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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Don't Ever Give Up!

I found myself wide awake at 3:30 in the morning last Saturday night. Sitting on my couch with nothing to really do but turn on the TV and hope it set me to sleep mode. I couldn't stop thinking about everything and nothing all at once. I know we have all had those restless nights. So I flip on ESPN and the annual Espy Awards are on. The Espy's are awards given to athletes and those around the sports community. Think the Oscars of the sports world. It was at this time they were about to give out the Jimmy V. Award

If you don't know who Jimmy V is that's OK nor do a lot of people. He was a college basketball coach. However that wasn't his claim to fame. He was a National Championship winning college basketball coach at the highest level at North Carolina State and yet again not what he is most known for. James Thomas Anthony Valvano was the middle child of Rocco and Angelina Valvano born and raised in Queens, NY. Jimmy wore his heart on his sleeve every day and it showed not only as a 3 sport athlete but then as a coach for 19 years and then as an announcer for ABC and ESPN. A devoted husband to  his high school sweetheart Pamela and father to 3 daughters. Jimmy V was one of the special ones. With all that said we are just scratching the surface. I knew the story of Jimmy V before this night and how on March 3rd 1993 at the ripe age of 47 he passed away from bone cancer.

Just 2 months prior to his death Jimmy V was given the Arthur Ashe Courage award. Prior to his now epic speech that was highlighted by the words "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." (I can personally feel the chills in me right now.) Prior to this speech he and the powers that be at ESPN set up a charitable foundation in his name in the fight against cancer. Here is the speech given to Jimmy V and even in the moment he is facing all his fears he gets up before this crowd of peers and gives this amazing speech.

Now here I am flash back forward to 2014 and watching as Stuart Scott. Most known for his on screen charisma while giving us the daily highlights of the sporting world is given or I should say has earned the Jimmy V Award. I sit in silence on this night watching a man facing his own mortality give one of the most riveting speeches I have ever seen. If this speech doesn't bring tears to your eyes you might not be human. I cried and I hope you do to. If only to remind you of everything that is really important in your life. Watch as Scott stands before a crowd of thousands of his peers and announces "I'm not special" and just like Jimmy V. before him makes a that same crowd laugh with him adding a touch of levity and even more humanity during what is a deadly serious topic. Stuart Scott, Jimmy V. Robin Roberts and countless others are special for meeting this fight head on. Scott is not "special" for catch phrases on Sports Center or personal appearances at championship games. Look deeper. Much deeper. Now step aside and let the man walk through.

Stuart Scott represents everything that is right. He represents dignity, class, perseverance when faced with amazing adversity. A loyal father, provider for his family and humble to all those around him. I have always enjoyed his body of work but now I can tell you I am just a fan of the man.

The Link below is to give to the Jimmy V foundation. This foundation does great things for people suffering every single day. We all know someone effected by or who has succumb to cancer. I lost a Grandfather. My Grandpa Vaghn was my mothers father and my Grandfather on my fathers side George (Poppop) is now battling cancer as well. I hope you take a moment and give to this great foundation. Every little bit helps get closer to a cure.


Monday, July 28, 2014

Marco! Polo!

When I was a kid in the pool we use to play this game where one kid would close their eyes and yell "Marco!" All the other kids would yell "Polo" in reply. Every time the kid would yell "Marco" every one else had to say "Polo!" If "Marco" suspects someone has left the pool they can yell "Fish out of water!" and open their eyes. If anyone is out of the pool they are now automatically "it." This annoys the shit out of the adults just trying to have a quiet relaxing day poolside with their beer. However it keeps the kids entertained for a bit till they hear the Mr. Softy ice cream truck song playing in the distance and like homeless people on steroids they come begging for money to feed their sugar addiction. "Come on Mom/ Dad I just want a little, just one scoop!!"

So this past weekend I had a list of things I wanted to get accomplished around the new house. The bulk of the list required going to a Home Depot, Lowe's or something of the like. I had a list of specific things I needed. Such as pads for the bottom of my chairs so not to scratch my hardwood floors in the kitchen and a set of odd sized blinds for my bedroom. Because as much as I love a great sunrise over the lake in the morning that shut grew real old real fast after about the 6th time waking up at 5:30 when I didn't have to be up till 7.

So I got into my Jeep Wrangler and headed down to the local Home Depot. I didn't want this to take all day. Like most men shopping is not my forte and I just wanted to get in and get out of there. Find what I needed and out like a fat kid in dodge ball! I wasn't looking for anything to difficult so this whole operation should be a piece of cake... Right? This next bit was what flashed through my mind:

Get into the parking lot of Home Depot a million spots away.
There are 3 doors and all of them seem to say Exit.
Pick the door in the middle,
Damn wrong one!
How the hell am I suppose to get into this place?
And why are a bulk of the signs in Spanish here in French Canadian Maine?
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Right away I am greeted by someone's grandpa, asked if I needed any help.
His bright white orthopedic shoes are almost distracting.
How wide will my feet get over the course of my life?
I declined. I should have pulled up to the door and tossed him the keys
Telling him to make sure to put it in a good spot
because all those dents happened last time I was here.
Not really. I hit a deer but still worth the giggle.

I made my way to where I thought I should be for the little pads
The kind that make it so you don't scuff your floor.
I can't seem to find them and so I keep on searching.
Up and down each isle.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Power tools, cleaning supplies, shovels.
Perfect section for someone that committed homicide and needed to hide the body.
Next set of isles rope,  lubricants, tie downs and screws
Alright The Depot knows how to party!
Not now though I have to find the stuff I need.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Starting to get frustrated and everywhere there are signs
"You can do it, we can help."
All I want is to find what I need and why are the shelves so dang high?
If you're a contractor do you also need basic rock climbing skills to get everything you need?
I try to find a employee to give me some answers.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I see a flash of orange dart past one of the isles and in desperation I give chase!
Turns out it is just someone that digs the color safety orange.
Why would you wear that if not flagging a road or hunting deer?
Oh right I'm in Maine.
"Marco!" Still no one answers "Polo!"

What seems like 30 minutes has one by
I'm starting to thing I might actually have a need for the set of 16 power tools I saw on the last end cap.
I feel like Moses lost in the desert.
Finally I spot a real live Orange apron.
These are a rare species and I try to move in as not to spook her.
PLEASE don't run! I didn't wear the right shoes for this adventure.
I get close enough to engage her and ask the key question of where to find what I am looking for.
She looks pretty official and has an ear piece like she is a member of the Secret Service.
Kind woman I say where can I find those little pads that go beneath your furniture.
She has no idea if they even have them she has only been here for 2 weeks.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

She directs me to home goods in isle 7. She says to find a guy named Mort.
This is seeming now more like a quest for the Holy Grail.
I get to isle 7 and there is no Mort to be found just 6 guys that all look like Wilfred Brimley
They are all talking about the benefit of florescent lighting.
Am I getting Punked?
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

There is another Orange Apron and this time I stare at him standing mid isle
Another lost soul stands at the opposite end of the isle.
The two of us lock eyes and now the race is on!
We are now mortal sworn enemies in a race to find home god answers.
The first one to get to the apron gets the golden ring
and will be freed from this immortal time vacuum.
My opponent seems to have a slight limp and he has a female in tow.
The advantage is mine however we are both middle aged and they are spry.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I start to break into a speed walk
when out of nowhere 3 competitor repels from the ceiling!
Whisking away our would be savior.
"Marco!" Please for the love of God someone yell "Polo!"

I am starting to get hungry and that hot dog vendor is starting to look like a French chef now!
Marco! Marco! Marco!
I think they are going to turn off the lights and lock the doors soon.
I got here around 11am.
Much like a casino there are no clocks and I think they pump in oxygen.
I have no conception of time right now and all I want to do is go home!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Screw this place I will take my chances and got to WalMart!
Sure whatever I pick up there will break within 2 weeks
But at least I will be gone from this wretched purgatory!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

And then as if standing beneath the North Star itself,
highlighted with a spot light while angles sing!
The little tiny pads I was looking for the entire time!
Oh sweet victory is mine. I am free at last!
Polo can feel free to stick it up his ass I win today!
I battled the elements, time, parking disasters
even overweight people on motorized scooters.
Like a prisoner on release day.
I am going to finally taste the outdoors again and return to family and friends.
"Marco!" Hahahahaha "Screw you Polo!"

Now to find an open register.
Preferably one where someone isn't trying to pay for all the lumber and screws to build a summer home and pay for it with 2 chickens and a donkey from their village.
None in sight. All the registers are on lockdown.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Off to "self checkout" this should be easy enough.
A few bar codes, a couple of buttons and a swipe of my debit card.
Piece of cake right. I am fairly educated and should be able to figure this one out.
Get to the register and start to follow the prompts.
I feel like another race is taking place as the people purchasing the house aren't even halfway through.
I must beat them out the door.
Swipe the little pads by the scanner and now the light on the register is blinking!
You have got to be kidding! Oh this cruel world we live in!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I toss the pads to the side and decide I am no longer meant for this world.
I am going to CVS and picking up maxi pads.
I remember what they said in the commercial
They protect and they are absorbent.
"Fish out of water!"


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Bacon Lovers Unite!

Sunday night this week you could have found me in Ogunquit, Maine. A "beautiful place by the sea" as aptly named by the Abenaki Indians. A popular tourist location in the summer months also known for it's fishing industry and beautiful landscapes overlooking the Atlantic lend itself to many artists in the area. Ogunquit is also known for being a LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Transgender) destination. The mix makes for interesting Saturday night in downtown where everyone from conservative straight to the flamboyant gay community come to take in all that the town has to offer.

One of the new spots to the town this year is "Let's Get Bacon." This is a small restaurant on Route 1 in Ogunquit in front of the Admirals Inn. As you may have guessed the entire theme to the place is... (drumroll) Bacon! Under any other pretense the focus on this one accoutrement might be overkill. However this is bacon we are talking about here. Keep in mind people wrap bacon around other meat to make it taste better! Picture the best steak grilled to perfection, good right? Now add bacon. Orgasmic! I bet if men wrapped their peckers in bacon blow jobs would increase exponentially. Too far... OK fine. But seriously bacon can be had in many forms and this establishment seems to do it all.

I started my experience off with the "Flight of Bacon." A plate of all different flavors and types of hog meat. Everything from chocolate covered bacon to Canadian bacon. Two slices of each flavor. By the time I was done with the flight I had to make a trip to the ER for my high cholesterol, but it was soooooo worth it!

So of course I had to steal one of their cocktail menus to share with all of you. When this place says bacon they mean it. They go above and beyond and innovate with their main ingredient. So here is their cocktail menu. Be sure to check them out:

87 Main St. Ogunquit, Maine 03907.
Open daily 7am - 3pm & 5pm - 11pm
(207) 206-2121.

Now check out their bacon inspired cocktail menu.
The Loaded Bloody
Bacon infused Vodka/ Bloody mix/ A lobster claw/ Celery Stalk/ Bacon/ lime/ Lemon/ Olive $15
Let's Get Bacon Bloody
Bacon infused Vodka/ Bloody mix/ Celery stalk/ Bacon $10
Chocolate Covered Bacon Martini
Bacon infused Vodka/ Crème de cacao/ Rimmed with cocoa powder and chocolate/ garnished with a piece of chocolate covered bacon. $14
Salted Caramel Bacon Martini
Bacon infused Vodka/ Bacon infused whiskey/ Butterscotch schnapps/ Cream/ Garnished with a slice of bacon and a salty pretzel rim. $14
Apple Wood Smoked Bacon Martini
Bacon infused whiskey/ Sour Apple schnapps/ Cranberry juice. $13
Eggs and Bacon
Gin/ Basil/ Sour Mix/ Egg white/ Lemon juice/ Garnished with a slice of bacon. $10
Let's Get Bacon Martini

Bacon infused Vodka chilled/ Slice of Bacon/ Stuffed olives. $13
Bacon Old Fashion
Bacon infused Whiskey/ Maple syrup/ Bitters/ Orange/ Cherry/ Garnished with a slice of bacon. $13
Strawberry Shortcake Martini

Strawberry infused Vodka/ Simple syrup/ Cream/ Pretzel crumb rim. $13
Key Lime Pie Martini
Vanilla vodka/ Lime juice/ Splash of pineapple/ Grenadine/ Pretzel crumb rim. $12
Strawberry Jalapeño Margarita
Strawberry & Jalapeño infused tequila/ Sour mix. $11


A Tiny Tale

This story is one a lot of close friends have already heard. So to you all I'm sorry in advance. NOW with that said this story still makes me blush just a bit but what the hell it's just plain funny...

When I was in my very early 20's AOL was HUGE. Remember "You've got mail!" and that screeching fax machine sound that goes along with a dial-up modem? If you do, you're old like me... OK moving on. Back during this time I had a friend named Mike. He knew everyone and was sort of an AOL chat room Sherpa. He knew just about everyone and everything about them. I think he spent his days and nights merely talking in chat rooms. Mike also knew me a bit and knew I was a bright eyed bushy tailed kid who was always up for getting a little "stank on my hang low." One night we where hanging out at a bar and we got to talking about our personal bucket lists. A bucket list for those of you who don't know already is a list of things you want to do or see before you kick the bucket (die.)

Well of course there were all the usual things like jump out of a plane, see the world and of course when men get to talking it inevitably turns to sex. Now remember we had more than a few bowls of loud mouth soup in us and what would be normally a fairly easy sexual list (3some with super models, 4 some with super models and one on one with Cheryl Teague) got a bit more twisted. This is when Mike dropped the bomb that he was friends with a midget that loved sex! Holy crap sign me up! My bucket list just got a bit more interesting and twisted.

Now please I am not trying to offend any little people out there. I have no clue what you want to be called if any of you are reading this. I am sorry if I offend any of you as it is not my intent. I know there has been much awareness raised over the recent past with TV shows such as "Little People, Big World" and Then there is always Bridget the Midget stripper/ porn star turning the nation. I am told there is a bar in Pittsburg, PA that if you tip the bartender $50 and turn around with your face up and mouth open a midget comes running out of a gate at the end of the bar with a bottle of shots and pours them down peoples throats. I digress. My point being this story is not meant to poke fun at midgets or little people or those with dwarfism in anyway it just so happens that Mike knew a midget that was DTF (down to fuck) and here I was drunk and all of 23 years old. SIGN ME UP!!!

OK now allow me to explain what goes through the head of a guy, when he thinks about midget sex however has never actually experienced it. Warning this is about to get extremely twisted and dark! You might want to advert your eyes now! Picture the Harlem Globe Trotters and the song "Sweet Georgia Brown" being whistled in our ear as we spin, hop and toss around this basketball with a vagina. Toss her high to the ceiling and catch her on your cock still spinning. These are just a small couple of your mans twisted thoughts. Not just me! Yup that is exactly what first comes to every guys mind. If you are reading this right now with your special someone, just take a look at his face. Is he trying to hold back a laugh? Yup, thought so.

So a couple days go by and I get a Instant Message (IM) from Mike. He let me know that this girl is all set and good to go. Her name is Peaches and she lives about 2 hours away. He gives me her screen name so I can chat with her myself and set up the details. However for all intensive purposes the deal is done! I look her up and we chat a bit and keep in mind his is dial up and people couldn't just take a selfie like they do now on their cell to send a text picture. There was a whole process you had to go through. Take the picture, take it somewhere to get it transferred to a 3.5" floppy, upload the picture and send it which took forever and then download the picture on your end once you got it which took even longer. Needless to say internet porn wasn't what it is now and it took so long to get a picture you just asked what she looked like and took her word for it. Many times it didn't turn out so well but hey that was the internet for you. We were just happy to get that far and 9 times out of 10 we had a story that ended tragically for one of the two sides. So we decided to meet at her plane, again about 2 hours away from where I lived. But again I was 20 something and going to get laid and all I could do was whistle that damn tune in my head all the way there.

Now when I get there I was all set to tear it up! I was so excited to do this and I had built up such a scenario in my head. I wondered what it would be like, should I stretch? Do a few push-ups in the parking lot? Have my camera ready to take a picture of her little hands making my manhood look enormous? I know I wanted to capture that last one. Was there to be a pot of gold at the end of it all or will I at least get a lollipop before I go? So many questions where about to be answered! Just as I got out of my car I looked at the house to see her waiting at the storm door and this is when reality came up and smacked me dead in the face!

So there I am hit with a ton of bricks because the reality of what is about to happen is right in front of me. She is standing at the storm door to her home. The bar that separates the glass below from the screen above is just above her head. She is shorter than that bar and her bigger than life 80's hair is just scraping the bar. She had all the classic midget features, little sausage fingers, large forehead, bow legs and tyrannosaurus arms. She looked nothing like the red, white and blue basketball with a va-jay-jay I envisioned. However Peaches did have a little ghetto booty going on.

She let me in and I sat down on the couch. She turned on some music and brought me some water. I could feel the nerves building as here I am trying to uphold the sexual name of all normal sized people. The last thing I want is her going to a midget meeting and talking about how normal guys can't get the job done. However at the same time I am thinking about the shear geometry of the act and how it will work. I'm 6'3" and 230lbs she was all of 3'9 and I had no clue how this was going to work. I also didn't want to kill her with my penis. I'm not saying I'm huge by any means. I mean I'm a great size but there are vital organs in there and they must be pretty close to the opening. I could feel my palms sweating as I tried to figure out what to tell the EMT after I puncture her lung with Mr. Happy. At that moment she came over to sit next to me on the couch and this is where it all got awkward. If you have ever seen a 2 year old child try to get up on a high couch by face planting themselves on a cushion then rolling up and over till they have achieved a sitting position. Completely out of breath as her little feet dangled off the edge of the seat and legs so short she couldn't bend her knees over the end.

We chatted a bit then she got right to work like a little mongoose. Her little hands worked so fast and I tried so hard to get the music back in my head but every time I looked down she had already advanced to a further point and that ship just sailed. I was so excited I forgot to even take a picture of her tiny hands around my member! The moment of truth arrived as she stood up right at perfect belt level. Time for Charles to put up or shut up and I was determined to bring it home for the tall team!

She asked me if I wanted to take it upstairs to her bedroom? As I watched her yet again struggle with stairs this time again like a toddler climbs steps putting her hands down and one leg at a time on each step for all 12 steps, all I could think is why they hell would a midget own a 2 story home? Why in heavens name wouldn't you go ranch in this case?! Should I help her? I mean she could only weigh about 75lbs max and I can easily lift that upstairs. Would that be condescending or romantic? Would that kill the whole deal. I was already well over halfway there so no turning back now!

Whatever happened next was a bit of a blur now. I mean she was a dynamo and I was not prepared to do some of what she asked for. I tried my best but I am pretty sure I disappointed. I left with a skip in my step and you can bet as I went to unlock my car door I was whistling Sweet Georgia Brown!


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Prentice Powell

Like Arsenio Hall said perfectly after this gentleman lays it all down. "If you can't feel that, you must have a hole in your soul!" This man is all about truth. Be sure to check out more of his stuff on YouTube. Powerful stuff here.


Monday, July 21, 2014

More Signs of Old Age.

A couple weeks ago before I went on  my kick of getting heavy on the world I wrote a small piece about signs you are getting long in the tooth as anthropologist use to say about things that died of old age. So in giving it even more thought I have come up with a few more clues that it might be time to get ready to meet your maker. Like the Rolling Stones once sang "what a drag it is getting old..."

+ You sit and watch most if not all your teams regular season baseball games beginning to end on television.

+ Some of the commercials for drugs apply to you.

+ You still own a TV/ VCR combo.

+ You say things like when I was young and not "back in the day."

To middle age, when we begin to exchange our emotions for ­symptoms!

+ What is considered old school hip-hop used to be "your jam!"

+ Some of your favorite movie stars are dying of old age.

+ Golf on TV is now fun to watch. Even worse is that you start giving serious thought to Cialis, Levitra and Viagra commercials, because that guy sitting in the tub on the hillside looks a lot like you.

+ Neil, Diamond, Elton John and Tom Jones are among your all time favorite singers.

To our friend who is aging wonderfully. Nothing about you is old, except a few of your jokes!

+ You have rock t-shirts from 80's bands and they are not meant to be ironic.

+ Your one time tattoo of a butterfly now looks like an anaconda and it scares small children.

+ You have developed a "condition."

+ You have to stretch a little before sex.

+ You fear the final words you udder will be "Oh shit!"

To the "metallic" age - gold in our teeth, silver in our hair, and lead in our pants!

+ You use the blood pressure tester in the pharmacy with some degree of concern.

+ Speed limit signs are no longer a challenge.

+ A huge party seems like a real pain in the ass and all you can think is that it must be a real bitch to clean up after.

+ You start getting called Ma'am or Sir.

May you die in bed at age ninety-five shot by the jealous husband of a teenage wife!

+ A great night is a good dinner and falling asleep in front of the TV.

+ A great morning is a good cup of coffee and a solid poop.

+ You suddenly remember why you went in that room. Only to be side tracked for a moment with something else and forget all over again why the hell you are in that room to begin with.

+  Reading glasses are a regular accessory to your daily life. Should you lose yours not to worry all your friends and wife have them and will let you borrow them. You loose them all the time and that is why they sell them 5 for $10 at the pharmacy so you can buy a bunch to put on every surface of your home.

Here's a health to the future;
   A sigh for the past;
We can love and remember,
   And hope to the last,
And for all the base lies
   That the almanacs hold
While there's love in the heart,
   We can never grow old.

+ You invest in a sweet cherry red convertible.

+ You actually buy the extended warrantee to a electronic product and file it in a safe place.

+ You can never seem to find your keys and they are always in the same place, right in your ignition from the night before.

+ You look forward to the comfort of your own toilet seat.
What is but Age? Something to count?
Some people fight it as if climbing the mount.
I choose live with dignity and grace 
And offer a drink to all in this place

Stay young my friends!


Thursday, July 17, 2014


Open the door no one home
big empty space, another day gone.
So just your thoughts and the cold
that grip your heart but never hold
thoughts fill your head and no one cares
the bar is full, but all alone there.

Try and peel back that fear
of never sharing these thoughts you are feeling.
No one cares to hear you cry
just breath in, sing yourself that lullaby
and rock yourself to sleep at night
this is your life, this is your plight

The chill sets deep within the bones
a strangle hold on emotion flows
through your veins and feels the chill
Maybe soon it all will
end for ever without a sound
so not to disturb those around
This is where you learn to feel
to understand how darkness kills
even with the lights all on
no one would even realize you where gone

Solitude just like prison walls
sit by the phone and wait for calls
How are you? Are you doing fine?
Busy people don't have the time
to put themselves within your shoes
no end in sight to cure these blues

A shot of whiskey might kill the pain
but then again your thoughts remain
and still you sit all alone
surrounded by nothing that is your own.
All you want is to be held tight
take away the grip that might
feel the darkness take its place
in your nothing bit of space.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Signs of Old Age

I have been avoiding this topic since November, but now it is finally time to take that big cleansing breath and face facts. This year I turned 40. Yup, the big 4-0 came knocking and I answered the bell. Thank God for great friends and family that helped me ring it in. I love you all and you know who you are! My point here though is that I am getting older and with age comes changes. Inevitable changes and some I don't fully understand but like the song goes "the times they are a changing."

So I have been mulling over all the changes I have seen, made and that are taking place in my life and the lives of those in my generation around me. Some of them are cute, some of them are funny, others sad and of course there are some that are just outright depressing. Although for better or worse there is no stopping Father Time.

So I started compiling a list like I usually do here of all the signs that signify old age is coming, already upon you or maybe time to start thinking about a living will.

+ You go to a bar and all you want is for the management to turn down the music so you can actually hear what the other person is saying without screaming it in their ear.

+ When they do scream whatever they need to tell you in your ear, your first reaction is to say "what?"

+ A good sneeze could mean you pee a little.

+ Why the hell did I come into this room?

+ There is no way in Gods green earth that even with the hottest of women you would sleep in a twin bed.

+ A $5 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit!" Brace yourself the hangover is worse.

+ You no longer have more than a glass because it makes you sleepy.

+ When you find out a friend is pregnant your first response is now "Congratulations!" Instead of "Oh no! What are you going to do??"

+ Your time in front of the computer is actually spent doing work and other productive things.

+ You figure out that the internet can be used for more than just free porn.

+ You watch your language when talking to friends because kids might be within earshot.

+ Now I know I came into this room for something...

+ You start saying "I don't look pretty good for my age."

+ You go to bed by a certain time on the weekdays because you know if you don't it will be hell trying to wake up.

+ You can't imagine a day taking place without some form of caffeine.

+ You never leave the house without a sweatshirt or sweater just incase there is a chill.

+ You just don't understand the music kids dance to these days.

+ You get disgusted at what parents let there kids leave the house wearing.

+ You haven't seen Saturday Night Live since it started to suck back in the late 90's. Now you DVR it every so often just so you can watch it the next day to see how it is doing.

+ When you want to record something on TV you say you will "tape it."

+ You make a sound for sitting down and a completely different one for getting up off the couch.

+ Kids are great for fetching things for you.

+ Your mind makes contracts your body can not uphold.

+ Seriously! Why did I come into this room. I know I came in here for a reason.

+ Conversations start with "the other day at the Doctors office..."

+ Quick move laterally!... hahahahaha nope!

+ Doesn't matter who is around you no longer hold in your stomach for anyone.

+ You show friends your new lawn mower out of pride.

+ You are a listener of NPR and other talk radio.

+ Hair grows like a wild fire from places it never did before. If you sneeze you could look like a party favor. You have a few eyebrow hairs that have gone rogue and give you a stunning resemblance to Rip Van Winkle. Also your significant other spontaneously plucks long hairs off your back without warning and reminds you to have the barber trim your ears when you get a haircut.

+ When you're up, when your prostate and bladder says you're up.

+ Doing it all night long really means 20 minutes real hard followed by a nice deep sleep.

+ Who the hell ever needs to be able to bend at the waist to touch their toes anyway?

+ When you go for your license renewal and you are more concerned about passing the vision test.

+ The door man at the bar waives you through but cards everyone you are with.

+ You have no clue how long your shorts are suppose to be anymore. However you remember when shorts where exactly that "short."

+ When a woman calls you "daddy" in bed you quietly wonder if she actually thinks you are her daddy.

+ One word, "Loafers."

+ Remember when Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Kurt Douglas where studs. Likewise Sharon Stone, Britney Spears, all the girls in Friends and Pam Anderson were hot?

So there it is my list. For all it's worth 40 isn't really so bad. I'm surviving it so far. But as always I keep in mind we only go around this crazy life once that we will remember. So enjoy it now!


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Tonight I Snuggled

Tonight I stayed in and snuggled with a beautiful girl
We sat for hours and talked
I held her close and that is all she really wanted.
She didn't care about status, what I drove or how much money I make
She wanted to feel safe and warm
I stayed home and snuggled tonight.

I didn't do it because I had to
I did it because it just felt right.
In return I got back unfiltered love.
There were no conditions
There were no desires to be anywhere else but right there in my arms
For tonight I stayed home and snuggled

No fancy dinners, no flowers and candy.
No romance here just a innocent snuggle with a girl I love so much
She can do no wrong in my eyes and I hers
The world is her oyster and I am merely along to watch it all unfold.
We speak about the future and it is nothing short of bright.
Tonight I stayed in and snuggled

Her head on my chest as I pull her so close to me
Secretly hoping this moment will never see a the curtain fall
And yet it will
There is much to do in her lifetime and this is just a short
However sweet reprieve from all that awaits
Her sun kissed face, bright eyes and tiny freckles that grace her nose
Make me see the little girl in her
I stayed in tonight and snuggled

No parties, no drinks just belly laughs and tiny kisses
The kind that land softly on her forehead
She wrinkles her nose every time I do.
I love being a father
And because I do
I stayed in tonight and snuggled.