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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Love Lessons 101

Sometimes I sit down to write a post and it takes me a few days, other times it can take months to develop an idea and other times even longer depending on my level of writers block. Which turns out is a real thing, even for me that seems to have an unlimited amount to say at any given time. Tonight however it is going to all drop at once. As I sit here 2 beers and a half glass of banana rum on the rocks in already. I feel it somewhat necessary to pontificate on matters of the heart. More over about relationships all together. So please excuse me if this gets a bit disjointed, my thoughts at midnight 30 aren't completely lucid but I feel this sermon is long overdue. So get out your notebooks, pen and get your popcorn ready cause this rant train is on the move.

I have had my fair share of relationships in my 41 years of life. Some good some not so good and some down right tragic. I've learned enough to teach a full semester of college. I have loved and lost more than most and many times it has been the complete fault of the one I see daily in the mirror. I have a lot to draw on for experience and I am certainly not perfect when it comes to love. Charles The Love Doctor is now in and this brings me to my first point:

Love and trust are the same damn thing!
When you say to someone "I love you" you are essentially saying "I trust you with everything and all I have." I am not just speaking about worldly possessions here. This means you trust this person with every detail of your life. Every speck that is you. Think about it for a moment. This means even those completely messed up thoughts you have in the middle of the night. You trust that person with it all. Whatever makes you laugh, cry, lose your mind or could completely tear you down as a individual. Telling that person you love them means you trust them with all of that. You trust no only that they will listen but that they will respect and honor that information and never use it against you or purposefully hurt you in any way. If I hear one more person say to me "I love them but I don't trust them" I might just poke that person in the eye. Also keep in mind trust is all or nothing. There is no thing as being "sort of pregnant" and there is no such thing as only having a little trust. Black and white here people. No grey area!
You may think you love that person. However without trust. Love is not what you are feeling. You are feeling a number of other emotions. Lust, desire, comfort, solitude, maybe even a small touch of security. Sort of like Linus from The Peanuts with his blanket. Sure he could walk without it, but he didn't want to. Saying you love someone you don't trust is just that.

Take off your blinders!
Realize dead weight when you see it! I was talking to a girl tonight that told me she wants to leave her current boyfriend because they fight all the time, he doesn't have a job, he deals drugs for money, also he is on drugs to stay away from other harder drugs, he's been to prison already, he doesn't even have his original teeth and he can't keep even the most menial of jobs because he doesn't like the work. All this while she is working two jobs and supporting the two of them. He keeps telling her he is going to change and every once in a great while shows just enough initiative to keep her thinking happy thoughts but really we all know that will never happen. All this and she says "But I love him and can't just let him go because I care too much." What in the holiest of fuck...???

One, stop hiding behind you care too much. That's not it. You are afraid to be alone. End of sentence. Trust me when I tell you being alone is a scary place. There is lots of uncertainty and everywhere you go there are happy couples and songs on the radio about love and affection. Will anyone ever love you again? Maybe. Going to bed alone is awful. I actually miss cold feet on me before I go to sleep, or just feeling someone rest her head on my chest before we roll over to sleep. Being single is only what I can imagine purgatory to be like. Even worse it's like being an ugly cat at an animal shelter. You know like the ones with no fur and resting bitch face. The ones that look like foreskin with attitude... Women walk by and look at you and seem to say "well look at him. I mean sure he has big ears and a jacked up behind but he means well. I mean I would take him home but I have a dog already..." All I can tell you is that someday some one special will come into your life... or not. How the hell should I know. What I do know is staying in that relationship means you will never find the right one.

Second, do you know why you never see homeless people and millionaires hanging out? Because successful people surround themselves with other successful people. Many times we are a product of our environment. This doesn't mean you need to rush out and find millionaire friends and then you too will be a millionaire. What this means is successful people come in all shapes and backgrounds. This knucklehead however is never going to be shit! Everyday there is going to be another excuse of how the system or his issues hold him back from achieving a higher level. You on the other hand are buying the very flaming bag of crap he is selling. Just like Chris Rock says about relationships working. I'm paraphrasing here but he says: "You have to be on the same page or that shit just isn't going to work. If one of you is like I'm headed to church what are you doing today? I'm going to smoke crack! That relationship is doomed. At least if your both crack-heads you can be crack-heads together."

Finally, of course he says he loves you. He's going to cling to her ass like a midget to a flagpole in a hurricane. You are all his ass has. The only thing he can give you is loyalty. You are his alpha and omega. Count all the tangible aspects he brings to the relationship. Wake me up when he gets to 3 if he ever does.

Bottom line here is you need to be able to look beyond your feelings. Is this person ever going to enrich your life. Sure his family and friends probably love you to death. Why? Because you are keeping that pain in the ass out of their hair. You're keeping him from dragging them down. Bet your ass they want to see your relationship last. They will even pump you up and cheers you on.

Know when to hold and when to fold!
Just like Kenny Rogers sang in "The Gambler." "Know when to walk away and know when to run." Truer words have never been spoken. Alright maybe they have been, but that is some pretty damn good advice. When you do call it quits, do it all the way. Leaving the door open for reunions and hangouts is just keeping the thought alive and the wound covered. Summon up your virtual cohunes and drop the hammer on them. "I took a vote and you are out." Tear off the band-aide completely and toss it away. Like my Mom always told me, "If you are in a relationship and you need the person to change, then you are in it for the wrong reasons."

That is all the knowledge I have for tonight boys and girls. My glass is empty and my eyes are tired...

Mic drop... Cheers! 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Damn White People

Yup, this guy is wearing leg warmers!
There is no question that I'm a white guy. Seriously if you see me in mid summer, I am the guy that looks like Elmer's Glue in khaki shorts and a blue shirt with a glowing red bald head. When Crayola finally invents the color "white guy" I am all but certain I will be the inspiration. With that said it has never been really all that cool to be white. Unless you are one of the Mark Zuckerberg, Shaun White, Tom Brady or Eminem's of the world and even then the cool factor is limited. Being a white guy we are always looking for a way to pull off some level of cool. Shawn White and several others had to follow Tony Hawk in making up sports to achieve cool kid status. Before the X-games existed theses guys where viewed as just stoners without jobs. Now they are stoners with medals...

Not since the Bee Gees and John Travolta has it been cool to be a white guy. Let's face it when was the last time a white guy had his own shoe? Andrea Bargnani was the #1 pick in the NBA draft in 2006 and Andrew Bogut in 2005. I didn't even see them on a Gatorade commercial. Something tells me that there won't be many kids asking their parents for the Pony "Ghost's" this Christmas. LA Gear? Reebok? Anyone?...

All this aside I have been doing some "white people surveillance" and the results have been short of pretty. However after such research I think I may have a few ideas of what not to do in order to help my pigment deficient brethren. I have compiled a list of things we all must either stop at once or take into consideration. If we do this then we have an outside chance at white people finally getting back to the cool column.

+ Putting feet up on the dash board or out the window of the car: There is nothing worse than being stuck in traffic and seeing some ones nasty dirty socks or hammer toes just chilling on the side view mirror. We think we look pretty chill and that all is good. It's not! Your feet stank please pull them back in the car.

+ Ski hats in the summer: It's 80+ degrees outside and you're wearing a knit ski hat. You must be sweltering. I'm sweating just looking at you.

+ Take your kids off the leash: Don't get me wrong watching one of those kids start to sprint toward something they want only to find the end of the leash as they are yanked back by the bungee cord toward a parental unit is hilarious. However, one of these days one of them damn kids is going to get off that leash and bite someone. Then what? Guess we'll just have to do the humane thing and put him down.

+ Pants hanging below your ass: This is how prisoners display they are gay to other prisoners and these clowns are doing it out in public. If you are one of these clowns just know you are constantly on the verge of getting either an atomic wedgie or butt fucked by a very large man at any point in time. Picture it as playing Russian Roulette with your butthole.

+ Being offended: Seriously no one gives a shit. Who or whatever lit the fuse on your tampon, we all could care less. The United States is already filled with whining babies for a ton of silly reasons. Suck it up and deal with it. Life is tough sunshine. Time to hike up the Huggies and drive on kiddo.

+ Airing your dirty laundry or making announcements on any sort of social media: This also falls under the "who gives a shit column."

+ Men in skinny jeans: For goodness sake imagine what you are doing to old Hank and the twins. Like my Pop always told me. Your pants should be a like a fine hotel, plenty of ball room. (Feel free to write that one down.)

+ Survival Shows: Notice you NEVER see any minorities on shows like "Naked and Afraid" or "Alone in the Woods" or any other survival show on Discovery. Actually you rarely see any minorities on The Discovery, History or A&E channels period.  Huh! that was an odd epiphany...  What I am trying to tell you however is that you have a home with a stove and a microwave. We as humans are the top of he food chain. For the love of Christ rejoice in this every damn day! Get back on the grid like the rest of us poor schmucks. The local supermarket has all the food you need just packed with great human growth hormones.

+ Making up stunts and going splat: If you jump off a high building, cliff or any other tall structure you should in no way be remembered in a serious light. We should however make you into a cartoon and much like the Willey Coyote play however you met your demise on a loop at your funeral along with a whiteboard display of the planning of said stunt so we can all have a hearty chuckle at your expense. You're not an innovator nor a hero. You're a dumbass!

+ Shooting up entire groups of people: Every other race gets angry and shoots the person that pisses them off and although I don't condone it, on some level I understand it. White guys get angry and they shoot and blow up EVERYBODY!!! It's gotten to a point where the last time I was at Dunkin Doughnuts there was a white guy in front of me in line. When he started to get upset that he couldn't use a coupon. I saw this guy starting to get angry and I just left. While we're on the topic. If you see any other race running in a direction, run with them! Trust me when I tell you that their instincts for inherent danger is better than yours.

+ Fad diets: Let me get this straight, you're going to be a miserable pain in the ass while losing 8lbs and bragging about it on Facebook. Your "diet" is going to be some crazy menu that makes you feel like a puddle and crap like a donkey on colon blow. Here's a tip. Your 20 year old body is gone. Long gone. Deal with it. Go out and find yourself a bigger fatty that's great in bed and have lots of sloppy sex and eat whatever you want in the process.

+ Vegans, Vegetarians and people into "wellness":  Have you ever noticed people that are into "wellness" look like they are about to die any minute? Listen close to someone who survives on Echinacea root and wheat grass for more than a few weeks. You will hear their body crying out "for the love of God just give me a steak!" Never mind just find me a cow and I will kill it myself when no one is looking and blame it on a Republican!"

+ Running through mud: One of the biggest events in the summer here is something called the "Tough Mudder" This is an obstacle run by soccer moms and 30 something's through the mud. There is no prize for finishing first and everyone gets a medal and a t-shirt for their $40 entry fee and right to run this course. They take a ton of pictures and post them up everywhere so all their friends can give them a big "you go girl!" I keep getting asked to do these silly events. I did something like this already, it was called "Army training." This is where we ran through the mud and under barb-wire and obstacles that simulated a twisted battlefield set forth by a demonic Jenga enthusiast (where there would ever be a battle field this involved is beyond my imagination.) All the while they fired automatic weapons and set off quarter sticks of dynamite around us, in the hopes of teaching us how not to get our ass shot off in a real battle.

+ Kale Sucks: White people let me be the one to carry the torch on this one. It may be a "super food" but it tastes like you are eating grandma's curtains and makes you crap doily's. Congrats you're healthy! You're also completely miserable with your diet. If you need to learn the right way to enjoy food go down south. Places like Arkansas and Mississippi. They may not know their A,B, C's but let me tell you they are fat and happy. They don't even try to hide that they their fat. Go to any diner below the Mason - Dixon line and you might just see a tub of lard on the menu. Deep frying that tub is only .10 cents more. Fat people are jolly. FACT!

+ Target $1 section: Whenever I go to target, I at least make a pass through he $1 section. None of us need any of that crap but for some reason us white people just have to buy it because it is just a dollar.

+ Dropping the N bomb is not OK because you have friends that are black: A few months ago a bunch of us where in a bar here lily white Maine. I think the Black population here is 2 and the Hispanic population here is 7. A guy comes right up to my friend Dereck who just happens to be black and asks him if he can "be a little racist for a moment" Seriously! Dereck looked at me as if to say "does this happen all the time up here?" The little white guy proceeds to tell us an off color joke. We both laugh but not at the joke. We laugh at the fact that have tis same guy tell the same joke in a different place where he was racially out-numbered and see what happens.

+ Picking our own fruit: I think this is suppose to evoke a feeling of accomplishment and make us appreciate the harvest of our labor more when biting into that berry we plucked ourselves. The simple fact is that this is very leisurely work with no real expectation (the complete opposite of a migrant worker.) Then we pay for the opportunity to do so. The whole thing is the agricultural equivalent to a liberal arts degree. It feels like you've done real work when you really haven't.

+ Camping: If anyone else where trapped in the middle of the woods with no electricity, running
water or cooking source it would be considered a worse case scenario. White people watch a week of the Discovery channel and all the survival shows they can and then go voluntarily camping. Let me tell you camping sucks. Nothing about this is simple. Watch as these people load up their Subaru Outback with a roof racks, drive an extended period of time to pay an entry fee to a national park or camp site and begin to "get away from it all." These people are completely unaware of the irony of driving a gas chugging SUV to bring them closer to nature.

+ Starbucks: There use to be a time when men would go into a diner and order a cup of coffee. The guy behind the counter would pull out a cup and saucer along with a large pot of coffee and serve it to you hot and black. Sure there was cream and sugar for you to use but that was all there was to the transaction. Now there is Starbucks and lots of other coffee shops like them. You need to know an entirely different language ridden with words like vente, grande, soy latte and macchiato. I may be one of the worst offenders of this one. I love their coffee. I remember being in the Army and drinking coffee that tasted like sludge but it kept me awake and alert and that is all that mattered. Now I want a coffee and not only do I go for the one that looks like an ice cream Sunday but I suddenly acquire the obligatory gay lisp to do said ordering. Then the bill comes! $8 for a large cup of this caffeinated delight. I swear the last time I went to purchase a cup they ran a credit check for a small business loan. The funnier part here is how many unemployed people hang out in a place like this all day drinking overpriced coffee all the while stealing their WiFi because they can't afford their own for the house.

+ Ed Hardy and Tap-Out! T-shirts: Just because your shirt looks like a tattoo or is produced by a fight club doesn't make you a tough guy. settle down killer!

+ Treating your pets like people: Your dog just finished eating table scraps, bathing himself with his tongue, acknowledging his buddy by sniffing his fart locker and drinking out of the toilet bowl. A dog should be on a leash not in a stroller and no I will not friend it on Facebook.

+ Microbrew beer: There is a new group of assholes in this world calling themselves "beer snobs." Basically a group of guys that got to fat to be pontificating over what herbs and notes are in a glass of chardonnay have now made the jump to beer. It's a beer. Beer is good. Don't be a dick and try to educate me while trying to sound better than be for being able to suck down a harsh IPA. Just drink your beer and catch a buzz like the rest of us. While your at it shave the beard your mouth looks like a overgrown vagina.

Alright that is all I've got for now. So go out there with this new found knowledge and see a Spike Lee movie or something to help further this process. Little by little white people we can get at least a little closer to being cool again.