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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Just Like One of the Guys

The line "I'm just like one of the guy's" is one all of us have heard spill out of women's mouths time and again in order to sound like the cool chick. 

Let me clue all of you in that have said this before... No! If I had a newspaper handy I would roll it up and swat you on the nose with it. No! No! No! you are most certainly not just like one of the guys and trust me you certainly don't want to be treated like one of us. Take a step back from the utopian belief and see how us men treat our even our best of friends.

Even Something as simple as a nickname between guys becomes something ugly. Ladies you like when your man calls you those cute pet names like "Sweet Heart," "Baby Girl" "Honey," "Peaches" or something as endearing as "Sugar Britches" well you could forget all about those. You see as men we find whatever is our weakness, mistep in life or worst attribute and this is our new name for you. I can tell you I have a friend named Mike who went missing for a bit because he got married and had a couple of kids. He just dropped off the map and we heard through the grapevine he was in a car accident. He has been known as "Dead Mike" ever since he turned back up. Be just a little overweight and seen one time with your shirt off your new nickname is something like "Skinny," "Grimmace" or "Jimmy Doughnuts"  That's enought to drive most women straight to the corner of Binge Street and and Purge Avenue. Think about if you were just one of the guys and just once you let out a fart completely by accident. Your now known as "Smelly Sally." Actually I know one of those and that fart was definitely NOT an accident!

Ladies when you get sick from imbibing a bit too much wine you have your sisters there to circle the wagons and take care of you. Sort of like a team of super heros. Everyone has a job and they all come out of nowhere. It usually starts with a couple of girls coming in to run interference and get you away from the creepy guy that has been feeding you drinks all night. another two shuffle you off to the bathroom one to hold your hair and another to rub your back while they both tell you that you look just fine and no one saw you flash the entire line of guys waiting to get into the mens room. G-rated and none of them would give anyone even the inkling of what the night turned into. Then there is the runner. Her job it to get things like water or crackers. She also plays an intrical role in getting the rest of the troops together and out to the get away car. If there are any others looking like they are about to make time with a nice young man she is also known by us men as the "we gotta go girl" or "cock block. This girl is usually pretty simple to spot as she is also the one that every guys "wingman" has to distract in order to make our night a success. If not given sufficient
attention the "cock block" will turn your night to crap as she utters the words to you potential suitor "we gotta go Tina is getting sick."  Last but not least is the driver. She has drank only a half beer during pregame and a total of 2 shots and milked a vodka cranberry the rest of the night. They drop you off at your home safe and sound and even make sure you make it to your bed. Set you up with a cool cloth, a waste bucket just in case and tell you all will be fine in the morning. Even the next day they all check in on you with a text or call.

Now men with the same senario. You once again are completely hammered. We too all have jobs. First we have the staff photographer whos sole job is to start taking cell phone pictures of you and posting them on Facebook. Then the Coach. He is the one that starts giving you advice and pep talks on how great you look and how you are the man for taking another shot! He also tells you through giggles that the woman
you are talking to is hot. Even though she in much larger than you are and so much lip hair that when she sneezes she looks like a party favor. Now when you head back to the bathroom alone your friends take your wallet and pay the tab and then some for any cute girls in the vacinity. The only time your friends do come to the bathroom to check on you is when they have to pee and that is simply an over the shoulder "You OK bro?" If they do ever hold your hair it is just to give you a celebratory swirly. Our driver has been drinking all night but it's OK because he tells us it was just Bud Light which is just like water and he can handle his liquor unlike you who in his modest opinion is a complete pussy! Now there is the Commisioned Artists. Their job is draw, doodle and write all sorts of humiliating names and let's not forget about the fake mustache while you are passed out in the car on the way home. Finally there is the Ejection team. These are the guys that have the honorable task of kicking you out of the car shortly after giving you an atomic wedgie and upon ejection do doughnuts on your lawn while blowing the horn leaving you somewhere near your front door for all to find you in the morning. The whole team reassembles the next day to ask how you are but also to recount the entire night back to you along with video proof that the chick really was a dude.
While we are on the subject maybe you do have a lot of friends that are guys. However I can tell you with pretty solid certainty that most of them want to sleep with you if given the opportunity. The ones who don't are more than like gay and they still want to see your boobs and the others have already slept with you gotten sick of your crap but would still take a one timer if offered. Get drunk with any one of these guys and I all but garantee you wake up with your bra re-hitched crooked and your pants undone. Your only saving grace will be if you wear your special period panties that night.

So the bottom line here is unless you can pee your name standing up in snow without getting any in your sock. Are a ringer at an otherwise male dominated sport or remaking a great 1980's movie. And even then you are NOT one of the guys! Embrace the fact that you have a utterus and enjoy your fruity tasty drinks in public without people questioning your gender or sexual preference.


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