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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

It Feels So Damn Good!

I realize that most of my blog posts are a touch more on the sarcastic bastard side of the coin. Rather than the touchy, feel good, hopeful individual that is normally me... No that's sarcastic too. Allow me to try again.

Take 2: Today I will allow you all to see my warm fuzzy's ... Well that just sounds perverse.

Take 3: Normally I'm an insensitive prick but not today! Oh yeah this seems to be headed in the right direction now. For today I will show you a side rarely seen by the public. You see beneath this tough exterior lies in waiting a soft chewy center... Damn Milky Way commercial, allow me to get back on track. Beneath this gruff exterior is a warm, caring and yes sometimes even sensitive interior.

I realize some of you may be skeptical when it comes to my claims of my nurturing ways. I will remind you all that during my summer vacations while in high school I did over 1,500 hours of volunteer work. Yes it may have been mostly due to the fact that my Mom didn't want my fat ass laying around the house all summer driving her nuts that she sent me packing daily with my father to his place of work. I also may have continued to do this because there was a great basketball game every lunch hour that allowed me to do what I loved the most. But still I did a lot of volunteer work damn-it and I even earned a scholarship for my efforts. True story!

Alright well getting back to my warm sensitive self. As I sit here sipping on some cherry bourbon and pondering life. I started to think about all the things in life that are just plain good. I decided to make a list of all these things and in no real order but just a list. Now keep in mind this is still from my point of view, a man's point of view so some of these man not be relevant to the women folk who may read/ skim this blog. If nothing else this proves I do have a soul and I'm not ALWAYS an asshole. Just sometimes.

1. The smell of a great meal in the oven. 
2. The feeling you get when you know someone has got your back. 
3. Just to be content, even if for just the moment.
4. Sitting around a bonfire with a great drink.
5. When you know you look good. 

6. The curves of a great woman.
7. A completely real and hardy laugh. The sort of laugh that makes your cheeks hurt, cry and possibly pee a little.
8. Completing everything on your to-do list.
9.  Knowing you made someone else's day.
10. Orgasms: need I say more? 

11. Orgasm with someone else and making their day! 
12. Learning something new and being able to regurgitate it at a time that makes you look really bright. 
13. Afternoon nap on the couch on a cool fall afternoon with a full belly. 
14. Being in love. 
15 When a woman buries her head between your shoulder blades.

16. A real hug.
18. A hot shower after a tough workout. 
19. Knowing your girl is wearing something special underneath her clothes that is going to excite you. 
20. Someone you respect telling you that you are a good person. 

21. The perfect fitting suit.
22. Brand new socks. 
23. Sitting on the beach as the sun goes down with a bottle of wine and a snack. 
24. Getting off your feet after being on them all day. 
25. A soothing touch when all seems to be in disarray.

26. Getting paid what you think you are worth. 
27. The look of a short skirt, thigh highs and heels. (I might need a moment here to go back to #10.)
28. Being around great friends.
29. Finishing a crossword puzzle by yourself. 
30. Mind blowing sex that leaves you breathless and more connected with someone than ever before. 

31. That moment you realize you are in there and going to get sex soon. 
32. Giving without needing anything in return simply because you can. 
33. Hearing your song that you know all the words to. 
34. A drive with the top down on a sweet day. 
35. Cuddling. 

36. Understanding what needs to be done and doing it. 
37. Getting recognized for a job well done if even in a small way. 
38. Winning!
39. Finishing a good book. 
40. The lingering scent of a woman. 

41. Going on an adventure. 
42. Being "The Man."
43. Just chilling. Being able to take lazy to a whole new level. 
44. Sleeping in on Sunday and giggling when you wake up because you remember what you did Saturday night. 
45. Having money in the bank.

46. Cool grass on bare feet. 
47. Packing a bag for a weekend of crazy with a fun group of people. 
48. The moment you cross the Canadian border. 
49. Finding $5 in a pocket of something you haven't worn in awhile.
50. Fitting into something you didn't think you could anymore. 

51. Ice cream on a summer night. 
52. Clean sheets on your bed. 
53. Paying all your bills and having money leftover. 
54. When someone shows them self to be a new and real friend.
55. The first cup of coffee for the day.

56. Chilling in a hammock.
57. Ice cold beer and pizza.
58. A great stretch. 
59. Back scratches
60. A great big burp that settles your stomach and makes room for more tasty goodness.

61. Quality time with friends and family. 
62. Getting to the next level of Angry Birds. 
63. Just knowing when you are right. 
64. Randomly finding one of your favorite movies on TV. Far better than when you put it in your DVD player no matter how many copies you have of it. 
65. Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and milk.

That's all I have for now. I am sure you all have some more to add so please feel free to chime in. Until next time I wish nothing but good feeling to you all. Except the non-tippers. Those dirty little pricks suck and can bite me then burn in hell!


Friday, August 24, 2012

Jugment Free at the Gym


This past year or so I have been working on trying to pack on a little muscle. Since I have made this brilliant transformation from the physique of a Pez dispenser to fat kid over the past few years I have made a conscious decision to no longer have a chest resembling the women in my immediate family (sorry Mom and Nikki.) I do this semi-daily torture to myself most of the time at a local Planet Fitness. A place that prides itself on being a "judgement free zone." This got me thinking a bit, mostly during my workout.

Isn't the whole reason we go to the gym is so when we are done with our workouts we can sit back and judge everyone else around us? Be it at the mall or at your place of business. How great does it feel to be able to look at someone else and think to yourself if not out loud. "I look better than that slob." I mean look at that guy over there. Do a sit up every once in awhile pal!

I eat one healthy meal in a day and suddenly I feel like Richard Simmons incarnate just not with the silly shorts. Look at Richard even though. Of course he looks in shape. Every time we see him on video Sweating to the Oldies he is surrounded by the 300 lb club or on Good Morning America he always seemed to stand next to Al Rocker before the lap band surgery. I'm damn near certain if you grilled his managers they would confess there is a rider in his contract to never be placed in public next to anyone at least the size of Sally Struthers.

Women, I'm sure there are some of you that say I don't care how I look when I workout I only do it for me. Yeah, so you can look down on all the other poor shlubs out there with muffin tops, rocking sweat pants when they are not in the gym. These are the same women that forward the people of WalMart website to all their friends and after they check it out walk a little taller. 

Side note: If you have not seen this website you MUST check it out.

While I am on to the women I would like to thank Little Miss Nipples for showing us all that your breasts are still very perky. Now how in Gods name are we suppose to take anything you say seriously as you curl 10 lb dumbbells. Even worse every time you cross my path I want to yell "I think the turkey's are done!" Or keep asking her "Are you pointing to me or to that guy over there?" Extra points to you for showing us all your sweaty moose knuckle while doing crunches in tight yoga pants. Yes it is extremely awkward when  we make eye contact through some odd mirror triangulation but thank goodness those mirrors and great lighting exist so our own sense of shame keeps us in check. Do you realize how hard it is to do lunges with a raging hard on?

While we are on the topic of women and their workouts I want to meet the outstanding beautiful individual that came up with the idea of the "Vaginator" workout machine. Whoever came up with this is sheer genius. The woman goes and just like her last OBGYN visit places her feet in the stir-ups. Then proceeds to workout what I can only believe are her vagina muscles in front of the entire gym. Thank you Jesus!!! There have been occasions where I almost have had to ask if my membership rates are going up due to this daily show. If you are a guy and attempt this machine stop yourself now. You should ceremonially be subjected to bitch slaps by every heterosexual male in the gym and kicked in the junk by any lesbian within 50 miles of the place.

Now to the guys. If you are the kind of guy showing up at the gym to workout with 3 or more of your "workout buddies." First of all that is a sweet tribal band around your arm and by all means use a bit more bronzer. You don't look fake tan enough. Second turn down the Rocky sound track in your headphones and stop throwing punches in the air while doing situps. You almost knocked out Nana while she was on her way to the elliptical machine. Finally you don't have to keep telling us you were on the wrestling team in high school, we can already tell by the Tap Out shirt that is 2 sizes too small. Now quit this gym and go buy some baby oil and a singlet already. Get on the mat on all fours and have your pals one by one mount you from behind. The winner is the guy who pins the other down for a 3 count or looses his anal virginity first.

Every gym seems to have the "your doing it wrong guy." He's the muscle bound guy who comes around telling you how your form is all wrong or how you can maximize whatever exercise you are doing completely unsolicited and without a single credential or shred of education backing him up. The only thing that makes this guy qualified is that he has a yearly subscription to Flex Magazine.  Where was this clown when I was trying to score with any woman that would give me the time of night in high school? I can only picture him tapping on the steamed up car window prepared to share his pearls of wisdom while I was clumsily fumbling with her bra hooks as he tried to explain how the clitoris is sort of like the primer on the lawn mower and if you work with it a bit and the vagina doesn't turn over not to kick it like the aforementioned mower. Oh, and that flooding in this case is actually a good thing.

The bottom line to all this is get to the gym. At the very least it's a fun place to people watch and while you're at it lift a weight or two. Then take pride in your judgement of others. It is bound to happen to even the best of us.


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Maine/ NH Relationship

As most of you know I am a brand new "Maine-iac!" If you have never crossed the bridge into my state of residence then I don't expect you to understand. I make this drive from Maine into New Hampshire a few times a week. As I am crossing over from Kittery, Maine and descending into the depths of the my weekends equivalent to Dante's Inferno cleverly hidden, tucked away nicely in the quaint city of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, the words of Juston McKinney are usually ringing in my ears. If you have yet to see this guy be sure to check him out at


Saturday, August 18, 2012

Irish Trash Can

This sort of thing happens to me and probably every other bartender out there all the time. Someone comes up to your bar and says "Do you know how to make a ...?" When you say no their reaction is one of almost discussed and say something along the lines of "and you call yourself a bartender?" Sort of the same way whenever I toss something at the trash can and I miss someone says "I thought you played basketball?" Yeah and the last time I was on a court I can't remember tossing a empty Sprite bottle at a square basket, but yes I play ball too.

Like I can remember every hokie name for every fruity drink ever invented. Seriously it's as though some mad scientist sits in his basement with every fruit juice and liquor imaginable and with each little change in mixture comes up with a new obscene name just so little miss Sally Short Skirt can come to my bar and play stump the bartender with names like an "Upside down shirtless whore" or a "twisted hammer toe." names so obscure just to make sure the name itself lends no hint or help to the one building the drink. Screw finding a cure for the common cold or cancer. Let's hook up every white liquor known to man and see just how annoyed we can get the local booze jockey. Here's a tip 9 times out of 10 if you come to the bar with a goofy name like that not only do we not know whats in it, but neither do you and we are just going to go and make some shit up and pass it off as what you asked for. Even better when we answer "no, how do you make one of those?" You have to go to the internet on your smart phone while the line behind you backs up to the door so you can find it on your 2G network in time to watch all our business go to another bar.

Yet I digress... This past wondrous Friday evening I encountered a young woman named Andrea. She wanted something called an "Irish Trash Can." She explained to me she was Irish so it was OK for her to order it. The same logic as saying it's alright for me to be racist toward Asian people because I own a wok. Ah the intelligence of the American future seems to be in solid hands. When I asked her what was in this concoction, as luck would have it she had no idea but she did have a smart phone. Passing up the obvious joke of smart phone in a dumb girls hands, my next question was why she felt the need to drink something of this magnitude. My answer was as clear as how many seeds this delicate flower has taken to her garden. "Cause it's awesome!" (high five) "You're awesome too!" (another high five) "What's your name?" (high five attempt) Thanks girl who still high fives! Admittedly I feared the next step was in the form of a chest bump.

When we got right down to brass tax this cocktail is not one I would ever suggest unless the words "I want to be blackout drunk tonight" are part of your vernacular for the evening.  however without further discussion I present to you the Irish Trash Can.

Irish Trash Can
.5 oz. - Gin
.5 oz. - Rum
.5 oz. - Blue Curacao
.5 oz. - Peach Schnapps
.5 oz. -Triple Sec
.5 oz. -Vodka
Can of Red Bull


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Phone Call

Sometimes just the story itself is funny without me having to interject my own bit of humor. Not that I am funny but especially in this case I will just stay out of it. This is an actual call I got while at the bar on Saturday night.

When the phone rang I picked it up like any normal person would and answered. "Thank you for calling this is Charles." The voice on the other end was that of a young girl. Here is the rest of the conversation.

Girl: Hi! I wanted to know how old you have to be to get in tonight.

Me: You have to be at least 21.

Girl: What about the dance club?

Me: Still 21.

Girl: Well I'm almost 21 and I promise I won't drink there.

Me: Still 21 and your right you will not be drinking here until you are 21.

Girl: But I am so close!

Me: And yet so far away. And still it's 21.

Girl: I'm really cute and I can bring friends with me.

Me: Are any of your friends 21?

Girl: Yeah a couple are.

Me: Great! They can get in.

Girl: What about me?

Me: We are both speaking English right? Seriously I'm not making this shit up. The age is 21 to get in. If you're not 21 then you can't be in here after 9 pm tonight.  Sorry I didn't make the law.

Girl: Fine! Do you know of anywhere else where you don't have to be 21 that has dancing?

Me: Uhhmmm... Chucky Cheese??

Girl: Oh my God! (Hang up.)


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn

There have been more than a few times in the past few months I have thought about the Sunscreen song by Baz Luhrmann. This song is essentially a play on the article "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997.

Later this piece was said to have been a commencement speech given by none other than author extraordinaire Kurt Vonnegut to the MIT graduating class of 97. This proved to be erroneous seeing as the speaker that year at MIT was Kofi Annan the Secretary General of the United States from January of 97 to December of 2006. Co-Winner of the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize for his founding of the Global AIDS and Health Fund. Blah blah blah, history lesson is now over...

My reason for bringing this up is this song and a later parodied version by Comedian Chris Rock entitled "No Sex in the Champagne Room" Got me thinking. The two songs are basically small tid bits of advice set over music. I won't go into too much detail as both versions are here for your listening pleasure. This however sparked my own ideas of things I think everyone should know. So below I have compiled a list I have entitled Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn. Feel free to put this over a good slow track in your head. Preferably something with a good bass line to it.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- If you have a Soul Patch and a arm band tattoo you are probably the guy everyone is talking about when they say "that guy is a douche."
- No man likes when women wear dirty flip flops. If you have a pair you call your "dressy flip flops" or high heel flip flops, then you should get a thank you letter from Wal-Mart for keeping them in business. Because I guarantee you most of your furniture came from the same place.
- If you live in a double wide trailer and say to your friends "See its not that bad." The minute you turn your back they are saying it is worse than that.
-  Yes, everyone is looking at you funny when you leave the store with the 36 roll pack of toilet paper.
- Any girl who says she "doesn't do that" has done it more than once and will do it again. Just not with you. 

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Stop with the duck lips already! Unless you have a busted looking smile then by all means Daffy continue on.
- If your tits are hanging out of your top men are going to stare. The same way if a guys nuts where dragging on the floor behind him there would be a cell phone picture or two.
- If you are over the age of 12 and not part of a 90's rap revival there is no reason you should be wearing your hat sideways.
- If you have naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone for God sake password protect the device at least. Because the one time you get hammered and lose your phone you can bet whoever finds it is going right to your picture gallery.
- Drink like a man. If your a guy that orders anything with pineapple juice at the bar on a regular basis and you are not from or on a tropical island be ashamed. Similarly if your girl drinks harder stuff than you. that relationship will not work unless you don't mind being referred to as "the pussy."

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- If you ever find yourself with your penis in one hand and a ruler in the other rest assured the good times are over. Much like a menu without prices, if you have to check you don't have enough.
- Going to church makes you a Christian as much as swimming in the ocean makes you a fish.
-It is always in the last place you look.
- Just when you think you have the ability to make ends meet, the committee will move the ends further apart.
- Exercise regularly, eat healthy, die anyway.
- If you are over the age of 25 it is time to put down the lime and salt and just take the shot straight up.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- The jeans are not what is making your ass look big.
- No one dances well at weddings so just get up and dance already.
- Don't ask that girl when she is due. Because if she is not, she will hate you and there is nothing you can say to go back and make it alright.
- People who want to share their religious or political views with you never want you to share yours with them.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Opportunities always look bigger leaving then when they are coming your way.
- Don't be a dick!
- Having a glass of water between Jagger Bombs just makes it tougher to find the bathroom between shots.
- Men never need a reason or mood to have sex.
- A GED is not the same thing as a diploma. 
- If you drink 10 light beers a night, your waist line should be the last of your concern.
- The line between being a collector and a harder is about a room full.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Should you ever find yourself with your junk in one hand and your smart phone camera pointed at yourself, feel free to draw a curtain on your life.
- The first person to curse the other out in any argument is the loser. Also you will never win any argument with a police officer or a referee. Especially if you curse one of them out.
- If you say "I'm sorry but, ..." then you are not really sorry.
- No one flosses everyday. Anyone who says they do is completely untrustworthy.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Enough with the "Tap Out" apparel. We all get it you think you're a real tough guy. Much like the "No Fear" line a few years back. Of course you have no fear when your rolling through the suburbs in your little SUV with the windows down and system turned up. But watch the bitch come out when the scenario is a bit more intense.  Anyone who wears that crap out should have to take a complimentary blast to the snot box by the door man to whatever club they are entering.
- Dude, its just a dollar more. Tip your bartender. 
- A great college course would be "How to take a hint 101."
- Never purchase a car you can not push.

 - You can't beat the computer at chess. Kickboxing however is another story.
- If it's stupid but it works, it's not so stupid.
- Know when to shut the fuck up!

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.
- Your drink is not that important. When last call comes around put it down and live to play another day. Bouncers and police will win the fight.
- Smile already. Seriously if you find yourself out in a social setting and feel the need to mean mug you either need a anger management class or a laxative. 
- The best things in life are not free. Have you ever found a mint couch at the dump?
- Misery LOVES company! Sometimes misery will invite you over for dinner and a blow job but make no mistake even well disguised you will find misery eventually.
- Some days you are the dog, others you're the hydrant.

Tequila Leads to Bad Decisions and Heartburn.