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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, September 30, 2013

Hi Haters!

I hear people say "I hate" this or that person all the time. The word "hate" is a powerful word and one we many of us use daily. Henry Rollins, the former lead singer of the punk group Black Flag and The Rollins Band has done many spoken word CD's and in one of them he talks about hate. He says, "taking the time and energy to actually hate someone is already giving them WAY to much of yourself. Sort of like the way people use that old saying when life hands you lemons make lemonade. Bullshit! Fuck you! Next time life hands you lemons take a big bite out of it and smile at who ever gave it to you and say, oh yeah! I like lemons what else you got?!"
Hating someone means nothing more than they won! They own you. Outside of love hate is far and away the next most powerful emotion we can have. Some might even argue that hate is even more powerful. Hate means that person has rented out space inside of you and is now making waffles in your brain kitchen. Hate then turns to a lust for revenge and then those thoughts start occupying your day. We are all guilty of it. Some a lot more than others. I am betting even at one point Jesus hated Satin. I'm not even talking about the big pecker heads that hated groups of people like Hitler, Mussolini or Bin Laden those assholes brought hate to a whole other level. Where the hell where all the anti-bullying campaigns when those guys where around. You would think at least a few of the members of the German military might look around at the camps and think you that many people don't need to shower all at once and maybe something should be done. Even the people who preach No H8! have their own hatreds. I was at a benefit once for the No H8 campaign and listened to someone tell me how much they hated another person in the very same room! 

Now I am not saying I am completely above it either. There are certainly people I highly dislike but I keep trying to go back to those words by Rollins. I'm human and hate is a real human emotion. There is even a movie entitled "The Thin Line Between Love and Hate." I have watched people go from one extreme to the other almost for no real reason but self preservation maybe. Like the band Saliva sings (yup I am quoting the band Saliva this is happening.) "I love you. I hate you. I can't live without you..."

I get hate mail for this blog or just a general disdain for who I am or what I believe in all the time. It's really quite flattering. I mean someone actually sat down to type me a message filled with raw emotion equivalent to that of love all be it the polar opposite. Unfortunately the person or persons never have the fortitude to give their true identity so it is hard to ever take the criticism of my character seriously. I can actually give a little respect to someone who is willing to confront another on a personal level. The other is just cowardice but I digress...

My suggestion is to stop all the hate although that will never happen. We will always live in a world that embodies war. Some careers are built solely on the hatred they generate toward themselves. Just look at the entire cast of the Jersey Shore. At least Facebook never developed a "Hate button" That would be a hilarious count. Instead from now on I'm trying to find at least one good thing or remember one good time with that person. Then like I was taught in the Army about how to deal with a Drill Sargent yelling at you. Don't bother listening to them calling you an asshole or whatever other name they may have for you. Filter that part out. Listen to why. Once you get that message you can decide your course of action from there. After that I have learned to turn to indifference. I have learned the indifference is an even greater insult than hate. Indifference means you care less if the person is dead or alive. They take no position in your life's journey. Like the old Latin phrase goes, "Illigitimi Non Est Carbarundum" loosely translated means "Don't let the bastards wear you down." If they are not enriching your life in some shape or form then clear them from the path and move in the direction of something or someone positive.

Now here's a little Rollins just to make you giggle...  



Thursday, September 19, 2013

Pumpkin Lovin'

Truth be told I am not a big "beer guy," "beer snob" or conosoier by any means. I am just a guy that enjoys a good cold beer on a hot day or a tastey beer on occasion. Fall for me is a great occasion. I am fortunate enough to live in Maine and that is the home to the Shipyard brewery and the creator of my favorite beer Pumpkinhead Ale. If you're an evolved enough man and comfortable with your own sexuality then you don't have an issue of mixing fruit or vegitables (whatever a pumpkin is categorized as) with your beer. The great part of this Ale is that it is so versatile and pumpkin much like apple is a flavor that lends itself to many variations. So instead of my usual banter about life, liberty or the pursuit of boobies I offer you some tastey ways of serving this seasonal delicacy. 

Rimming the Glass:
First let's talk about rimming the glass. Yes you can certainly just take your ale in a ice cold pint or beer mug. However what fun would that be and how are you suppose to creep out or turn on depending on their preference the people around you as you contort your tongue to get every last bit off the rim? Rimming the glass is a good way to add flavor without adding alcholoc content. The rim flavor also kickstarts the taste buds and layers your flavors. Typically the rim is cinnamon sugar. attaching the cinnamon sugar is another issue. Lime juice gives a funny after taste, so I like to use vanilla frosting or marshmello fluff. Beware the fluff is good but tough to get off the rim when washing the glass. Here are a few other options feel free to use a combination of them as well: nutmeg, honey, agave syrup, caramel syrup and cinamon or maple syrup and brown sugar with cinamon. The possibilities are pretty much endless. As long as you r are thinking fall flavors you really can't go wrong.

Bring on the Recipies...
Captain Pumpkinhead
Add a shot of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum to a pint of Pumpkinhead

Pumpkin Pie
Add a shot of Pinnacle Whip Vodka & Captain Morgan Spiced Rum to a pint of Pumpkinhead. Rim Glass with vanilla frosting and cinnamon sugar for the taste of ice cream on the side.

Drunken Pumpkin
Add a shot of Stoli Vanilla Vodka to a pint of Pumpkinhead

Pumpkin Bomb
Pour ½ oz Pineapple Rum and ½ oz Bailey's Irish cream into a shot glass. Drop the shot into a half pint of Pumpkinhead

Pumpkin Cocktail
3/4 ounce pumpkin butter
3/4 ounce ginger simple syrup
1/2 ounce fresh-squeezed lemon juice
1 ounce vanilla vodka
2 dashes orange bitters
chilled Post Road Pumpkin Ale (seasonal release from Brooklyn Brewery)
orange twist to garnish

*Shake all ingredients except beer well over ice. Strain into the bottom of a pilsner glass. Top with beer. The beer should comprise about 2/3 of the final volume of the cocktail. Twist orange rind over drink to release oils.

++ To make ginger simple syrup, add 3/4 cup chopped, peeled ginger to two cups simple syrup in saucepan. Simmer for five minutes. Strain and discard ginger.

I'm sure there are many more options out there and I would love to hear them all so if you have a recipie you want to share give me a shout!


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hooray for Boobies!

Fun bags, hooters, melons, boobies, the girls, jugs, bazoombas, ta-ta's, golden bozos, bra boulders, orbs, globes, titties, bouncing lovelies, sweater meat, yams, dirty pillows, party balls, milk makers, knockers, speed bumps, assets, water coolers, bumpers, mounds, twin peaks, targets, warheads, boobs, breasticles,
beach balls, blouse puppies, honkers, and tits. Those where just a few euphemisms I could come up with off the top of dome. Imagine if I sat down and really thought about it and made a real list? Then again the day would go something like sit down with pen and paper think of three names, want to see the real thing, go on the Internet to see the bouncing Bettie's, spend an hour on the Internet, grab a chicken burrito and a hot towel, take a nap and repeat this process about 10 times till I have no more names left or the day is over. This posting would never be forever a work in progress... I digress.

The subject matter here if you haven't noticed already is breasts! HOORAY!!! Feels sort of like the end of Sesame Street. Today's message is brought to you by the letter B and the number 2. Whichever way you slice it just like pink being the new black. Tits are in! Big, small, happy, sad, perky or staring at the floor. As a man I can tell you that we want to see them all. All men and even women want to see them. We all love a great rack. (Hey there's another name.) Even gay guys want to see them. Even better they have a free pass to grab just about any set without risk of injury. We are all guilty of adoring the almighty boob and with good reason. They are just so many to choose from. The spherical shape is inviting with no jagged edges then coming to the perfect ending with a built in pacifier. I know a few ladies with misinformed or totally uneven breasts  and if they didn't have the moral fortitude that they did they could easily enter a wet t-shirt contest and take home both 1st and 3rd prize.

Ladies who have the perfect set have it made. Take the homeliest looking woman and put a great set on her and she never gets a traffic ticket as long as she lives. Ladies forget the tears next time you are pulled over even if the cop is a women. You could be doing 80 in a school zone, while popping a wheelie in a Winnebago and you will be let off the hook if you are showing the right amount of cleavage. 

Look around and you see pink ribbons and "Save the Ta-ta's"  stickers around every corner. No one is sporting blue testicle cancer ribbons on their truck or wearing a brown colon cancer bracelet. Even Lance Armstrong before everyone thought he was a douche bag was a champion of the cancer cause, but even he went with yellow and the phrase "Live Strong" to support cancer research and even that was all cancer not focused on saving the nuts. Not to take any seriousness away from the cause. I have had friends, relatives, family and neighbors that have suffered from breast cancer and it is a very serious cause. Something I hope we find a cure to in the near future. However with that said I would run
 5k all day long if we could wipe out boob disease and I HATE running! The group that came up with the "Save the ta-ta's" campaign should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize while the guy who thought he would change the state of awareness with the "Love your junk" campaign isn't even allowed back into his old high school and his parents stay far away from what he does for a living at parties in mixed company. Even NFL and NBA teams have taken up the cause. At least one week of the NFL season you will see these manliest of men, 300+ lb behemoths doing battle on the gridiron in pretty pink shoes, towels, socks, shoes and gloves. It is one thing for the WNBA to do it. But could you picture years ago before it became in style to support such
causes on a public stage. I couldn't imagine Dick Butkiss with his flat top haircut or "Mean-Joe" Greene with his deadly snarl wearing anything pink on Sunday. But we as a culture have evolved and there is no longer public ridicule. Where as before in my early years the Oakland Raiders had shirts that said "Real Men Wear Black" emblazoned across the chest for all their fans. Now Pink has taken its place.

I have seen the inside of many a bars and not once have I ever heard someone yell out "show us your balls!" Now yes it is possible I have not been to the right bar for that phrase but go to ANY bar and a woman dumps out the girls and there is going to be jubilation. She will probably even get a free drink or two. Guys whip out old Hank and the Twins and you are more than likely going to get tossed out of the bar with your pants around your ankles and heckled all the way to the waiting police car where you will be booked for public indecency. No matter how well groomed and pretty your man meat may be they still aren't really all that attractive. Even a set of those sweet truck nuts you can hang from the trailer hitch of your pretty Chevy looks like a sad disabled veteran sitting on two beat up duffel bags.

Yes, I say again tits are IN! This is the decade of the boobie!... Unless your a dude with man boobs (moobies) then leave your shirt on because that shit is out and with good reason. Keep swimming with a t-shirt on chubby. If it were a good thing for us guys to have a great set of jugs you can bet we would have those bad boys surgically enhanced. Forget Viagra. The newest craze would be estrogen pills and fellas would be crying at the drop of a hat and we would lose every war imaginable. By now the US would be Communist. You could bet the house on that. Surgeons newest issue would be to find a way to make them refillable like camel bags with something useful in them like beer, wine or chocolate milk. You know for sure we couldn't be trusted with them for long either because now every guy would be armed with a loaded super soaker.
For now though we are all held hostage by your set of morals ladies. But know this. We ALL love breasts. If someone flashes us on the highway when our day is complete crap I guarantee that completely changes the course of the evening. The only thing remembered is some happy woman grinning ear to ear while dumping out the twins! So my advice to you all here is if you got them flaunt them! Don't keep them all to yourself! I know I and everyone else wants to see them! Flash a stranger it's good for their mental health and the response you will get will give you lift that will last the whole day. Traffic will become bearable, coffee will seem unnecessary and smiles will be endless! On the flip side of this, I and everyone else should set aside a jug (feel free to paint it pink)
and every time you get to see a fresh rack put a small donation in. At years end sit back with the memories of
the mamories and donate the contents to cancer research. It's a win-win all the way around. So ladies I implore you all please to show us your tits!!!


Monday, September 16, 2013

The Mating Ritual of the Blue Whale

Channel surfing the other day while watching a baseball game lead me to National Geographic and a program on the mating rituals of a variety of animals. The Blue Whale was the topic of this most recent topic. For some reason I found myself oddly curious so I stopped to watch for a minute. One lead to two and two turned into 5 as I couldn't stop watching. Allow me to explain...

So to start off the female of the species sends out the bat signal. A beautiful song she sings in the water to all the other dudes hanging around that attracts all the males within ear shot. Sort of like a sign for free beer and topless waitresses near a military installation. This song can be heard for 50 miles around. So here come all the swinging whale dicks and the first one to touch the female just floating in waiting wins the female.

Now once one dude touches the willing young lady the rest of the whales don't hang around player hating. They just dip out. No hanging around wanting to watch or seeing if they can join in. Also no excuses why they didn't win like "I got caught in a rip current" "there was a lot of traffic in the harbor." or "I ate a lot of krill today and I haven't swam competitively in a few years." Nope, they just bounce to leave the winner to his chicken dinner.

The winning male takes off now about 10 miles away. The whole time the female is floating there like "hey where you going? You just got here and already you're out?" 10 miles away the male turns around and starts his journey back to the female. Why 10 miles away you ask? Simple the male Blue Whale erection is approximately 12 feet long. Allow me to quantify this for you. I mean I have seen some weird Internet porn where the dude is sporting 9+ inches where it looks like a baby's arm clutching a plum but 12 FEET long picture Shaq with Kobe standing on his shoulders. Even better who's job do you think it was to measure this. I just know it was some poor hopeful oceanographer on his 3rd day out on some boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean thinking they have achieved their dream of being out on the open ocean and seeing the dolphins jumping by the side of the boat as the mist sprayed their face and the cool breeze splashed their skin. All of a sudden they see off the starboard bow this giant whale jump out of the water and the biggest smile comes across their face. As the rest of the crew stands behind this person getting ready to drop the news on this poor SOB that his first real job after moping the deck is to go get into the water and measure the mighty whale penis.

So by this point I am seriously starting to question my own sexuality because all I really want to see out of morbid curiosity is a 12 foot whale dick. The rest of the night after the Whale show I kept flipping back and forth to the Playboy Channel just to be certain I was still turned on by the female anatomy. (I was!) 

Now here is the weird part. I have already missed well over half the game I was watching and fully locked on to the piece of nature programming. No homo... but I was completely fascinated. So there I was on the edge of my seat watching as the whale now turn around after swimming away 10 miles and start on his journey back to the female who is now floating on top of the water waiting for his Blue butt to get home and take care of business. This is the parallel I thought was so close to the human world.

 Sound familiar ladies? Your fella heads out with some friends for what is suppose to be just a couple beers and doesn't get back till 2:30 in the morning. You have since slipped into a little lacy number possibly with stockings and special shoes while keeping one eye on your cell phone and the other on the door waiting for one of them to bring his trifling ass home. Around 1am your tired of waiting and you slip out of sexy mode into the pissed off period panties, flannel pants and shirt that just smells a mixture of drool and sleep no matter how many times you wash it.

Note to all ladies: No matter how "cute you think "Hello Kitty" is, we don't think it is cute at all. Signed: All real men. SERIOUSLY!

Then he comes barreling in a couple hours later all fat and happy talking about "Baby I'm home!" Like nothing ever happened just rock hard and ready. Now he climbs into bed and starts poking you in the back all wrapped in excuses and covered in stripper glitter. At this point it's an internal struggle of weather you stay aggravated and point him to the Internet or just take dick so you can finally get to sleep.

So just like Ron Jeremy before a big scene, this whale has to work up the blood flow in the right place. It takes more than a few minutes to get 12 foot of erection inflated I can only imagine. So here he comes at full speed ahead by the time he reaches the 5 mile mark he is a little over half way to fully erect. At 7 miles he has traveled a long way through the water with wood. I walk through the house late at night I knock stuff over and I am nowhere near 12 foot long.playa!" Flash to the female who gets her first look at the 12 foot love monster headed in her direction and the look on her face of shear terror. "Help this dude is going to stab me!!!"
This penis has fishing nets, 6 pack holders, fishing wire and hooks all in it, seaweed and whatever else along the way. So at 8 miles he dives down to the depths of the ocean floor. shaking off all the collected sea gunk and getting the last few inches set to do work. At this point I swear the whale looked at the camera a winked. As if to say "Yup I got this

It was at this point I had to leave the National Geographic channel. I just couldn't watch anymore. However I can tell you I just didn't sleep that night. Feel free to check out the video below to watch how the rest of the process shakes out.

I hope you learned something new!