible is just small blip in my hotel theft career, does anyone ever really buy towels anymore? I digress. So there I was reading the Bible because 1) there was nothing good to read and had a bit of free time and 2) I already read the shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste containers. Well I learned something! Did you know Jesus had a younger brother? His name was James. OK can you immense pressure on this kid? I mean let's face it there is already a bit of pressure to live up to your older sibling unless they are a complete mess but this kid had to live up to Jesus! I can picture the two of them taking a hike through the woods together James following his brother close-by because that is what younger brothers do and they encounter a lake. Jesus walks right across without even thinking. James, damn near drowns! Then later in life James is at a high school party without Jesus and the party runs out of booze. Everyone turns to James and asks if he is just going to stand there in his sandals and not change some water over into wine like his brother.

My next issues deal with the story of Lazarus. It is clearly outlined that heaven is suppose to be a utopia. A great destination which brings up a side question. Why if it is such a great place is it a gated community? Is it like a beautiful suburb of Detroit? Or like the Golden Gate Bridge is to San Fransisco and Oakland? Moving on. Lazarus was a good man and upon his death slated to go to Heaven this great place a wonderful prize for living a clean life. Along comes Jesus and raises Lazarus from the dead. Now it is said to prove his powers but the Bible also clearly states we must all have faith. So was J.C just having a day and wanted to be a dick to Lazarus? What the hell did Lazarus ever do to Jesus to have him yank him from this beautiful reward?

This falls under absolute logic. Follow me here a moment. Absolute logic is if the first statement is true and the second statement is true the next statement must also be correct.
Example: God is love. (true) Love is blind (true) Therefore err-go Stevie Wonder must be God!

Then there is the way the Bible makes it abundantly clear that we as humans are not to alter the human body in any way shape or form. Tattoos are not allowed, piercings are also frowned upon thus making all tattoo artists Satan incarnate I am guessing? What does this make the surgeons of this world?

You see my major problem here is that the Bible itself was not just written as a collaboration. But it was written by men and not women. Think about this for a moment. Never-mind the classic fish tale as the fish keeps getting bigger with every rendition of the story. Ask any man how tall he is and he will always tell you 1 - 3 inches taller than reality. My Australian friend Bruce use to refer to this as the "American Metric System." A Basketball player would get on the plane to play in the Australian Basketball League at 6'10" exit the plane at 6'6". Ask any woman how much she weighs it will be inevitably be at the very least 10 lbs. less than the actual weight. This leads me to believe that a D.M.V. employee is the most lied to individual on this planet. You see if the Bible were to be written by a group of men and women I can tell you the word according to John, Mark and Corinthians would definitely be contradicted more than once by the Bible according to Janet, Michelle and Divas.

Men and women provide each other with a set of checks and balances. Thus the reason all men have a single friend who thinks he is the nipples of the strip of bacon and has not seen the inside of a vagina in decades. That guy just ain't right in the head because he grew up with a mom that told him through high school he was special and all the other boys and girls are jealous of his good looks and that is why he has so few friends. The same guy that makes air pistols in the mirror and winks at himself just before he leaves the room to go out to the bar. Matt Rounds if you are reading this I am talking about you.

If women had a voice in this the stories would have been so much more detailed and less left to the imagination. Case in point listen to any group of guys talking about a night they got lucky and had a one night stand and then the same story out of a woman trying not to sound like a whore and still telling the story.
Guy: "We went out to the bar the other night and I met this hot blond with a huge rack. We had a few drinks and she was wasted. She said we could go back to her place and a slap and tickle later a good night was had by all."

Girl: "So last night I had a wicked bad day at work. Nicole from accounting was a wicked bitch when she... (fast forward.) I got Sheila and Deana to go out to the club. We pre-gamed at my house while I painted my toes to match my fingers because I was going to wear peep-toe heels. You know the supper cute ones with the pink bows on the back. Deana wore the ... (fast forward.) We got to the bar and I was already a little buzzed and I only had a grape and pita bread for lunch and my first drink was a margarita... (fast forward.) I met this guy his name was Dan and he is from Springfield... (fast forward.) He grew up in... (fast forward) His mom's name is the same as my grandmother... (fast forward.)" I already have carpel tunnel and I haven't even gotten to the part where she talks about how his cock curves to the right and how he knew how to kiss that spot behind her ear that made her change her mind not to have sex that night because she wasn't wearing one of her "sex panties" that night.

Where is the woman's perspective? So many more details are needed! So fewer questions and much less interpretation left to idiots like me! Who knows what really happened, Maybe Mel Gibson knows (Passion of the Christ?) Jim Baker claims to know but seriously you expect me to listen to that slow talking donkey?

Lastly does wearing a crucifix pendant or tattoo help save your soul at all? Half the people I have encountered that have them are some of the worst offenders. So here's to hoping it works! Or is it just a horrible reminder of what happened in the past. Sort of like meeting Abraham Lincoln wearing a pistol pendant. OK seriously my wrist hurts and I haven't shaken a single martini. So go to the bar and feel free to discuss this among yourselves. I must now go take a shower and say a boat load of Hail Mary's in hopes to save a small portion of my soul before I go to sleep or even better that I wake up tomorrow.


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