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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Heaven or Hell?


Sitting back with my bourbon and cigar thinking about the week that was, and the big event was bringing my kids to their first funeral. No matter who the funeral is for it makes you examine your own self worth. Looking around at all those in attendance makes you wonder will anyone show up at my grave or will it go wildly un-noticed? There are so many thoughts associated with death and dying in my head right now so I feel another brain dumping coming on... Enjoy!

+ As the old saying goes "You can't take it with you."... What if you can? What if you are suppose to? What if you get to the pearly gates and Saint Peter the Dorman to Club Heaven tells you a door fee. You are already dressed in your best look ready to spend eternity in this wonderful place and now you can't get in because you don't have the $50 entry fee. Let's say that Pete gives you a pass, but there is a VIP section with bottle service. How are you going to get your bottle of Goose and hang with Sinatra, Janis Joplin and Robin Williams (to soon?) while watching Biggy and Tupac do the Kid N' Play dance from House Party? All I'm saying is that you don't need to take it all with you but maybe a little pocket lining to start a rainy day fund at the 1st Bank of After-life. Last thing I want is to get there and have to Fred and Barney it everywhere. Maybe there is some sort of Jesus Scooter Superstore and let's face it we can't all be angles. I mean if I see Madonna with wings and I don't get any I'll be pissed. Pete if that hose-bag is already in there, you have seen my resume and I shouldn't have to answer any questions!


+ There are so many religions and so many different beliefs out there. Some of us has to be wrong. What if God is really Nipsey Russell, Tito Puente or better yet Nell Harper. How many rednecks do you think that will piss off? Let's see you waiving your rebel flag now! Just then one of the Apostles show up in a mini-bus open the door and yell "Come on y'all jump in! We're headed up to the big house."

+ What do you think the interview process is like at "The Pearly Gates?" Who is doing the interviewing? How many interviews must you go through? Is there a panel sort of like America's Got Talent. the panel could be George Burns, Jerry Garcia, Betty White (she's not dead yet but let's face it, every time you hear about a star dying you think "oh Betty White finally died?!" Then you hear it was someone else and you are a little surprised.) Jesus is the M.C. of the panel and introduces people with a little flair.

+ What am I going to be remembered for? I mean I want to be remembered for being a great Father, a loving husband (someday.) and a all around fun loving guy that could always take and give a joke. Someone honest, real, down to earth and caring. Above all the sort of person that would give you the shirt off his back and smile in the face of adversity. I want people to be able to say "He kept every promise he ever made" and " What ever happened his toes where still tapping." But let's be real I will probably be remembered for mixing a decent drink and having sex with a midget and not necessarily in that order. Eh I guess there are worse things that could be said.

+ Will anyone cry or will they just kick dirt? How many people will show up? I mean will it be like a big sporting event or like a JV baseball game in the rain where only a couple parents show up so they can keep little Timmy from griping when he's older that they where never there for him. Or like Catholics on Sunday that show up and pretend to know all the moves and words but merely mumble the songs and do as the alter-boys do. Then once they are finished doing the wine and crackers they get in the parking lot and act like animals so as not to be late for the game on TV.  I hope there are a lot of laughs. I mean be sad sure. But laugh a lot too. I want people to recount times we had together. Even my past or present haters. Even they have a good story or two. Hopefully not all containing some weird sexual scenario. I mean there are going to be some relatives there and the last thing I want is someone having to explain what the "double reverse Arabian gauntlet" is and why it was the death of me.

+ When I do finally kick the bucket, meet my maker or kiss the sky will someone please burn my porn collection, delete my browser history and toss my tablet computer into the ocean? Who wants to be in charge of that fun task and yes I will leave rubber gloves. I just don't want anyone having to question why I had a membership on KaboomBootys.com. That's just sad.

+ What will my last words be? I want them to be something meaningful. I mean right after I say "God save me." because I am told if you say those 3 little words then all is forgiven and there is no devil time for you. I just hope my final words will be meaningful and will ring true for all eternity. I know no pressure there right? Also you don't want to deliver words like that too soon. You really have to be in-tune as to when your final breath may be. Although in all reality I will probably have some deep meaningful statement all written out and ready to say with all my family and friends in mind and something they can remember me by, however my last words will be "Oh shit!" and I will be paralyzed from the neck down and no one will think to look in my pocket much like when I do laundry and wash a $20 bill.

+ I hope Satin is completely scary looking. I mean if it's jus some really old guy dancing around in red pajamas with a pitchfork like a senior citizen that escaped the home then I am just going to kick rocks and hope I can jump the fence to heaven and hope to blend in.

+ What should I wear? I am usually seen in a pair of khaki shorts, t-shirt and a button down with some nice sneakers. I just don't want to get there and have them refuse me like they did at that club in Manhattan. Sure we still went to a solid couple of clubs in the lower village but it was a real mixed bag and a little sketchy getting there. I am told Purgatory is no place to be traveling when the street lights come on. So maybe I should just be on the safe side seeing as I already will have some money in my pocket and just suit up. My grandmother always said "better over dressed than under." Or maybe this is a prime time to layer or just gym bag it. Although I have been giving serious consideration to cremation. Because when I die I am probably going to look a mess or it will be due a deadly overdose of Viagra and too much bourbon. So there I will be dick up in a casket smelling of booze and lubricant that exploded in my pocket as I hit the kitchen floor. Also I really don't want one of the quandaries to be "should we just push his boner down and slam the casket shut like when we over-pack the station wagon?" Just go ahead and cut it off and make it a silly trophy to be passed around annually for the guy on your pickup league team that got with the ugliest girl while completely sober.

So much like the old toast goes... May you find your way to heaven 20 minutes before the Devil knows you're there!

 
Cheers!


Monday, August 4, 2014

Mental Cleansing

So here are a few thoughts I have had in no particular order that have made me giggle. I hope they do the same for you. Keep in mind this is going to be completely disjointed and without rhyme or reason. Just some of the silly crap that shoots across my mind. I tend to call this "Brain Droppings" Every so often I do this as sort of a taking out the mental trash. Enjoy!


+ Halmark and Kleanex should really think about joining forces. Wouldn't it be great if tissue boxes had little messages on them like: You look nothing like your Mother. Your only 40, you have plenty of time to get your act together or Someone special is right around the corner.

+ When in a movie who or what determines who gets the arm rest. You would think by now theaters would start putting in couch seating. I mean we all know what a couch is and they want us o be comfortable right?

+ Did you know that the song "Ring around the Rosy" was about the Bubonic plague?! "Ring around the rosy" refers to the skin lesions that appear as bright red ulcerated spots surrounded by a ring. "Pocket full of posies" is in reference to the Physicians of the day. They use to carry herbs and flowers (usually posies) in attempt to ward off the plague. Finally "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down" is everyone dying from the plague. Morbid right? And to think your Mom use to sing and dance with you to that song when you where a baby!

+ When people say "Jesus H. Christ!" What does the H stand for?

+ Do you think Willy Coyote use to keep his receipts and get exchanges for all the crap he would buy from Acme that would fail? Where did he get all his money? How did he do his ordering? That was well before the internet and he wouldn't go into the store it would just show up on his door step. And Willy couldn't speak. Did Willy Coyote create Amazon?

+ If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach then why do surgeons insist on cracking open a guys chest when doing open heart surgery?

+ Little known fact that just prior to Abraham Lincoln took office he was in Washington DC with his family. One of the biggest causes of death was being hit by a stage coach much like today is motor vehicle accidents. One day Tad Lincoln was out in town and just about to cross the street when a run away stage came through nearly hitting young Tad if not for someone pulling him back at the last second. The person to pull him back to the side of the road and save his life? Edwin the son of John Wilkes Booth.

+ There is good and bad to carpooling. Sure you save on gas expense, wear and tear on your car and you have people to punch when you see a "punch buggy." Bad you just can't pick your nose and wipe it behind the mirror or fart whenever you want to. Note to self: clean off drivers side mirror.

+ There really should be some sort of suicide intervention for furry woodland creatures. Please stop running under my tires! You have so much to live for.

+ There are 171,476 words currently in the English dictionary and 47,156 obsolete ones. I recently took inventory and I know 56 words and most of them are monosyllabic. (Oh hey! Make that 57 and "monosyllabic" is one of the big ones!)


+ No mater how much people say we evolve from apes I must refrain from throwing poo at stupid people at the bar.

+ Dumbest things I heard while on a date with a girl I met off the internet... "I'm not religious but I love Jesus." "I take prescription sleeping pills but there is no drugs in them because they come from a doctor." and the topper, "I need to pick up some Red Bull to take my sleeping pill." Seriously thought about poking her right in the eye! I have officially given up on dating.

+People say money doesn't grow on trees however it is made from trees. So in essence...

+ As a man taking off my boxer briefs and giving the boys a good scratch I can only imagine is the equivalent of a woman taking off her bra at the end of a day. Just a bit more refined. It's not a pretty site, avert your eyes. Trust me!

+ I really need to work on my "O - Face" seriously I want to look so much cooler in that vital
moment. I have no idea how women don't finish the night with a good chuckle at our face. Women's is sooooo much sexier. New "O-Face" training starts tomorrow. I am thinking it should be a build up and culminating in air pistols and a wink.

+ When you take a selfie in your home for Christ sake clean your room and wash your mirror! Simple shit here. And keep your kid out of any provocative pictures.

+ Who is "Sam Hell" and why is he always first to know what is going on anywhere?

+ A note to black comedians all of us white guys are not accountants and lawyers and we actually have bass in our voice.

+ I don't keep a perfect home and usually clean the entire house about once a week unless a female guest is stopping by. In that case I suddenly turn into Mr. Clean.

+ I have never hauled a boat, worked on a farm or towed an 18 wheeler. However I do like Bob Seger's music. Can I still drive a pick-up truck?

Alright that is all I have for now. Rest assure there will be more to come.

Cheers!






Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Don't Ever Give Up!


I found myself wide awake at 3:30 in the morning last Saturday night. Sitting on my couch with nothing to really do but turn on the TV and hope it set me to sleep mode. I couldn't stop thinking about everything and nothing all at once. I know we have all had those restless nights. So I flip on ESPN and the annual Espy Awards are on. The Espy's are awards given to athletes and those around the sports community. Think the Oscars of the sports world. It was at this time they were about to give out the Jimmy V. Award

If you don't know who Jimmy V is that's OK nor do a lot of people. He was a college basketball coach. However that wasn't his claim to fame. He was a National Championship winning college basketball coach at the highest level at North Carolina State and yet again not what he is most known for. James Thomas Anthony Valvano was the middle child of Rocco and Angelina Valvano born and raised in Queens, NY. Jimmy wore his heart on his sleeve every day and it showed not only as a 3 sport athlete but then as a coach for 19 years and then as an announcer for ABC and ESPN. A devoted husband to  his high school sweetheart Pamela and father to 3 daughters. Jimmy V was one of the special ones. With all that said we are just scratching the surface. I knew the story of Jimmy V before this night and how on March 3rd 1993 at the ripe age of 47 he passed away from bone cancer.

Just 2 months prior to his death Jimmy V was given the Arthur Ashe Courage award. Prior to his now epic speech that was highlighted by the words "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." (I can personally feel the chills in me right now.) Prior to this speech he and the powers that be at ESPN set up a charitable foundation in his name in the fight against cancer. Here is the speech given to Jimmy V and even in the moment he is facing all his fears he gets up before this crowd of peers and gives this amazing speech.
 

 
 
Now here I am flash back forward to 2014 and watching as Stuart Scott. Most known for his on screen charisma while giving us the daily highlights of the sporting world is given or I should say has earned the Jimmy V Award. I sit in silence on this night watching a man facing his own mortality give one of the most riveting speeches I have ever seen. If this speech doesn't bring tears to your eyes you might not be human. I cried and I hope you do to. If only to remind you of everything that is really important in your life. Watch as Scott stands before a crowd of thousands of his peers and announces "I'm not special" and just like Jimmy V. before him makes a that same crowd laugh with him adding a touch of levity and even more humanity during what is a deadly serious topic. Stuart Scott, Jimmy V. Robin Roberts and countless others are special for meeting this fight head on. Scott is not "special" for catch phrases on Sports Center or personal appearances at championship games. Look deeper. Much deeper. Now step aside and let the man walk through.
 

 
 
Stuart Scott represents everything that is right. He represents dignity, class, perseverance when faced with amazing adversity. A loyal father, provider for his family and humble to all those around him. I have always enjoyed his body of work but now I can tell you I am just a fan of the man.

The Link below is to give to the Jimmy V foundation. This foundation does great things for people suffering every single day. We all know someone effected by or who has succumb to cancer. I lost a Grandfather. My Grandpa Vaghn was my mothers father and my Grandfather on my fathers side George (Poppop) is now battling cancer as well. I hope you take a moment and give to this great foundation. Every little bit helps get closer to a cure.

http://www.jimmyv.org/get-involved/ways-to-give/

Cheers!

Monday, July 28, 2014

Marco! Polo!

When I was a kid in the pool we use to play this game where one kid would close their eyes and yell "Marco!" All the other kids would yell "Polo" in reply. Every time the kid would yell "Marco" every one else had to say "Polo!" If "Marco" suspects someone has left the pool they can yell "Fish out of water!" and open their eyes. If anyone is out of the pool they are now automatically "it." This annoys the shit out of the adults just trying to have a quiet relaxing day poolside with their beer. However it keeps the kids entertained for a bit till they hear the Mr. Softy ice cream truck song playing in the distance and like homeless people on steroids they come begging for money to feed their sugar addiction. "Come on Mom/ Dad I just want a little, just one scoop!!"

So this past weekend I had a list of things I wanted to get accomplished around the new house. The bulk of the list required going to a Home Depot, Lowe's or something of the like. I had a list of specific things I needed. Such as pads for the bottom of my chairs so not to scratch my hardwood floors in the kitchen and a set of odd sized blinds for my bedroom. Because as much as I love a great sunrise over the lake in the morning that shut grew real old real fast after about the 6th time waking up at 5:30 when I didn't have to be up till 7.

So I got into my Jeep Wrangler and headed down to the local Home Depot. I didn't want this to take all day. Like most men shopping is not my forte and I just wanted to get in and get out of there. Find what I needed and out like a fat kid in dodge ball! I wasn't looking for anything to difficult so this whole operation should be a piece of cake... Right? This next bit was what flashed through my mind:

Get into the parking lot of Home Depot a million spots away.
There are 3 doors and all of them seem to say Exit.
Pick the door in the middle,
Damn wrong one!
How the hell am I suppose to get into this place?
And why are a bulk of the signs in Spanish here in French Canadian Maine?
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Right away I am greeted by someone's grandpa, asked if I needed any help.
His bright white orthopedic shoes are almost distracting.
How wide will my feet get over the course of my life?
I declined. I should have pulled up to the door and tossed him the keys
Telling him to make sure to put it in a good spot
because all those dents happened last time I was here.
Not really. I hit a deer but still worth the giggle.

I made my way to where I thought I should be for the little pads
The kind that make it so you don't scuff your floor.
I can't seem to find them and so I keep on searching.
Up and down each isle.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Power tools, cleaning supplies, shovels.
Perfect section for someone that committed homicide and needed to hide the body.
Next set of isles rope,  lubricants, tie downs and screws
Alright The Depot knows how to party!
Not now though I have to find the stuff I need.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Starting to get frustrated and everywhere there are signs
"You can do it, we can help."
All I want is to find what I need and why are the shelves so dang high?
If you're a contractor do you also need basic rock climbing skills to get everything you need?
I try to find a employee to give me some answers.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I see a flash of orange dart past one of the isles and in desperation I give chase!
Turns out it is just someone that digs the color safety orange.
Why would you wear that if not flagging a road or hunting deer?
Oh right I'm in Maine.
"Marco!" Still no one answers "Polo!"

What seems like 30 minutes has one by
I'm starting to thing I might actually have a need for the set of 16 power tools I saw on the last end cap.
I feel like Moses lost in the desert.
Finally I spot a real live Orange apron.
These are a rare species and I try to move in as not to spook her.
PLEASE don't run! I didn't wear the right shoes for this adventure.
I get close enough to engage her and ask the key question of where to find what I am looking for.
She looks pretty official and has an ear piece like she is a member of the Secret Service.
Kind woman I say where can I find those little pads that go beneath your furniture.
She has no idea if they even have them she has only been here for 2 weeks.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

She directs me to home goods in isle 7. She says to find a guy named Mort.
This is seeming now more like a quest for the Holy Grail.
I get to isle 7 and there is no Mort to be found just 6 guys that all look like Wilfred Brimley
They are all talking about the benefit of florescent lighting.
Am I getting Punked?
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

There is another Orange Apron and this time I stare at him standing mid isle
Another lost soul stands at the opposite end of the isle.
The two of us lock eyes and now the race is on!
We are now mortal sworn enemies in a race to find home god answers.
The first one to get to the apron gets the golden ring
and will be freed from this immortal time vacuum.
My opponent seems to have a slight limp and he has a female in tow.
The advantage is mine however we are both middle aged and they are spry.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I start to break into a speed walk
when out of nowhere 3 competitor repels from the ceiling!
Whisking away our would be savior.
"Marco!" Please for the love of God someone yell "Polo!"

I am starting to get hungry and that hot dog vendor is starting to look like a French chef now!
Marco! Marco! Marco!
I think they are going to turn off the lights and lock the doors soon.
I got here around 11am.
Much like a casino there are no clocks and I think they pump in oxygen.
I have no conception of time right now and all I want to do is go home!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Screw this place I will take my chances and got to WalMart!
Sure whatever I pick up there will break within 2 weeks
But at least I will be gone from this wretched purgatory!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

And then as if standing beneath the North Star itself,
highlighted with a spot light while angles sing!
The little tiny pads I was looking for the entire time!
Oh sweet victory is mine. I am free at last!
Polo can feel free to stick it up his ass I win today!
I battled the elements, time, parking disasters
even overweight people on motorized scooters.
Like a prisoner on release day.
I am going to finally taste the outdoors again and return to family and friends.
"Marco!" Hahahahaha "Screw you Polo!"

Now to find an open register.
Preferably one where someone isn't trying to pay for all the lumber and screws to build a summer home and pay for it with 2 chickens and a donkey from their village.
None in sight. All the registers are on lockdown.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Off to "self checkout" this should be easy enough.
A few bar codes, a couple of buttons and a swipe of my debit card.
Piece of cake right. I am fairly educated and should be able to figure this one out.
Get to the register and start to follow the prompts.
I feel like another race is taking place as the people purchasing the house aren't even halfway through.
I must beat them out the door.
Swipe the little pads by the scanner and now the light on the register is blinking!
You have got to be kidding! Oh this cruel world we live in!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I toss the pads to the side and decide I am no longer meant for this world.
I am going to CVS and picking up maxi pads.
I remember what they said in the commercial
They protect and they are absorbent.
"Fish out of water!"


Cheers!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Bacon Lovers Unite!


Sunday night this week you could have found me in Ogunquit, Maine. A "beautiful place by the sea" as aptly named by the Abenaki Indians. A popular tourist location in the summer months also known for it's fishing industry and beautiful landscapes overlooking the Atlantic lend itself to many artists in the area. Ogunquit is also known for being a LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender) destination. The mix makes for interesting Saturday night in downtown where everyone from conservative straight to the flamboyant gay community come to take in all that the town has to offer.

One of the new spots to the town this year is "Let's Get Bacon." This is a small restaurant on Route 1 in Ogunquit in front of the Admirals Inn. As you may have guessed the entire theme to the place is... (drumroll) Bacon! Under any other pretense the focus on this one accoutrement might be overkill. However this is bacon we are talking about here. Keep in mind people wrap bacon around other meat to make it taste better! Picture the best steak grilled to perfection, good right? Now add bacon. Orgasmic! I bet if men wrapped their peckers in bacon blow jobs would increase exponentially. Too far... OK fine. But seriously bacon can be had in many forms and this establishment seems to do it all.

I started my experience off with the "Flight of Bacon." A plate of all different flavors and types of hog meat. Everything from chocolate covered bacon to Canadian bacon. Two slices of each flavor. By the time I was done with the flight I had to make a trip to the ER for my high cholesterol, but it was soooooo worth it!

So of course I had to steal one of their cocktail menus to share with all of you. When this place says bacon they mean it. They go above and beyond and innovate with their main ingredient. So here is their cocktail menu. Be sure to check them out:

87 Main St. Ogunquit, Maine 03907.
Open daily 7am - 3pm & 5pm - 11pm
(207) 206-2121.

Now check out their bacon inspired cocktail menu.
 
The Loaded Bloody
Bacon infused Vodka/ Bloody mix/ A lobster claw/ Celery Stalk/ Bacon/ lime/ Lemon/ Olive $15
 
Let's Get Bacon Bloody
Bacon infused Vodka/ Bloody mix/ Celery stalk/ Bacon $10
 
Chocolate Covered Bacon Martini
Bacon infused Vodka/ Crème de cacao/ Rimmed with cocoa powder and chocolate/ garnished with a piece of chocolate covered bacon. $14
 
Salted Caramel Bacon Martini
Bacon infused Vodka/ Bacon infused whiskey/ Butterscotch schnapps/ Cream/ Garnished with a slice of bacon and a salty pretzel rim. $14
 
Apple Wood Smoked Bacon Martini
Bacon infused whiskey/ Sour Apple schnapps/ Cranberry juice. $13
 
Eggs and Bacon
Gin/ Basil/ Sour Mix/ Egg white/ Lemon juice/ Garnished with a slice of bacon. $10
 
Let's Get Bacon Martini

Bacon infused Vodka chilled/ Slice of Bacon/ Stuffed olives. $13
 
Bacon Old Fashion
Bacon infused Whiskey/ Maple syrup/ Bitters/ Orange/ Cherry/ Garnished with a slice of bacon. $13
 
Strawberry Shortcake Martini


Strawberry infused Vodka/ Simple syrup/ Cream/ Pretzel crumb rim. $13
 
Key Lime Pie Martini
Vanilla vodka/ Lime juice/ Splash of pineapple/ Grenadine/ Pretzel crumb rim. $12
 
Strawberry Jalapeño Margarita
Strawberry & Jalapeño infused tequila/ Sour mix. $11


 Cheers!

A Tiny Tale

This story is one a lot of close friends have already heard. So to you all I'm sorry in advance. NOW with that said this story still makes me blush just a bit but what the hell it's just plain funny...

When I was in my very early 20's AOL was HUGE. Remember "You've got mail!" and that screeching fax machine sound that goes along with a dial-up modem? If you do, you're old like me... OK moving on. Back during this time I had a friend named Mike. He knew everyone and was sort of an AOL chat room Sherpa. He knew just about everyone and everything about them. I think he spent his days and nights merely talking in chat rooms. Mike also knew me a bit and knew I was a bright eyed bushy tailed kid who was always up for getting a little "stank on my hang low." One night we where hanging out at a bar and we got to talking about our personal bucket lists. A bucket list for those of you who don't know already is a list of things you want to do or see before you kick the bucket (die.)

Well of course there were all the usual things like jump out of a plane, see the world and of course when men get to talking it inevitably turns to sex. Now remember we had more than a few bowls of loud mouth soup in us and what would be normally a fairly easy sexual list (3some with super models, 4 some with super models and one on one with Cheryl Teague) got a bit more twisted. This is when Mike dropped the bomb that he was friends with a midget that loved sex! Holy crap sign me up! My bucket list just got a bit more interesting and twisted.

Now please I am not trying to offend any little people out there. I have no clue what you want to be called if any of you are reading this. I am sorry if I offend any of you as it is not my intent. I know there has been much awareness raised over the recent past with TV shows such as "Little People, Big World" and Then there is always Bridget the Midget stripper/ porn star turning the nation. I am told there is a bar in Pittsburg, PA that if you tip the bartender $50 and turn around with your face up and mouth open a midget comes running out of a gate at the end of the bar with a bottle of shots and pours them down peoples throats. I digress. My point being this story is not meant to poke fun at midgets or little people or those with dwarfism in anyway it just so happens that Mike knew a midget that was DTF (down to fuck) and here I was drunk and all of 23 years old. SIGN ME UP!!!

OK now allow me to explain what goes through the head of a guy, when he thinks about midget sex however has never actually experienced it. Warning this is about to get extremely twisted and dark! You might want to advert your eyes now! Picture the Harlem Globe Trotters and the song "Sweet Georgia Brown" being whistled in our ear as we spin, hop and toss around this basketball with a vagina. Toss her high to the ceiling and catch her on your cock still spinning. These are just a small couple of your mans twisted thoughts. Not just me! Yup that is exactly what first comes to every guys mind. If you are reading this right now with your special someone, just take a look at his face. Is he trying to hold back a laugh? Yup, thought so.





So a couple days go by and I get a Instant Message (IM) from Mike. He let me know that this girl is all set and good to go. Her name is Peaches and she lives about 2 hours away. He gives me her screen name so I can chat with her myself and set up the details. However for all intensive purposes the deal is done! I look her up and we chat a bit and keep in mind his is dial up and people couldn't just take a selfie like they do now on their cell to send a text picture. There was a whole process you had to go through. Take the picture, take it somewhere to get it transferred to a 3.5" floppy, upload the picture and send it which took forever and then download the picture on your end once you got it which took even longer. Needless to say internet porn wasn't what it is now and it took so long to get a picture you just asked what she looked like and took her word for it. Many times it didn't turn out so well but hey that was the internet for you. We were just happy to get that far and 9 times out of 10 we had a story that ended tragically for one of the two sides. So we decided to meet at her plane, again about 2 hours away from where I lived. But again I was 20 something and going to get laid and all I could do was whistle that damn tune in my head all the way there.


Now when I get there I was all set to tear it up! I was so excited to do this and I had built up such a scenario in my head. I wondered what it would be like, should I stretch? Do a few push-ups in the parking lot? Have my camera ready to take a picture of her little hands making my manhood look enormous? I know I wanted to capture that last one. Was there to be a pot of gold at the end of it all or will I at least get a lollipop before I go? So many questions where about to be answered! Just as I got out of my car I looked at the house to see her waiting at the storm door and this is when reality came up and smacked me dead in the face!

So there I am hit with a ton of bricks because the reality of what is about to happen is right in front of me. She is standing at the storm door to her home. The bar that separates the glass below from the screen above is just above her head. She is shorter than that bar and her bigger than life 80's hair is just scraping the bar. She had all the classic midget features, little sausage fingers, large forehead, bow legs and tyrannosaurus arms. She looked nothing like the red, white and blue basketball with a va-jay-jay I envisioned. However Peaches did have a little ghetto booty going on.

She let me in and I sat down on the couch. She turned on some music and brought me some water. I could feel the nerves building as here I am trying to uphold the sexual name of all normal sized people. The last thing I want is her going to a midget meeting and talking about how normal guys can't get the job done. However at the same time I am thinking about the shear geometry of the act and how it will work. I'm 6'3" and 230lbs she was all of 3'9 and I had no clue how this was going to work. I also didn't want to kill her with my penis. I'm not saying I'm huge by any means. I mean I'm a great size but there are vital organs in there and they must be pretty close to the opening. I could feel my palms sweating as I tried to figure out what to tell the EMT after I puncture her lung with Mr. Happy. At that moment she came over to sit next to me on the couch and this is where it all got awkward. If you have ever seen a 2 year old child try to get up on a high couch by face planting themselves on a cushion then rolling up and over till they have achieved a sitting position. Completely out of breath as her little feet dangled off the edge of the seat and legs so short she couldn't bend her knees over the end.

We chatted a bit then she got right to work like a little mongoose. Her little hands worked so fast and I tried so hard to get the music back in my head but every time I looked down she had already advanced to a further point and that ship just sailed. I was so excited I forgot to even take a picture of her tiny hands around my member! The moment of truth arrived as she stood up right at perfect belt level. Time for Charles to put up or shut up and I was determined to bring it home for the tall team!

She asked me if I wanted to take it upstairs to her bedroom? As I watched her yet again struggle with stairs this time again like a toddler climbs steps putting her hands down and one leg at a time on each step for all 12 steps, all I could think is why they hell would a midget own a 2 story home? Why in heavens name wouldn't you go ranch in this case?! Should I help her? I mean she could only weigh about 75lbs max and I can easily lift that upstairs. Would that be condescending or romantic? Would that kill the whole deal. I was already well over halfway there so no turning back now!

Whatever happened next was a bit of a blur now. I mean she was a dynamo and I was not prepared to do some of what she asked for. I tried my best but I am pretty sure I disappointed. I left with a skip in my step and you can bet as I went to unlock my car door I was whistling Sweet Georgia Brown!


 
Cheers!