Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Grey what???

I like to keep myself in somewhat respectable shape. I workout a few times a week, brush my teeth a couple times a day, shower a couple times as well. When I shower like any man I make sure "old Hank and the twins" get a good scrub. Guys know the routine, start at the chest with the soap and get a little lather then straight down to the boys, back up to the arms and pits, back to the "junk," underneath and then around the corner for the between the cheeks karate chop scrub technique and of course back to "Mr, One Eye." Legs are next but lets face it we all only get to about the knee. The feet? Well we are standing in soapy water. The routine continues much the same rhythm. Women wonder why we are in there as long as we are and no we are not masturbating because that just burns if you get soap in the little hole.

Not to get off topic but think about that community bar of soap for a moment. I mean if that bar could talk! All the places it has been. I don't know about you all but I don't use a wash rag. Then the next person comes in and goes about their nooks, crannies and what nots. And then you are pissed that you are out of hot water? I think I should be more pissed about washing my face when I was a kid and we had the family bar of soap after my Dad was in there doing the routine I surely mimic today.

So there I was doing my whole thing and it was time to do a bit of man-scaping. The shorter the grass the taller the tree looks I personally think. Not to mention who doesn't like going to a clean park? What do my wandering eyes see? A grey hair! Grey around the "twig and berries!" Where the hell did this come from and who can be held responsible for this. It was bad enough I started to find Rip Van Winkle-esc eyebrow hairs every so often and trim my nose hair lest I look like a party favor next time I sneeze. And the ear hair... ugh! This is however the last straw! The "little prince" is the last bastion of hope in many mans eyes.

Whats next Cialis, Lavitra, the little blue pills? Do I just give up and put a couple bathtubs on a hills side and hope the water isn't too cold? So many questions, concerns and sad realities.

Yes it's true I still have a AOL account, I remember when video stores carried strictly VHS, Beta Max actually existed and the way of the future was suppose to be laser disc. "Don't you feel ridiculous if you bought one of those players. I remember when shows like "Sanford and Son," "The Brady Bunch," "Growing Pains" where brand new episodes and not reruns on Nick at Night. For that matter I remember when David Hasselhoff was cool, The haircuts on Friends where all the rage, UHF and VHF existed, Spiderman's costume in his big movies look like nothing more than footy pajamas and life before microwave ovens, answering machines, cell phones and MTV.

I realize growing old is just the natural progression of things but at 28 I already am concerned with having a saggy bottom, slowly declining parts like an old Ford and the need to have a colonoscopy and my Mom keeps telling me to have my cholesterol checked. But no one ever warned me about grey hair around the base of "Mr. Winkey!"

Yes and in a way there is a bit of pride and wondering if it makes it look a bit more distinguished. Should I let it grow a beard and refer to my penis as "The Most Interesting Penis Alive?"

Well with all these questions looming I have only one suggestion and that is to have a drink. Not just any drink mind you but one befitting of such a circumstance. Here are a few. Good luck and happy plucking.

Viagra Cocktail
Serve in a pint glass filled w/ ice
2 oz. - Citron Vodka
1 can - Red Bull
.5 oz -  Blue Curacao

One Eyed Snake
.5 oz - Raspberry Vodka
.5 oz -Vanilla Vodka
.5 oz -White Rum
.5 oz -Lemon Rum
.5 oz -Peach Schnapps
1 oz. - Pineapple Juice
Splash Grenadine
Pinch of Brown Sugar
Toss and serve in a tall glass over ice

Fountain of Youth Martini
2 oz. - Vodka
1 oz. -  St. Germaine
1 oz. - Pomegranate Juice
Squeeze of one lemon slice
Shake over ice and strain
Top with Champagne
Garnish with 3 Blueberries


Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Has anyone else been to your local YMCA as of late? I am a card carrying member of the Youth Christian Men's Association and seriously whoever is on the board of directors or The Village People and I need to talk. Wait, not The Village People. Have you ever actually listened to the words in that song? Holy crap! Let me be more clear and set the stage so it is crystal as to what I am referring to.

The other day I went to go get changed in the men's locker room before going to lift. Here is what I saw in order. Two kids about 12 years old stark naked in the shower whipping each other with their wet underwear. One kid about the same age and naked again standing on a bench under a hand dryer. Two older fat guys about late 50's sharing a wash rag in the shower. One soaping himself up then passing the same soapy rag to the other. Maybe they where brothers. Three teenage white boys about 16 or so, two of which where doing a whole beat box mouth thing, while the 3rd tried to rap over said beats. Last but certainly not be taken lightly least was a father with his 2 sons under the age of five. One child pointing out the anatomy of the other to everyone in ear shot while Dad was trying to put some semblance of clothing on either one of them. This whole place had a Different Strokes, bicycle shop episode feel to it.

What was next? I mean let's make this all official and have Jerry Sandusky pop out from a bathroom stall with Chris Hansen and the  To Catch a Predator camera crew close behind! I thought at any moment Ashton Kutcher was going to come over and tell me I was being punked. All I could do was avert my eyes and crawl into my locker while I got changed up. Knowing what I may possibly see again I'm getting changed in my car.

Times like these call good stiff drink. In honor of that here is a good one for you to savor after a crazy freakin day you don't ever wish to see the likes of again. The Long Island Iced Tea is just that sort of cocktail. With 5 different liquors and a sweet tea taste you can kick back, relax, close your eyes and think of something... anything else! Besides 2 of the 5 Village People are rumored to be from the NY Island.

Long Island Iced Tea
In a tall glass over lots of ice
1 oz. - Gin
1 oz. -White Tequila
1 oz. -Vodka
1 oz. -  Rum
Fill half way with sour mix
Splash of Lime juice
Fill the rest of the way with Cola
Mix and Serve with a Lemon


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Thankfully this year St. Patrick's day falls rightfully on a Saturday! No need to call in sick to work this year boys and girls you have Friday to pre-game and Sunday to recover. If you need to take Monday to nurse a looming hangover, then you should be banished to the minor leagues of drinking. Get back on the porch you are not among the big dogs.

"Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here’s a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again."

"In heaven there is no beer, that's why I drink it here..." I can already hear the Irish drinking songs played in every pub around the world. The sound of bag pipes, the Chicago River dyed green, the funny shirts with saying like "Kiss My Blarney Stones" or "Show me your Shamrock's!" I do love how this holiday seems to have taken on some Mardi Grad style hedonistic traits. How about that one friend everyone has that takes this day to wear a kilt, after a pint or 16 showing everyone he is a true Scotsman by lifting said plaid skirt.

"May you always have a clean shirt,
a clear conscience,
and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!"

This year however I implore you steer clear of the green beer and hostility. Spend the day with good friends and making new ones as well. Should you meet a fine young lass and wake up to find a horse tooth nag then by all means buy the little lady a proper cornbeef breakfast before sending her along her walk of shame.

"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!"

I have assembled here a few some traditional some not so much cocktails in the spirit of this oh so wonderful holiday.

"May you have all the happiness
and luck that life can hold.
And at the end of all your rainbows
may you find a pot of gold."

Irish Apple-Tini
2 oz. - Irish Whiskey
1 oz. - Apple Schnapps
Splash of Cranberry Juice
Splash of Cinnamon Schnapps
Rim glass with cinnamon sugar
Pot of Gold
1 oz. - Irish Whiskey
1 oz. - St. Germaine
Splash of Sour Mix
Top with Sprite

Emerald Isle
2 oz. - Vodka
1 oz. - Creme de Menthe
Shake over ice and strain!

Erin Go Bra - less!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Funny and Tragic

Sitting here tonight I had what I thought were some funny thoughts. So like most everything else I just decided to let them out here. This is a list of things that are very funny or cute things if done by someone under 5. However completely wrong or tragic if say you are over 30.

1) Announcing to everyone in the room you have to "go poopies!"
2) Naming all your toes.
3) Show people with pride where your tooth just fell out. (Unless you are from Turner, Maine in that case you could easily be an elected official.)
4) Kool Aide mustaches
5) Leave the house in nothing more than a t-shirt and a diaper.
6) Tell the same knock, knock joke over and over again, laugh and expect everyone else to laugh every time.
7) Show everyone you are wearing your "big boy" underwear.
8) Trying to ride the dog
9) Telling people and believing you have super powers when you tie your "blankey" around your neck.
10) Just letting a fart rip whenever or where ever you are. (Again unless you are from Turner, Maine in which case congrats you are soon to be mayor of that fine town.)
11) wearing swimmies when at the pool.
12) Drinking out of anything with a nipple on it.

That is all I have for now...


Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Little Story of the Night

First of all let me say that this story is not for the feint of heart, but this blog is called stories from the bartender. You've been warned.

We all have our own dirty little stories. This was absolutely the case last night. What I am about to tell is a story told to me by a guy at my bar sitting with his wife. I wish I could make this stuff up, but even better than that I can just sit back and take it all in...

This couple is from middle Vermont which already says quite a bit about them. His name is Dan and he tells me "I have have a story about a midget." Me, "I'm listening..." Turns out this guy goes to a bar one night and has a few when in comes a midget in a motorized wheelchair. As the story goes Dan gets cozy with the little person who was in his words "3 foot nothing." Dan is only 5'5" maybe himself. Next thing you know Dan is loading a motorized wheelchair that weighs a ton into the back of his truck and ready to take this meeting to the next level.

Traveling down the road things start to get heated in the front seat of his truck. Suddenly she announces she "has to poop!" So where do they stop? McDonald's! I swear this has become quite the laboratory hot spot. must be something about how they are around every corner. But seriously every time I hear about someone having a bathroom emergency, they wind up at the golden arches. Sex is the Burger King.

I digress, she runs into the ladies room and she is in there for sometime when Dan finally starts to get worried. So as any responsible caring gentleman would do he goes into the ladies room to see what is the matter. When he walks in he finds the little lady buck naked standing on the sink. He asks what she is doing and she says "washing my hands." Taking his cue Dan drops trow and gets to work. With the midget hanging onto the sink and dangling 3 feet above the floor and Dan just hammering away. In walks the female manager of the burger joint.

As the story goes the manager takes one glance says "excuse me!" and runs away. So what does Dan do? Gets right back to business. A few minutes later there is a knock at the door and it's the local PD asking if they can come in or if Dan can come out. Dan comes out and leaves the midget behind. Turns out the police seem to think he is molesting a child in the McDonald's bathroom. True story!

Dan after this story topped off the evening with his wife by starting a bar fight in my bar and had the police called on him and his wife for assaulting a woman in the bar by smacking a big girl on the ass. Thank you all very much and goodnight everybody!


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Like My Dog Does

I have never been much of a country music fan. My Pop always called it "horse shit and gun smoke music." Even better one of my favorite jokes is What happens when you listed to country music backwards? Answer: You get your dog back, your house back, your truck runs like new and wife stops sleeping with your high school friend, your daddy comes alive and your Momma comes back to dance with your Daddy. But last night an friend of mine came by to visit and we had a few laughs over a few drinks and she works for one of these country music stations. So today while riding in the Jeep I turned on a little country music and this Billy Currington tune is the first thing I heard. Well I'll will be dipped this guy might just be a genius! I now have a new favorite song. As I sit here with my dog "Smooch" I can't help but giggle. So if you haven't already heard this song turn up your speakers.