Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Some of the Funniest Shit I've Heard This Past Week

Being a bartender you hear a fair share of chatter. Some good, some tragic, some sad, and some down right hilarious. This week proved to be no different than all the others in providing me plenty to laugh about. Here is a sampling of the things my ears where privy to...

While shooting Jagermeister: "Here's to black eyes and swollen pussy's!"

If you Google Image search "coughing" it looks like people blowing an invisible man.

I don't think I'm gay. I just don't like vagina and penis's make me smile.

She looks like she would swallow a dick half past last call.

Is it OK to teach my third grade class all about Ninjas? And tell all the kids that if they don't behave I know a few that will come kill them in their sleep?

Q: Do you hang yourself a little when you masturbate?
A: I'm the M in BDSM!

I think we should have a alternate to Fathers Day called "Bad Fathers Day." We pick a day in March right around March Madness time and all meet at the strip club where all the daughters of the "Bad Fathers" are dancing. The dirtiest of the strippers is the one that makes the most money on the day. All proceeds go to a community college fund for the nice young lady.

Also a web web gems I ran across this week:

On Facebook checkout "Ghetto Failure"

Sorry I don't have a whole lot else for you this week. I'm just trying to survive the frigged weather like everyone else. Got to love negative temperatures in New England.


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Simple Lessons Learned from 2012

So here I am in the 2013 and I wish to think with every passing year I become more evolved as a human being. So every year I like to sit in my big smoking chair with a glass of nice bourbon and maybe even a good cigar with my old dog Smooch by my side. Ahhh deep thought environment is now in effect. As I sit back and take a sip of the chilled libation and my first deep drag of the stoagie, I begin to think about the year that was. If you have read this bog at all you are sure to know more that I am a big fan of lists. Also after reading a book about the history behind the Declaration of Independence. I will start my list about the truths in life learned from the past few years with special emphasis on 2012 like this...

Today the second day of the first month in the year of our Lord two thousand and thirteen. I hold the following truths to be self evident:

If you had to wait for Jan 1 to start something life changing. It will not stick till Dec 31. People who want to make changes in their life do it right away.
Make something completely fool proof and I guarantee they will just create a bigger fool. Don't be that guy.

Just breath, and it will all be OK.

Stress is something we have when dealing with the inevitable.

Debt sucks but unless you are a hermit you're bound to incur it. You might as well live the dream while you can.

People who say they have outgrown certain aspects of their life have more or less just given up that activity for fear it is not a part of the social norm. Those who like to buck the social norm have a lot more fun.

Even the great Red Sox player Ted Williams struck out every once in awhile.

Yes it's true that being a winner is not about how many times you get knocked down, but rather if you get off the mat swinging. However why not learn how to duck out of the way every once in awhile.

When I say "I don't care." I mean it.

A 130 lb. lady can hold her liquor and is a far better drunk than a 250 lb. man with a dark side.

Sometimes life sucks. Get a helmet, make sure it fits, and put your name on it.

A left handed hand job really is awkward.

If you truly love someone, you never have a hard time showing it.

Be yourself. It is the best version of you there ever will be.

If you really do dance as if no one watching, trust me when I tell you that we are all watching, judging and no one will ever want to dance with you unless they are on the same medication.

Yeah we all get it, live, laugh, love. Enough already! Sort of like the tribal armband and the "Chinese symbol for..." tattoo. A) There is no such language as "Chinese." Either Mandarin or Cantonese are the majority dialects of China. B) We are all over it.  C) Learn to recognize a fad when you see one. D) Be original.

If you don't think you would be able to explain it to the paramedics. Don't do it.

No one cares that you are in the middle of something you feel is important if there is something important to them that they need.

Turn off your damn phone and learn to interact with people face to face. You can't depict tone from text and "LOL" will never take the place of a real emotion.

No one will ever question you if you call out sick with "dysentery."

If you have to shake and smell the carton of milk it is never a good idea to drink it.

Starting off the day with a brand new pair of socks and broken in underwear is always a good way to go. Reverse that with old socks and new underwear can easily have the reverse effect on your smile.

Don't be "that guy."

Other people will always have their own opinion about what should make you happy, be it temporary or in the long run. Don't let them influence your happiness. If you know that eating a double cheeseburger, naked in a beanbag chair while listening to Neil Diamond is what floats your boat then by all means go with what you know kid!

If you fake it till you break it. Eventually it will break. Have a back up plan.

Most scenarios we tend to worry about will never happen.

Be nice to others and it will eventually bite you in the ass.

Don't let the bastards wear you down.

No good deed EVER goes unpunished.

Whatever way you're doing it. You're doing it wrong.

The only way to get on with your life it to put your feet on the floor.

If a lot of people are running in one direction without numbers on them whatever your doing drop it and follow them. Either something really good is going to happen when you arrive at the destination or something really bad is about to happen where you are standing.

Say "yes" far more than you say "no" and life will be a lot more fun.

"I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

If you lend someone money and never hear from them again. That was probably a wise investment.

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

People who are into "wellness" look the sickest.

No matter how tight a woman is in the front, there is always another hole begging for your attention.

Nothing good ever comes from when your friends say "let's build a jump."

Men should never order drinks that involve more than 2 words, ie. "Beer," "Jack," "Jim," "Crown." The only time you should order anything that involves a full sentence with descriptive words is if you are holding hands with another man or trying to get a group of girls drunk to try some weird stuff with all of them.