Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail CharlesTheBartender@Yahoo.com or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Prentice Powell

Like Arsenio Hall said perfectly after this gentleman lays it all down. "If you can't feel that, you must have a hole in your soul!" This man is all about truth. Be sure to check out more of his stuff on YouTube. Powerful stuff here.



Cheers!

Monday, July 21, 2014

More Signs of Old Age.

A couple weeks ago before I went on  my kick of getting heavy on the world I wrote a small piece about signs you are getting long in the tooth as anthropologist use to say about things that died of old age. So in giving it even more thought I have come up with a few more clues that it might be time to get ready to meet your maker. Like the Rolling Stones once sang "what a drag it is getting old..."

+ You sit and watch most if not all your teams regular season baseball games beginning to end on television.

+ Some of the commercials for drugs apply to you.

+ You still own a TV/ VCR combo.

+ You say things like when I was young and not "back in the day."

To middle age, when we begin to exchange our emotions for ­symptoms!

+ What is considered old school hip-hop used to be "your jam!"

+ Some of your favorite movie stars are dying of old age.

+ Golf on TV is now fun to watch. Even worse is that you start giving serious thought to Cialis, Levitra and Viagra commercials, because that guy sitting in the tub on the hillside looks a lot like you.

+ Neil, Diamond, Elton John and Tom Jones are among your all time favorite singers.

To our friend who is aging wonderfully. Nothing about you is old, except a few of your jokes!

+ You have rock t-shirts from 80's bands and they are not meant to be ironic.

+ Your one time tattoo of a butterfly now looks like an anaconda and it scares small children.

+ You have developed a "condition."

+ You have to stretch a little before sex.

+ You fear the final words you udder will be "Oh shit!"

To the "metallic" age - gold in our teeth, silver in our hair, and lead in our pants!

+ You use the blood pressure tester in the pharmacy with some degree of concern.

+ Speed limit signs are no longer a challenge.

+ A huge party seems like a real pain in the ass and all you can think is that it must be a real bitch to clean up after.

+ You start getting called Ma'am or Sir.

May you die in bed at age ninety-five shot by the jealous husband of a teenage wife!

+ A great night is a good dinner and falling asleep in front of the TV.

+ A great morning is a good cup of coffee and a solid poop.

+ You suddenly remember why you went in that room. Only to be side tracked for a moment with something else and forget all over again why the hell you are in that room to begin with.

+  Reading glasses are a regular accessory to your daily life. Should you lose yours not to worry all your friends and wife have them and will let you borrow them. You loose them all the time and that is why they sell them 5 for $10 at the pharmacy so you can buy a bunch to put on every surface of your home.

Here's a health to the future;
   A sigh for the past;
We can love and remember,
   And hope to the last,
And for all the base lies
   That the almanacs hold
While there's love in the heart,
   We can never grow old.

+ You invest in a sweet cherry red convertible.

+ You actually buy the extended warrantee to a electronic product and file it in a safe place.

+ You can never seem to find your keys and they are always in the same place, right in your ignition from the night before.

+ You look forward to the comfort of your own toilet seat.
 
What is but Age? Something to count?
Some people fight it as if climbing the mount.
I choose live with dignity and grace 
And offer a drink to all in this place

Stay young my friends!



Cheers!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Loneliness


Open the door no one home
big empty space, another day gone.
So just your thoughts and the cold
that grip your heart but never hold
thoughts fill your head and no one cares
the bar is full, but all alone there.

Try and peel back that fear
of never sharing these thoughts you are feeling.
No one cares to hear you cry
just breath in, sing yourself that lullaby
and rock yourself to sleep at night
this is your life, this is your plight

The chill sets deep within the bones
a strangle hold on emotion flows
through your veins and feels the chill
Maybe soon it all will
end for ever without a sound
so not to disturb those around
This is where you learn to feel
to understand how darkness kills
even with the lights all on
no one would even realize you where gone

Solitude just like prison walls
sit by the phone and wait for calls
How are you? Are you doing fine?
Busy people don't have the time
to put themselves within your shoes
no end in sight to cure these blues

A shot of whiskey might kill the pain
but then again your thoughts remain
and still you sit all alone
surrounded by nothing that is your own.
All you want is to be held tight
take away the grip that might
feel the darkness take its place
in your nothing bit of space.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Signs of Old Age

I have been avoiding this topic since November, but now it is finally time to take that big cleansing breath and face facts. This year I turned 40. Yup, the big 4-0 came knocking and I answered the bell. Thank God for great friends and family that helped me ring it in. I love you all and you know who you are! My point here though is that I am getting older and with age comes changes. Inevitable changes and some I don't fully understand but like the song goes "the times they are a changing."

So I have been mulling over all the changes I have seen, made and that are taking place in my life and the lives of those in my generation around me. Some of them are cute, some of them are funny, others sad and of course there are some that are just outright depressing. Although for better or worse there is no stopping Father Time.

So I started compiling a list like I usually do here of all the signs that signify old age is coming, already upon you or maybe time to start thinking about a living will.

+ You go to a bar and all you want is for the management to turn down the music so you can actually hear what the other person is saying without screaming it in their ear.

+ When they do scream whatever they need to tell you in your ear, your first reaction is to say "what?"

+ A good sneeze could mean you pee a little.

+ Why the hell did I come into this room?

+ There is no way in Gods green earth that even with the hottest of women you would sleep in a twin bed.

+ A $5 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit!" Brace yourself the hangover is worse.

+ You no longer have more than a glass because it makes you sleepy.

+ When you find out a friend is pregnant your first response is now "Congratulations!" Instead of "Oh no! What are you going to do??"

+ Your time in front of the computer is actually spent doing work and other productive things.

+ You figure out that the internet can be used for more than just free porn.

+ You watch your language when talking to friends because kids might be within earshot.

+ Now I know I came into this room for something...

+ You start saying "I don't look pretty good for my age."

+ You go to bed by a certain time on the weekdays because you know if you don't it will be hell trying to wake up.

+ You can't imagine a day taking place without some form of caffeine.

+ You never leave the house without a sweatshirt or sweater just incase there is a chill.

+ You just don't understand the music kids dance to these days.

+ You get disgusted at what parents let there kids leave the house wearing.

+ You haven't seen Saturday Night Live since it started to suck back in the late 90's. Now you DVR it every so often just so you can watch it the next day to see how it is doing.

+ When you want to record something on TV you say you will "tape it."

+ You make a sound for sitting down and a completely different one for getting up off the couch.

+ Kids are great for fetching things for you.

+ Your mind makes contracts your body can not uphold.

+ Seriously! Why did I come into this room. I know I came in here for a reason.

+ Conversations start with "the other day at the Doctors office..."

+ Quick move laterally!... hahahahaha nope!

+ Doesn't matter who is around you no longer hold in your stomach for anyone.

+ You show friends your new lawn mower out of pride.

+ You are a listener of NPR and other talk radio.

+ Hair grows like a wild fire from places it never did before. If you sneeze you could look like a party favor. You have a few eyebrow hairs that have gone rogue and give you a stunning resemblance to Rip Van Winkle. Also your significant other spontaneously plucks long hairs off your back without warning and reminds you to have the barber trim your ears when you get a haircut.

+ When you're up, when your prostate and bladder says you're up.

+ Doing it all night long really means 20 minutes real hard followed by a nice deep sleep.


+ Who the hell ever needs to be able to bend at the waist to touch their toes anyway?

+ When you go for your license renewal and you are more concerned about passing the vision test.

+ The door man at the bar waives you through but cards everyone you are with.

+ You have no clue how long your shorts are suppose to be anymore. However you remember when shorts where exactly that "short."

+ When a woman calls you "daddy" in bed you quietly wonder if she actually thinks you are her daddy.

+ One word, "Loafers."

+ Remember when Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Kurt Douglas where studs. Likewise Sharon Stone, Britney Spears, all the girls in Friends and Pam Anderson were hot?

So there it is my list. For all it's worth 40 isn't really so bad. I'm surviving it so far. But as always I keep in mind we only go around this crazy life once that we will remember. So enjoy it now!

 
Cheers!





Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Tonight I Snuggled


Tonight I stayed in and snuggled with a beautiful girl
We sat for hours and talked
I held her close and that is all she really wanted.
She didn't care about status, what I drove or how much money I make
She wanted to feel safe and warm
I stayed home and snuggled tonight.

I didn't do it because I had to
I did it because it just felt right.
In return I got back unfiltered love.
There were no conditions
There were no desires to be anywhere else but right there in my arms
For tonight I stayed home and snuggled

No fancy dinners, no flowers and candy.
No romance here just a innocent snuggle with a girl I love so much
She can do no wrong in my eyes and I hers
The world is her oyster and I am merely along to watch it all unfold.
We speak about the future and it is nothing short of bright.
Tonight I stayed in and snuggled

Her head on my chest as I pull her so close to me
Secretly hoping this moment will never see a the curtain fall
And yet it will
There is much to do in her lifetime and this is just a short
However sweet reprieve from all that awaits
Her sun kissed face, bright eyes and tiny freckles that grace her nose
Make me see the little girl in her
I stayed in tonight and snuggled

No parties, no drinks just belly laughs and tiny kisses
The kind that land softly on her forehead
She wrinkles her nose every time I do.
I love being a father
And because I do
I stayed in tonight and snuggled.

Cheers!
 
 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Ultimate Bloody Mary!



A lot of people ask me how I make my Bloody Mary mix. I'm told it's pretty good. A lot of bartenders keep their recipe a secret but not this kid! Here is how I do it. Lots of fresh ingredients is part of the key. Keep in mind I keep the heat on low to start that way if someone doesn't like spice I can keep it mild. On the flip side if someone wants me to burn them up then I can do that in a few short dashes.  This will make one large jug of mix so invite lots of friends and enjoy!


Charles the Bartender's 
Bloody Mary Recipe
Combine in a blender
2 Cucumbers peeled and cut into sections
2 cloves of garlic
Handful of Parsley
3 Peeled fresh tomatoes
2 large tablespoons of horseradish
Pure all above ingredients, then add the following:
1 cup of beef beef broth
10 dashes of Frank's Hot Sauce (Yup! I put that sh*t on everything!) More hot sauce if you like it spicy
1 Bottle of V-8 Juice
10 dashes of Worcheshire sauce
Couple of dashes of Celery Salt
Olive juice
Splash of lime juice to amplify flavor.

Now mix it with your favorite vodka on a Sunday morning and ride out the rest of the day!


Cheers!

Monday, June 30, 2014

Big Mac Attack

So here I am single again... Ladies please one at a time! I am only one man. Oh wait no one? Really?! Damn! This change in social status usually means a varying combination of a few things for me:

1. My body pillow starts to see use again. (I'm a cuddler.)
2. Watching the movie "Love Actually" and think about where my love life all went wrong.
3. My chocolate intake goes up.
4. Gym time goes up to counter the elevated chocolate intake but never enough to completely negate the excess of chocolate.
5. Shaving becomes less of a priority.
6. Leaving the seat up in the bathrooms.
7. Re-establishing "naked Tuesday's" around the house.
8. Outward resentment of all my married or happily in relationship friends.
9. I tend to write a lot more due to no one else around to listen to my dumbass thoughts... Sorry to all my readers in advance. 
10. Chronic masturbation! Like a 13 year old boy that just figured out there are other uses for his penis! I love me some me!
With all that in place especially #10, there are a few different types of people that I just don't trust. Anyone who says they do not have or watch TV unless they are homeless. People that say they never shop at WalMart. Those that claim to have never been to McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King or just vegans in general. The worst of this group are guys who swear they never masturbate! Like I am the only person in this country with a love for low priced home goods, watching "2 and a Half Men" and "Big Bang Theory" while eating a double cheeseburger and rubbing one out! I am calling Bullshit on the whole lot of them!

These guys are the same ones that say they have never stood before a mirror naked, tucked their unit between their legs and squished their chest together to see what they looked like as a woman. We all did it after watching the movie "Silence of the Lambs" and ended up saying "I'd fuck me!" I'm sorry to say this ladies but we are ALL guilty! For just this reason I will never walk in front of a full length mirror naked again.


So like Crosby, Stills and Nash sang "If you can't love the one you love, love the one you're with!" Did you know that in certain parts of the world and even here in the United states it is illegal to do the 5 knuckle shuffle? Dade County Florida, I am talking to you. In these times where teen pregnancy is at a all time high I think it is high time to reverse such laws and preach the word that it is just fine to flog the dolphin. Here are a few of the penalties and laws for self pleasure from around the world:

Indonesia: Decapitation
United Kingdom: 14 days in prison if done in public. Although the UK recently joined the Netherlands and other European nations to teach teens to masturbate at least daily.
Saudi Arabia: 3 years in prison and 300 lashes.
Alabama: In 2009 the Supreme Court outlawed sales of all devices used for stimulation of human genitalia. Oddly OK to sleep with your 1st cousin however. Sweet home indeed...
North Carolina: Class 3 Misdemeanor carrying as much as 5 years in prison.
Texas: 2 years in the slammer. This is the same state trying to create an express line for death penalty inmates.

We have all heard the perils of doing it too much... I use to have a buddy in the Army that would tell me if you do it too much you will go blind. To which I would tell him "hey I'm over here."


Those crazy Christians during the 1st Century AD proclaimed the act to be a "mortal sin" and you where damned for all eternity including your soul. It isn't till fairly recent that they have loosened up a bit to change their stance only slightly to discouraging anyone to do it.

Now back to my original point here... The other day I was thinking about the act itself and due to my extreme case of ADD I couldn't help but to think about the correlation between two of my favorite evils. Please hang with me here for a moment while I explain.

One of my guilty pleasures in this world is none other than a McDouble with cheese, no pickles and light ketchup and mustard. Me and that clown from McDonald's have a long standing relationship. Sort of a don't ask don't tell deal. But here I am today out and proud to say I like McDonald's. I know it stands for everything that is wrong with todays obesity issues in the United States but damn-it I am among the billions served. Yes I have seen parts of the movie "Super Size Me" but some love you just can't explain and so long as I am not hurting anyone else, I am going to keep on doing it. Just try and stop me!

Euphemisms for masturbation:
A date with Palmela Handerson, Acting out the grapes of wrath, Beat the beaver, Beating the bishop, Bop the bologna, Choking the chicken, Clean the bean, Clicking the mouse, Dating Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters, Diddle my skittle, Donald trump firing his apprentice, Fire off some knuckle-children, Five knuckle shuffle, Flickin’ the kitten, Flicking the bean, Flog the dolphin, Getting trigger happy, Going fishing with the man in the boat, Going to the palm prom, Greasin’ the gash, Hand to gland combat, Having a knee trembler, Smacking the slit, Holding your sausage hostage, Jerkin the Gerkin, Jilling off, Lubing the tube, Making my girl happy, Making stomach pancakes, One handed baseball, Painting the ceiling, Pet the poodle, Petting the kitty, Playing naked air guitar, Pocket pool, Playing tug of war with the cyclops, Polishing the pearl, Pumping the keg, and the list goes on... 


Well the other day I took my weekly stroll of shame through the golden arches drive-through. I usually roll up to the squawk box in dark sunglasses and mumble my order hoping that neither the person at the first or second window with either broken dreams or pubescent pimply skin looks directly at me. God forbid they ever recognized me in public. I figure it is sort of like a stoner seeing their pot dealer in the mall. You just walk right by like you have never met. I then grab my food, throw money at the cashier and tear off like a bat out of hell. But this day was different. this day there was a bigger offer on the table. $1 Big Macs! I don't know what it is but every so often I get a Big Mac attack. The song immediately starts playing in my head. "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun..." Suddenly da, da, dat, da, daaaaa... I'm lovin' it!

This got me thinking about how much eating a Big Mac is like masturbation. There you are just hankering for it. You can't stop thinking about it and you just got to have it. Yeah it's a guilty pleasure and it's an ugly need but there is no need to overthink it. Excitement is in the air and things start happening setting the personal stage for a personal playground. You get yourself all set up and get nice and cozy. Even undo your pants in anticipation. Your all alone and no one is watching so feel free to be as jubilant about what's to come as
you wish. You have your napkins all set and away you go.

Just like eating McDonald's when I was a kid I could eat it all day and not feel a thing but now after a Quarter Pounder I need a nap and possibly a shower. Before you know it's all over and all you're left with is a pile of dirty napkins and shame as you sit there covered in special sauce... Till the next time in a few short hours! 




Cheers!
And now I'm an outlaw in Alabama...


Adam & Eve 300x250

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Hey Big Spender

A few days ago I was behind the bar as I usually can be found. A guy comes up with a couple of ladies beside him. He's a young cat and obviously trying to impress the women so he steps to me like he's got this. Seeing this I give him respect. I know what he is up against and weather he is trying to seal the deal on a 3-some or win over the friend of the girl he is really trying to handle I want to help the young buck get it done.

So I step over to him and show him love immediately with a quick handshake and eye contact that says "my man I got your back here." So he starts his order and already I can see he is sweating it. Like a 4 way intersection missing on Google maps he's got no direction. He wants to order for the ladies but without a clue what they want/ like and even worse not sure what he wants either. As you know if you have read a few of my posts there is nothing worse than a dude that doesn't know how to drink like a man, but I am willing to let it slide because my man has some stress upon him that he wouldn't normally be sweating. So I try taking a bit of the stress away and allow him the time to fumble for his wallet and ask the ladies what they like and what they don't like. I'll make them something special and make my new buddy a hero. And we all know that the hero gets the dame or dames... in the end.

A couple of fruity rum concoctions for the ladies and he now has his order and he goes for the Grateful Dead. First of all my friend you're not laying in a hammock. Second getting lit up on a drink sporting a combination of 5 liquors is not going to keep you strong for future end of the evening games. Finally you are going to be now seen holding a great big bright purple cocktail. My man it is time to get your cocktail game together. So I check him real quick and tell him we don't serve those. However we do have some great beers on tap and I make a few real nice whiskey cocktails just be sure to only have a couple because again I am trying to be his wingman here and keep my new friend ready for action. Also a little known fact that the smell of whiskey is a mild aphrodisiac. Something about the sweet mixed with smoky flavor on fresh breath can loosen a few screws I am told.
Grateful Dead
In a pint glass filled with ice
.05 oz. - Vodka
.05 oz. - Gin
.05 oz. - Rum
.05 oz. - Triple Sec
Fill the glass with Sour mix
Top with Chambord (Raspberry liqueur)
Jerry Garcia liked "Long Island Iced Tea" but was not a fan of tequila and liked raspberry.
Add a second top of Blue Caruso to make a "Tie Die"
Now this is where my boy needs to look like a boss. I helped you out with getting the ladies to giggle a bit and even made them both a little something special that will hopefully let down their force-fields a bit and with every sip make this dude look like Prince Charming. So long as he doesn't talk too much and smiles a lot he might just find himself swimming in a bed full of naked by the end of the night. For that I am wishing him well. Now all he has is one job and I will give him a over the top "thank you that is very generous" line and show him some love in front of his Y chromosome friends. The total is $13.50.
Dude plops down $14 and tells me to keep the change... Wrong answer! You were just so close to the promise land dude. But now I have to expose you. You have forced my hand and it is not going to be pretty. Now I understand being a Baller on a budget. Same reason I will never "make it rain in da club." There will never be a time when I am carrying that many singles and unless there is a credit card swipe under the strippers G-string I can't use my ATM card. Besides that I don't think you are a true professional unless you can perform while little silver Thomas Jefferson's (nickels) are bouncing off your chin. That is called making it hail! However you give me a solid personalized naked giggly dance and you can bet I am going to reach for a $5 or a $10 spot for your time and effort.
So this mother fucker is going to hit me off with a .50 tip and think he's going to strut out. Naa Playa sorry but this evening just got cloudy and you're about to get pissed on. So here is the conversation:
Me: Alright the total is $13.50.

Dude: (pulls out $14) Keep the change.

Me: (shocked at first and now a case of the red ass and very loud so the whole bar can hear me) Oh my God in Heaven! A whole .50 cent tip! Holy shit! I am a 3rd world country millionaire now! Oh my Lord it is the day I have always dreamed of!

Dude: (no words just stands there and takes it while the 2 girls start laughing.)

Me: My man, Thank you so much for your generosity. I mean I saw you had a few dollar bills in that pocket right there but those must be going to feed the starving children right?!!

Dude: (clearly embarrassed.)

Me: I can finally live all my hopes and dreams. My children will be able to eat from the food I provide since you have bestowed this bounty upon me!

Dude: uhhhhhmmm....

Girls: (to the dude) You only gave him .50 cents? Are you serious?!

Dude: I didn't know, I forgot...

Girls: (looking completely disgusted) We're sorry! (They start reaching for their purses to tip for him.)

Me: No, no, no ladies! Here I was hoping today would be my lucky day and some wealthy businessman would come into my life like that man did for Julia Roberts in Pretty woman. But I never thought in a million years that it would actually happen to me! .50 whole cents! That is 50 pennies! God bless you sir!

Dude: (Pulls out his wallet and just starts apologizing while ripping off singles.) I'm soooo sorry.

Me: Thank you and have a great night! (big smile)

Rude? Yup! Over the top? Maybe. Funny? You bet your ass!!!

Cheers!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Online Dating

I have been working tirelessly and diligent to make this site into the corporate Fortune 500 jugernault it can and will be! (Please stifle your laughter till the end.) The latest of these is Match.com or as I like to call it and any other dating website "The land of misfit children." There are tons out there to choose from now to. So all depending on the sort of special someone you are looking to add to your life I am certain there is a site for you.

Match.com is the #1 rated site according to 100bestdatingsites.com. But really there are 100+ sites out there. So who really knows what is the best. What is the criteria for judging here. What makes a site the best site? I am pretty sure that when Vice President Al Gore created the internet his hopes for the future were porn and dating at your fingertips because these are the two largest industies to be found on the world wide web today.

Side note: Did you know you no longer have to put the "www." before your internet address you are going to? Just like you no longer have to dial the number 1 before the phone number if calling from a cell phone. When did this all happen? One day a co-worker told me to check out a website and when I started typing www. they all started to giggle. Ha ha ha Charles is so old he still uses the www! Why was I not in the loop? A lot of embarrassment could have been saved that day. It wasn't like I was looking for the crank to start up my car or anything but seriously I couldn't have felt more like Methusela than I did that day. There should have been a memo sent out or a news bulletin like the ones they run at the bottom of the screen. This leads me to worry what if something bigger comes along and I am not in the know? Something "Shit is going to be falling from the sky so be sure not to leave your house without a helmet!" There I would be all fat, dumb and happy just walking around without a helmet... I really should start paying closer attention.

Going to these sites is sort of like antiquing. You go with the intention of finding a gem. A diamond in the rough that no one has yet to discover. Altough keep in mind no matter how great they seem, how sexy they are, how brilliant they may be... Someone somewhere is sick of their crap! So you go to that antique shop in hopes of blowing the dust off some great treasure when in fact you just end up wading through other peoples trash. Think of all the stuff that can't be sold at auction or donated to charity and there you have it. The odds and ends of the dating underworld just waiting to be swept up in love. Just like that antique shop all the could be treasures are either missing something, have a giant crack in them or even worse smell funny! It is as if the owners of these sites are saying "here take this one home. Sure it has a big head and funny ears and farts in it's sleep, but it likes to cuddle and won't pee on the rug. I would bring them all home but I have a dog."

List of some of the more niche dating/personals sites out there:
(Be afraid! Be very, very afraid of some of these!...)
AdultFriendFinder - These are booty calls waiting to happen. A step up from Craigslist.
PerfectMatch - Match.com with more Wonderluk type personality evaluations.
Zoosk - indeed or expedia of the dating world. They combine all the profiles from all the dating sites.
MatchMaker - Get set up on a date. Sort of like being set up by a virtual mom. 
Lava Life - Their commercials look like you are calling a 900 number sex chat line.
Cams.com - The fastest way to answer "what are you wearing?" It is never what you hope for.
Anastasia Date - Where American men go to find Russian mail order brides
Out Personals - Gay dating
Alt.com - Want a spanking? Here is a place to find one. Whips and chains excite this group.
Christian Mingle - By the Lords devine intervention it will bring you the perfect match. Amen!
Ashley Madison - Married people hooking up.

Black Singles - For people of color is what their marketing material says.
Sugar Daddies - If you are looking for that old guy with a fat wallet and a foot in the grave
JDate - Oy Vey why can't you meet someone nice already? You know the Wienstien girl married a doctor! 
Senior People Meet - First they just have to remember where they put the darn computer...
Trek Passion - Set your phasers for "Love."
Darwin Dating - Only the beautiful people are allowed on this site. Who is the judge here?
Farmers Only - Redneck lovin' Yeeehaww! Most common opening message: "You sure got a purty mouth! Reminds me of my momma.
Meet-an-inmate - Gives you the opportunity to become pen pals with a lonely inmate of your choice. 
Tall Love - Meet people of height


STD Match - Infected people need love too.
POZ Match - HIV Positive relationships. For those who don't want a long term commitment.
Cancer Match - For those with Cancer.
Deaf Passion - For those who never want to have to say "I love you."
No Longer Lonely - For people with mental illness. Meet a nice bi-polar girl and have a 3-some. 
Perscription 4 Love - For people with a wide array of illnesses. 
Sea Captain Date - If you don't like her make her walk the plank!
420 Dating - Where everyone is groovy man. Legalize it!
The Right Stuff Dating - For the graduates of the Ivy League Schools. Is that a ruler in your pocket? Yup!
Pounced.org - For those really really really into the furry 4- legged creatures .
Geek 2 Geek - If you LOVE Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica and all things geeky, this is the place for you. 
Purrsonals - Think of Dr. Evil with Mr. Bigglesworth here. You really have to love your cat. PS: your cat hates you. 

Also all of the children in the land have their very own window where they can be on display. The photos they use to present themselves are suppose to be a brilliant representation of who they are. Along with the pictures are a few paragraphs about them, their hopes and dreams and the signifigant other they wish to complete them as a perfect being.

Now I realize I am far from the worlds greatest catch. I too belong on the bargain shelf in the super market. You know the one set way back where no one can see it right away. Things like seaweed flavored soda and the pork jello. We all have an opinion of ourselves and who who we deserve to belong with. Even a 2 on the hotness scale considers themself to be at least a 5. Ask the biggest train wreck you know where they think they land on that scale and I garantee it is nothing less than a 5. No one thinks they are that bad no matter how many teeth they are missing. Now allow me to say this, I too am a dented can. There should be a 50% sticker on me somewhere and maybe there is. I am just not that flexible and I refuse to go looking for it. I prefer to just remain oblivious. And I still think I'm somewhere between a 5 and a 7.

That is what these dating sites will do to you though they will tinker with your emotions and prey on your insecurities. You may feel good about yourself one day having a great hair day or maybe you are wearing your lucky underwear or maybe you woke up able to wear your skinny jeans without having to get out the vise grips and Crisco. Whatever it is that is making you feel spectacular and lucky is going on for you and then you take a stoll over the dating website to see someone mildly attractive and you think, "they are going to see this new selfie I am about to post of me in the bathroom and want to date me for sure." You then conjure up your massive command of the english language and come up with a witty subject and humorus introduction that is for sure going to get your foot in the door. You are already seeing a bright dating future with this adonis of a human being and the kids you will have will be all the envy of the public. You picture it as Brad and Angelina, Oprah and Steadmond and You and this future spouse. Everything is about to be coming up roses. Then you hit send on your message in a bottle. And now you wait.... And wait... and wait... A day goes by, 3 days and now a week, finally look to see if they got the message or even better read it. They have and still no response another day, 3 days and then a week and still no response. Are you serious! You now find yourself on the corner of Depression and Dispare.

So my newest advertiser is Match.com They seem to know what they are doing and my hope is that all of you looking find what you are looking for in a special someone to share your life.


Cheers!

 
                                           

                                           

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Breakups Suck! Getting through it...

Every song on the radio reminds you of the certain someone that use to light up every dull corner of your head. Food loses it's taste and everything brings a tear to your eye. This week has proven to be just that for yours truly. The vulnerable feeling of casting yourself out there completely unedited and without a safety net is terrifying and then for it to all blow up in your face is just crushing. Never mind having my heart stepped on. This feels like having it tossed into the highway and run over by an 18-wheeler, burned on a stake and then given a quaint burial at sea right after being spit on. I realize this all sounds very melodramatic. This however is where I am in the process of grieving. Just like any loss there are steps to becoming whole again. Getting knocked down is a way of life and it happens everyday. How we move forward after we dust ourselves off, defines who we are.

There are steps to this. These steps are vital to getting back to being semi-whole again. Below are the steps as seen by Joey and Chandler on the show "Friends." They only have 3 steps. My process has a few more.

Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)

Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?

Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.

Monica: What’s Phase Two?

Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.

Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?

Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.

Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
 
In the book "Comfort for Bereavement" Granger Westburg's list has 10 steps. This would be considerably more than the aforementioned "Friends" episode. However the sitcom had just 30 minutes to address the issue instead of 150+ pages granted by Westinghouse to Granger. His steps where:
1) Shock
2) Emotion
3) Depressed / Lonely
4) Physical Symptoms
5) Panicky about our Preoccupation
6) Guilt
7) Anger / Resentment
8) Resist Returning
9) Hope
10) Struggle to Affirm Reality 
Now my list I think has a happy medium between the 2 Some of them are labeled the same and they also all depend upon who you are as a person. Some of these steps you might be able to cut through in a matter of minutes some might take days and weeks. None of this is easy. Let me repeat that last sentence NONE OF THIS IS OR WILL BE EASY! The important part is that you find your way to the other side of this love sick coin. Here is my list of steps. I hope it helps. In the words of Pat from Saturday Night Live... "Because you are good enough and smart enough and dog-gon-it people like you!"
Step 1: Shocking Brutal Truth
That feeling of what the hell just happened?! How the hell did this just happen?! I know things where tough and a lot was said but holy crap what is going on?

Step 2: No Way! (Disbelief)
This could not be it! This is not the end. This is the same notion that they will walk back in that door at any moment. There you will be waiting to forgive and forget with open arms. That whatever the issues are this love is bigger than the both of you and this is not the way the story is suppose to end. This is not the happy ending you both talked about and anything less than that just will not do.

Step 3: Baby Come Back! (Desperation)
This is where all the songs played on the radio are pointed at you. You suddenly feel the need to write a letter to be read on air to Delilah or Casey Kasem (God rest his soul.) Sweatpants an old t-shirt make their first appearance. Whatever you do stay away from Facebook now. Everything they say or do that you see posted at this point could leave you spiraling for days.
 


Meet Mr. Jack Daniels before you enter these next few stages... I know I rarely condone getting drunk however in this case tap the bottle and twist the cap. You are going to need a little liquid to swallow these pills to dull the pain.


Step 4: Pissed Off! (Anger)
Fuck HER! I gave all and that is how she is going to treat me? Fuck her! Fuck that! Fuck everything! For all I care she can go jump off a bridge! How dare she leave me! Yup! You  guessed it this is the Fuck it all, damn her to hell phase.
Step 5: The Blues (Depression and Isolation)
This is the point where you stop shaving anything. Personal hygiene  goes completely out the window. Showers are far few and in-between and why bother because no one loves you or will love you in that manor anyway. She was the only one that ever understood you and she left. The feeling here is that you are going to die alone and you might as well start purchasing cats now. Keep in mind the old blues song here that goes "If it weren't for the Blues it wouldn't have brought me to you."

Step 6: Rebound
Strippers and no-name hook ups! Let the rolling party begin. This is self preservation and heeling thinly veiled in self destruction. Be careful because misery loves company and the last thing you want to do is bring people into the dark cavernous vortex that is your wretched soul. At the same time have someone you trust on standby to tell you when enough is enough. Don't be surprised when you cry upon orgasm for the first 30 days. Feel free to use the tears as lubricant.

Step 7: Cleansing Breath (Acceptance)
I had a Drill Sargent years ago when he saw someone going through a tough time would say: "Son, I see you, but I can't reach you. You are sucking helium and floating on your own. Time to hike up the Huggies and drive on with a hard-on soldier." Words to live by. The bottom line here is that you are going to be alright. The Earth will keep spinning and you need to be a part of it in a positive capacity again.

I wish you all well and hopes this help someone. As for me I am going back to my bottle of Jack.

Cheers!












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