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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Love or Something Like it

All of us are afraid to fail. Those who say they are not afraid to fail have never tried so of course there is no fear. My topic today is one of love. Yes, I know many a man have tried and subsequently failed in this arena, current company included and I adore love. Deep down even though I may not show all my cards and gush with love, at the end of the day I want to know I am truly loved as I think all of us do in some form or another. So although completely disjointed here are a few thoughts I have managed to put together about this very complicated topic.

As men we are classically trained to present ourselves as a rock or island that can live on the barren tundra free of feelings, caring or even (gasp) love. So we set up  people to be our "safety nets." Going through life with a "safety net" is not truly putting yourself out there. The best example of this is the guy that tight rope walked across Niagara Falls. If that guy used a net to keep him from harm the feat would have never drawn the number of viewers it did. The cheers would have been less than half of what they were and even the performer himself wouldn't have had the bragging rights he does today. Never having to worry about the fear of falling gives no incentive to try to hang on when it gets tough. Having these "safety nets" gives us an easy out. Yes, I realize there is still some pain involved when there is a net however complete ruin is not eminent. Having others in your life that you know are just waiting for you to fall so they can be there to collect any morsel of attention will just take away from your real objective. Cut them loose and you will find that you will learn to embrace your feelings and fears.

Please don't get it twisted. I am not a love or relationship guru. I'm certainly no expert nor do I claim to be. I'm merely a guy with an opinion. This opinion doesn't even come from someone that has been steeped in successful relationship history. If anything quite to the contrary. I've been sacked and dumped on my head more than the Cleveland Browns quarterback. However throughout this adversity I still believe much like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy that Cupid is still out there. You see my feeling is that we all have at least some sense of what we want. Early on in life we tend to chase that ideal not realizing that love can be packaged in so many forms. We tend to place a high priority on ethstetics and look less at the overall presentation. Some of the best people I know are completely hideous to the eye. Yes, I said it and beauty is completely in the eyes of the beholder. All I'm trying to say is that if Hugh Hefner were to be that judge then there would have been an execution on the books in their case. Even funnier is that I know for a fact that I am not a great looking guy and yet I am constantly chasing love in people far greater looking than I an completely pooh-poohing on those that are really my equivalent just due to an inflated opinion of who I think I deserve.

Just think how much easier it would be if we were all upon getting our licence where put before a review board and assigned a number based on our attractiveness. This number is then placed on your licence or maybe it already is. Who the hell knows what is in that bar code on the back of your state ID. The rules then will be simple. You can only ask to date people within 2 points higher than yourself. If you are however you can date as low as you wish. Alternately if you have any sort of plastic surgery then you are more than welcome to petition the board at any time to review your current number up to 10 times in a lifetime. Although each time you petition there is a fee assessed to the petitioner and each month per state this pot of money will be raffled off to a group of people considered less fortunate however deserving.

Alright that was meant to be a joke. Although my point here is that in order to find love we have to be open to looking around corners and under veils. Willing to not let our own selfish agendas get in the way of real love and caring because once you have been there and done that, the people that did care maybe tired of waiting and gone for good. Life is meant to be shared and this is why we have so many people with us on earth to create relationships with.

So now at the risk of sounding completely preachy as though I haven't already. I present to you the bottom line. Learn to let go of those "safety nets." The closing of any good book is always bittersweet. On to the next is a hard lesson to comprehend. Letting go of the past and learning to move on to the next chapter is not easy to do. Understand that placing one foot in front of the other is the best way to start to move in the direction you wish to be. This is especially tough when looking into the dark hallways that can represent your future. Not knowing what lies ahead is far more frightening that falling back on what or who you know is always there even if they are there for all the wrong reasons. When it gets too hard just breathe deep and push on. There is love out there for all of us. Once you find it cherish it just in case there is an expiration date.


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Just a few Observations in This Crazy Life

As of lately life has not allotted me a ton of time to just sit with my thoughts (scary thought in and of itself.) Then transfer those thoughts to coherent sentences to be read by all of you here. But I have learned more than a few things and I really want to share them with all of you so that leads me to creating one of my normal disjointed random lists. So here in no particular order are a few things I have learned in the past few months...

+ Never trust anyone that doesn't own a TV.

+ People that answer the question "what's up?" With "making that paper!" Are almost always flat broke.

+ Best way to figure out who your true friends are is to tell them you have no money before you are suppose to go out.

+ Women that see other women wearing the same dress as a function are by rule mortal enemies. Guys that see other guys wearing the same tie are drinking buddies for the night and at he very least Facebook friends for times when they are in the same town again so they can put on that same tie and be drinking buddies all over again.

+ A knot tied in the rain never comes undone.

+ Buy a homeless man some fish he will have bad breath for a very long time. Teach him how to fish and he will probably steal your fishing pole and tackle box.

+ No one openly admits to eating McDonald's. Over 80 Billion served and I guess it's just me eating those double cheeseburgers.

+ If you can't see your toes never mind touch them. You probably should not wear yoga pants. We all know they are comfortable but your not fooling anyone.

+ I am not cool enough by far to go within 50 yards of an Abacrombie and Fitch retail store. I am barely passable for an American Eagle Outlet store.

+ No man should ever wear skinny jeans no matter how hip they are trying to be. If you truly want to be ironic wear a fanny pack and get a barbed wire tattoo around your bicep. Both options are far more healthy for your testicles.

+ "Old school hip hop" is less than 5 years old anymore.

+ Anyone that says "back in the day" should be over the age of 30 under the threat of a atomic wedgie.

+ If you shop at Target you are no better than someone that shops at Walmart. Get off your high horse and deal with the shame like the rest of us by drinking their cheap wine.

+ The bank is not "stealing your money." You just have no clue how to manage your checking account. Switch to a savings account without a debit card and you will be amazed at how much you end up saving without the constant temptation of having money in your pocket.

+ Joy rides are fun until your ass gets sore or you can't find a gas station.

+ Yes, your government officials lie to you. Get over it.

+ Teeth make terrible bottle openers.

+ Don't bother guessing at the following objects: vacuum bags, sanitary napkins for your significant other, pants size of your wife or girlfriend, weight of anyone, weather or not you have milk in the house when you need it or what size battery something takes. You are more than likely to get these things wrong and the fallout might brutal.

+ You should always have a napkin when you eat.

+ Movie popcorn butter only reaches the top quarter of the bag.

+ Next time someone tells you to guess their age. A great litmus test is to yell "Stop!" then see if the subject thinks it's "Hammer Time," if they collaborate and listen, or do it in the name of love. Depending on their answer guess accordingly.

+  No matter how bad your job sucks just remember someone has to push the shovel behind the elephant at the circus.

+ Tip the guy who is going to tie the Christmas tree to the roof of your car. $5 can drastically change the fate of your holiday.

+ Never trust the time table on a box of laxatives. Those guys fucking lie just to satisfy their own sick and twisted senses of humor.

+ A birds eye view looks like a target to them. Avoid large packs of birds.

+ If you need to fart while on a date, be sure to take a second lap around the car after letting her in otherwise it will follow you in.

+  When a girl calls you "Daddy" during sex it can be hot. Call that same chick "Mommy" and it is instantly creepy and the game is over.

+ People that shoot first and ask questions later are terrible interviewers.

+ 9 times out of 10 when someone says "work with me here." It actually means "Just do what I tell you to do and shut up."

+ Rabbits jump and they live about 8 years. Dogs run and live approximately 15 years. Turtles do a whole lot of nothing and live for 150 years. Got it?

+ God only gives us what he thinks we can handle. Apparently my God thinks I'm pretty bad-ass.

+ Mental hospitals will not give you the tour of the "squishy rooms" unless you have immediate plans to reside there.

+ No matter how good that chap-stick smells do not eat it. You will be disappointed.

+ Rarely does the phrase "take it Bitch" yield a positive result.

+ Measuring your penis is a lot like menus in a pricey restaurant. If you have to check you don't have enough.

+ Friends are a lot like snowflake. If you pee on them they tend to disappear.

+ Nothing good ever comes after you say to same one "Dude hold my beer." Except for a well timed ambulance.

+ Whatever it is you are about to do, think about it first. If then it still seems like it will be funny then go for it.