Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, July 28, 2014

Marco! Polo!

When I was a kid in the pool we use to play this game where one kid would close their eyes and yell "Marco!" All the other kids would yell "Polo" in reply. Every time the kid would yell "Marco" every one else had to say "Polo!" If "Marco" suspects someone has left the pool they can yell "Fish out of water!" and open their eyes. If anyone is out of the pool they are now automatically "it." This annoys the shit out of the adults just trying to have a quiet relaxing day poolside with their beer. However it keeps the kids entertained for a bit till they hear the Mr. Softy ice cream truck song playing in the distance and like homeless people on steroids they come begging for money to feed their sugar addiction. "Come on Mom/ Dad I just want a little, just one scoop!!"

So this past weekend I had a list of things I wanted to get accomplished around the new house. The bulk of the list required going to a Home Depot, Lowe's or something of the like. I had a list of specific things I needed. Such as pads for the bottom of my chairs so not to scratch my hardwood floors in the kitchen and a set of odd sized blinds for my bedroom. Because as much as I love a great sunrise over the lake in the morning that shut grew real old real fast after about the 6th time waking up at 5:30 when I didn't have to be up till 7.

So I got into my Jeep Wrangler and headed down to the local Home Depot. I didn't want this to take all day. Like most men shopping is not my forte and I just wanted to get in and get out of there. Find what I needed and out like a fat kid in dodge ball! I wasn't looking for anything to difficult so this whole operation should be a piece of cake... Right? This next bit was what flashed through my mind:

Get into the parking lot of Home Depot a million spots away.
There are 3 doors and all of them seem to say Exit.
Pick the door in the middle,
Damn wrong one!
How the hell am I suppose to get into this place?
And why are a bulk of the signs in Spanish here in French Canadian Maine?
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Right away I am greeted by someone's grandpa, asked if I needed any help.
His bright white orthopedic shoes are almost distracting.
How wide will my feet get over the course of my life?
I declined. I should have pulled up to the door and tossed him the keys
Telling him to make sure to put it in a good spot
because all those dents happened last time I was here.
Not really. I hit a deer but still worth the giggle.

I made my way to where I thought I should be for the little pads
The kind that make it so you don't scuff your floor.
I can't seem to find them and so I keep on searching.
Up and down each isle.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Power tools, cleaning supplies, shovels.
Perfect section for someone that committed homicide and needed to hide the body.
Next set of isles rope,  lubricants, tie downs and screws
Alright The Depot knows how to party!
Not now though I have to find the stuff I need.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Starting to get frustrated and everywhere there are signs
"You can do it, we can help."
All I want is to find what I need and why are the shelves so dang high?
If you're a contractor do you also need basic rock climbing skills to get everything you need?
I try to find a employee to give me some answers.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I see a flash of orange dart past one of the isles and in desperation I give chase!
Turns out it is just someone that digs the color safety orange.
Why would you wear that if not flagging a road or hunting deer?
Oh right I'm in Maine.
"Marco!" Still no one answers "Polo!"

What seems like 30 minutes has one by
I'm starting to thing I might actually have a need for the set of 16 power tools I saw on the last end cap.
I feel like Moses lost in the desert.
Finally I spot a real live Orange apron.
These are a rare species and I try to move in as not to spook her.
PLEASE don't run! I didn't wear the right shoes for this adventure.
I get close enough to engage her and ask the key question of where to find what I am looking for.
She looks pretty official and has an ear piece like she is a member of the Secret Service.
Kind woman I say where can I find those little pads that go beneath your furniture.
She has no idea if they even have them she has only been here for 2 weeks.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

She directs me to home goods in isle 7. She says to find a guy named Mort.
This is seeming now more like a quest for the Holy Grail.
I get to isle 7 and there is no Mort to be found just 6 guys that all look like Wilfred Brimley
They are all talking about the benefit of florescent lighting.
Am I getting Punked?
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

There is another Orange Apron and this time I stare at him standing mid isle
Another lost soul stands at the opposite end of the isle.
The two of us lock eyes and now the race is on!
We are now mortal sworn enemies in a race to find home god answers.
The first one to get to the apron gets the golden ring
and will be freed from this immortal time vacuum.
My opponent seems to have a slight limp and he has a female in tow.
The advantage is mine however we are both middle aged and they are spry.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I start to break into a speed walk
when out of nowhere 3 competitor repels from the ceiling!
Whisking away our would be savior.
"Marco!" Please for the love of God someone yell "Polo!"

I am starting to get hungry and that hot dog vendor is starting to look like a French chef now!
Marco! Marco! Marco!
I think they are going to turn off the lights and lock the doors soon.
I got here around 11am.
Much like a casino there are no clocks and I think they pump in oxygen.
I have no conception of time right now and all I want to do is go home!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Screw this place I will take my chances and got to WalMart!
Sure whatever I pick up there will break within 2 weeks
But at least I will be gone from this wretched purgatory!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

And then as if standing beneath the North Star itself,
highlighted with a spot light while angles sing!
The little tiny pads I was looking for the entire time!
Oh sweet victory is mine. I am free at last!
Polo can feel free to stick it up his ass I win today!
I battled the elements, time, parking disasters
even overweight people on motorized scooters.
Like a prisoner on release day.
I am going to finally taste the outdoors again and return to family and friends.
"Marco!" Hahahahaha "Screw you Polo!"

Now to find an open register.
Preferably one where someone isn't trying to pay for all the lumber and screws to build a summer home and pay for it with 2 chickens and a donkey from their village.
None in sight. All the registers are on lockdown.
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

Off to "self checkout" this should be easy enough.
A few bar codes, a couple of buttons and a swipe of my debit card.
Piece of cake right. I am fairly educated and should be able to figure this one out.
Get to the register and start to follow the prompts.
I feel like another race is taking place as the people purchasing the house aren't even halfway through.
I must beat them out the door.
Swipe the little pads by the scanner and now the light on the register is blinking!
You have got to be kidding! Oh this cruel world we live in!
"Marco!" No one yells "Polo!"

I toss the pads to the side and decide I am no longer meant for this world.
I am going to CVS and picking up maxi pads.
I remember what they said in the commercial
They protect and they are absorbent.
"Fish out of water!"


No comments:

Post a Comment