As of lately life has not allotted me a ton of time to just sit with my thoughts (scary thought in and of itself.) Then transfer those thoughts to coherent sentences to be read by all of you here. But I have learned more than a few things and I really want to share them with all of you so that leads me to creating one of my normal disjointed random lists. So here in no particular order are a few things I have learned in the past few months...
+ Never trust anyone that doesn't own a TV.
+ People that answer the question "what's up?" With "making that paper!" Are almost always flat broke.
+ Best way to figure out who your true friends are is to tell them you have no money before you are suppose to go out.
+ Women that see other women wearing the same dress as a function are by rule mortal enemies. Guys that see other guys wearing the same tie are drinking buddies for the night and at he very least Facebook friends for times when they are in the same town again so they can put on that same tie and be drinking buddies all over again.
+ A knot tied in the rain never comes undone.
+ Buy a homeless man some fish he will have bad breath for a very long time. Teach him how to fish and he will probably steal your fishing pole and tackle box.
+ No one openly admits to eating McDonald's. Over 80 Billion served and I guess it's just me eating those double cheeseburgers.
+ If you can't see your toes never mind touch them. You probably should not wear yoga pants. We all know they are comfortable but your not fooling anyone.
+ I am not cool enough by far to go within 50 yards of an Abacrombie and Fitch retail store. I am barely passable for an American Eagle Outlet store.
+ No man should ever wear skinny jeans no matter how hip they are trying to be. If you truly want to be ironic wear a fanny pack and get a barbed wire tattoo around your bicep. Both options are far more healthy for your testicles.
+ "Old school hip hop" is less than 5 years old anymore.
+ Anyone that says "back in the day" should be over the age of 30 under the threat of a atomic wedgie.
+ If you shop at Target you are no better than someone that shops at Walmart. Get off your high horse and deal with the shame like the rest of us by drinking their cheap wine.
+ The bank is not "stealing your money." You just have no clue how to manage your checking account. Switch to a savings account without a debit card and you will be amazed at how much you end up saving without the constant temptation of having money in your pocket.
+ Joy rides are fun until your ass gets sore or you can't find a gas station.
+ Yes, your government officials lie to you. Get over it.
+ Teeth make terrible bottle openers.
+ Don't bother guessing at the following objects: vacuum bags, sanitary napkins for your significant other, pants size of your wife or girlfriend, weight of anyone, weather or not you have milk in the house when you need it or what size battery something takes. You are more than likely to get these things wrong and the fallout might brutal.
+ You should always have a napkin when you eat.
+ Movie popcorn butter only reaches the top quarter of the bag.
+ Next time someone tells you to guess their age. A great litmus test is to yell "Stop!" then see if the subject thinks it's "Hammer Time," if they collaborate and listen, or do it in the name of love. Depending on their answer guess accordingly.
+ No matter how bad your job sucks just remember someone has to push the shovel behind the elephant at the circus.
+ Tip the guy who is going to tie the Christmas tree to the roof of your car. $5 can drastically change the fate of your holiday.
+ Never trust the time table on a box of laxatives. Those guys fucking lie just to satisfy their own sick and twisted senses of humor.
+ A birds eye view looks like a target to them. Avoid large packs of birds.
+ If you need to fart while on a date, be sure to take a second lap around the car after letting her in otherwise it will follow you in.
+ When a girl calls you "Daddy" during sex it can be hot. Call that same chick "Mommy" and it is instantly creepy and the game is over.
+ People that shoot first and ask questions later are terrible interviewers.
+ 9 times out of 10 when someone says "work with me here." It actually means "Just do what I tell you to do and shut up."
+ Rabbits jump and they live about 8 years. Dogs run and live approximately 15 years. Turtles do a whole lot of nothing and live for 150 years. Got it?
+ God only gives us what he thinks we can handle. Apparently my God thinks I'm pretty bad-ass.
+ Mental hospitals will not give you the tour of the "squishy rooms" unless you have immediate plans to reside there.
+ No matter how good that chap-stick smells do not eat it. You will be disappointed.
+ Rarely does the phrase "take it Bitch" yield a positive result.
+ Measuring your penis is a lot like menus in a pricey restaurant. If you have to check you don't have enough.
+ Friends are a lot like snowflake. If you pee on them they tend to disappear.
+ Nothing good ever comes after you say to same one "Dude hold my beer." Except for a well timed ambulance.
+ Whatever it is you are about to do, think about it first. If then it still seems like it will be funny then go for it.
Cheers!
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