Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail CharlesTheBartender@Yahoo.com or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Damn White People

Yup, this guy is wearing leg warmers!
There is no question that I'm a white guy. Seriously if you see me in mid summer, I am the guy that looks like Elmer's Glue in khaki shorts and a blue shirt with a glowing red bald head. When Crayola finally invents the color "white guy" I am all but certain I will be the inspiration. With that said it has never been really all that cool to be white. Unless you are one of the Mark Zuckerberg, Shaun White, Tom Brady or Eminem's of the world and even then the cool factor is limited. Being a white guy we are always looking for a way to pull off some level of cool. Shawn White and several others had to follow Tony Hawk in making up sports to achieve cool kid status. Before the X-games existed theses guys where viewed as just stoners without jobs. Now they are stoners with medals...

Not since the Bee Gees and John Travolta has it been cool to be a white guy. Let's face it when was the last time a white guy had his own shoe? Andrea Bargnani was the #1 pick in the NBA draft in 2006 and Andrew Bogut in 2005. I didn't even see them on a Gatorade commercial. Something tells me that there won't be many kids asking their parents for the Pony "Ghost's" this Christmas. LA Gear? Reebok? Anyone?...

All this aside I have been doing some "white people surveillance" and the results have been short of pretty. However after such research I think I may have a few ideas of what not to do in order to help my pigment deficient brethren. I have compiled a list of things we all must either stop at once or take into consideration. If we do this then we have an outside chance at white people finally getting back to the cool column.

+ Putting feet up on the dash board or out the window of the car: There is nothing worse than being stuck in traffic and seeing some ones nasty dirty socks or hammer toes just chilling on the side view mirror. We think we look pretty chill and that all is good. It's not! Your feet stank please pull them back in the car.

+ Ski hats in the summer: It's 80+ degrees outside and you're wearing a knit ski hat. You must be sweltering. I'm sweating just looking at you.

+ Take your kids off the leash: Don't get me wrong watching one of those kids start to sprint toward something they want only to find the end of the leash as they are yanked back by the bungee cord toward a parental unit is hilarious. However, one of these days one of them damn kids is going to get off that leash and bite someone. Then what? Guess we'll just have to do the humane thing and put him down.

+ Pants hanging below your ass: This is how prisoners display they are gay to other prisoners and these clowns are doing it out in public. If you are one of these clowns just know you are constantly on the verge of getting either an atomic wedgie or butt fucked by a very large man at any point in time. Picture it as playing Russian Roulette with your butthole.

+ Being offended: Seriously no one gives a shit. Who or whatever lit the fuse on your tampon, we all could care less. The United States is already filled with whining babies for a ton of silly reasons. Suck it up and deal with it. Life is tough sunshine. Time to hike up the Huggies and drive on kiddo.

+ Airing your dirty laundry or making announcements on any sort of social media: This also falls under the "who gives a shit column."

+ Men in skinny jeans: For goodness sake imagine what you are doing to old Hank and the twins. Like my Pop always told me. Your pants should be a like a fine hotel, plenty of ball room. (Feel free to write that one down.)

+ Survival Shows: Notice you NEVER see any minorities on shows like "Naked and Afraid" or "Alone in the Woods" or any other survival show on Discovery. Actually you rarely see any minorities on The Discovery, History or A&E channels period.  Huh! that was an odd epiphany...  What I am trying to tell you however is that you have a home with a stove and a microwave. We as humans are the top of he food chain. For the love of Christ rejoice in this every damn day! Get back on the grid like the rest of us poor schmucks. The local supermarket has all the food you need just packed with great human growth hormones.

+ Making up stunts and going splat: If you jump off a high building, cliff or any other tall structure you should in no way be remembered in a serious light. We should however make you into a cartoon and much like the Willey Coyote play however you met your demise on a loop at your funeral along with a whiteboard display of the planning of said stunt so we can all have a hearty chuckle at your expense. You're not an innovator nor a hero. You're a dumbass!

+ Shooting up entire groups of people: Every other race gets angry and shoots the person that pisses them off and although I don't condone it, on some level I understand it. White guys get angry and they shoot and blow up EVERYBODY!!! It's gotten to a point where the last time I was at Dunkin Doughnuts there was a white guy in front of me in line. When he started to get upset that he couldn't use a coupon. I saw this guy starting to get angry and I just left. While we're on the topic. If you see any other race running in a direction, run with them! Trust me when I tell you that their instincts for inherent danger is better than yours.

+ Fad diets: Let me get this straight, you're going to be a miserable pain in the ass while losing 8lbs and bragging about it on Facebook. Your "diet" is going to be some crazy menu that makes you feel like a puddle and crap like a donkey on colon blow. Here's a tip. Your 20 year old body is gone. Long gone. Deal with it. Go out and find yourself a bigger fatty that's great in bed and have lots of sloppy sex and eat whatever you want in the process.

+ Vegans, Vegetarians and people into "wellness":  Have you ever noticed people that are into "wellness" look like they are about to die any minute? Listen close to someone who survives on Echinacea root and wheat grass for more than a few weeks. You will hear their body crying out "for the love of God just give me a steak!" Never mind just find me a cow and I will kill it myself when no one is looking and blame it on a Republican!"

+ Running through mud: One of the biggest events in the summer here is something called the "Tough Mudder" This is an obstacle run by soccer moms and 30 something's through the mud. There is no prize for finishing first and everyone gets a medal and a t-shirt for their $40 entry fee and right to run this course. They take a ton of pictures and post them up everywhere so all their friends can give them a big "you go girl!" I keep getting asked to do these silly events. I did something like this already, it was called "Army training." This is where we ran through the mud and under barb-wire and obstacles that simulated a twisted battlefield set forth by a demonic Jenga enthusiast (where there would ever be a battle field this involved is beyond my imagination.) All the while they fired automatic weapons and set off quarter sticks of dynamite around us, in the hopes of teaching us how not to get our ass shot off in a real battle.

+ Kale Sucks: White people let me be the one to carry the torch on this one. It may be a "super food" but it tastes like you are eating grandma's curtains and makes you crap doily's. Congrats you're healthy! You're also completely miserable with your diet. If you need to learn the right way to enjoy food go down south. Places like Arkansas and Mississippi. They may not know their A,B, C's but let me tell you they are fat and happy. They don't even try to hide that they their fat. Go to any diner below the Mason - Dixon line and you might just see a tub of lard on the menu. Deep frying that tub is only .10 cents more. Fat people are jolly. FACT!

+ Target $1 section: Whenever I go to target, I at least make a pass through he $1 section. None of us need any of that crap but for some reason us white people just have to buy it because it is just a dollar.

+ Dropping the N bomb is not OK because you have friends that are black: A few months ago a bunch of us where in a bar here lily white Maine. I think the Black population here is 2 and the Hispanic population here is 7. A guy comes right up to my friend Dereck who just happens to be black and asks him if he can "be a little racist for a moment" Seriously! Dereck looked at me as if to say "does this happen all the time up here?" The little white guy proceeds to tell us an off color joke. We both laugh but not at the joke. We laugh at the fact that have tis same guy tell the same joke in a different place where he was racially out-numbered and see what happens.

+ Picking our own fruit: I think this is suppose to evoke a feeling of accomplishment and make us appreciate the harvest of our labor more when biting into that berry we plucked ourselves. The simple fact is that this is very leisurely work with no real expectation (the complete opposite of a migrant worker.) Then we pay for the opportunity to do so. The whole thing is the agricultural equivalent to a liberal arts degree. It feels like you've done real work when you really haven't.


+ Camping: If anyone else where trapped in the middle of the woods with no electricity, running
water or cooking source it would be considered a worse case scenario. White people watch a week of the Discovery channel and all the survival shows they can and then go voluntarily camping. Let me tell you camping sucks. Nothing about this is simple. Watch as these people load up their Subaru Outback with a roof racks, drive an extended period of time to pay an entry fee to a national park or camp site and begin to "get away from it all." These people are completely unaware of the irony of driving a gas chugging SUV to bring them closer to nature.

+ Starbucks: There use to be a time when men would go into a diner and order a cup of coffee. The guy behind the counter would pull out a cup and saucer along with a large pot of coffee and serve it to you hot and black. Sure there was cream and sugar for you to use but that was all there was to the transaction. Now there is Starbucks and lots of other coffee shops like them. You need to know an entirely different language ridden with words like vente, grande, soy latte and macchiato. I may be one of the worst offenders of this one. I love their coffee. I remember being in the Army and drinking coffee that tasted like sludge but it kept me awake and alert and that is all that mattered. Now I want a coffee and not only do I go for the one that looks like an ice cream Sunday but I suddenly acquire the obligatory gay lisp to do said ordering. Then the bill comes! $8 for a large cup of this caffeinated delight. I swear the last time I went to purchase a cup they ran a credit check for a small business loan. The funnier part here is how many unemployed people hang out in a place like this all day drinking overpriced coffee all the while stealing their WiFi because they can't afford their own for the house.

+ Ed Hardy and Tap-Out! T-shirts: Just because your shirt looks like a tattoo or is produced by a fight club doesn't make you a tough guy. settle down killer!

+ Treating your pets like people: Your dog just finished eating table scraps, bathing himself with his tongue, acknowledging his buddy by sniffing his fart locker and drinking out of the toilet bowl. A dog should be on a leash not in a stroller and no I will not friend it on Facebook.

+ Microbrew beer: There is a new group of assholes in this world calling themselves "beer snobs." Basically a group of guys that got to fat to be pontificating over what herbs and notes are in a glass of chardonnay have now made the jump to beer. It's a beer. Beer is good. Don't be a dick and try to educate me while trying to sound better than be for being able to suck down a harsh IPA. Just drink your beer and catch a buzz like the rest of us. While your at it shave the beard your mouth looks like a overgrown vagina.

Alright that is all I've got for now. So go out there with this new found knowledge and see a Spike Lee movie or something to help further this process. Little by little white people we can get at least a little closer to being cool again.

Cheers!  
 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

What's in a Name



Names are a funny thing. I mean years, months, days or even hours before a baby is ousted from their home of 9 months and rifled from their mothers baby launcher into this world the parents or parent looks at this baby and assigns them a name much like the Social Security office assigns numbers to a child that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. This kid has barely taken it's first diaper monster and already the nurses are hounding the parents as to what name you want on the crib card.

There are virtually thousands of baby name books out there too. Just names! Rows and rows and pages full of names. I'm absolutely jealous of the guy collecting royalties from that piece of American literature.
Standing at a cocktail party and I turn to this well dressed guy and ask "So what kind of work do you do that made you a billionaire? Real estate, stock market, movie producer, business mogul?
Billionaire: I penned "The Big Book of Baby Names."
Me: Fuck you! You make how much every time a couple wants to think of a generic name for their little Throckmorton to be??!!"
Billionaire: Yup! My empire was based on baby names. So what is it you do for a living?
Me: I work my ass to the bone slinging drinks. Never mind I'm going to hang myself.

Some people will name a kid after a family member they love or even in the case of those crazy Christians someone from the Bible. No pressure there to live up to that person. Their entire life will be loosely compared to that name-sake. What if the kid turns out to be a dick? Then that name is ruined forever.

Others wait till the fresh baby is in it's mothers arms before they name it. This seems like cramming for a test at the 11th hour to me. Think about it. There the kid is and everyone keeps asking as they are gathered around the wiped out mother and still wet child. Asking "so what are you going to name it?" Suddenly you are on the clock and everyone is looking for an answer. You start looking around the room for answers as your sweating and thinking. "Tongue depressor? No but a great name to have in mind if he goes into porn. Cotton balls? No, and that is a horrible name unless he goes into gay porn. How about chair? No..."

Some parents have a name in mind then they look at the child and name them right there on the spot! How does this even work? "I was going to name him Jeff but I had one look at him and he was definitely a Tim." Sometimes this work and other times it comes back to bite the kid in the ass. The whole thing is completely unfair. The kid doesn't even have a say in this and people are going to call him/her by a name or it's derivative for the rest of their life. The kid hasn't even formed lasting facial features like a hook nose that sucks up their upper lip every time they inhale, a mono-brow, weird facial hair, a butt chin or even a cool scar.

No matter who you are or how long your name is people are always wanting to give you a nickname. A nickname seems a bit ridiculous to me. My parents named me Charles. I introduce myself all the time as Charles. The moment I do the question is usually asked "So what do you like to be called? Charley, Chuck, Chaz?" What the hell is wrong with Charles? I'm told all the time "Charles seems so formal." Like my name is trying to make them wear a sports coat in a fine restaurant. It's as though they are telling me "Nope I don't like that name! Here are a few suggestions. Try again." We all do it. My ex-wife was Alison although sometimes referred to her as "Soul Crusher." I also constantly called her Al. My Father is Larry. It's monosyllabic already for Christ sake and people call him Lar. How busy are we that we can't take another half second to spit out the extra "ry" to complete his real name. We won't even bother getting into the name Dick being a derivative of Richard" However I will say that it is among the more versatile of names with possible nick names of Dick, Rich, Rick, Ricky and Richey.

I have a pretty crazy last name it's Nedzbala. It hales from the Czech Republic and it means "one without caring" Not like I don't give a shit more like No worries in a whimsical way. Yes, my last name means "Hakuna matata" Pretty cool right?! Although it is bitch to spell over the phone especially and I never had enough empty blocks on standardized tests growing up to fit my entire last name. Not to mention every "basic bitch" who just loved The Lion King has a tattoo of it. I am still very proud of it.


I have to say although I like my first name of Charles my parents really screwed the proverbial Pooch on this one. And they are definitely not alone. Several parents have made this same mistake. My parents where flirting with the name Zeke so thank goodness I dodged that bullet. Guys with names like Zeke walks into high school with a small slit cut  in the waist band of their tighty whitey's. That way when the Bret's and Jake's of the world come to give them their daily atomic wedgie it tears away easier and doesn't do lasting damage to the taint.

The other day I met a guy at my motorcycle license class and he introduced himself as "Hawk." Of course I am sure just like every other asshole I had to ask "Is that your real name?" He then pulled out his license and there it was "Hawk!" Fucking "Hawk" right there in print! Holy crap there is a great name. Right away I thought why couldn't my parents have named me something cool like that? Thanks Larry and Hannah for completely blowing it! Now I don't hate my name but fucking Hawk! That's on a different level.

Already by age 2 with a name like Charles certain jobs where already eliminated from my future. You can't be a Spirit Guide, Rock Star or a Gladiator. Sure you can be one hell of a HR Representative, insurance agent or even in sales but your business travel will be comprised of staying at a Holiday Inn Express and you will definitely own more that 2 pairs of khaki pants. A guy with the name Hawk absolutely owns leather pants and can pull off a kilt to work. He can perform open heart surgery with a screw driver and you never know where the heck he is going and there will never be reservations in his name. Hawk is right up there with names like Magnus and Tiger. With those lames you are bound for greatness or to go down in a ball of flames. You don't ascend into heaven upon death. Satin asks if you want to put together a band and play his birthday party. Then after you can go pool hopping in heaven.


Think about it, Charles asks you to go hiking with him. Fuck that! He couldn't find his own butthole with both thumbs, a map, a compass and a flashlight.Now Hawk is going for a leisurely stroll through a haunted forest in a loin cloth with a baseball bat hoping to find Sasquatch. Hell yes count me in!

My point here is with the right name it gives you a great introduction. I haven't once ever gotten an eyebrow raise when I say my name. Generic names tend to invoke the same result every time. "Oh hi..." But the right name can make panties wet for a mile radius upon hearing it. If I ever get to my last name then I get a little reaction but that is even more of a confused look as though I just cursed their soul in my third world dialect. You tell people your name is Hawk and no nickname is forthcoming forget even having to get to a surname.

So my next question I had to ask was "why are you taking the motorcycle license class. I mean with a name like that I just figured he was born on the back of a Harley Davidson doing 90 miles per hour. His answer was as nirvana as his name. "I've been riding for about 10 years now but I never had a license. So I figured I should just make it all legal finally." God damn Hawk!

I just Googled images of  "Hawk" above is the first picture I got. Then I tried "Charles." Here are the first two that popped up as most popular. A serial killer and a Prince with a giant stick up his ass. Thanks Mom and Dad!




Cheers!


Monday, March 23, 2015

ShaaaaaPOW!



Sorry everyone it has been a minute or two since I have posted anything here and I promise I will do better in the future. Life has been a little in the way as of late. However not to worry I shook that shit off and I'm back in the saddle... or on the keyboard is really more appropriate here.

I was asked the other night to make a drink that was savory and spicy and still a bit sweet. Simple right? Not really seeing as I didn't have a lot of ingredients to work with. Although any bartender will tell you that whenever you go to a party it is inevitable that one or more of your friends will demand you make them a special concoction. As much as I wanted to pull out a Bud Light and pop the top stick a lemon in it and call it genius, I refrained.  Like some weird episode of the Food Network show "Chopped" where the contestants are chefs from around the U.S. compete by making dishes out of odds and ends revealed in the form of a picnic basket and put on a 30 minute time clock.
The conversation as I stroll into the party usually goes a little like this.
Me: Hi, I brought beers is there room in the fridge?
Drunk chick out of nowhere: Hey it's Charles the Bartender! Make us a drink!
Me: OK what do you have for ingredients?
Looking around and seeing a lot of beer and not much else... Uhm we have triple sec, some mustard, a crate of eggs, brown sugar and some beer.... And go!
For some reason I feel compelled to flex my imagination and bartender extraordinaire muscles.

Of course they didn't have the usual bar staples and what I was left to use where whatever I could forage from the sparse refrigerator. What I found and what I concocted has been aptly named "ShaaaPOW!"
- Enjoy!

ShaaaPOW!
This is going to be built along the lines of a Old Fashioned.
Teaspoon of capers
Orange slice
3 dashes of bitters
Muddle
.5 oz - Sweet Vermouth
2 oz. - Spiced Rum
Fill with Tampico (citrus drink or OJ)
Shake without ice
Strain over ice and SHAAAAPOW!


Alright one good drink deserves another and this one! Although this one is not my personal concoction it is delicious and combines savory with just the right amount of sweet. This one is just simply called "Boom Shakalaka!"


"Boom Shakalaka"
Over ice in a pint glass
1.5 oz. Gold Tequila
.5 oz. Simple Syrup
.5 oz. Lemon Juice
3 dashes of Pimento Bitters
Top with Ginger Ale


But wait there's more! Because you bought those last 2 we give you at no extra charge ONE MORE!!! That's right, I said here is one more to wet your whistle! This one is called "Nail Polish Remover." This little doosey is made with Viniq a new to the market moscato wine, vodka and fruit flavor liqueur. If you haven't seen it check out the video of this cool little liqueur below.



Nail Polish Remover Martini
2 oz. Viniq
1 oz. Lemonade
.5 oz. Fresh Clementine juice
Shake over ice and strain
Top with Champaign
 
Now get off the floor and go home!
 

 
Cheers!
 
 





You're Retarded

I know! I know! I know what some of you are going to say... "Charles you can't say "the R word" it's not politically correct. Yeah I know! And yet I am still posting this hilarious video from College Humor.



 
 
Cheers!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

It's a Bird! It's a Plane... No It's a falling Bartender!

This past summer I was asked by a great friend Amy to go jump out of a perfectly good airplane. When someone asks you to go skydiving there should naturally be some immediate questions. However I seemed to channel another friend of mine Bruce and my response to "Hey wanna go skydiving?" Was a mirror to when I asked Bruce if he wanted to go to Montreal on a half hours notice. His and my answer was a simple, "pick me up."

Now I have experience jumping out of a airplane already however it was with the Army. Airborne training however is quite different than skydiving. For one the Army connects you to what they call a "static line." A static line is a fixed cord, one end of which is attached to your parachute whilst the other end is attached to the aircraft. The static line is around 15 feet in length and, as it pulls tight upon exiting the aircraft, it opens the parachute regardless of actions taken or not taken by you.

Skydiving on the other hand your first 100 times or so you go tandem. This means you have some stoner with a degree in "Falling and Gravity" and hopefully a advanced degree in how to pull the emergency chute strapped to your ass. I sat and spoke to a few of them for a little while about the life of a skydive instructor and after a few questions and mildly coherent sentences I was certain I was about to die. Picture an airborne Jeff Spicoli from the movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." These guys life consists of traveling like nomads from drop zone to drop zone and living like gypsies in camp grounds. Where ever the weather will hold up long enough to get their ass in the air. The shower policy is the same as though you where to go camping. Very liberal.


This feeling of certain death was amplified when they explained that because of the wind and that we were only a small group we would be taking a smaller plane up to drop as to save of fuel. When I spied the runway the only other aircraft was the equivalent of a kite. Also keep in mind my good friend Charles Delia just a week before passed away while doing something equally as insane (white water rafting) and he was a few years younger than me. So death was not far from my mind.

Now allow me to speak to you about the fact that it isn't always what you say but instead how you say it. So is the fact with the word "uhm." The word uhm usually means that the person saying it has no clue what they are talking about. However given to the right person in the right place and it can be completely calming. Next time you are in an airplane and your pilot dressed like a hobo with his pants sagging comes over the microphone imagine what would happen if he said "What up bitches?! We about to take this piece up to 20,000 feet then fly straight towards the sun till we bang a left at the Atlantic Ocean and land this pig hopefully n the ground. Peace I'm out!" The following reaction would be anarchy. A mad scramble for the door and to get the hell off the plane. Now say scenario and the pilot with his steely blue eyes, crisp clean uniform and says in his calm, cool voice "this is your pilot speaking and uhm we are about to take the aircraft up to 20,000 feet. We will be crossing through New York and Philadelphia and uhm... enjoy the scenery along the way. Uhm... we should be touching down safe and sound uhm... in about an hour or so." Ahhhhh... You can just feel your sphincter loosen already.

I told you that so I could tell you this about the guy strapped to my backside, while I was waiting to hurl my body out of a moving aircraft. My friend Amy had a little guy from Chili that barely spoke English attached to her. I on the other hand had a big guy from Australia tied to me. Again not what you say so much but how you say it. The little Chilean told Amy she was going to be fine as he stared at her tits. In his defense Amy has a beautiful new pair of Gummy Bears and they are fun to look at. However his voice alone I am certain gave no one piece of mind. Now the Australian could see I was a little nervous and so he comes over and just easily says in his thick Aussie accent "No worries here mate. Piece of piss here really. Uhm... all you got to do is uhm... sit down on the edge and lean your head back on my shoulder here and uhm... I'll do the rest. You just enjoy the ride."  Now I have never found a man sexy, however in that moment...

I digress. Even with this new bit of Australian courage I found myself in a funny spot just before leaving the plane. You see before we made our grand exit we sat on the ledge of the plane with the door wide open and my legs dangling off the side in the air. I have never been big on organized religion. Although in that moment I prayed. I really did. I remember saying silently "I don't know who or what you are. Like the comedian Kathleen Madigan says "With so many religions and beliefs one of us has to be wrong. What if we get to heaven and God is an old guy riding a John Deer tractor like Forest Gump with a "Who Farted" hat?" That will piss off a lot of Muslims and Christians. I remember going on to say I know I have sinned a lot according to my Catholic upbringing however I please forgive me. I asked for the well being of my kids, my parents and grand parents and all my friends and even my ex-wife. All this praying and I didn't once think about saying a prayer for the well being and strength of the big Aussie strapped to my posterior!

Should I have updated my will? I know at last revision I left everything to my now ex-wife. I am also pretty nicely insured and I don't think I want to give her extra incentive to off me should I stick this landing. How do I want to be remembered? I mean who the hell is going to plan my funeral? I should have written some of this down somewhere for someone to find. I don't want a sad obituary either.

OK so some thoughts started to seep in about death. I remembered I wrote down some thoughts on it not so long ago:
+ Death is definitely a real buzz kill. especially if you go out hooked up to all sorts of machines to keep you half alive. We all want to go out in either a blaze of glory, nice and easy while we sleep or just after a great orgasm.
+ No one really knows how to capture your personality in your obituary unless you were a boring do nothing. "Frank died at age 82. He has 3 cats and loved stamp collecting... " SNORE! No one really reads those things anyway unless you are close to the person that died or there is an interesting story. Picture is of some old dude with liver spots sitting there in his hover-around of course that guy is dead. I mean we all have to go sometime. So for my obituary first of all use a good picture and feel free to Photoshop in a few Asian hookers.
+ Now for the obituary itself something like "Charles died at age 41 he liked good booze, loose women and traveling to countries that had weak enforcement prostitution and gambling. He loved his children, family and friends. He discovered East Beckistan and invented yogurt..." Who the hell actually call you out on it? Seriously who would be a dick enough to go check?
+ Now the actual funeral I want it to be a fun scene. I mean if clothing stores in the mall can have a DJ why can't I? All my family and friends will be on the VIP list and can skip the line. Advertise the night for a few weeks in advance. Funeral homes are sad and they suck! Rent a hall, have waitresses with bottle service, get shot girls dressed like total whores and have a Jagermeister promo. What better way to meet Jesus than with a buzz on after a wet t-shirt contest. Feel free to break a few laws and blame it all on me! Sell tickets at the door with the proceeds going to my kids and rent a spot light and a red carpet for the party. Pay for the whole thing by telling them to bill me. Fuck I'll be dead!

The rest of the day was absolutely amazing! While in the Army I had the opportunity to jump out of a plane or two however nothing exhilarating like this. I even think I peed myself a little. The jump was a total adrenaline rush from even before we left the ground. Many thanks to my great friend Amy Ryan and also thank you to God whoever you are for the safe landing.

Cheers!
 


 
 

Saturday, December 13, 2014

New Cocktail: Toasted Tea

Tonight I went out for a drink and ran into someone that was drinking something a little different so like usual I asked him what it was and now I am passing it on to you! This cocktail was created because his friend wasn't able to have anything carbonated and loved amaretto. The taste is out of this world. A cross between sweet peach tea and a amaretto sour. Next time you are at your local watering hole give it a toss!

Toasted Tea
1 oz. - Spiced Rum
1 oz. - Peach Schnapps
1 oz. - Amaretto
Splash of Cranberry juice
Fill with Iced Tea
Garnish with a lemon wheel
 
Cheers!

Friday, December 12, 2014

Online Dating for the 35+ Crowd.

I am no longer ashamed to say that I am a full fledge member of the online dating world. I realize this carries some stigmatism however for me, I'm over it. I have been sitting at the table for far too long. I am tired of walking into a bar and not knowing what to look at or whom. The last time I went out to eat there was no room at the bar so staring at the TV was not an option because the only one was behind me. You can only glance around the room so many times before people think you are staring at them and then the only option is to read whatever you can off your smartphone. Texting while eating is messy and although like your dining with another it just isn't the same.

???
I began writing this piece back in August of this year. The problem was that I just kept running into new material and I wanted time to think about what I was tossing out there into the blogosphere. Believe it or not I actually take time and consideration when I write this crap. I understand Shakespeare I am most certainly not. However I would like to think there is at least some small bits of wisdom to be derived from even my most mundane of thoughts. Every author, poet and songwriter I am pretty certain wants to thing they are inspiring someone and I am no different. So here it is December. The year is just sailing by. I started off 2014 by signing divorce papers on a 14+ year marriage. At times being alone has brought be to some pretty low places. It has also taught me a TON about who I am and what I want for the future.

Also as a side note you will see a lot of screen shot pictures here. These are actual profile pictures of some of the people on the Plenty of Fish dating site. Keep in mind "POF" is a free site and sometimes you get exactly what you pay for. I am under no false pretenses that I too am no prize pig and therefore part of the dating bargain bin fire sale.


Anyone who has ever really known me has also seen a shift in my guarded nature. There was a time in my life where I wouldn't tell anyone a thing about myself that I didn't feel they needed to know. I kept my personal life very personal. Everyone was on a need to know basis and no one really needed to know. Now as my friend Emily from Vermont would say this has been my "year of fuck it!" This is where I seem to be doing just the opposite and won't shut the fuck up even though it is probably best to keep some personal information to myself. I have opened up the flood gates so to speak and there seems to be no going back on that now. 


She not only wants a man...
and she wants to sell her rims!



















2014 has also taught me what it is like to be lonely and that I don't like to be left alone. I like to feel wanted and loved. Sleeping alone is probably the worst of times. I have a body pillow now and I am just shy of giving her a name. Yup it's a her. And trust me if I could just get over that whole dude on dude part I would probably just be gay. However I can't even watch it on TV so I don't think that would translate well to real life. But just think how much easier it would be. I mean the whole 3 date rule would fly right out the window. No worry about feeling shame for just wanting to hit and run or even falling asleep after because you know... we're dudes!


No you can't touch mine. You already broke yours off!
Back to my original thoughts back to August... My point being, I am doing this. Yup, I sat down the other night and started putting together all the things I wanted in a relationship. All the highlights I wanted to see in significant other.  A sort of wish list if you will. I am sure I sounded like a kid at Christmas time sitting on Santa's lap in the mall... "and I want a pony, and a GI Joe with the kung foo grip!" So there I am just pulling up the stool to my workbench in the "build a bitch" workshop. As I am sifting through all the profiles and talking to more than my fair share of women a few thoughts cross my mind. Some of you may find these helpful. Some of you might find these comical. Others will think I am being over the top picky and maybe even overly skeptical (naaaa not me!) I am far from perfect and please do not think for a moment I feel I am without fault. Yes I know Jesus said "may he who is without guilt cast the first stone." However in this case all the windows have been knocked out of my glass house already and now I'm just lobbing a few back.

So I put together a dating profile. You can almost smell the desperation. However I was convinced I wasn't going to waste my time. I was going to put into words all the things I wanted in a relationship and the woman I was looking for. So here is what I wrote:


About me, I think I'm easy to get along with. I've never been one to take myself to seriously. If anything I'm guilty of self deprecating humor and able to laugh about most anything. I don't care what your age is just be ready for a mature relationship. No silly drama, let's keep the crazy to a minimum. I'm a bit of a romantic and not afraid to admit I would love to be in Love. I believe in a man being chivalrous. I learned this from watching my own father and how he still treats my mother.  I open doors even for my daughters so they know what to expect from men when they date. However with my son I pull out his chair just before he sits so he knows to look twice because guys friends are asses! I have manners and my Mother raised with solid values. Although unlike when I open a door for my daughters I will probably give you a pat on the ass on the way through just to prove you have my attention and what the hell it's fun for me too! I try my best to be polite unless pushed otherwise. I'm clean and even use soap twice a month weather I need it or not! I like being active and I'm fairly athletic. I like to play basketball, golf, tennis and going to the gym. The unfortunate part is I also love food so it's a constant balancing act. Sort of like going running just far enough to get a doughnut and walk home eating it. I like to travel and I'm a huge fan of overnights and day trips.

I work a good bit but also make a lot of time for the important things and people in my life. I am a business professional by day and a bartender part time at night. I also have a whole website devoted to all the silly stuff that crossed my mind or I see CharlesTheBartender.com if you want to check it out feel free but be aware it isn't pretty and I tend to be unfiltered and very glib when I write. So please take it all worth a grain of salt if you do read it. Also fair warning: your IQ could drop up to 15 points after reading it. It is fun and earns a good penny so why not.
I'm a single dad and it can be challenging but I wouldn't trade it for the world. My kids are respectful and well behaved. I get along well with my ex and zero baby mama drama.

So I'm looking at this as sort of my wish list. I wanted to rattle off what I'm looking for. I'm sure by the end of this it will be sort of like a kid sitting on Santa's lap... "and I want a pony..." I realize that this also isn't the "Build a Chick Workshop" (sort of like Build a Bear in the mall only with anatomically correct parts.) But I'm hopeful for at least a few of these qualities.

+ Smart, funny, kind, bubbly, etc. I think that is all pretty boiler plate stuff.
+ Likes sports and enjoys working out. I'm not looking for someone that wants to have bigger arms than me or feels it's necessary to arm wrestle. I like when a woman wears a skirt or dress sometimes and if your balls hang out when you do, it's no longer cute. I would love to meet someone into golf or skiing. It's a great way to spend some time outside together. But there aren't many out there that are so I guess someone willing to learn would be cool. Same goes for other sporty stuff.

+ You should be an American not an American't. This has nothing to do with your ethnicity or heritage. This is all about attitude and having a positive outlook. Think positive and positive things will happen... eventually.

+ Someone that likes to smile and laugh. There is just something sexy about a woman with a confident smile. If you are all about saying your life sucks I'm not going to be the one trying to save your wretched soul. Even better when seeing her after a long day. A smile can make it all better.

+ Be a little bit of a girly girl. I really appreciate the sight of a sexy woman in cute shoes and a dress. Although a bubbly friendly attitude makes a woman even more sexy! That doesn't mean I want a Barbie doll in heels and dress all the time, but it does mean that it is something I want sometimes. So every so often if you like to girl it up I will be more than happy to check you out! I have a few functions for work and I want someone hot by my side and then be able to completely be relaxed in jeans and a t other times. Sort of the whole package.

+ Enjoy good food and drinks. I love getting together with friends a couple bottles of wine and snacks by the ocean and life is good. I also thoroughly enjoy good food and trying different things.

+ Have a very healthy sexual appetite. I know they say a mans sexual peak is 18. I beg to differ! I want someone that wants to have fun shaking the sheets and can not get enough. I want to use the word adventurous here for sure! (Yup! I'm a freak!)


+ Be able to hold a conversation and have interest in learning. I have no problem if sometimes one of us just wants to play devil's advocate for the sake of an interesting debate. Open minds make for interesting people. I'm a bartender part time and I learn something new from people there all the time. I want to know all about you and if every other word sentence is "I don't know" or "whatever" then the conversation will be short. Also please have a good command of the English language Intelligence is sexy trust me!

+ Be a lady! I'm not trying to say you must always act like the princess you are however belching the alphabet or any word or phrase doesn't do it for me. Also I understand the need for an open door policy in a relationship, but feel free to close the door when you use the ladies room. There is a plethora of things we as men love to see you do naked, Jumping on a trampoline, wresting in mud, swimming under the stars and kiss another woman are right at the top of my list just to name a few. However using the bathroom... nobody needs to see that! Some things are sexy when you are naked. That isn't one of them. Don't believe me, watch the Seinfeld episode  when he dates a nudist. There is nothing sexy about a lady grunting while trying to open a pickle jar naked.

Murica!
 
+ I'm all about being open and honest. You should be able to pick up my cell anytime and look through it or ever answer it when there is a call if you want. No secrets and no lies. I want a 100% relationship with no walls up. We are going to be a team and that means trust and always having each others back. ALWAYS!
If I type anymore I'll have carpal tunnel and I'm sure you've lost interest long before this point. So if you have any questions feel free to ask. I'm an open book.
 
So there it is my profile for all to see. Then I waited for all the responses to roll in. When I did finally start to see some fruits of my labor the responses where not all that I hoped for. I also have spoken to a few of my female friends about this topic and they also gave me their own horror stories. So after sorting through the rubble, repeatedly shaking my head and then placing my face in my palms while saying "Oh good gracious!" I have compiled some tips and horror stories for both sides to take from. Also mixed in here are pictures from actual women on the "Plenty of Fish" site. ith some of my special captions.

Ladies first:
Just 1 eyebrow

Stop asking "Are you an ax murderer?" Here is a good one that I hear over and over. No joke I have actually been asked this one over the phone before meeting a girl and more than once! I finally get up the courage and summons the words to ask a pretty girl on a date. I realize a girl has to make sure she is safe and I hope my daughters do the same thing or just become lesbians. I would cheer the stars if they became lesbians. It would mean I no longer have to invest in a shot gun and I can completely stop working out! Although I understand wanting to make sure you keep a safe distance until you feel like you really know a guy because there are completely crazy people out there. However stop asking me if I am an "Ax murderer!" Seriously even if I was do you think I would just admit to it? Are ax murderers just that honest?


Ax Murderer: Hey want to meet me for a drink tonight?
Girl: Are you an ax murderer?
AM: Murderer: Yeah! Damn you got me! (giggling)
Girl: Really? (completely relieved at the unveiling of this truth.)
AM: Yup! I was totally going to chop you up into little pieces! Had a shallow grave all picked out and everything too! Oh well I guess now it's all ruined seeing as it's no longer surprise. (looking completely disappointed.) Thanks a bunch!
Girl: Awww come on don't be that way. You really scared the hell out of me.  
AM: Really? Or you just saying that?
Girl: No, no really you came off very Dexter. You know like a nice guy but really creepy underneath it all.
AM: Well thank you! That's what I was going for.  
Girl: Thank God we got that out of the way.
AM: Hey seeing as I can't do that now, want to go for coffee?
Girl: You seem honest so OK!


I can see into your soul!
Keep it Classy - Alright so this one is a tough one for me to let out of the bag just because I like most men LOVE half naked to fully naked women! In all seriousness however if you are wanting to find a deep meaningful connection and develop a relationship based on trust and mutual respect then keep your tits in your shirt! You would not believe how many women post of picture of themselves in various stages of undress or pictures of just their cleavage or their ass and then go on to say "if you are looking for a hook up then move along." Ladies here is a news flash and I am sorry to all the men out there for giving this one away. We are visual creatures! We look at a picture like that the same way we look at the glass case at the deli counter and get instantly hungry for a sandwich. I can freely and openly admit that when a girl is talking to me while her shirt is unbuttoned to her bellybutton I don't even know nor care if she has a head. You are sending us a VERY mixed signal.

I had a friend Melissa that use to say "always think with the end result in mind." Great advice in many facets of life. If you are looking like a hooker in your profile pictures don't expect me to get much further than your pictures. I am more than likely not going to read all your other thoughts and feelings in the "about you" section. I have just seen everything I needed to see!

Carrie: Would you like to see my dirty pillows?

Also men are extremely primal. If we could many of us would go back to caveman times. See us drinking in a bar in our loin cloth and there we spot a woman that catches our eye. Time to make our move. No more need for witty one liners to get your attention. All we would need is our trusty club and off you get drug back to our cave.  The bottom line here is let me unwrap my own gifts (you) when the time is right.


I see dead people.
Above the head camera shots - Almost every girl says they want an honest guy. They are looking for a guy that isn't going to lie to them. Fair enough. So knock it off with the above the head camera shots. The cat is out of the bag and we all know you are trying to hide a double chin! I would rather know up front what I am getting myself into. If you are a big girl God bless you and we still love ya! Hell we sometimes will love you by the pound. But if all your pictures are from aerial I am calling bullshit! If we show up and you look like Princess Leah should be chained to you in a bikini and all your pictures are from above making you look thinner then who is lying to whom?  Your nails are fake, your hair isn't it's natural color and half of it is detachable, you're wearing make up to hide anything you consider a flaw and the weight section on your license is what you wish it was all the time. I get it! But you can now be considered half way in on the witness relocation program due to the many adjustments to your image. Just give us the real you.


Sweet fridge.
"I am not going to have sex with you!" - I would like to think something like this is a game time decision. I didn't even ask you yet! So putting that out there right from the jump tells me there is already a great big wall up between us and makes the whole night awkward. Sort of like being presumed guilty before a fair trial. If he is a gentleman than he will respect you saying no when and if he does ask. The other night I got a message from an older woman asking me if I had any plans for the night. I told her I had none, but was planning to lay low and watch Netflix, and she was more than welcome to come over and split a bottle of wine and watch a movie with me at my place. There was a long pause. When she finally spoke she said "Well I'm not going to have sex with you." What part of that offer said come on over and do a naughty dance on my fun pole?! I realize that men are complete carnal horn dogs. However some of us have couth and respect. If you feel your chastity will be threatened just decline the invite till you feel comfortable.


She likes lingerie by the fire and a tractor.
Find a few decent pictures - I'm sure you are queen of the "selfie" and Princess Duck lips but do you really think that is your best side? In the same breath if you are going on and on about wanting a solid and meaningful relationship and a "real man by your side" as I said previously, then as much as I appreciate the view I shouldn't be able to see all the way to your navel in your profile picture. Men are visual creatures and If you show us a big juicy steak then we will want a big juicy steak!

All that aside there is a great number of you that need a photo intervention. What I mean by that is to have at least one friend if not a male and female friend take a look at what you are about to post. Tell them to be critical. If you are too embarrassed to show your friends then you probably should not be posting it for the entire dating community to see.  Gentlemen you just wait I will be talking about you next. You would be shocked (or maybe you won't) at what people post for pictures. Keep in mind this is what they feel is a good first impression.

Her forehead is pierced!
Older women are just fine - You said you are 33 in your profile and then you got out of the car and looked damn near 60! Did you not think we would see the discrepancy? Do this to me I will promise you upon our meeting that I will pretend to either be a Eastern European exchange student who only knows how to say "Nice shoes, want to fuck?" in English. Or a blind white guy who thinks he is black and has no volume control especially when talking about the "white devil" and how he has kept me down all these years with lots of inadvertent feeling up moments due to not knowing where my hands will land seeing as I am blind. Trust  me when I tell you that an older woman is just fine to most men. It means less stress, zero bullshit and no jumping through silly hoops like most younger women tend to put us through. We love it when a woman knows who and what she wants and lets us know right up front.



Somewhere there is a pissed off rooster.
Even better a older woman will do WAY more in bed! Her body is a finely tuned instrument. There isn't going to be a lot of questions as to what it takes to rock her boat. She might even draw you a diagram. None of this up all night stuff either. Older women have careers not just jobs. They want to be in bed and asleep by a certain time. They look at sex as a mission get in, get out and be in bed asleep before 11pm on a weeknight.








Now onto the fellas...

How to write a profile - So my first piece of advice is on how to write your profile especially in the "About you" section.

1. Don't start it with the old "I'm not good at talking about myself" line. We all know if you get a beer in you suddenly you turn into the equivalent of Al Bundy and talk about the time you scored 4 touchdowns in one game in high school. Your over 30 now and you make noise both sitting down and getting up from the couch. No woman is getting damp thinking she might get to wear your letterman jacket anymore.

2. Use full sentences and proper grammar.  Periods, comma's and question marks. Ebonics is dead and you are more than likely not "hood" so go ahead and tap that spell check button and stop ending words that end in s with z. Also this should be a place to say something about who you are. So unless you are only worthy or 2 sentences, here is a great place to be descriptive.

3. Ask a woman what she wants in a man and 8 out of 10 times she will come back with the following words: smart, funny, honest, successful and real. So keep this in mind when you are writing your profile. Inject some humor, try your best to sound intelligent and definitely keep it real. I feel like the Wizard of Oz here when I say that being smart doesn't mean you necessarily need to have a degree but be up on current affairs and be able to have an opinion on them. Need a little help in that department? You will be surprised what you can learn from NPR while riding in the car. The same way being funny doesn't mean you need to be a clown (they are creepy.) Just smile and don't take your self to seriously.

Time to grow up - With the chances being slim to none and none getting ready to leave town on the possibility of a budding rap career. Jay Z is more than likely not going to be calling anytime soon so feel free to pull up your pants and match your shoes to your belt instead of matching your shoes to your flat brim hat. Something that turns a real woman on is a man with a career. NOT just a job but a CAREER! Here is a list of things that change with dating over 30:

Under 30                                                  Over 30
Being captain of the football team           = Well funded 401k
Cool Car                                                   = Reliable car with great gas mileage
Motorcycle (crotch rocket)                      = Motorcycle (Harley Davidson) = big vibrator on wheels
Polo/ Drakkar Noir Cologne                    = Clean clothes (owns a washer/dryer)
Car sound system with sweet bass.          = Having all your own white teeth

Get the picture? What was important at 20 is of little use to a 30+ woman.

Picture time - Guys I realize you grew up flexing in a mirror because your mom or dad told you are handsome. However, stop with the pictures of your half naked body you monkey! It looks pathetic and desperate. If you are looking for a serious relationship it will not come from a selfie of your naked chest. Ain't no one want to see that! And please no pictures of your junk. Seriously! Let's face it a man's package compared to a woman looks ridiculous. The vagina is such a nice looking package all folded nicely into itself waiting to be peeled back to reveal a beautiful flower. It's self cleaning and pink on the inside. Now look down at your pecker. It looks like God had 10 minutes left before he had a long weekend off from work, was out of ideas and limited supplies. A penis when not aroused looks less like a proud soldier and more like a disabled vet sitting on two old duffle bags.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T! - Believe it or not the pictures here are completely real and are screen shots sent to me by female friends of mine. I have 2 daughters and the very sight of these messages makes me want to buy a stronger gun and another shovel to burry the guys that speak to them like this in my backyard. Here is a great idea next time you go to send a woman a message think first if your mother were to ever read this would she bitch slap you? If the answer is even a remote possibly of yes then tap the delete key

till you're back to square one.

Top 10 ways NOT to start a conversation with a woman.
1. Hey wanna hook up
2. I love you and would love to spend the rest of my life with you
3. What would it take to wake up next to that profile picture of yours.
4. You should let me have you.
5. Nice boobs.
6. The Lord has brought us together.
7. Wanna hook up?
8. Your hot.
9. I have 9 inches and a car.
10. Can I see your feet?

Try this instead:
Hi my name is...
1. I read your profile and I saw you like ... (this shows that you actually have interest and read what she had to say)

So that's it! Now to put a big shiny bow on this posting. I hoped some of this helped some of you. I wish you all nothing but the best weather you are in a relationship or out there trying to find the right certain someone for you. My youngest daughter got flowers and a bracelet from a boy in her school today and she is all a flutter. I hope you and I are able to feel exactly what she is feeling today... I'm off to the gun store and then to dig a hole should this little boy ever break her heart. Then go join Match.com.





Hair gone wild!


Cheers!

Mommy jeans wedgie.
Looking for a "serious relationship."
For your enjoyment, here are a few more of the profile pictures I encountered. Keep in mind these are meant to be a great first impression.








Even the dog wants to get away!





The 80's ROCKED!!!
Look out she's going to twerk!


Any place is a good place to be sexy!










Another dude just looking for love.
"If you're looking for just a hook-up move along."
Let her up before she suffocates on her cleavage!


She just blew a Smurf.
This is a dude!



No clue what she is looking for but she has my attention!

A cougar and a tiger.
Twerk contestants please come to the main stage!

This is one hell of a tuck job.

Her poon lives in a gated community.
Ma'am your boob is slipping out!



Her electric razor has a bag catcher.
Stick your backside in and shake it all about!
 





Send me the video of how this turns out!

 
Step away from the spray tanner!
Role model FAIL!




Mickey has an erection!

Mimi
Just sitting around doing some thinking.


Wanna hangout? NO!
That could not been what Jesus meant.
Why the bridge?








Doesn't care what you say she is a fucking princess!
Groucho Marx
When Groucho does your eyebrows.
 

So a duck goes into a tanning booth... Let me know if you have already heard this one.