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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Just Do It!

Yesterday was Wednesday better known as "Hump Day." The significance of course being he middle or "hump" in the traditional 5 day work week. However to myself and other like minded friends the word "hump" brings out a similar response to the word "duty." Sophomoric chuckles for all in ear shot. For those of you that live under a rock I submit below the definition of the word "hump."

Webster's Dictionary
Hump: Slang: Vulgar. 1. an act or instance of coitus. (sexual intercourse)

Urban Dictionary (I like this one far better)
Hump: (verb) for a man or woman to sit on his/her back and move up and down, hard and fast
Girl: If I sit down here will you hump me?
Boy: Yeah!
The girl lays on the table on the guy gets on top of her and stabs his penis into the girl's vagina and her moves up and down on her hard and fast. "OOH! AAH!" She moans, "Faster! Faster!"

I'm sure you get the picture by now on the double entendre at hand. So my point of view was that everyone should get to "hump" on this apply named day. That's right I say just because it's Wednesday it's time to get those heels to the sky ladies! Yes I know real ground breaking stuff here. However I look at it this way, a group of scientists graduate from Harvard or Yale every year. Some spend their life finding cures for cancer or the common cold. Others go on to create a better boner pill.

Anywho... This entire MENSA meeting came to a screeching halt when a friend of mine mentioned she wouldn't be breaking off her significant other and father to her children a little something, something because in her words "it was complicated." In other words there is a rift in the household and she had her panties in a twist guaranteed over something stupid he did. This situation plays itself out all over the world and more times than we all care to admit. So here is my message I gave to her and I am now going to drop this pearl of wisdom to all of you. Feel free to get out your pen and paper now you might want to write this one down.

Nothing ever gets accomplished by doing nothing. No one is ever satisfied and although sex is not the only thing it is a HUGE thing! Alright allow me to break this down. The divorce rate in America is right around 50%. That means half of everyone that swears before

God and family that they will Love, honor and cherish is sickness and in health. For rich or for poor till death do they part, is full of shit! Next time you go to a wedding take it worth a grain of salt. There is a high probability that the people standing before you are completely lying to you! Just think about it this way. The whole ceremony starts off with a lie when the bride walks down the isle in a white gown to signify virginity. When we all know damn well those two met while dry humping on a dance floor and went somewhere that same night and had drunken sweaty awkward sex. Even my own second marriage was a complete sham when my wife to be came out 8 months pregnant in a white dress. SERIOUSLY! This doesn't mean there is an absence of love just the simple fact is that 50% of those couples aren't doing what it takes to live up to those vows. Fights are going to happen, anger will come and go but what is being done in the interim to make certain that the animosity doesn't grow? Here now is the solution to this growing problem...

FUCK!!! Yup it's that simple! Have sex, knock boots, have a roll in the hey, make whoopee, do the nasty, the horizontal hokie-pokie, bang, screw, have gland to gland combat, batter dip the corn dog, take the skin boat to tuna town... Whatever you want to call it for Christ sake if you are in a relationship and want to keep being in that relationship HAVE SEX!!! Not just on Wednesday but every chance you can! Keep it fun, exciting and fresh. Ladies toss on the lacy mu-mu and take that boy to pound town. Guys, trim the hedges, take a damn shower and spritz on some foo-foo juice. Why aren't you fucking yet?!

Next time you are angry, pissed off, frustrated or whatever else in your relationship is keeping from having a smile on your faces call a time out. Just step away from it and go fuck! Try being angry when you just had a mind blowing orgasm. Sort of the same way you can't stay mad when on a trampoline. Not sure this would ever work? Ask your grandparents. You know the ones that came from families of 5, 10 or even more. Their parents stayed together for 70 years. Why? They fucked a lot! Take a look at the Latino population. Mom and Dad don't always see eye to eye when it comes to all those kids but you can bet Momma is singing "Ay Papi!" Then order is restored. Momma walks with a limp and Papi goes and takes a nap and all the anger is gone. Now just fix the problem.

Make no mistake better than most life isn't all farting roses and pooping rainbows. There will be tough times and for those times I say get real dirty! I'm talking the sort of bang session where you can't ever look each other in the eye for the rest of the day. Spitting, talking dirty, rooting around making animal noises, good God who is this nasty ho, sort of sex!

Just the other day I was in a department store and I overheard a little girl in the shoe department ask her mother while looking at some sky high heels "Mommy do you wear high heels?" The brutal honesty of the answer was the saddest thing my ears have ever heard and so telling too. "I use to but not anymore." Bet you dollars to doughnuts her underwear was cotton with holes in it too. She wasn't a bad looking woman either, but she had a couple of kids and obviously has gotten comfortable. As she walked around in her big comfortable clogs all I could think is what does the husband look like? I turned to see the husband, also a good looking guy but a look of "I live in hell" all over his face. She isn't trying anymore physically and he isn't in it mentally. Imagine the look if she picked up some lingerie and fuck me pumps while in that store and he looked at her and told her just how insanely beautiful she was and then the just fucked! I can tell you that they would both be sporting different looks on their faces.

Sit down and with a list of all the things you both like make a sex calendar. Here are a few ideas:

Monday - A.M. - Morning wake up sex! Poke her in the back with that... yeah they love that!) Guess who's up?!!

P.M.- Surprise her with flowers and tell her your name is now Juan Carlos the Latin lover. (Use a Spanish accent) then bam! Missionary pinned to the wall, lift her skirt and have at it.

Tuesday - Quickie between work and dinner. A whole day of work with no end to the week in sight makes me a horny bugger.

Wednesday - HUMP DAY!!! Afternoon delight! Rush home or even better find a quiet spot and do it in the car during your lunch break.

Thursday - Slow and steady. Make this one last because the weekend is coming and it will fly by.

Friday - Tell the kids to get in the car and you will be right out. When they are all outside have a quickie in the bathroom.

Saturday - Break out the kinky stuff. Call each other by someone else's name on purpose and see how long you can hang on. Take a try at her booty. Tell him you always wanted a 3-some with his best friend while he ties you up to the ceiling fan. Buy and remote control vibrator and go food shopping in the afternoon! Make this a undercover freak day. Be wild and do it like it's your first time.

SundayFor God sake take a break. Break open a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch while you rub her butt. Even the good Lord above according to the Bible rested on the 7th day. Besides you don't want chaffing there is a whole new week headed your way.

Did you know that Islam has forbidden sexual intercourse during menstruation? The Qur’an says: “They ask you about menstruation. Say: Menstruation is a discomfort (for women). Do not establish sexual relations with them during the menses and do not approach them (sexually) until the blood stops. Then when they have cleansed themselves, you go into them as Allah has commanded you.” (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:222)
Now watch the news and see how many of them are pissed off and blowing themselves up... On the other hand here in America, Comedian Ron White says "Just cause the roller coaster is broke doesn't mean they shut down the whole amusement park! If they did people would still be looking over the fence saying "Hey the log ride is still working just fine!"

So that is my message to all of you. Stop holding out, drop all the anger for just a little bit everyday because no one will be satisfied. Fuck and all will be OK! Now what are you waiting for? Go FUCK!!

Here are a few more euphemisms for having sex. Enjoy!
belly to belly
bouncing the pogo stick
bump and grind
bump fuzzies
bump uglies
bury the bone
bury the one-eyed worm
bush patrol
butter the muffin
check the oil
churn butter
clam dip
clean the carpet
dance in the sheets
do the deed
dip the wick
dip your pen in the ink
do it
do the dirty
exchange bodily fluid
feed the kitty
fill the cream donut
fit her clap flap
fix her plumbing
flop the hay
four legged frolic
frolic in the cornfield
funky chicken, the
get a home run
get busy
get into one’s pants
get it on
get laid
get rocks off
get your nuts cracked
give her a high hard one
give her a pat
glaze the donut
go fishing
hanky panky
hide the hot dog
hit it
hobble the horsey
hop upon the wild pony
horizontal hustle
horizontal mambo
hot beef injection
hot dog in a jungle
the old in and out
juice someone
jump one’s bones
knock boots
knock mops
lay piping
lie feet up
lust and thrust
make babies
make it
make love
make some friction
mattress dance
mattress mambo
mingle limbs
mommy-daddy dance
naked dance
watch the submarine races
park the Plymouth into the garage of love
parting the pink sea
party for two
pass the gravy
piece of ass
plant your seed
play doctor
play on the hair court
play pickle me/ tickle me
plug and play
plug the hole
poke in the whiskers
pop the cork
probe the membrane
put sour cream on the taco
put the snake in the cave
ride the baloney pony
ride the hobby horse
ride the wild bull
roll in the hay
ring her bell
rumple the foreskin
scratch your itch
service the clam
sink it in
sink the sub
skin the cat
slap bellies
slime the banana
smash pissers
sow wild oats
spank the cat
spear the bearded clam
stab the trout
storm the trenches
stuff the beaver
stuff the taco
sweep the chimney
take “old one-eye” to the optomotrist
the hole smash
thread the needle
throw a log on the fire
tickle her belly from the inside
two-person pushups
vulcanize the whoopee stick
walk the dog
wet the wick
do the wild thing

Friday, October 3, 2014

Before it's too Late

There are people in our life that come and go. Some are meant to be here for the just a short stay and others the long haul. There will be those that will enrich your life just as there will be a fair share of detractors. Our lives are filled with people we meet everyday and it is our personal decision weather to invest our time and energy into that relationship or not. Then there are a special few that take it upon themselves to make that choice for us. Those personalities we surround ourselves with shape who we are and effect our daily lives. We are all products of our environment and the company we keep to some extent.

Two weeks ago we lost a good man and I lost a friend that was meant to be one for life. He was also among those that never gave me the opportunity to decide weather he was going to be a friend or not. He just always was. His name was Charles Benjamin Dellea commonly and lovingly called "Charlie - Ben" by many friends and family. He along with his FiancĂ© Jennifer Butler are the type of people that would give you their left arm and ask if you where certain you didn't need their right one as well and that they could do without it. Charles and Jenn where people you are fortunate to surround yourself with if given the opportunity. They didn't have much however whatever they did have was always open to be given away to anyone less fortunate. It was this personality that made his infectious smile all that more loveable because it was always real. In the short time I  knew Charlie-Ben I absorbed a great deal of who he was and took special note of the way he treated those around him. After his sudden death, Jennifer and I spoke about how much his personality was like a puppy. He just wanted to be loved. I swear to this day Jenn had to roll up a newspaper and swat him on the nose for some reason or another. Charlie-Ben always came back with that big old smile. He had this uncanny ability to forgive anyone in a moments notice and just move on as though nothing ever happened. He would curse someone out under his breath for crossing him and then laugh about the issue while recounting it with that same person not even an hour later. Charlie-Ben was just 34 years old when he lost his life while doing something he loved (white water rafting) with the woman that was his rock and he loved so much. Even while experiencing the early warning signs of his impending heart attack he was jovial about the trip. He ignored all the signs just trying to stretch his chest out while trying to get Jennifer pumped up about taking on a challenging river. He was bouncing around nudging her with that big old smile of his saying "are you ready? Ready Jenny?!" Jenn I can only imagine returned his barbs with a roll of her eyes and deep laugh.

His passing got me thinking as most deaths will about not only the fragility of life but also the quality and way it was lived. How will I be remembered? I have always said I want my family and those close to me to be able to say "He kept every promise he ever made." I think that is a great way to be remembered. I also don't want people to be so sad for my passing when that day comes as I want what Charlie-Ben wanted, for people to celebrate and remember his life like he did with a smile. I hope everyone has some great belly laughs at my expense! Remember me how I lived not how I will die. My only real hope is that my final words on this earth aren't "oh shit!" At his memorial service we were all encouraged to talk and share stories about him. I loved this idea! I also LOVE a good story or two as you have seen here. However wouldn't you like to hear what people would say about you or others prior to their death. Wouldn't it be great if we didn't wait till it was too late to tell that story or fond memory?

It is just that idea that I am going to ask you all to do with me. Allow me to explain. I don't know about you but I use Facebook quite a bit. If you are like me, then you don't know everyone in your friends list the same way. Many of you I am thankful to call acquaintances and I am looking forward to getting to know you all just a little bit however you are either friends of friends, people I have met from behind the bar or have come to follow me after seeing this website and for that I thank you. My point being unfortunately for me I don't have a story to tell about you all. Although someone undoubtedly does. There is also a special spot in Facebook to place all the people who you do know better than others in the "Close Friends section."

Unless you live under a rock then you probably saw the "ALS Ice Bucket Challenge." This was a amazing campaign that raised a ton of awareness and money for the deadly disease. In each video of the challenge we had to challenge up to 5 others calling them out on the social media site to do the same or donate to the cause. We saw everyone from friends and family to the likes of Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, and even the founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerburg along with many other big names take part.  Well I am not asking you to donate money however I am asking you to donate time, not long but just a stitch to share a story and raise awareness about another human being. Besides who doesn't love a good story, right?

+++ So here is how this will work. Every couple of days pick someone in no certain order that you know well enough to tell a story about. Make sure the story is one that you could tell before family and friends. The point here is not to embarrass or belittle. The entire point is to tell a good story about this person that everyone might want to hear. It can be just about anything how you met, something funny that happened or something you did together. If you can think about being at this persons funeral (I know a little morbid) and saying "I wish he/she where here to hear me tell this story" then that's your winner. Now sit down with your video camera and tell the story. Try to keep the story to 2 minutes at the max. Upload the story to Facebook and tag the person in the story. Once you have done that, then place that person in your "close friends" section.

I hope you all have a great time regaling us with your stories. I can't wait to hear all the good ones out there. Let's all celebrate the lives we have come to know and touch and tell our stories before it's too late.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014


It was the late great North Carolina State basketball coach Jim Valvano that said in a famous speech that I have referenced here in this blog before:

“To me there are three things everyone should do every day. Number one is laugh. Number two is think -- spend some time time in thought. Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think and cry, that's a heck of a day.”
I thought about those words today. So there is one, I sat and thought. I sat and thought because I had many emotions running through me. My problems however pale in comparison to many of you out there and I do not have nothing to complain about. However, if you are someone that knows me, I mean really knows me and not just my silly posts on the web and Facebook know that 2014 has been a year of hard lessons. Many lessons.
Some good, like getting to know some people that I really never knew before. I mean really getting to know them and placing myself in their shoes before making snap decisions about their character or judging them based on their flaws. Instead getting to a point where I feel comfortable walking a mile in their shoes. Where in the past I may try to keep them and others at arms length I have learned that it is important to let in those that care. And in return give back to them. Some bad like when you let a relationship slip through your fingers without being able to give it your all for many reasons but the worst being that you just weren't ready at the time. Also realizing that those opportunities may never return is quite sobering as well knowing that I hurt someone not out of malice but out of not quite understanding my own feelings. Then some very ugly lessons like no good deed goes unpunished. Allowing some people into your inner circle just to figure out their intentions while yours selfless theirs being quite the opposite. Most important when thinking about these lessons is to own them. They are now part of you and after ownership comes understanding, again through thought.
I also think if you know me or even if you know me a little bit you know that laughter comes easily to me. Sometimes just like my Grandmother use to laugh in place of crying. She could be scared out of her mind and she would just giggle. She taught me to never loose my sense of humor and this at times I am sure has been my downfall however many times also my saving grace. I tend to laugh at myself more than anyone and will continue to keep my sense of humor. Although sometimes twisted and dark. Laughter has always been some of my best medicine. This morning I had a good laugh with all my kids as we drove into school this morning. So I laughed today.
Then today I cried. I realize that I tend to have a cavalier "man-up" sort of attitude especially when it comes to this blog. So this next paragraph may seem a bit off center coming from me. However today I cried. I took a few moments to get in-touch with some of those thoughts and I just needed to cry. Even better is that I didn't have to do it alone. There are people in my life that allow me to use their ear and just listen. I want to be clear here. It's OK to cry. The toughest among us do at some point or another.
I am sometimes jealous of people who know how to wear their emotions on their sleeve. It doesn't make a man any less of a man if anything quite the contrary. I can tell you I regularly get choked up and can't help but let go of a few tears every time I watch my children do something I never have seen them do before. My daughter Zolyia's role in the school play,  Madelyne doing her thing on the field hockey pitch and when my son Kalvyn shows me something he has been working on and tells me he learned it by watching me. However I don't find that those tears are really a great leap of emotion just because it is moments like those that are why I had children to begin with.
Being able to reach down and find the inner confidence to allow those emotions to come to the surface on a regular basis takes more intestinal fortitude than I ever have known. The need to cry isn't something I have always understood either until very recent. I can't imagine myself going full Dick Vermeil here however the simple fact that I could cry and had people in my life that allowed me to do it is powerful and something I am forever thankful for.
Tears give us a moment to pause and just get in touch with those raw emotions. Tears force us to deal with those feelings on an emotional level and provide the time to listen to your inner voice on how to move forward. This can be especially hard for men. As men we are taught that tears show weakness. In the Army we were told that pain and tears where merely weakness leaving your body. Nothing could be further from the truth. Understand me when I tell you the same thing I have told my son. Cry when you must, it shows you understand the weight of the moment before you and whenever you need to cry I will be there to help you back up. My Mother and Father taught me the same lesson and today I completely understand that. Thank you Mom and Pops.
The final message in the late Jim Valvano's famous speech was a simple one. You see he was faced with terminal cancer and even in his time after being helped to climb 8 small stairs to a stage because he was so weak he spoke the most important words that ring true for us all no matter what our trials and tribulations may be and that is "Don't give up. Don't ever give up!"
Whatever you do, find that inner strength to pick yourself up after that moment to reflect and move forward. Keep on reaching. Think of it as your own personal "Invictus." Get up stare life in the eye and tell it "You hit like a little bitch." You will get knocked down. I can assure you of this. As sure as I type this through my own tears and tell you that no matter how heavy the day is the sun is going to keep coming up and you need to be the one to answer that call. Find that strength however you must because there is still more to the day.
My father once wrote this quote I still carry with me in my wallet everyday. The quote is from Theodore Roosevelt.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
The overwhelming message I am trying to convey here is that it's OK to take that moment and give yourself pause and a chance to think it around corners. It takes a person with great courage to do just that. However when all is said and done it also takes a real courage to face all those demons and carry on in a positive way. To be the person you know you can be. To cast aside all excuses, fears and doubts. Without shame or a desire for pity. All the while owning all your faults and shortcomings. Just don't give up!
Today I thought, I laughed and now I have cried. I have had a full day and it is only noon. Now it's time to make the rest of the day mine. I wish you all the same.

By William Ernest Henley 1849–1903
Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Gay Pride

I work as a Bartender in Ogunquit, Maine. Known for being a very liberal community nestled in Southern Maine. This beachfront town resides in an otherwise Republican state. Sometimes even referred to as "Provincetown North" for it's large Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender (GLBT) population. Ogunquit tends to be where the older queens settle down. The reason I bring this up is that over the years of working and visiting beautiful Ogunquit Beach. I have gained an interesting perspective into the gay community, and let me say first of all the following comes from a good place. I have several friends now in the GLBT Community and I think you are all fabulous. Being a bartender in this town I am asked all the time if I think Gay marriage should be legal and my answer is "ABSOLUTELY!!!" If you love someone and want to spend the rest of your God given days with them I say it is well within your right to be as miserable as the straight married people. Taking it one step further I think all people have a right to what makes them happy so long as it isn't hurting anyone else. I served in the United States Military and feel the "Don't ask don't tell" policy is completely ridiculous. If I am in a foxhole with someone while bullets are flying overhead I would want someone next to me that thinks I am cute enough to keep safe! Being true to ones self is a act of courage and should not be denounced by anyone. So with that said...

I think gay guys have the right idea! I got to thinking about it one day while in the shower of all places. As I have admitted in the past the shower is sort of a thinking place for me. Now please don't let that last couple sentences distract you and follow me here for a moment if you will. I am purely speaking about gay men here for the moment when I say this. I mean two dudes living together, even I have done that back in college. No silly arguments just because they are cranky due to not understanding cramps and mood swings during shark week. The duel income of two men would be sweet seeing as men typically make more than women for doing the same job even in this day and age. No uterus = no little pie holes to fill when it comes to kids. There is no having to do the whole romantic dinner and candle light and bring her out and hope to get her drunk enough because, well we're dudes. There are so many benefits and still I just can't do it. I mean just the thought of kissing another guy kills it for me.

I hate to say this about the gay guys but there is no way I could be intimate with a dude and that's sad because there are many of them that are prettier than women. Hell you even wear expensive cologne and spend an eternity at the gym. I could be a lesbian in a snap! Hell most of the women in Maine dress like butch lesbians anyway. Every summer a very high number of the women up here need a bag catcher for their Epilady to recover from the winter growth in order to wear a bathing suit and not be mistaken for a Yeti. I'm convinced that transsexuals are the only ones that actually dress like men want women to dress like anymore, in expensive lingerie in high heels. If it weren't for Burt Reynolds chest hair, 5 o'clock shadow and Billy and the Boys hanging low they might just be able to pull it off. Men in general are hairy and gross where as women are soft and smooth and smell nice all the time. Even when they sweat it smells a million times better than guy friends couch. I was talking to a new gay friend of mine Darren the other night and he told me it hurts to take a dick in the ass every time! Every single time it hurts like it's the first time and he should know. He also
said that you just have to relax your muscles (I swear I have told this to more than one woman.) There I was in the shower again this time cleaning my nooks and crannies and I can't even get a soapy pinky past the forbidden exit. I can't even imagine an entire penis. If I ever were to go gay I would definitely have to be the man in the relationship. However aside from the sexual aspect you guys really do have this whole thing licked!

Ever see a poor gay couple? Nope! They both have matching German vehicles, expensive watches and great fashion sense. I am convinced they are the only ones that have enough money and confidence to shop at Banana Republic. For those of you who have never been in to one trust me it is not for the feint of heart. Every one of their sales people make Abercrombie and Fitch employees look like they should be the janitor at a 7-11. You will never see a straight married man in a Banana Republic. Not because he doesn't want to, mind you. Their clothing is wonderful and their fabric makes you feel like royalty. The reasons are they can't afford it and second they have no possible comeback to the way the sales person calls them a fatty without actually saying it. The judgment
happens so fast and there is no other response than to hang your head in shame of your pear shape figure. The sales people don't even walk on the floor, they merely float over to you on a cloud of condescension passed on to them by their parents disdain for the fact that they will never have grandchildren except for the little Chinese girl tote around after they saved her from being thrown over a cliff by her parents that wanted a strong boy and now call their own or their two Labra-doodles they treat just like their own children.

Hell you even have a parade. Did you know that the least celebrated race on this planet is the straight white male! If you where ever to have a parade for my demographic you can almost bet there would
be a riot and the KKK would want to join in. There is the Puerto Rican Day Parade, There are women's rallies, black history month and countless other demographics being celebrated. The only one not celebrated is my people.

Now don't get me wrong I am actually happy you have a parade but seriously does it have to be right down Main Street in every major city in America? Just because you can take a dick shouldn't have to mean I have to go 8 blocks out of my way while you fuck up traffic. Seriously gas is almost $4 / gallon and I have shit to do on a Saturday. Also while I am on the subject why did you have to adopt the rainbow of all things as your symbol. I remember when I was a little kid I use to draw a house with a nice sunshine, green grass and flowers and a nice big rainbow. Now it's no longer innocent and 5 year olds everywhere are being gender qualified before they even
get out of the 3rd grade. How about we trade you for a Technicolor Unicorn it will even have a phallic shaped horn that is ribbed for your pleasure... No? OK it was worth a shot.  

I realize that none of this was politically correct nor was it meant to be. It is just one man's opinion. However unfortunately straight that opinion maybe.


Friday, August 29, 2014

Thoughts for the Week

This week has been a busy one. Especially with Labor day coming up and the bars around Vacationland (Maine) packed to the gills. The funny part is that I do a lot of my thinking while in the shower. More specifically I get my funniest thoughts while lathering old hank and the twins.

*Mental picture for you as I stand there in the warm water still half asleep in the morning on my 8th pass with the soap around the twig and berries when a funny thought crosses my mind and there I am just giggling at the ridiculousness of my own thoughts.
Good luck getting that image out of your head... Sorry!

I digress... With all thes thoughts and the only place to write them is the in the steam on the shower walls. I am left to remember them and release them into the wild here to all of you. So let the brain dumping begin!
+ Do not ask silly questions if you are not ready to hear the answer. I am reminded of a story from when I was married. We were laying in bed and just like couples do they sometimes ask those silly questions (Example: If I die will you ever re-marry? Answer: Noooo, I would never make that mistake again.) So we are just laying there in the darkness and she asks me, If I was 400lbs. would you still love me? Answer: Of course I would... From a distance! She hit me. I wonder why that marriage didn't workout???!!

+ Everyone looks great in Black and White pictures. Yellow teeth are suddenly bright white and wrinkles are non-existant. B&W pictures take 10 years off your image.

 + Everytime someone dies there are a few automatic responses we are trained to say:
* "They are in a better place now." - What if they were an asshole? I am pretty certain upon hearing about my death there will be a few people at least who will say "Oh thank goodness. That son of a bitch had it coming to him!"

* "I'm sorry." - Why did you do it? Where you the Devils pickle that created cancer? If so I really don't think a simple "sorry is going to cut it here. We all might be looking for something a bit more heart felt. For some reason this response reminds me of the scene from the movie Animal House where John Balushi smashes a guys guitar because he hated the music and hands it back a mangled mess with a simple "sorry" and shoulder shrug. 

* If it is someone over the age of 80 "They had a good run." My Pop always says "What if you are the guy in the room that is older than the dead guy?!" Hey hey hey my run isn't over yet!

+ No one ever calls a funeral home in a cheerful voice. One time I was working on a marketing campaigne for the Funeral Directors Association of America. What a fun group of guys this must be. Part of this project was to call all the local Funeral Directors and get them to advertise thier home around the campaigne. I was having a great day. The sun was out, the birds where singing, I was already into my second cup of french vanilla latte. Hell I even got sex that morning! I was for all intensive puposes a happy camper. The minute someone answered the phone at the funeral home I was calling my voice instantly got sullen. I so badly wanted to suck in some hellium and giggle while talking but I just couldn't do it.

+ The other day I read the directions on how to prepare a "Hot Pocket" in the microwave. As if anyone would wait around for the gourmet pocket of lava to be baked. One of the instructions were to "place in the crisping sleeve and place on a paper plate." Translation: You dumb redneck your flatwear consists of paper plates, red solo cups and used Cool Whip containers and those were given to you on your wedding day as a gift to outfit your sweet trailor park home along with a pack of 3 strap t-shirts. 

+ I love my Dog because he loves me back. If I leave the house for 2 minutes to run the trash out to the corner he is frantic like he hasn't seen me in months. When I had a cat he could care less if I left him alone for 80 days as long as he had food and water. My cat was an asshole. He reminds me of my guy friends. I bet if my cat had a marker and I fell asleep drunk he would dram all over my face and laugh at me in the morning. My Dog remds me of some of my past girlfriends. If my dog had a cell phone it would be blowing up everytime I left the house. 

+ I use to think the worst job in the world was the guy that shovels elephant shit at the circus. Then I went and saw a big name comedian and the warm up act came out. Everyone cheered till they figured out he wasn't the guy they wanted to see. Then when he was getting ready to introduce the main act and leave the crowd went crazy. I wonder if that happens everywhere he goes. Sort of like Jesus's brother. Everytime they went anywhere together people would see the family resemblance from a distance and then someone would yell "hey everyone I think Jesus is here!" The crowd would go nuts. then someone else would see it's just his brother Craig and collectively the crowd would groan with dissapointment. 


Saturday, August 23, 2014

How to Piss off Your Bartender

If you are someone that likes to visit a local watering hole now and again. Here are a few things that might just grind your bar keepers gears and I think we all know by now that a happy bartender is a good one for you!

+ Shred coasters and labels leave the remains everywhere.
We understand you have stress and sexual frustrations in your life. But a lot like a mother tells her child "use your words." Leaving a big pile of shredded napkin, labels or whatever else you can get your hands on makes a nice mess for us to clean up after you. Thanks...

+ Ask "what else do you do for work?"
This is my real job thanks for asking you condescending prick! The national average annual salary for bartenders is approximately $52,000. Now yes a lot of bartenders do have other gigs because they have a bit of time in the daytime and what better to do than make more paper. However $52k/ year is well above the national average ($51,000.) Not to mention along with the sex trades my job is completely recession proof.

+ Order one drink at a time.
I realize I may look as bright as a 2x4 however I can remember up to 10 drinks at any given time. I realize it is a lot more fun to watch me run back and forth while you give me one drink at a time like a dog on a wire. I'll do it once after that I am going to tell you to poll the group and give it to me all at once. Also while we are at it let's knock off the game "stump the bartender." There are a million names for practically the same drink out there. I don't know them all. I have shit to do.

+ .50 cent tip.
Your first drink will be a fair pour. After that your cocktails will start to taste a lot like soda or fruit juice. See how this works? Also please unless I know you don't tell me you will take care of me later. You don't see me coming into your McDonalds and telling you I will get you the next time I come get my McDouble. Pretty simple formula here for tipping: 1 - 3 drinks = $1 to $2, 4 - 7 drinks = $3, 8+ drinks = $5. Capisce?

+Vodka cranberry heavy on the vodka
You don't see me coming around your job slapping the dicks out of your mouth so please don't tell me how to do mine. Unless your ready to pay for a double don't tell me how to pour your drink. I like my job and you shaking your half empty glass of $6 a bottle Senator's Whiskey (bar swill) at me and telling me to top you off unless you're my boss or one of my boys ain't going to happen.

+ This doesn't taste like it has any alcohol in it.
when I give you a drink and you complain you can't taste the alcohol. I get it your an cheap alcoholic and you normally drink crap vodka straight from the tin. Not to mention you've drank so much that the only thing that will wake up your taste buds and register on the alcohol is nothing short of anti-freeze strained through wonder bread. I'm going to give you a standard pour if not a little more every time. If you are in my good graces I might hit you up with a little heavy handed pour. However complain about how I do my job from the jump and you and I are not going to be friends. Hint for you: A friendly bartender is a good bartender. A good bartender gives you the hook up every so often.

+ The Star Crossed Lovers.
I understand you just found your sole-mate when you came to meet your match from the internet dating site. Also I know what it's like to feel like a dog in heat. I too bear the burden of carrying a penis. However there is a time and a place for everything and my bar is not the place to try and procreate through each others jeans. Especially if you are taking up valuable real estate at my bar. If you are sucking face you're not drinking and if you are not drinking I don't want you sitting at my bar! Also no one wants to get your collateral damage all over themselves so you are more than likely getting a 2 seat buffer. Even less people sitting at my bar. Get a room! Yeah yeah we know you're not that kind of girl but let's face it you are tonight! If you are rounding second base while sitting at the bar your wrong. No argument here. And it's OK that you are going to get to the great divide. I mean hell I am probably rooting for you and might even try to help you. But come on! Ain't nobody trying to see all that! And if you're rude to me, bet your ass I'm telling her you gave the last 3 girls Chlamydia the second you go to the men's room.

+ The snapper.
Dude! Seriously! Snap at me and I might just come over and poke you right in the eye! I'm going to get to you as fast as I can. Now if you want me to notice you faster hit me with a $20 at the beginning of the night. I'll tell you for the rest of the night come to a certain part of the bar and I will give you priority. Starting to see how this relationship works yet? Tip me and I will tip you. While we are at it if you are in such a hurry to get your drinks that you have to ask out-loud "who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?" The answer is "Me!" Every single time it's me! Now weather I allow you to blow me is another topic all together. Real easy lesson here... Don't be a dick!

his reminds me of a guy that came into my bar while I was bartending at a luxury hotel in Maine. He came and got his first drink and said he just wanted something strong. (Already this sends up a red flag that you are going to be a problem child and clearly drinking to get drunk.) I made him a hurricane and he barely tipped me. then the next time he starts snapping at me and says he wants 2 at a time. I'm the only guy on and he is being a little obnoxious so I tell him to pump his brakes and instead he responds with a brush off. So from this point on he gets juice and lots of it! Sure he got 8 different kinds of juice all mixed to look like a Hurricane. However in the end that is all he gets. As I tip over the liquor bottles to look like I'm pouring a heavy cocktail my thumb is over the pour spout every time. I keep telling him that he should probably slow down and by now I have shown everyone in the bar all that he is getting is juice. Even better he is acting completely hammered and paying full price for every drink as though it is a high end cocktail. Every time he sucks down a drink he starts snapping at me and leaving me a meager tip. I'm ringing him for 2 juices (about $5) and he is paying $20 for each double I suedo-pour. So now he is the laughing stock of the bar and every time he snaps his fingers at me he winds up giving me a $15 tip. I think after all was said and done he left me a $150 tip for the night. Thanks Jackass!

+ Don't we get free shots? It's our birthday!
You're not 12 and this isn't Applebee's. When was the last time you went anywhere else and asked for free shit? Try that at the bank, see what happens. Even better yes, I love it when you show me your tits! THANK YOU! You have brightened my day! However I have seen more tits than you can imagine and no I am not going to give you free drinks all night because you are wearing a lovely shade of whore this evening. Guys, don't even think about it!

+ It's OK I know the owner.
I know the owner too and trust me when I say it's NOT OK. Furthermore I am not going to break the rules for that. I like my job and I stand to make a whole lot more in the long run than just one good tip from you. So until my owner/ manager tells me it's OK I don't give a solid poop who you know.

+ Do you think you make a better margarita than me?
Nope! You have perfected your drinks to your own taste buds. This isn't a contest especially when the only judge is you! A bit bias don't you think? Even the Russian judge calls shenanigans on that move. If I could go out and get all my own fresh ingredients just to make one very special drink for you, God love ya I would. However I work in a bar where there are just a few more paying customers than yourself. Now, if you would like to share your recipe with me I will gladly compare notes with you. However when was the last time you went to your Doctor and asked him if he thinks he can diagnose you better than you? The message here is I don't come to your place of business grinding my ass on your stage and dancing on your pole. So please do me the same courtesy. I'm a professional at what I do, so please leave it to me to be one for you.

+ I know I said there would just be 10... My fruit tray is NOT a buffet!
Stop being cheap and get a damn appetizer. I spent a good bit of time preparing for my shift by cutting all sorts of fruit and you come along with your grubby paws and start woofing down my oranges, cherries and olives.

+ Can't you do any tricks?
I'm a bartender not a juggler. If you want to see jugglers go to the circus or Vegas, they are pretty much the same thing only they check ID's in Vegas. Sometimes. Furthermore how is me flipping (breaking) a bottle going to equate to me being a great bartender. Please tell me I "need to up my game" because the guy down the street can flip bottles. I will make you a very tasty cocktail and maybe even add some snappy repartee. However I'm not a monkey with symbols. I really want to see what your lawyer says when you ask him why he doesn't dance on his desk while giving legal advice? If he does, start roughing up your hands and get in the gym because your ass is going to jail.

+ So are you a Mixologist?
If your bartender answers yes to this get the fuck out of that bar. Seriously! You are either in a hipster bar or this clown takes themselves WAY to seriously. Either way this bar sucks! You can bet if the bartender takes themselves so seriously the patrons are going to mirror that 10 fold! That the equivalent of a gas station attendant calling himself a Fuel Transfer Technician or a High School Janitor calling herself a Higher Education Sanitary Control Engineer. Personally I'm a Booze Jockey. (Keep an eye out for launching soon!) Let's keep it simple.

Alright there are a few things to keep in mind next time you hit the local hooch palace. This should make your bartender/ patron relationship a smooth one. Now sit down and order a drink!