She and I both have blood on our hands. Again I know I'm suppose to be celebrating this day, but to me it's tragic. Make matters worse I had to be in my office all day and couldn't break free to be there in person. A sign of the times it was done with me in the courtroom by phone. My divorce proceeding was the equivalent of a business conference call. No one on her end had even a note of sadness in their voice. Her lawyer called at one point addressed me as "My friend." I made certain to correct him on that point. "I am not your friend. Feel free to address me by my proper name. If you were my friend you wouldn't be on the side labeled Complainant. All my friends are on the side of Defendant or both." So here I sit in my office wondering what comes next. with 3 days till Valentines day is there such a thing as true love? I find it hard to look my parents married 41 years and Grandparents 80 some odd years and in the eye and tell them I believe in forever.
She and I use to say words like "always" and forever as if Luther Vandross himself where in the room. Countless nights planning years for when we would be old and grey and how it will be so fun watching our little ones grow up together. I remember when we use to have a big fight like all newlyweds do in the first couple years and I would try to go sleep in a small chair we had in our apartment. Her unwillingness to sleep alone and stubborn nature to see the fight through and go to bed with understanding is something I respected. As she came down from the bedroom and sat on top of me till we talked it out. Years of hard work and coming to understandings gone...
So here they are the 5 Stages of Loss and Grief
1. Denial and Isolation - That feeling is one of numbness and disbelief. How can this be happening, the one person that swore it would be forever. And that feeling. Oh that cold feeling of knowing you're alone. The room could be 108 degrees and still there would be a chill in the air. Isolation is just realizing that the only one I have to rely on now is me. Time for a glass of bourbon.
2. Anger - I'm not that angry of a man in general. However I am imagining this stage involves A LOT of curse words and lots of bourbon among other shots. Might be a good idea to let a few good friends (not her jackass lawyer) know they should have their phone and bail money on standby. Every fiber of my being wants to shout expletives in her general direction. I feel a bit like the late comedian Sam Kinneson just screaming into the wind.
3. Bargaining - I have been here already. Even to pretty much the bitter end the thoughts of failure covering me like a blanket. I was still asking her to come back to the bargaining table. To do the counseling and to just sit and figure it out. That was a lost cause in retrospect. She was already gone. Now bargaining sounds more like "if I throw a stick will you go away?" Time for another bourbon.
Time to hike up the Huggies and drive on... And get a fresh bottle of bourbon. My future is about to get interesting.