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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

If Bartenders Were Honest - BuzzFeed

Man Tips

In my 41 years of life I have learned a good number of valuable lessons. Like always it is completely unnecessary to hi-5 anyone in a men's room. The last person to look at the bill on the table loses and after a chili cook off just sit down to pee for safety sake. other lessons I have learned after re-embarking on the single life. Those are the lessons I am going to share with you today. You see todays lessons boys is all about men's grooming and other good tips. These are tips for both the married and single men out there. For the married guys it will hopefully enhance what you already have and make it so your wife doesn't find you completely disgusting after 10+ years of wedded bliss. For you single guys let's face it there is a ton of competition out there and not much in the way of quality once you reach the ripe age of 35 the odds of finding a attractive and intelligent woman that has her proverbial shit together is less and less with every year that passes.

My Pop is a manly guy. He grew up just outside Philadelphia, PA my Grandfather use to take the train with his lunch pale in and out of the city to work his 8 to 5 job working in a mailroom. When he got home he would sit in his recliner like Archie Bunker and drink his beer while he watched whatever game was on the TV that night. On the weekends his routine wasn't a whole lot different only replacing going to work with going to the market, back to the recliner and game... He was a blue collar guy and manly kind of guy and my Pop grew up learning from him as I grew up learning from my Pop. So certain things now as opposed to back then may be considered a little less than masculine. However gentlemen the times they are a changing and we must evolve. Put down those stereotypes and follow me here. You and your woman (woman to be) will be happy you did.

Now I am not going to sit here and tell you how to cut and style your hair or shave your beard. Mostly because I shave my head and face completely bald and my fashion sense isn't exactly up to GQ standards. I'm sorry, I don't care how out of style khaki cargo shorts are there is no way I will ever be caught dead in anything described as the color salmon (if you're going to wear pink just wear pink for Christ sake) and I am not going back to the Daisy Duke length shorts that men wore in the 80's. I would just prefer to go back to Jorts (Jean shorts) in that case. And guys that tie a sweater around their neck for a splash of color should also be made to tie their socks around their ankles. So all fashion aside... Well unless you're one of these guys that still wears the chinstrap beard and frosts your tips. In that case the Vanilla Ice look is out the door and you look like a douchebag. You're wrong and you know you're wrong. So just step away from this website and call it a day because there is no helping you anymore. In this article we are going to dive a bit deeper and unlike other articles of mine in the past this one is going to actually be helpful and less on the sarcastic side. Maybe. So get out your notebooks and pens because you may want to write some of this shit down. I'm dropping pearls of wisdom here people!

Let's start with how you smell. It's true if you smell like a rhino's undercarriage no one will want to be near you. The same way if you smell like that weird kid in middle school that got body hair before anyone else and his first bottle of cheap cologne sitting at the back of the bus and even the driver needed to open his window to keep from tearing up from smelling you. The smell of a man is important. Personally I feel a man should have a few different scents to choose from. Women have lingerie to keep us on our toes. We need to be able to change things up a bit to keep them on theirs.
Things to know before you go shopping about men's fragrances:
+ Whatever you wear shouldn't be to heavy and should have a clean finish. 
+ The difference between "parfum" and "eau de toilette": Parfum is oil based therefore will last longer whereas eau de toilette is water based and will fade quicker throughout the evening.
+Don't bother buying gift sets they are far to much than what you need. Remember you are merely trying to smell nice not like a Persian man working the skin care kiosk. Nor do you want to look like the poster boy for Dolce & Gabbana.
+  When applying a fragrance less is more. 3 shots max! One shot on your wrist and rub your wrists together then rub your wrists behind your ears. One on your bare chest and finally once you are wearing your shirt for the night one shot in front of you and simply walk through the falling mist to get a little on your cloths.

I personally have a few favorites right now that I will share with you. However feel free to go to your nearest Macy's and smell a few yourself:
Guilty by Gucci - Close to the very popular Acqua di Gio by Giorgio Armani but I don't want to smell like all the other knuckleheads in the club. I want to stand out a little in the crowd.
Reveal by Calvin Klein - A softer scent here with a little bit of sandalwood tossed in. If you are going for older women this is a great scent.
Bleu by Channel - A more bold scent however clean
L'Homme by Yves Saint Laurent - A fruitier scent with undertones of citrus.
Amen by Thierry Mugler - This starts out a bit spicy but has a smooth vanilla finish. I figure if nothing else I will smell like a stripper and that has to be good for something.
Chrome by Azzaro - If they where to bottle Irish Springs soap this might be what it smells like.
Legend by Montblanc - If you are going to a place with younger women this is the scent. It has a clean finish and a sweet smell upfront.

Like I said feel free to go to your nearest Macy's and try a few out. But have at least 3 to choose from just to keep the woman in your life guessing.

Next is accessories. I am a watch guy myself. Something about a nice time piece to me completes a look. Even though if asked for the time and my cell phone is dead I am fucked. Sometimes a necklace, a ring or even a bracelet. Whatever your accessories of choice are the limit should be 3. You're not Johnny Depp. He's over 40 and wears slightly more novelty jewelry than the girl on welfare up the street with 80's hair. Here the idea is to keep it simple. Having lots of choices isn't a bad thing. However wearing them all at the same time is just ridiculous. 3 is the limit enough said.

Let's talk about underwear now. One of my best friends Dana likes to go Commando. This is where you simply wear nothing at all. Where they got the name commando from I have no idea because you know real commandos aren't walking through the rough terrain in search of the enemy with their twig and berries just swinging in the breeze. Picture the point man turning around after calling the battalion to a halt deep in the woods with the enemy just yards away using only hand signals as to not alert the enemy of their impending doom in the early morning hours. All the soldiers in their camouflage face paint crouched down behind trees and rocks, paying close attention to their leader as he points out where the enemy is and just as he is about to point out where they are going to attack from, he turns and looks at "Crazy Jimmy." We all know a guy like this too. The guy that does the stupid yet hilarious shit at the worst time. There he is with Hank and the twins hanging low, and whiter than the moon above. When asked what the hell he is doing he tells the fearless leader that this is his homage to the commandos that have gone before him. The leader concerned for his safety gives him some face paint and tells him he better at least put this on before he gets his and everyone else's pecker shot off. And that is how "Crazy Jimmy" meets his maker as a enemy marksman can only see the glare coming off Jimmy's mushroom head from a mile away. How did this trend ever catch on. There must be some level of chafing! I can't even begin to fathom sports without some type of support. I digress... Commando aside

Yup, this happened in the middle of Times Square!
+ The Tighty Whitey Standard Brief: Unless you are between the age of 3 and 8 these are just unacceptable. The only reason they are acceptable between those ages is because they have cartoon characters and super heroes on them. Now this is what kids in my day grew up with. I remember seeing a couple of the Spanish guys on my basketball team when I was in grade school sporting red and blue ones and I thought that was weird but let's be honest the only thing this brief is good for is cutting off blood flow to the general region and having more skid marks than a get away car. Also they where good for tucking awkward errant boner into the industrial strength waste band. If you take off your pants with these pee stained beauties you run the risk of getting laughed out of the room.

+ Boxers: These have their place. I mean if your over the age of 75 feel free to rock these. Not only are they like a fine hotel with plenty of ballroom but they also give you the added opportunity for your dick to just flop out of the front peep hole throughout the day. A great accessory to these is black dress socks pulled all the way up.

+ The Boxer Brief: This is my choice and I would implore all of you to try these out. These embody the best of both worlds. Now I will say that I prefer a micro-mesh fabric that breathes. Cotton doesn't breathe quite as nice, especially if you are riding in a car with heated seats and then you're left with swamp ass. A boxer brief gives you all the support of a brief without cutting off the oxygen supply to old Mr. Winkey.

While we are on the nether region time to talk about "Man-scaping." Back in the 70's and 80's it was cool to have a big beaver pelt on your chest. Men use to fluff it up and unbutton their shirts to show off their chest hair. Then they would take off their pants and it looked like they had Abe Lincoln in a leg lock. As time goes on men just get hairier. Hair starts growing out of our nose and ears. Then the eyebrows come to the party and before long you have gone from looking like Neil Diamond to Rip Van Winkle. Gay guys everywhere caught on that this was just not flattering. There is a lot we can take from the gays. Straight guys pay attention to what they are doing. I am just saying if another gay guy won't go rummaging through the forest to play with the tree why would a woman want to do it?
It's time to get out the clippers and trim the hedges. Nothing fancy here. No need to create award winning topiaries. Just cut it down a bit. If you have chest hair just trim it to the point where it is under control. Warning here, if you go too short you will have itchy stubble. Just trim to the point where it is still soft and you don't look Chewbacca. If you have a hairy back you need to get electrolysis and eliminate that problem. Going lower even the smallest Johnson can look more like a thunder-stick if the backdrop is smaller than what is in the foreground. Feel free to even use a razor around some parts here. The last thing you want is for your lady to be giving you a oral delight and come up coughing like she has a popcorn kernel in the back of her throat. Help her out and clear the table for her a bit.
Also the older you get the lower your boys can hang. Every so often a little mango body butter on the boys will give you some nice taught balls. Don't come at your young trophy girlfriend with Tom Brady "Deflate-gate" old man wrinkly balls. Get that body butter and work it in like oil in an old catchers mitt. Now you have yourself some nice young looking, mango scented twins coming her way.

Finally we head all the way south to the feet and Pedicures. I had no idea just how amazing these where till a former girlfriend brought me to get one. I figured I would humor her and spend some time with her in the process. What resulted was a totally eye opening experience. I have been hooked ever since. Guys that have great wives and girlfriends will tell you, if she ever asks if you want a foot rub you ALWAYS say yes! Who doesn't love a good foot massage on their barking dogs Never mind the fact that she doesn't mind going near them. Now take that experience and multiply it by 5 when you add hot stones, paraffin wax, a foot bath with salts and a giant massage chair. I'm not talking about painting them pretty colors but there is nothing wrong with buffing your wheels. Guys, the days of having thick yellow toe nails that look like they where cut down by kitchen scissors should be a thing of the past. Think of the money you will save on socks and Band-Aids from cutting the back of your loved ones legs in the night while you sleep with your Velociraptor talons. Trust me for $40 let a little Asian woman play with your toes for a hour and you will be thanking me that you got turned on to this. Now here are a few tips for when you go to get a Pedi.

1) Make sure it's a place with a bunch of Asian ladies. From my experience Asian women get in there and get the job done! A high end solon with a bunch of uppity white women will charge you double and do the work like a disinterested house wife gives a blow job doing you a favor.

2) Get the hot stones! Ask the place before you go if they do a hot stone massage on your calves.

3) Download Google translator for whatever language they speak at the shop. Mine is Vietnamese. You want to be able to tell them to rub you harder or softer. You want to get your money's worth here.

4) Don't go to a place in a mall. These girls are seeing hundreds of people a week and especially at the end of the week or day they are tired. Malls tend to have more traffic and overhead to the business. So they pass that expense on to you. Places just outside the mall area especially strip malls tend to be a bit more reasonable and care more about building repeat business so they work a bit harder for it.

5) Once you find one you like tip them well and ask for them by name.

Alright it's late and I'm all out of tips for tonight. Go to get your beauty sleep you probably need it!