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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Just Like One of the Guys

The line "I'm just like one of the guy's" is one all of us have heard spill out of women's mouths time and again in order to sound like the cool chick. 

Let me clue all of you in that have said this before... No! If I had a newspaper handy I would roll it up and swat you on the nose with it. No! No! No! you are most certainly not just like one of the guys and trust me you certainly don't want to be treated like one of us. Take a step back from the utopian belief and see how us men treat our even our best of friends.

Even Something as simple as a nickname between guys becomes something ugly. Ladies you like when your man calls you those cute pet names like "Sweet Heart," "Baby Girl" "Honey," "Peaches" or something as endearing as "Sugar Britches" well you could forget all about those. You see as men we find whatever is our weakness, mistep in life or worst attribute and this is our new name for you. I can tell you I have a friend named Mike who went missing for a bit because he got married and had a couple of kids. He just dropped off the map and we heard through the grapevine he was in a car accident. He has been known as "Dead Mike" ever since he turned back up. Be just a little overweight and seen one time with your shirt off your new nickname is something like "Skinny," "Grimmace" or "Jimmy Doughnuts"  That's enought to drive most women straight to the corner of Binge Street and and Purge Avenue. Think about if you were just one of the guys and just once you let out a fart completely by accident. Your now known as "Smelly Sally." Actually I know one of those and that fart was definitely NOT an accident!

Ladies when you get sick from imbibing a bit too much wine you have your sisters there to circle the wagons and take care of you. Sort of like a team of super heros. Everyone has a job and they all come out of nowhere. It usually starts with a couple of girls coming in to run interference and get you away from the creepy guy that has been feeding you drinks all night. another two shuffle you off to the bathroom one to hold your hair and another to rub your back while they both tell you that you look just fine and no one saw you flash the entire line of guys waiting to get into the mens room. G-rated and none of them would give anyone even the inkling of what the night turned into. Then there is the runner. Her job it to get things like water or crackers. She also plays an intrical role in getting the rest of the troops together and out to the get away car. If there are any others looking like they are about to make time with a nice young man she is also known by us men as the "we gotta go girl" or "cock block. This girl is usually pretty simple to spot as she is also the one that every guys "wingman" has to distract in order to make our night a success. If not given sufficient
attention the "cock block" will turn your night to crap as she utters the words to you potential suitor "we gotta go Tina is getting sick."  Last but not least is the driver. She has drank only a half beer during pregame and a total of 2 shots and milked a vodka cranberry the rest of the night. They drop you off at your home safe and sound and even make sure you make it to your bed. Set you up with a cool cloth, a waste bucket just in case and tell you all will be fine in the morning. Even the next day they all check in on you with a text or call.

Now men with the same senario. You once again are completely hammered. We too all have jobs. First we have the staff photographer whos sole job is to start taking cell phone pictures of you and posting them on Facebook. Then the Coach. He is the one that starts giving you advice and pep talks on how great you look and how you are the man for taking another shot! He also tells you through giggles that the woman
you are talking to is hot. Even though she in much larger than you are and so much lip hair that when she sneezes she looks like a party favor. Now when you head back to the bathroom alone your friends take your wallet and pay the tab and then some for any cute girls in the vacinity. The only time your friends do come to the bathroom to check on you is when they have to pee and that is simply an over the shoulder "You OK bro?" If they do ever hold your hair it is just to give you a celebratory swirly. Our driver has been drinking all night but it's OK because he tells us it was just Bud Light which is just like water and he can handle his liquor unlike you who in his modest opinion is a complete pussy! Now there is the Commisioned Artists. Their job is draw, doodle and write all sorts of humiliating names and let's not forget about the fake mustache while you are passed out in the car on the way home. Finally there is the Ejection team. These are the guys that have the honorable task of kicking you out of the car shortly after giving you an atomic wedgie and upon ejection do doughnuts on your lawn while blowing the horn leaving you somewhere near your front door for all to find you in the morning. The whole team reassembles the next day to ask how you are but also to recount the entire night back to you along with video proof that the chick really was a dude.
While we are on the subject maybe you do have a lot of friends that are guys. However I can tell you with pretty solid certainty that most of them want to sleep with you if given the opportunity. The ones who don't are more than like gay and they still want to see your boobs and the others have already slept with you gotten sick of your crap but would still take a one timer if offered. Get drunk with any one of these guys and I all but garantee you wake up with your bra re-hitched crooked and your pants undone. Your only saving grace will be if you wear your special period panties that night.

So the bottom line here is unless you can pee your name standing up in snow without getting any in your sock. Are a ringer at an otherwise male dominated sport or remaking a great 1980's movie. And even then you are NOT one of the guys! Embrace the fact that you have a utterus and enjoy your fruity tasty drinks in public without people questioning your gender or sexual preference.


Monday, July 15, 2013

Funny Stuff

I was going through my phone the other day and found a bunch of stuff I've been meaning to put out there. My appologies for all this stuff at once but I hope these gave you the same bits of giggle I got out of them.

Sitting outside the Home Depot in Biddeford, Maine.

Marden's a discount store in Maine missed out on the sales of "Fat Elvis" stuff. Now presenting the "Fat Air Jordan" line of apparel.

Oh the humanity!!!! Will someone help these poor kids?! Road trips with a gassy dad is never fun. Sort of like being trapped in a room with a farting dog.

Now go make me a sandwich and we can talk all about your thoughts, feelings, dreams and hopes while I watch the game...

Something tells me this guy is overcompensating just a little... $10 bet there will be a shocking announcement from him during a Thanksgiving dinner.

Why can't you just bring your cell phone in or read the shampoo bottle again like a normal guy? It might be time to get this guy a magazine subscription for fathers day.



There are so many of these out as of late that most of them suck but here are a few that made me giggle...


I remember a time when coffee was just that. If you where to order a capacino, you were either at a 5 star restauraunt or the "Little Italy" part of town. Coffee would cost a whopping total of $1 as apposed to the credit check and small business loan you have to have in order to get a good latte. Let's not even get into the fashion choices or crowd you must be a part of in order to get past the front door to some of these magical bean spots. Coffee has become less about the caffein rush and a social drink in the break room and more of a statement on who we are. Sort of like chosing the right tie that fits your personality so goes your coffee. With all this pompt and circumstance being injected into our morning I wanted to pass along one way you can make it fun for you and weed out those with the tigh sphincter around you. Here is what you do...

Go to the front at your local coffee snob haven or a Starbucks will do in a pinch and oder your coffee however you like it. Double whip, non-fat, soy, no foam carmel maciato latte with 3 Splenda with chocolate powder, 2 extra espresso shots and a twist of lemon. When they ask your name to put on the side of your cup look at them with a serious face and tell them it is "Thor God of Thunder." The barista will just write Thor so make sure to tell her to not forget the "God of Thunder" part as you don't want to have your order mixed up and that it has happened in the past. When your coffee is ready be standing right next to the person doing it and when they call out "Thor! I have a Double back flip half fat no calorie soy latte with a twist for Thor ready!" Don't answer till they call out "Thor, God of Thunder!" Only then pick up your drink. 

I know, completely ridiculous but I did it the other day and it gave me a chuckle so I figured I would pass it along to you! 


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Show Me the Monkey!

As we all know by now there are many differences between men and women. The topic is something that has built careers for many the comedians and floated the conversation at countless parties. The battle of the sexes has torn apart nations and burned many a bra. So I as always I try to simplify this constantly evolving relationship and forever over-thought topic. Once again it is Charles The Bartender to the diplomatic rescue. To blaze the trail that separates us, to right the wrongs between us all, to be the Ambassador of Penis and the light in the attack to the keepers of the uterus. A champion to the testosterone challenged everywhere. With liberty and justice for all. Amen! Try to keep in mind this is a broad brush stroke and please don't get your panties in a bundle.

It's no mystery that since the dawn of time men have just wanted to see women naked. Entire industries have been produced just to satisfy our lustful urges. Great reputations and names like Christy Canyon, Marla Mounds, Bunny Bleu, Tanya Peaks and Candy Samples just to name a few of these American hero's have carved their name in history just by merely disrobing. The driving force behind these industries is the money from men. Even when new technology comes into play look at what we do with it. The Internet is among the more recent. Most men have no idea the Internet could be used for more than porn. All of us have a friend that we know damn well not to touch his keyboard.

With all this in mind I want to take you behind the curtain when it comes to men's minds. For men having women in our life that are not related to us (and in some areas of the county even then and I'm looking right at you Mississippi and West Virginia) we have not slept with or seen naked is sort of like this... I want you all to picture visiting a friend that told you she recently bought a monkey and she keeps it in a room upstairs. After getting this news she continues to chat about this, that and the other thing all the while just hanging out downstairs in his kitchen. What is it you are thinking the entire time she is talking? SHOW ME THE GOD DAMN MONKEY ALREADY!!!

Now keep in mind once we have seen one monkey we pretty much want to see them all. If a 166 year old women ran up to a group of 10 men right now and asked if they wanted to see her naked I can guarantee 6 of them would answer "Yup!" and they would sit quietly as she removed her orthopedic bra. I know, completely sick! Even worse I can tell you without question I have friends that would take pictures of this and put them on their Facebook page. It is just how we are wired.

The worst part is some ladies already know this valuable information and like to use it against us. Sort of like Kryptonite with Superman. Watch the next time a woman gets pulled over for speeding. In the 10 seconds it takes for that cop to get to the window she has already pulled her top down to about her navel and thought of something sad to have in the back of her mind so she can cry on cue if plan B is needed. I've watched as a woman has ordered a drink from me and then when I go to hand it to her she takes out her lady lumps as payment. I've watched that same chick show up to the bar with no money at all and get completely hammered on free drinks with nothing more than a set of perky nipples and a smile.

So ladies next time you speak to a guy and we have no idea or caring where your eyes are or even realize you have a head for that matter don't be shocked. Just think back to what I am telling you here today and show them the monkey!