Bless this Blog.

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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Friday, January 31, 2014

The Invention of ... FAIL!

Before the days of YouTube there were still plenty of opportunities to fail just it wouldn't be on tape for the world to see. Really it's a guilty pleasure to watch a women tumble down a flight of stairs in high heels, or a kid try to make a jump over a flight of stairs and missing his back tire only to ride the banister with his butt crack. I always get a chuckle seeing a dad pitch to his kid because you always know whats next is a line drive to the twig and berries. Let's not forget the flip turned scorpion, the belly flopping girls in bikinis, ridiculous dancing, and  my favorite is the selfie gone terribly wrong fail... So my words of wisdom are pretty simple. You all keep that shit up!  Keep the cameras running and when I'm around I pray the lens is pointed in the opposite direction.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Things You Learn in the Dead of Winter

All the talk especially in New England states is about the "Polar Vortex." What is this "Polar Vortex" you ask? Simply put it's the media's way of drumming up some fear on slow news days and a better way to say "Holy shit it is fucking cold out there!" So that dirty bitch Mother Nature has decided to rear her ugly head and give all of the northern states blue balls. Thanks a million! Although like most New England folks I to have adopted their stubbornness and retaliated by telling all of my southern friends that I love it here because of the 4 seasons and that I wouldn't have it any other way. So stick that in your ski hat and smoke it! Life has officially handed us all snowballs and I am making snow cones.

With all this said I have learned a thing or two over the years here. In my own style I have made a list to share with all of you the lessons that the harsh New England winters have taught me... Stay warm and enjoy.

    + Each layer of clothing equals 10 seconds of disrobing when you need to pee.

    + "Experts" say not to drink alcoholic beverages in sub-zero weather because your blood is then closer to your skin and it becomes a greater risk of frost-bite and hypothermia. However after a few drinks you start to really not give a rats ass about just how cold you are.
    + All dark haired beauties from the summer months look goth in the winter.
    The weather channel lies
    + Just when you think you are going to save money on the electric bill for air conditioning, your 3rd oil bill hits you.
    + Turtleneck sweaters make everyone look like an uncircumcised penis.

    + Every step you take on snow covered ground could be hiding a sheet of ice. One false step and your feet are over your head and your ass is in the air. Buckle up the landing isn't going to be half as fun as the flight.
    + Ladies, feel free to run a razor over your legs even when you are only wearing pants, just for good measure. A weed whacker should never be a fundamental part of your grooming. I speak for all males when I say no matter how light your hair is, it's still there and your legs now went from silky stems to furry tree trucks and we have nightmares about that one hairy lipped aunt that always wanted us as little boys to give her some sugar.
    + No one cares what they look like in a blizzard.
    + Hang onto your car scraper all year. Trust me you are going to need it when you lease expect it. Every damn year I toss out my brush/scraper in April only to be hit with a Nor-Easter just after the good Lord was suppose to rise again. (For all your non Christians that would be Easter.) Now you're left to scrape your windshield with a credit card or license which for anyone who has tried realizes that this is damn near impossible.
    + You wake up in the dark and it's dark again before you leave work.
    + Murphy's law: The moment you get completely bundled up, you will have to go to the bathroom.
    + Go outside and everything in your nose freezes immediately. The rest of the day you get the thawing process.
    + The best way to prevent hypothermia is body heat. We were taught in Army survival school that the best way to do this is to strip and lay naked with a buddy. Now try convincing that pretty girl you just met who said she was cold this is a far better solution than taking your coat.
    + Just because you have a truck with 4-wheel drive this does not mean you have 4-wheel stop! Truck vs Ice = Ice wins every time.
    + Running out of windshield washer fluid when all the dirt and sand is still on the road and your only recourse is to ride the bumper of the car in front of you in hopes he puts up enough wet spray to run your windshield wipers to give you a slightly less dirty field of view all the while praying he doesn't jam in the brakes.
    + The feeling of the air between your clothes and skin freezing when you walk out the door. The trip from your front door to your car can be complete hell if hell at 30 below.
    + Chapped lips: Kissing a someone wearing Carmex is the taste of licking the inside of a rubber glove.
    + You're having a romantic interlude and the clothes start to come off. Shoes, shirts, pants, bra, panties, socks... and then you are in the moment of truth! Ready to rock this fine sweet things little world and then her feet touch you. Holy crap! Did she borrow her feet from a cadaver?! Put your socks back on! Hell have mine and put those on too. Like she made her way to your bed by crossing the polar ice cap barefoot! Good luck getting an erection now. Good luck even finding your cock till spring when it finally comes crawling out and heaven forbid it sees it's shadow!... Oh wait that is a completely different thing. But seriously cold feet suck.
    + No one really knows what a "wintery mix" is. We just know not to leave the house when one is in effect.
    Scarf smell - That lovely smell that develops over your nose when snot mixes with fleece/ wool, hot breath and damp conditions.
    + Someone saying they need to get blown or plowed means something completely different than what you might be hoping for.
    + You finally get some nice days and wash the salt off your car, waiting hours in line at the car wash. Next day, blizzard.
    + Trying to put gloves on a toddler is sort of like trying to wrangle a wild turkey.
    + We all pray for a white Christmas. After that the prayers switch to global warming.
    + Wearing a scarf and a backpack is sort of like a really weak midget trying to take you down.
    + No matter how bad you want that jackass in a minivan to go swerving off into a ditch for driving 90 mph up your butt in a snowstorm with zero visibility it never does. It's always the family car doing 30 white knuckling on the highway that gets it.
    + Yellow snow is neither banana or lemon.
    + Seat warmers feel terrific on your lower back. Drawback is a horrible case of swamp ass.
    + No one ever wins in a snowball fight. you are either the guy with wet snow down your back or frost-bitten fingers.
    + Day 1 after snowfall is beautiful. Day 3 after snowfall is depressing. Sort of like a beauty queen that let herself go.
    + Flu shots give you flu like symptoms I realize there is a reason behind it however to me it makes as much sense as wiping before you poop.
    + Driving a car without 4-wheel or all-wheel drive is the equivalent of rollerblading on a muddy path, uphill.
    + Tow truck drivers have a lot of jokes when you are stuck in a ditch.
    + The salt you put on your driveway can not be used for your popcorn.
    + Throwing hot water on your vehicle does not rid you of ice. Instead completely encases your locks and doors. You will not be able to get in till the thawing season.
    + The first 40+ degree day after a string of snow filled, cold days, below 30 degrees is like the first days of spring here. You will see several people in shorts and flip flops. Don't buy into it! This is fools gold and another blizzard is on its way.

    I'm sure there is plenty more I could give you here however I have to go shovel my driveway... 


    Tuesday, January 21, 2014

    You're Bacon Me Crazy!

    Ever since I was a kid I can remember feeling it gave me to smell bacon cooking in my house every Sunday morning. It warmed my heart. The roughest week was washed away by Sunday church service and then family brunch that ALWAYS included bacon. The past few years I have seen more and more uses and recipes including this magical tasting piece of swine. My Muslim friends won't eat it and that just leaves more for me! As Chef Emeril Lagassee would say "You could put bacon on a bumper and it would make the bumper taste good. BAM!"

    As you might have guessed this is about bacon. I have had the opportunity to come up with a few unique recipes that incorporate this meat of the Gods. Bartenders around the world are jumping on the bacon bandwagon and I for one am no different.

    The first recipe I'm going to give you is for a Bacon Jam. I got this as a gift for Christmas this year and I am telling you this can be used as a good rim to the glass, spread on small pieces of toast on the side or just smear it all over your belly just for fun. F-you PETA this is salty, smokey and just plain delightful. I found this recipe online and it is pretty quick and easy to make.

    Bacon Jam
    1 1/2 lbs. - Sliced bacon, cut crosswise into 1-inch pieces 
    2 - Medium yellow onions, diced small 
    3 - Garlic cloves, smashed and peeled 
    1/2 cup - Cider vinegar 
    1/2 cup - Packed dark-brown sugar 
    1/4 cup - Pure maple syrup 
    3/4 cup - Brewed coffee

    In a large skillet, cook bacon over medium-high, stirring occasionally, until fat is rendered and bacon is lightly browned, about 20 minutes. With a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to paper towels to drain. Pour off all but 1 tablespoon fat from skillet (reserve for another use); add onions and garlic, and cook until onions are translucent, about 6 minutes. Add vinegar, brown sugar, maple syrup, and coffee and bring to a boil, stirring and scraping up browned bits from skillet with a wooden spoon, about 2 minutes. Add bacon and stir to combine. 

    Transfer mixture to a 6-quart slow cooker and cook on high, uncovered, until liquid is syrupy, 3 1/2 to 4 hours. Transfer to a food processor; pulse until coarsely chopped. Let cool, then refrigerate in airtight containers, up to 4 weeks. 

    OK so now that we have the jam out of the way onto the hooch! There are several recipes out there and I implore you, if you find yourself behind the bar to play with this flavor. There are a million ways to use it and it can range from intense to mild on the flavor chart. Here are a few of my favorite cocktail recipes. 

    Butternut Squash and Bacon Bloody Mary 
    2/3 cup - Butternut squash puree 
    1/3 cup - Vegetable stock 
    2 tblsp - Freshly grated horseradish 
    Dash of salt 
    1 tblsp - Ground pepper 
    1 ounce - Vodka or even better bacon-infused vodka!
    Chopped bacon, to garnish 
    lime wedge, to garnish
    Create a pre-mix of vegetable stock (about 1/3 cup) and Butternut squash puree (about 2/3 cup), boiled together and then cooled. Mix until it attains the consistency of V8. Mix in freshly grated horseradish to taste, a dash of salt, and fresh ground pepper. Add vodka and serve over rocks, garnishing with extra crispy house-smoked bacon and a wedge of lime to add that missing acidity.

    Eggs & Bacon Cocktail
    1 1/2 ounces - Bacon-infused gin 
    1 ounce - Egg whites 
    1/2 ounce - Lemon juice 
    1/2 ounce - Orange blossom honey syrup 
    Add ingredients to a cocktail shaker and shake well. Strain cocktail over ice in a tall glass. Garnish with a strip of bacon across the glass.

    Bourbon Bacon Bloody Cesar 
    In a pint glass filled with ice. 
    1.5 ounce - Bourbon
    1 tblspn - Soft bacon bits
    Clamatoe juice to fill. 
    *Rim glass with our Bacon Jam from above*
    Toss in a shaker and serve with bacon strip garnish

    Cheers !