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Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Tense Moments

Whenever I tell someone that I am a bartender, the response I get is usually "bet you have seen some crazy things." Yes, of course I have! Then I am usually asked "what is the craziest thing you have ever seen?" There are far to many of crazy things for me to count really. I mean how does one rank the things I have seen in order of crazy to tame I am not sure. But keeping in mind why I created this site ever to begin with is to share some of these stories with all of you. So here is one of many. Keep in mind I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried so... Enjoy!

Awhile back I was bar tending at this little sports bar "Casey's" in Methuen, Massachusetts. I started to build a nice little following and was getting offers to bar tend private parties. I was approached one night by a couple asking me if I had any problems with people being naked at a private party? I think my response was along the lines of  "Nope! And you now have my attention." They presented the parties to me as a group of erotic minded friends and they have these parties a couple of times a month. They would pay me $200 to walk in the door and then all tips would be mine as well. They held these parties ether at their home or in  large hotel suite and the whole thing was in their words "nothing to crazy and just some friends that like to get together have a few drinks and some laughs. Count me in!
When I got to the hotel to set up my bar in the hotel suite I was met at the door by the Lynn and John the husband and wife that ran these parties. They were a couple in their mid to late 50's both in good shape and extremely friendly. Not knowing going into the party the theme was "women in lingerie" and Lynn was dressed already in a little lacy number with clear stripper heels to complete her look.

I on the other hand was dressed in a pair of khaki pants and a golf shirt looking like Lewis straight out of
Revenge of the Nerds and the only thing I was missing was a pocket protector. I was told to be dressed neat and clean and I remember asking my Mom what I should wear to work a private function. I even had my shirt tucked in!

Side note: Clear heels remind me of Chris Rock talking about the "Stripper Myth."

Turns out Lynn and John had sugar coated the shin-dig and it was a full on swingers party! Not that this would have made a difference to me except in maybe how I dressed for the event but I digress...

So couples and singles started filtering into this party till the entire suite was filled. Now you have to picture the layout of this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah hotel suite in order to get the full effect of the following events. When you walk into the room from the hallway of the Holiday Inn there is a kitchenette immediately
on your left and a bar type counter this was my post. The kitchenette doubled as my bar for the night directly ahead of was living room type space with 2 bedrooms to your left and one large adjoined bedroom to the right. To the back of the living room was a small couch and a couple of chairs and a sliding door leading to the patio to the very back of the room. Got all that? 

As the night went on the crowd grew to about 40 couples and 10 assorted single men and women. One of the women was a girl named Amy. She had the ability to be the life of the party even if the party was an insurance convention held in a cardboard box. Come to find out down the road a ways Amy also had a greater affinity for cocaine.

Now here is where the party gets fun. A guy named Mike was chatting Amy up and talked her into allowing him to orally satisfy her while she sat in one of the high-back chairs to the rear of the hotel suite. Amy dressed in a little baby doll piece of lingerie and little more sat back in the chair and threw her legs over each of the arm rests letting Mike go to work.

Amy thoroughly enjoying the attention Mike asked if there was anything off limits and Amy gave him the green light. After a good tongue lashing and a couple fingers Mike decided to slip a couple fingers into Amy's "3rd input." This seemed to make Amy quite happy.

Then there was a knock at the door and Lynn doing her hosting duties answered it to allow the new party guests to come in. It was 2 guys one of them was a large guy named Jeff. Lynn being all of 5'5" with her stripper heels on and Jeff at 6'5" made it easy for him to see over and beyond Lynn from the hallway with ease. Before he could even get into the door he spotted Amy in full pleasure mode with Mike kneeling in front of her with a face full of Amy and knuckle deep in her butt. 

"Amy, you whore!" Jeff yelled across the room from the hallway of the Holiday Inn. Amy quickly snapped out of her rapture to see her boyfriend Jeff standing at the door with one of his friends. "Holy crap Jeff!" she stood up and stepped over Mike who was still on his knees with 2 fingers stuck in Amy. In the excitement and stress of the moment Amy tensed up causing a muscle spasm and somehow had Mike locked in her backdoor! As Amy started to charge toward the front door of the suite Mike half dressed on her knees was trailing behind her quite literally like a runaway bull at a rodeo dragging it's rider.

Now picture if you can every couple of steps Amy took she stopped to smack poor Mike who could not get loose from Amy's sphincter grip and then turned back to yell at Jeff who was in the midst of berating Amy! Mike the entire time yelling that he couldn't get loose and was trying. Lynn standing between the two of them and trying to get them all to settle down  before they all got kicked out of the hotel. And Amy questioning what Jeff was doing there to begin with all while trying to fend off Jeff from kicking Mike's half naked and stuck self while John the other host trying to grab at Mike to help him get free!
After about what seemed like 20 minutes but was only 15 seconds Amy did a sort of weird squatting motion and Mike along with a little brown nugget was sent to the floor. As Mike crawled quickly away to the bathroom half to wash up and half to hide from Jeff. Everyone took a moment to stare at the poop on the floor as though time had stopped. 

A moment later they where all back to pointing fingers at each other and calling names. As it turns out neither Jeff nor Amy knew each other would be at this party they just both happened to answer the same invite autonomously of each other not wanting the other to know that they had such carnal desires for fear of what the other might think so early on in their relationship. They went out to the parking lot of the hotel and I guess figured it out and came back to the party ready to present themselves as a couple and enjoy this together. 

When they walked in the door of the hotel the second time Mike had thought they left for good. Mike took one look at Jeff and feared for his life still bruised and scratched on his head from Amy just a half-hour before and ran straight for the balcony of the hotel. We where up on the 3rd floor so I am not sure what the heck he was going to do. At least he had pants on this time. 

All is well that ends well however. Amy and Jeff ended up hooking up with another couple and while they were holed up in a bedroom having fun Mike hit the bricks like his ass was on fire. I made a more drinks and even a shot of tequila for Mike and the hosts. I left that night with about $500 and a front row seat to a great story to be told here today. Yup, that happened! 



Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Cobalt Cocktail Shaker

This past summer this company asked me if I would demo and rate the new Cobalt Cocktail Shaker. Being one to never look a gift horse in the mouth. I took the free swag and gave it a whirl. I realize this could be a slippery slope and seeing as Cobalt did send this to me free of charge I should rant and rave the product. However I am also not one to sell out. Channelling my inner Mark Cuban on Shark Tank, I am going to give it to you you straight.

So I threw together a little shin-dig one Saturday evening with a group of friends that enjoy my creations and a good party. Turned down the lights and turned up the volume and gave the Cobalt Shaker a fair shake!

Pros: The Cobalt Shaker is made of a sturdy stainless steel shell. Much like any other shaker. It seems just a touch heavier the the run of the mill over the counter brand. The differences come in the appearance and design. 

Appearance - The blue seal between the shaker cup and the strainer creates one hell of a seal as you will see below. Although the color and style of the shaker makes for a nice, clean table presentation. 

Design - The jagged inner ring that sits within the stainer when shook correctly gives you tiny shards of ice that float atop your martini. This forms a thin layer over the cocktail and thus keeps the drink colder for longer and maintains the integrity of flavor.

Con's: First of all is the hefty $69 price tag. At this price it is already siding with the elite martini connoisseur.

Next the blue seal ring between the cup and the strainer when ice cold from shaking is tough to separate for a quick cleaning and turn around. More than a few times I had to run the shaker under hot water for a minute in order to reduce the seal lock. If you are a bartender in the weeds this shaker is going to be a tough one to use unless you have multiples.

Lastly, if in a hurry you have to be careful not to cut  or prick yourself on the sharp inner ring meant to cut the ice. Like my Grandfather always use to say: It's not OK if you prick your finger, but even worse if seen fingering your... (you get the picture.)  

Overall: I could easily see the Cobalt Shaker in use at fine dining establishments and home parties. The color and design is clean and would look terrific when presenting especially table side or make you look like a pro with friends. As we in the bar tending game know, sometimes it is all about presentation and 80% of a great martini is a good presentation. The Cobalt Shaker performed well and the thin layer of ice does a nice job of protecting the flavor of the cocktail and not diluting the blend.

If you would like to pick one up here on the Cobalt Shaker website.


If you don't like my opinion, here is a far better looking guy than me giving you his opinion and telling you a bit more about the Cobalt Shaker...

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Words of Wisdom?? Maybe.

Today I was speaking with one of my best friends. We all have those friends in our life that no matter where you are, what you are doing, who you are with and no matter how long it has been since you last spoke you just are always able to just pick up the conversation where you last left off like no time has ever elapsed between the two conversations. I am going to omit her name because she knows who she is and the somewhat delicate nature of the conversation.

Although what I can tell you is that the questions she was asking where not uncommon. When I get my questions for my advice column each month many of the questions seem to revolve around the same issues. The questions about love are countless and I for certain am no expert on the topic. I am like most just a guy with an opinion. Yes, I know what I am suppose to do under normal circumstances with my opinion however in this case I was actually being asked!

The lingering question here revolves around past love and new love. Those that have been hurt before and don't know how to move forward. If they are ready to love again and if they are even worthy of being loved at all? Then how do they know when and if it ever is real?

Thanks in part to my Mothers tough exterior my first inclination is to say "Oh enough with all the feelings! Hike up the Huggies and drive on already!" Especially the part of about being hurt before. Just sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. Just because someone rejected you doesn't mean you have to hold that up as your shield. It has happened to us all. Getting your feelings hurt sucks. Yes, absolutely but either get over it or sit in the corner and continue to cry about it. Don't wade into the deep end with all the other big kids if you don't have your emotional flotation device properly in place. That shield works both ways and it very well may be protecting you from the possibility of ever being hurt again but it is also keeping you from ever finding happiness as well.

Then in a moment of clarity I came up with this gem that I think is pretty fitting. Love is sort of like a extremely complex mathematical equation written on a whiteboard for you to solve. There is no real time limit here to speak of with the exception of your own life span and in the end it is just you and the board working it out. You go through many scenarios, possible solutions and formulas as you try and solve for x. Notating what works and what doesn't along the way. Erase some, add some others constantly looking for that perfect answer. Sometimes completely clearing away all the work you have done in the past with one failed swoop of your eraser brush to just start over. Short term set back for a long term gain is all. Failures here are just stepping stones to a successful solution. There is no need to jam a square peg in a round hole here. Be selfish in arriving at the 100% correct answer. Others may not approve of your process but that is why it is YOUR process. Finally with hard work, perseverance, countless frustrations, anxiety and effort we arrive at the answer.



Monday, March 3, 2014

Brain Droppings

I commonly am asked to describe this blog. The question of what is your blog about, used to be an easy question to answer however over time the blog has taken many twists and turns. I remember a time where I would only write about different occasions and times of the year and the perfect cocktail to accompany said holiday, special occasion or season. Then I would end everyone of them with a half naked woman... OK that really hasn't changed. Nor will it.

Although as time has gone on this is really a place for what I call my own little "brain droppings." A series of rants, questions, diatribes and just plain silliness my Pops always calls it "general hoochey fatchey" (pronounced Who-chee Fatch-ee.) I have no idea where that term came from however if I had to guess probably my Grandmother who was well known to cheat at Scrabble and make up her own words or use "Romanian words."

So the past few months have been busy times and since I haven't had much time to write lately I had taken to just jotting notes of these brain droppings to be used another day. Well today is that day. without further ado here is a quick peek inside my twisted little brain. I apologize in advance for any lowering of your IQ, night terrors or desire to pierce your skull with a knitting needle as an after effect of reading further.

+ Do they bury people with their braces on?

+ Is it acceptable to contradict someone at a funeral when they say "he is going to a better place" with "Nope! He was an asshole." and dismiss it with "bless his heart" or "just saying is all."

+ If there is alien life and they are so much more advanced why do they always go in through peoples butts? This use to be one of the burning questions in my head till my room mate Jay asked me "why do you? Ah-ha moment! Thanks Jay.

+ Why do we as men always try for the butt? I mean it's like you are at this great club with the finest furniture and soft music and all perfectly tailored to your needs. Everything is warm, soft and comfortable. And for some God unknown reason you think hey this is nice but there is a club around back in the alley with a horribly paved parking lot and two huge bouncers and an intermittently awful smell called club dumpster. You just have to check it out!

+ Why do they call him the Lone Ranger if he always has his Indian buddy Tonto with him?

+ Everyone has their own karaoke song. Mine is Margaritaville, by Jimmy Buffet No real high notes or low notes and a catchy little tune. Actually anything by Jimmy is fine the guy really can't sing but he sure does have a lot of neat little diddy's especially good for drunk people.

+ Not much feels as empty as getting just past the midway point in an argument and realizing you are completely wrong, but you have to keep it up and win just to save face. Sort of like trying to bluff your way out of a crappy poker hand. If someone calls you to the carpet your fucked!

+ I hate going to the movies with anyone else that likes to use the arm rest.

+ When an Atheist goes to court and swears on a Bible, how do you know he telling the truth? And can they be held in contempt the very moment they raise their right hand? Why the right hand? And what if you only have a left hand? Will the right foot do in a pinch? I really want to be a fly on the wall for that trial!

+ Every time I see a commercial with Samuel L. Jackson in it, no matter how many times I have seen the spot. I am always waiting for him to end the commercial with "mother fucker!" Example: Capital One commercial "Whats in your wallet... Mother fucker?!"

+ "Fun size" candy bars are not fun. They should be called pissed off because you have to eat 12 of them in order to be even remotely satisfied then feel shame because you have wrappers all around you."

+ I have never met Sadie Hawkins but I can just imagine she must have been one bold bitch.

+ Does anyone else remember back to the time many years ago when the US was going to use the metric system? Then President Reagan stepped in and reminded us that the convergence to the metric system is hard and the French are assholes. One of those points has nothing to do with the other. I just figured it needed to be said.

+ No one is ashamed of singing anything by Donna Summer in the shower. No one!

+ I use to tell my kids not to take candy from strangers. Then Halloween came and Daddy has a sweet tooth and I turned them into my little candy mules.

+ Where did Noah keep the woodpeckers on the Ark? And what a pain in the ass it must have been to gather and check all those insects.

+ If a librarian points you to the self-help section is that defeating the purpose or is she labeled an enabler?

+ After many marathon evenings of Wii Mario Cart I now swerve at the last moment if I see a banana peel in the street, shake my steering wheel when I hit a large bump and sometimes try to stick my head out of the sun roof while driving.

+ Taking a shower together in theory is romantic and sexy. In reality it is jockeying for hot water with goose bumps and figuring out that is only sexy when you only use soft soap. Lose one bar soap in the wrong place and that special little someone is NOT going to leave your house happy nor feeling clean when she is farting bubbles.

+ Stay married. The dating life is terrifying! Seriously! If your significant other tells you tomorrow he/ she is going to run away with a carny folk just chalk it up to them needing a little space. Don't believe me? Check out a dating website and think about using condoms again. There are far more choices that there was in both categories and then good luck sleeping after that.

+ The other day my 8 year old son asked me "what if we ran over Spider-man?" How the hell am I suppose to answer that? Go ahead and show me the parenting handbook that covers that gem.

+ I know women say "I can't have that it will go right to my hips" However I think those same women should consult a map, because I swear there is truck stop around their ass.

+ Definition of "Ambidextrous": A righty being able to work the mouse with their left hand.

+ Ask me to find my car keys, my wallet, the g-spot on a woman or even pin the tail on the donkey and it will usually take me a few tries to get it. My snooze alarm however... eyes closed, dark room, mid-sleep and one handed. First time, every time!

+ I once heard that if you say "God save me" when you see the darkness coming that you will be saved. If this is true I think I figured out my next tattoo because I imagine at a time like that it would be easy to forget things.

+ If ever asked "What the hell were you thinking?" Don't answer it's a trap! And in the case the person you are asking is the opposite sex. Trust me it is NEVER what you are thinking and they are NEVER going to get it right. EVER!

+ There is no right way to fold a fitted sheet with the exception of having someone else do it.

+ We should all have an emergency contact. Part of that duty is completely deleting our browser history, burning our porn collection and getting rid of anything else that could be constituted as weird. The last thing I want my Mom to find while she is cleaning out my house after I die is... well let's just hope Jay or Shawn get there before anyone else.

+ I hate that I can remember almost every word from every  top 40 song from the past 20+ years but ask me to recall 10 mathematical formulas, how to convert Fahrenheit into Celsius or what percentage of my bill is the right amount to tip and I am immediately looking to find an app on my smart phone for it.

+ Yes, we know, real women have curves, so do men and I like beer.

+ Funiest things I heard this month:
- "It's time to hunker down and embrace the suck."
- "Listen here! I'm the one fucking this cat. All you have to do is hold its tail!"
That's all I have for now till the next dumping of brain matter.