Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail CharlesTheBartender@Yahoo.com or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

To be Old Fashioned

 Something about a good Old Fashioned cocktail makes me feel a little more worldly and wise. Don't ask me what it is however it just does. Sort of like "The Most Interesting Man Alive" somehow came and tapped me on the shoulder. As if to say Charles can speak French in Spanish. Or Charles's 2 cents are worth a dollar 25. Or maybe Charles once traveled to and explored the Virgin Islands, when he left they were just “The Islands.” these and the other quotes are complete rip offs from the commercial by the way so thank you Dos Equis!... I digress.

The real reason I gravitate towards the Old Fashioned is I like whiskey but just like the town of Ogunquit here in Maine, I just can't take it straight. (cough! PUSSY! cough...) Yeah, yeah I know! I will surrender my man card if necessary after that last statement. However I may just redeem myself after reading this entire post. You see although I do like the Old Fashioned I have recently been in my lab playing around with a few twists. Here are a few that either I have created or have read about.

Charles once asked a woman to say ‘NO’ to him, so he could understand rejection.


So the original Old Fashioned is a cocktail made by muddling sugar with bitters then adding alcohol, such as whiskey or brandy, and a twist of citrus rind. The Pendennis Club in Louisville, Kentucky gave the combination its name and popularity. The Old Fashioned is the first drink referred to as a cocktail. Like most everything in this world however it has evolved a bit over time with the introduction of new flavors of whiskey, bitters and just creative minds. If you were to order a Old Fashion at most bars today it would look like this:

Old Fashioned Cocktail
Build and serve in an "Old Fashioned glass"
1 Orange slice
1 Sugar cube
3 Dashes Angostura bitters
1 Maraschino cherry
Muddle all of the above ingredients to a nice mash.
Fill the glass with ice
2 oz. Whiskey
Stir (DO NOT SHAKE!)

Charles is the only person Chuck Norris has apologized to.
 

So now as our base recipe of muddling sugar with bitters then adding alcohol, such as whiskey or brandy, and a twist of citrus rind, here are a few variations I have come up with or read about.
 
Charles takes his salad dressing right on the salad, so there is no going back.
 
Spicy Sweet Old Fashioned (*from Liquor.com)

Build and serve in an "Old Fashioned glass"
2 Bar spoons Maple Syrup
2 Chile slices
3 Dashes of Angostura bitters
Muddle above ingredients to a nice mash
Fill the glass with ice
2 oz. Anejo Tequila
Stir thoroughly
Garnish with a Chile slice and serve

Charles counts his chickens before they hatch…and they always hatch!
 
Old Fashioned Manhattan Peach
This is my own concoction a twist between a Manhattan, Old Fashioned and a Georgia Peach.
Build and serve in an "Old Fashioned glass"
1 Orange slice
1 Sugar cube
3 Dashes Angostura bitters
1 Maraschino cherry
Muddle all of the above ingredients to a nice mash. (Seeing a trend here?)
Fill the glass with ice.
.5 oz. Sweet Vermouth
1 oz. Peach Schnapps
2 oz. Jack Daniels
Shake and serve

Years ago, Charles created a city out of blocks. Today over 600,000 people live and work there.

Autumn Old Fashioned
Build and serve in an "Old Fashioned glass"
1 Orange slice
1 tsp. brown sugar
3 Dashes Blood Orange bitters
1 Maraschino cherry
Muddle all of the above ingredients to a nice mash.
Fill the glass with ice.
.5 oz. Sweet Vermouth
1 oz. Pumpkin Spice Schnapps
2 oz. Wild Turkey
Splash of Cranberry juice.
Shake and serve
Garnish with a Cinnamon stick

One day he got so angry with dancing that he broke it.. The result is Break Dance.
 
St. Germain Old Fashioned
Build and serve in an "Old Fashioned glass"
Orange zest
1 tsp. brown sugar
2 Dashes Angostura bitters
2 Dashes Orange bitters
Fill the glass with ice.
1 oz. St. Germain
2 oz. Makers Mark Bourbon

Charles sent $1000 to a Nigerian scammer, & actually received his $5 million share of the loot.

Pear Old Fashioned
2 Slices of fresh pear
1 tsp. Agave Nectar
2 Dashes Angostura bitters
Muddle to a nice mash
Fill the glass with ice.
2 oz. Bourbon
Splash of Pear Nectar
Stir and serve.

His Humvee is more eco-friendly than a Prius, because it runs on his urine.
 
Cheers!

It is rumored that he was born when a Tsunami and a Twister had sex with a Tigress.


Friday, November 14, 2014

Little Life Lessons

On November 9th, 1973 around 11:30pm in a very snowy Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania I was delivered into this world to Hannah and Lawrence Nedzbala. The poor bastards had no idea what they where in for in the years to come. They where just happy as can be farting sunshine, pissing rainbows and pooping lollipops.  All was good in the world to my new mother and father.

I grew up having a good life. My parents are AMAZING individuals and as a team they somehow gave both myself and my sister a pretty charmed life. Ask them today how they did it and I am quite certain they will say with a chuckle and much self deprecation "how did we do what?" Then with all the humility in this world tell you they just got lucky. But luck had nothing to do with it. As I am still learning as a single father today. There was a lot of hard work persistence, understanding, patience, picking of battles and most of all love.

Well here I am 41 years later and I have come to learn a few things about this world. Some of it useful. Some of it not so useful and other stuff down right useless. However you never know what advise will help whom. So I hope upon hope some of this helps some one and if nothing else gives you a good giggle.

+ If you drive a BMW/ Mercedes or any other luxury car and
still live with your parents, you need to check your priorities. As punishment for purchasing a luxury automobile and not a home your parents should be allowed to give you an atomic wedgie every morning before you skip your happy ass into work. Starting the day you sign for said automobile until the day you move out or into the car.

+ If you don't have a "Happy Dance" make one up and stick with it. Sure add a nuance every so often but for the most stick to a few basic steps. You're happy not James Brown.

+ Guys, take off your socks during sex for anything longer than a pants around your ankles quickie. In that case leave your shoes on as well for traction. Just be careful when you pull out to stick the dismount. Tripping over your pants while doing the "No TP" walk is going to leave a bad impression and a nasty bruise to the twig and berries if your to slow breaking your fall.

+ Wear gym clothes to the gym. Wearing a collared shirt in the weight room just makes everyone worry and want to spot you when you lift anything over 6 pounds.

+ Learn how to lose with dignity. Chances are you're going to lose a lot more than you win. Also learn how to celebrate even the small victories.

+ I once took a class on how to play the ukulele because I was told it was a easy jump to the guitar and I know women dig a man the can play the ax. Do not follow my lead on his one. Skip right to learning the guitar. The ukulele is just the retarded cousin to the guitar. If you tell a woman you can play the guitar she might give you her panties. If you tell a woman you can play the ukulele she might give you a helmet. Also don't ever try to refer to your ukulele as a "ax" or even a "hatchet." The only guys that should ever be allowed to play a ukulele are 300 lb. Samoan's or guys that can pull off a silly hat. To summarize with a football reference. Guitar = Tom Brady, ukulele = Eli Manning. Even though Eli has won more on the field which one is sleeping with Gisele Bundchen?


 + If your a woman and you are proud of the fact that you have a tongue ring you probably suck to much dick. Men if you have a tongue ring you also probably suck too much dick.

+ Have a firm and direct hand shake. You can't imagine in life how many people judge you for your handshake. If your sitting make sure you stand up to do it. If you have a "dead fish" handshake lock that limp wrist up swishy.

+ Don't bother trying to make your own porn tape unless you have a dedicated camera person. Otherwise it goes from being erotica to a downhill comedy pretty quick. Bad camera angles, no acting, low lighting and errant gas passing are not what a good adult film make.

+ Stop taking yourself so seriously. No one else does.

+ If you are over the age of 10 "tighty whitey's" are no longer cute. I say go with a nice fitting and breathable boxer briefs. Like my Pop always says "they should be like a fine hotel and have plenty of ball room." Also if your drawers have more skid marks than a get away car there is no saving them just spend the $15 for a pack of 2.

+ If you are having trouble getting eye contact with people during a conversation either your fly is down, you are showing way too much cleavage or you have something in your teeth. We are all human and we are classically trained when there are blue lights on the highway to stare that direction. Whatever the case is, just excuse yourself and hit the restroom before someone puts that on YouTube.

+ Black shoes, black socks and black belt. Brown shoes, brown socks, brown belt. White shoes other than sneakers there is just no excuse for.

+ Sure being right feels good on a gut level. However where are you going to sleep that night? Keep that in the back of your mind when you see blood in the water during your next argument with that significant other. Sure you might be right but the couch is cold and doesn't have a vagina.

+ Never be ashamed to cry. I mean make sure you hide that shit and never let your friends see you do it but never be ashamed. Addendum for times it is OK for people to see you cry: Your team wins the Super Bowl, Mother, Father, child, close family or drinking buddy dies, Your son makes the major leagues, your daughter gets married to a rich family and anytime you watch the movie Rudy. Yeah that little shit was off-sides but come on!

+ Don't trust your cell phones texting. I have never wanted to "Duck the sit" out of anyone at 2am.

+ Who ever said "walk softly and carry a big stick" was talking about his cock and he was hung like a donkey. Even if you aren't, walk like you do. If you ever find yourself the urge to measure your manhood, just think of it like a 5 star French restaurant. If you have to ask the price you can't afford it. If you must measure it, then you need to go back and learn how to work it better because it isn't big enough.


+ Good sex is a lot like eating Chinese food. It isn't over till you both get your cookies.

+ Never be the last one left at the party. Be like a good fart. You burst on the scene and make a lasting impression and then just drift away before anyone really notices.


+ If your date can tie a cherry stem with her tongue let her have no more than 2 more drinks. Lest she forget and leave you to tie it with your own hands.

+ No matter how old your children get you NEVER stop being a parent.

 
Cheers!
 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Brain Dump


November here in Maine has come in with a bang. It snowed here on November 1st. As my Pop would say "it was nothing to write home to Mom about." However it was snow and watching the flakes fly while listening to the wind howl gives a person time to think with no desire to leave the house. That is exactly what I did this weekend. Now keep it all in perspective and it is still just me so don't look for any deep introspection here.

The other day I was at the gas station filling up the Jeep with all my kids in the car. The car next to me was also getting gas. The guy went to get something out of the passenger side and when he did he essentially mooned my entire car load of kids because he had his pants down past his ass. The next day I was walking in the mall and their was a guy walking around in skinny jeans sagging! This makes about as much sense as wiping before you poop. SO, I have a new idea for a new street gang and help bring down the ever growing prison population. We go to the toughest prisons the US has to offer and gather up the toughest gay ones we can find. You know the real rapey type. We gives them all ankle bracelets and bright pink jumpsuits. We can even name the gang "The Booty's" Their entire mission will be to roam the malls and suburban streets looking for all the little bad asses that like to walk around with their pants down past their ass. When they find one of these guys they are legally allowed, NO obligated to drag him to the nearest alley and butt fuck him prison style till he either buys a belt or joins the gang. Take your pick! Either walk with a limp or get with the program scooter! Good luck walking it off though I'm told that it hurts every time.

This next one comes from my Dad... I was watching football the other day and it reminded me of a
few of his observations.

- A father dreams of his son becoming a professional athlete. At birth we as fathers put a ball in your hand. I gave all my kids basketballs. You teach them how to throw and catch a ball. How to swing a bat, how to run faster and how to tackle correctly. You spend countless hours carting them to practice and watching them from
the sidelines and cheering them on. You spend insane amounts of money getting them to games and buying the right equipment. You pick them up when they are down and give them a pep talk on what it takes to reach the next level in hopes of being a champion someday. Then one day they finally make it! They make the big time and in their first game they score a touchdown, hit a homerun or hit the game winning shot/ goal. They come to the sidelines to the high 5's, fist and chest bumps and admiration of all their teammates and coaches. The TV camera zooms right in on them and they look right into the camera and say... "Hi MOM! We're #1!"

- The other observation here is watching a kick return in a football game and the return man makes a breakaway run. He runs 100+ yards completely untouched. He somehow manages to evade 11 behemoth 300+ pound men that want to rip his head off and get on camera having that big ESPN highlight reel hit that make even the people watching it at home jump back on their couch. The ball carrier makes it end zone to end zone unscathed and only his own team mates following close behind him. And what do they all do to show their love for their fleet of foot team member when they all reach the end zone with him? They smack him in the head and jump all over him! Way to go, nice job! Now here's your concussion!

Dating after the age of 40 is sort of like going apple picking at the end of the season. Their are tons of apples in the orchard. However all the good ones seem to all be at the top of the tree and completely unreachable. Then there are a ton scattered all over the ground. Your first notion is to climb the tree but then you remember you are 40 and falling out of a tree isn't a good look. The things your friends would write on your cast now as apposed to when you fell off the monkey bars in the 3rd grade are completely different. Trust me they will find a way to write on your cast too. So then then you find a ladder and when you do finally find what looks to be a good one you realize that it has been in the sun far too long and its skin is wrinkled up like a alligator bag or you do find a beauty and it is all the way at the top of the tree. You finally are able to reach it and then you take a bite and it is completely sour. So then you climb off the ladder and start looking at the ones that have fallen to the ground and think well that one doesn't seem so bad. Sure it has a lot of bumps and bruises and a big old worm living inside it but it is so much easier to get to than the ones at the top of the tree.

When did fat girls get so angry about guys not appreciating their weight or curves? I thought fat
people where suppose to be jolly. Personally I am an equal opportunity employer. I am not mad if you have some curves. however some guys don't like it. That does not mean they can't handle you or lack the equipment to be with you. It doesn't take any special type of intestinal fortitude to get with a big girl. While we are on the subject stop describing yourself as a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman.) I realize the people of Dove have told you curves are sexy and far be it from me to tell them hey are wrong however you're not all beautiful. Some of you are just jacked up fat chicks and that's OK too. I am sure you are beautiful on the inside. However all I can see right now is what appears to be a brown tooth and leggings that are being worked time and a half. I'm a fat kid myself and I like chocolate. Not all your weight issues are from a over active thyroid gland some are just because you like honey barbeque wings and beer more than a carrot and hate to jog too. That picture you see on the left is an actual woman on Plenty of Fish that asked me out a month ago. That is the picture she chose to best represent herself!
Ordering a salad from McDonalds is like paying a prostitute and only getting a hug.

If you get a tattoo on your neck or above it should read "I'm not going to get this job am I?" Unless you plan to be a tattoo artist and even then I don't think I want my ink done by someone that looks like they just got out of the penitentiary. I mean what sort of sterilization process standards do you think they uphold? My guess here is the same method used to neutralize a jellyfish sting. Also if you have 3 tattoos or less you don't have "tats." You're not "tatted up" and you certainly don't have ink. You have a couple of tattoos maybe. The only exception is if you have tattoos bigger than a standard ruler.

Speaking of rulers I am going to speak to the guys here... Stop measuring, taking pictures of and mailing pictures of your penis. Seriously! Women do not want to see that. If you go on Craigslist and it says that they want a picture of your cock. It's a dude pretending to be a chick. End of story. I know we are all very proud of our own manhood. Think I am kidding? Read a couple of letters to
Penthouse and see how guys tell stories and then describe what they are packing. It sounds like some guy with a 12 inch monster in his pants frantically writing while masturbating angrily in a closet. "That's when I took my 12 inches of blood pulsating love sausage and dipped it into her honeypot of joy." Are you about to fuck Winnie the Pooh with a ruler?!! These guys come up with names for their cocks like "the widow maker" "Stanley" (Because it's a power tool.) Or "the truth" not because it resembles Paul Pierce however look at his facial hair and bald head might have you thinking differently, but instead because women just can't handle the truth! We all think when we look between our legs that we are packing. Very few of us want to look down and think we could be inadequate. Let's face it a man's package compared to a woman looks ridiculous. The vagina is such a

nice looking package all folded nicely into itself waiting to be peeled back to reveal a beautiful self lubricating flower. It's self cleaning and pink on the inside. Now look down at your pecker. It looks like God had 10 minutes left before he had a long weekend off from work, was out of ideas and limited supplies. A penis when not aroused looks less like a proud soldier and more like a disabled vet sitting on two old duffle bags. Put the ruler and the camera down gentlemen!

Loyalty is a quality you rarely need to display. However when the time comes we all find out what side of the coin you are on. The same way it is easy to say someone is not afraid of anything. The company "No Fear" comes to mind. Take these some people with no fear t-shirts and stickers all over their car and push them out into oncoming traffic and watch the fun ensue.

If you ever have an issue approaching someone for fear of rejection just take a step back, deep breath and remember they poop too.

Cheers!



Friday, October 24, 2014

New Affiliate: T-Shirt Hell

T-Shirt Hell.com
 
 
I am pleased to announce that I have a new affiliation with T-Shirt Hell. I hope you all go and check them out. I will give you all fair warning this company sells t-shirts and they don't care about much else. If you are among the squeamish or easily offended this page is not for you. However if you are a little twisted, dark and can laugh at most anything then please proceed and buy a t-shirt or two!

 
 
T-Shirt Hell.com
 
Cheers!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Isn't that Ironic


I was in the car listening to the radio when Alanis Morissette came on yammering about "Isn't that ironic." This reminded me of a recent date I had where she kept saying "well that's ironic" when really she had no idea what the word ironic means and all I could do to keep myself from driving into a telephone pole in hopes of the passenger side airbag failing to deploy, was to try and explain to this walking set of lumps and dimples. I failed... miserably.

No Alanis! Half of what you in that song isn't ironic at all. Don't know the words to the song? Here they are:

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
 It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
 It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
 
  It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Alright so what is irony then you may ask?

i·ron·ic (adjective) 1. using or characterized by irony. 2. happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this.
 
Still a little confused? Here are a few of my own examples to use as guidelines:
 
The family that loses their daughter because while trying to cross the street near their house a car speeding down the same street doesn't see her and runs her over. Now because we are the reactive society that we are the town puts up speed bumps and with every thud, thud of the tires going over those speed bumps it's a chilling reminder of not only how she died but also how she was a selfish pain in the ass when she lived because even now in the afterlife she is fucking up their alignment... No, that's morbid.

OK well it is like that guy that came up with the rape whistle and put them into mass production and he made a fortune. However now that everyone has them the rape numbers have gone down and he isn't making the money he use to in order to buy a new pump for his Jacuzzi and have parties at his house where he passes out roofalyn laced gummy bears and had a good old time. So now he is secretly and ironically hoping for the rape numbers to go back up so he can launch his next big idea... No that's just tragic.

OK I've got it now. It's like the guy that owns a fire sprinkler head company (true story I actually know a guy) and never bothers to get the proper insurance or service the sprinklers in his own business and then one day he has a fire and burns the entire store front to the ground. No that's just sad and a little funny.

Alright how about the pharmacy that sells tobacco or the cardio thoracic surgeon that smokes between telling patients that smoking is bad for you. Or the 5th dentist that thinks chewing sugar filled bubble gum is good for your teeth. Nope all of those are either greedy or plain dumb.

Well then maybe I don't know what irony is either... How ironic. Don't you think?

Cheers!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Just Do It!

Yesterday was Wednesday better known as "Hump Day." The significance of course being he middle or "hump" in the traditional 5 day work week. However to myself and other like minded friends the word "hump" brings out a similar response to the word "duty." Sophomoric chuckles for all in ear shot. For those of you that live under a rock I submit below the definition of the word "hump."


Webster's Dictionary
Hump: Slang: Vulgar. 1. an act or instance of coitus. (sexual intercourse)

Urban Dictionary (I like this one far better)
Hump: (verb) for a man or woman to sit on his/her back and move up and down, hard and fast
Girl: If I sit down here will you hump me?
Boy: Yeah!
The girl lays on the table on the guy gets on top of her and stabs his penis into the girl's vagina and her moves up and down on her hard and fast. "OOH! AAH!" She moans, "Faster! Faster!"


I'm sure you get the picture by now on the double entendre at hand. So my point of view was that everyone should get to "hump" on this apply named day. That's right I say just because it's Wednesday it's time to get those heels to the sky ladies! Yes I know real ground breaking stuff here. However I look at it this way, a group of scientists graduate from Harvard or Yale every year. Some spend their life finding cures for cancer or the common cold. Others go on to create a better boner pill.

Anywho... This entire MENSA meeting came to a screeching halt when a friend of mine mentioned she wouldn't be breaking off her significant other and father to her children a little something, something because in her words "it was complicated." In other words there is a rift in the household and she had her panties in a twist guaranteed over something stupid he did. This situation plays itself out all over the world and more times than we all care to admit. So here is my message I gave to her and I am now going to drop this pearl of wisdom to all of you. Feel free to get out your pen and paper now you might want to write this one down.

Nothing ever gets accomplished by doing nothing. No one is ever satisfied and although sex is not the only thing it is a HUGE thing! Alright allow me to break this down. The divorce rate in America is right around 50%. That means half of everyone that swears before

God and family that they will Love, honor and cherish is sickness and in health. For rich or for poor till death do they part, is full of shit! Next time you go to a wedding take it worth a grain of salt. There is a high probability that the people standing before you are completely lying to you! Just think about it this way. The whole ceremony starts off with a lie when the bride walks down the isle in a white gown to signify virginity. When we all know damn well those two met while dry humping on a dance floor and went somewhere that same night and had drunken sweaty awkward sex. Even my own second marriage was a complete sham when my wife to be came out 8 months pregnant in a white dress. SERIOUSLY! This doesn't mean there is an absence of love just the simple fact is that 50% of those couples aren't doing what it takes to live up to those vows. Fights are going to happen, anger will come and go but what is being done in the interim to make certain that the animosity doesn't grow? Here now is the solution to this growing problem...

FUCK!!! Yup it's that simple! Have sex, knock boots, have a roll in the hey, make whoopee, do the nasty, the horizontal hokie-pokie, bang, screw, have gland to gland combat, batter dip the corn dog, take the skin boat to tuna town... Whatever you want to call it for Christ sake if you are in a relationship and want to keep being in that relationship HAVE SEX!!! Not just on Wednesday but every chance you can! Keep it fun, exciting and fresh. Ladies toss on the lacy mu-mu and take that boy to pound town. Guys, trim the hedges, take a damn shower and spritz on some foo-foo juice. Why aren't you fucking yet?!

Next time you are angry, pissed off, frustrated or whatever else in your relationship is keeping from having a smile on your faces call a time out. Just step away from it and go fuck! Try being angry when you just had a mind blowing orgasm. Sort of the same way you can't stay mad when on a trampoline. Not sure this would ever work? Ask your grandparents. You know the ones that came from families of 5, 10 or even more. Their parents stayed together for 70 years. Why? They fucked a lot! Take a look at the Latino population. Mom and Dad don't always see eye to eye when it comes to all those kids but you can bet Momma is singing "Ay Papi!" Then order is restored. Momma walks with a limp and Papi goes and takes a nap and all the anger is gone. Now just fix the problem.

Make no mistake better than most life isn't all farting roses and pooping rainbows. There will be tough times and for those times I say get real dirty! I'm talking the sort of bang session where you can't ever look each other in the eye for the rest of the day. Spitting, talking dirty, rooting around making animal noises, good God who is this nasty ho, sort of sex!

Just the other day I was in a department store and I overheard a little girl in the shoe department ask her mother while looking at some sky high heels "Mommy do you wear high heels?" The brutal honesty of the answer was the saddest thing my ears have ever heard and so telling too. "I use to but not anymore." Bet you dollars to doughnuts her underwear was cotton with holes in it too. She wasn't a bad looking woman either, but she had a couple of kids and obviously has gotten comfortable. As she walked around in her big comfortable clogs all I could think is what does the husband look like? I turned to see the husband, also a good looking guy but a look of "I live in hell" all over his face. She isn't trying anymore physically and he isn't in it mentally. Imagine the look if she picked up some lingerie and fuck me pumps while in that store and he looked at her and told her just how insanely beautiful she was and then the just fucked! I can tell you that they would both be sporting different looks on their faces.

Sit down and with a list of all the things you both like make a sex calendar. Here are a few ideas:

Monday - A.M. - Morning wake up sex! Poke her in the back with that... yeah they love that!) Guess who's up?!!

P.M.- Surprise her with flowers and tell her your name is now Juan Carlos the Latin lover. (Use a Spanish accent) then bam! Missionary pinned to the wall, lift her skirt and have at it.

Tuesday - Quickie between work and dinner. A whole day of work with no end to the week in sight makes me a horny bugger.

Wednesday - HUMP DAY!!! Afternoon delight! Rush home or even better find a quiet spot and do it in the car during your lunch break.

Thursday - Slow and steady. Make this one last because the weekend is coming and it will fly by.

Friday - Tell the kids to get in the car and you will be right out. When they are all outside have a quickie in the bathroom.

Saturday - Break out the kinky stuff. Call each other by someone else's name on purpose and see how long you can hang on. Take a try at her booty. Tell him you always wanted a 3-some with his best friend while he ties you up to the ceiling fan. Buy and remote control vibrator and go food shopping in the afternoon! Make this a undercover freak day. Be wild and do it like it's your first time.

SundayFor God sake take a break. Break open a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch while you rub her butt. Even the good Lord above according to the Bible rested on the 7th day. Besides you don't want chaffing there is a whole new week headed your way.

Did you know that Islam has forbidden sexual intercourse during menstruation? The Qur’an says: “They ask you about menstruation. Say: Menstruation is a discomfort (for women). Do not establish sexual relations with them during the menses and do not approach them (sexually) until the blood stops. Then when they have cleansed themselves, you go into them as Allah has commanded you.” (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:222)
Now watch the news and see how many of them are pissed off and blowing themselves up... On the other hand here in America, Comedian Ron White says "Just cause the roller coaster is broke doesn't mean they shut down the whole amusement park! If they did people would still be looking over the fence saying "Hey the log ride is still working just fine!"

So that is my message to all of you. Stop holding out, drop all the anger for just a little bit everyday because no one will be satisfied. Fuck and all will be OK! Now what are you waiting for? Go FUCK!!

Cheers!
 
Here are a few more euphemisms for having sex. Enjoy!
 
belly to belly
boff
boink
bouncing the pogo stick
bump and grind
bump fuzzies
bump uglies
bury the bone
bury the one-eyed worm
bush patrol
butter the muffin
check the oil
churn butter
clam dip
clean the carpet
dance in the sheets
do the deed
dip the wick
dip your pen in the ink
do it
do the dirty
exchange bodily fluid
feed the kitty
fill the cream donut
fit her clap flap
fix her plumbing
flop the hay
fornicate
four legged frolic
frolic in the cornfield
fuck
funky chicken, the
get a home run
get busy
get into one’s pants
get it on
get laid
get rocks off
get your nuts cracked
give her a high hard one
give her a pat
glaze the donut
go fishing
hanky panky
hide the hot dog
hit it
hobble the horsey
hop upon the wild pony
horizontal hustle
horizontal mambo
hot beef injection
hot dog in a jungle
hump
the old in and out
juice someone
jump one’s bones
knock boots
knock mops
lay piping
lie feet up
lust and thrust
make babies
make it
make love
make some friction
mattress dance
mattress mambo
mingle limbs
mommy-daddy dance
mount
nail
naked dance
nookie
watch the submarine races
park the Plymouth into the garage of love
parting the pink sea
party for two
pass the gravy
piece of ass
plant your seed
play doctor
play on the hair court
play pickle me/ tickle me
plug and play
plug the hole
poke in the whiskers
pop the cork
pork
pound
probe
probe the membrane
put sour cream on the taco
put the snake in the cave
ram
ride
ride the baloney pony
ride the hobby horse
ride the wild bull
roll in the hay
ring her bell
rumple the foreskin
score
scratch your itch
service the clam
sexercise
shag
sink it in
sink the sub
skin the cat
slap bellies
slime the banana
smash pissers
sow wild oats
spank the cat
spear the bearded clam
stab the trout
storm the trenches
stuff the beaver
stuff the taco
sweep the chimney
take “old one-eye” to the optomotrist
the hole smash
thread the needle
throw a log on the fire
tickle her belly from the inside
two-person pushups
vulcanize the whoopee stick
walk the dog
wet the wick
do the wild thing