Show Me the Monkey!

As we all know by now there are many differences between men and women. The topic is something that has built careers for many the comedians and floated the conversation at countless parties. The battle of the sexes has torn apart nations and burned many a bra. So I as always I try to simplify this constantly evolving relationship and forever over-thought topic. Once again it is Charles The Bartender to the diplomatic rescue. To blaze the trail that separates us, to right the wrongs between us all, to be the Ambassador of Penis and the light in the attack to the keepers of the uterus. A champion to the testosterone challenged everywhere. With liberty and justice for all. Amen! Try to keep in mind this is a broad brush stroke and please don't get your panties in a bundle.



It's no mystery that since the dawn of time men have just wanted to see women naked. Entire industries have been produced just to satisfy our lustful urges. Great reputations and names like Christy Canyon, Marla Mounds, Bunny Bleu, Tanya Peaks and Candy Samples just to name a few of these American hero's have carved their name in history just by merely disrobing. The driving force behind these industries is the money from men. Even when new technology comes into play look at what we do with it. The Internet is among the more recent. Most men have no idea the Internet could be used for more than porn. All of us have a friend that we know damn well not to touch his keyboard.

With all this in mind I want to take you behind the curtain when it comes to men's minds. For men having women in our life that are not related to us (and in some areas of the county even then and I'm looking right at you Mississippi and West Virginia) we have not slept with or seen naked is sort of like this... I want you all to picture visiting a friend that told you she recently bought a monkey and she keeps it in a room upstairs. After getting this news she continues to chat about this, that and the other thing all the while just hanging out downstairs in his kitchen. What is it you are thinking the entire time she is talking? SHOW ME THE GOD DAMN MONKEY ALREADY!!!

Now keep in mind once we have seen one monkey we pretty much want to see them all. If a 166 year old women ran up to a group of 10 men right now and asked if they wanted to see her naked I can guarantee 6 of them would answer "Yup!" and they would sit quietly as she removed her orthopedic bra. I know, completely sick! Even worse I can tell you without question I have friends that would take pictures of this and put them on their Facebook page. It is just how we are wired.

The worst part is some ladies already know this valuable information and like to use it against us. Sort of like Kryptonite with Superman. Watch the next time a woman gets pulled over for speeding. In the 10 seconds it takes for that cop to get to the window she has already pulled her top down to about her navel and thought of something sad to have in the back of her mind so she can cry on cue if plan B is needed. I've watched as a woman has ordered a drink from me and then when I go to hand it to her she takes out her lady lumps as payment. I've watched that same chick show up to the bar with no money at all and get completely hammered on free drinks with nothing more than a set of perky nipples and a smile.

So ladies next time you speak to a guy and we have no idea or caring where your eyes are or even realize you have a head for that matter don't be shocked. Just think back to what I am telling you here today and show them the monkey!

Cheers!