|Yup, this guy is wearing leg warmers!|
Not since the Bee Gees and John Travolta has it been cool to be a white guy. Let's face it when was the last time a white guy had his own shoe? Andrea Bargnani was the #1 pick in the NBA draft in 2006 and Andrew Bogut in 2005. I didn't even see them on a Gatorade commercial. Something tells me that there won't be many kids asking their parents for the Pony "Ghost's" this Christmas. LA Gear? Reebok? Anyone?...
All this aside I have been doing some "white people surveillance" and the results have been short of pretty. However after such research I think I may have a few ideas of what not to do in order to help my pigment deficient brethren. I have compiled a list of things we all must either stop at once or take into consideration. If we do this then we have an outside chance at white people finally getting back to the cool column.
+ Putting feet up on the dash board or out the window of the car: There is nothing worse than being stuck in traffic and seeing some ones nasty dirty socks or hammer toes just chilling on the side view mirror. We think we look pretty chill and that all is good. It's not! Your feet stank please pull them back in the car.
+ Ski hats in the summer: It's 80+ degrees outside and you're wearing a knit ski hat. You must be sweltering. I'm sweating just looking at you.
+ Take your kids off the leash: Don't get me wrong watching one of those kids start to sprint toward something they want only to find the end of the leash as they are yanked back by the bungee cord toward a parental unit is hilarious. However, one of these days one of them damn kids is going to get off that leash and bite someone. Then what? Guess we'll just have to do the humane thing and put him down.
+ Pants hanging below your ass: This is how prisoners display they are gay to other prisoners and these clowns are doing it out in public. If you are one of these clowns just know you are constantly on the verge of getting either an atomic wedgie or butt fucked by a very large man at any point in time. Picture it as playing Russian Roulette with your butthole.
+ Being offended: Seriously no one gives a shit. Who or whatever lit the fuse on your tampon, we all could care less. The United States is already filled with whining babies for a ton of silly reasons. Suck it up and deal with it. Life is tough sunshine. Time to hike up the Huggies and drive on kiddo.
+ Airing your dirty laundry or making announcements on any sort of social media: This also falls under the "who gives a shit column."
+ Men in skinny jeans: For goodness sake imagine what you are doing to old Hank and the twins. Like my Pop always told me. Your pants should be a like a fine hotel, plenty of ball room. (Feel free to write that one down.)
+ Survival Shows: Notice you NEVER see any minorities on shows like "Naked and Afraid" or "Alone in the Woods" or any other survival show on Discovery. Actually you rarely see any minorities on The Discovery, History or A&E channels period. Huh! that was an odd epiphany... What I am trying to tell you however is that you have a home with a stove and a microwave. We as humans are the top of he food chain. For the love of Christ rejoice in this every damn day! Get back on the grid like the rest of us poor schmucks. The local supermarket has all the food you need just packed with great human growth hormones.
+ Making up stunts and going splat: If you jump off a high building, cliff or any other tall structure you should in no way be remembered in a serious light. We should however make you into a cartoon and much like the Willey Coyote play however you met your demise on a loop at your funeral along with a whiteboard display of the planning of said stunt so we can all have a hearty chuckle at your expense. You're not an innovator nor a hero. You're a dumbass!
+ Shooting up entire groups of people: Every other race gets angry and shoots the person that pisses them off and although I don't condone it, on some level I understand it. White guys get angry and they shoot and blow up EVERYBODY!!! It's gotten to a point where the last time I was at Dunkin Doughnuts there was a white guy in front of me in line. When he started to get upset that he couldn't use a coupon. I saw this guy starting to get angry and I just left. While we're on the topic. If you see any other race running in a direction, run with them! Trust me when I tell you that their instincts for inherent danger is better than yours.
+ Fad diets: Let me get this straight, you're going to be a miserable pain in the ass while losing 8lbs and bragging about it on Facebook. Your "diet" is going to be some crazy menu that makes you feel like a puddle and crap like a donkey on colon blow. Here's a tip. Your 20 year old body is gone. Long gone. Deal with it. Go out and find yourself a bigger fatty that's great in bed and have lots of sloppy sex and eat whatever you want in the process.
+ Vegans, Vegetarians and people into "wellness": Have you ever noticed people that are into "wellness" look like they are about to die any minute? Listen close to someone who survives on Echinacea root and wheat grass for more than a few weeks. You will hear their body crying out "for the love of God just give me a steak!" Never mind just find me a cow and I will kill it myself when no one is looking and blame it on a Republican!"
+ Running through mud: One of the biggest events in the summer here is something called the "Tough Mudder" This is an obstacle run by soccer moms and 30 something's through the mud. There is no prize for finishing first and everyone gets a medal and a t-shirt for their $40 entry fee and right to run this course. They take a ton of pictures and post them up everywhere so all their friends can give them a big "you go girl!" I keep getting asked to do these silly events. I did something like this already, it was called "Army training." This is where we ran through the mud and under barb-wire and obstacles that simulated a twisted battlefield set forth by a demonic Jenga enthusiast (where there would ever be a battle field this involved is beyond my imagination.) All the while they fired automatic weapons and set off quarter sticks of dynamite around us, in the hopes of teaching us how not to get our ass shot off in a real battle.
+ Kale Sucks: White people let me be the one to carry the torch on this one. It may be a "super food" but it tastes like you are eating grandma's curtains and makes you crap doily's. Congrats you're healthy! You're also completely miserable with your diet. If you need to learn the right way to enjoy food go down south. Places like Arkansas and Mississippi. They may not know their A,B, C's but let me tell you they are fat and happy. They don't even try to hide that they their fat. Go to any diner below the Mason - Dixon line and you might just see a tub of lard on the menu. Deep frying that tub is only .10 cents more. Fat people are jolly. FACT!
+ Target $1 section: Whenever I go to target, I at least make a pass through he $1 section. None of us need any of that crap but for some reason us white people just have to buy it because it is just a dollar.
+ Dropping the N bomb is not OK because you have friends that are black: A few months ago a bunch of us where in a bar here lily white Maine. I think the Black population here is 2 and the Hispanic population here is 7. A guy comes right up to my friend Dereck who just happens to be black and asks him if he can "be a little racist for a moment" Seriously! Dereck looked at me as if to say "does this happen all the time up here?" The little white guy proceeds to tell us an off color joke. We both laugh but not at the joke. We laugh at the fact that have tis same guy tell the same joke in a different place where he was racially out-numbered and see what happens.
+ Picking our own fruit: I think this is suppose to evoke a feeling of accomplishment and make us appreciate the harvest of our labor more when biting into that berry we plucked ourselves. The simple fact is that this is very leisurely work with no real expectation (the complete opposite of a migrant worker.) Then we pay for the opportunity to do so. The whole thing is the agricultural equivalent to a liberal arts degree. It feels like you've done real work when you really haven't.
+ Camping: If anyone else where trapped in the middle of the woods with no electricity, running
water or cooking source it would be considered a worse case scenario. White people watch a week of the Discovery channel and all the survival shows they can and then go voluntarily camping. Let me tell you camping sucks. Nothing about this is simple. Watch as these people load up their Subaru Outback with a roof racks, drive an extended period of time to pay an entry fee to a national park or camp site and begin to "get away from it all." These people are completely unaware of the irony of driving a gas chugging SUV to bring them closer to nature.
+ Starbucks: There use to be a time when men would go into a diner and order a cup of coffee. The guy behind the counter would pull out a cup and saucer along with a large pot of coffee and serve it to you hot and black. Sure there was cream and sugar for you to use but that was all there was to the transaction. Now there is Starbucks and lots of other coffee shops like them. You need to know an entirely different language ridden with words like vente, grande, soy latte and macchiato. I may be one of the worst offenders of this one. I love their coffee. I remember being in the Army and drinking coffee that tasted like sludge but it kept me awake and alert and that is all that mattered. Now I want a coffee and not only do I go for the one that looks like an ice cream Sunday but I suddenly acquire the obligatory gay lisp to do said ordering. Then the bill comes! $8 for a large cup of this caffeinated delight. I swear the last time I went to purchase a cup they ran a credit check for a small business loan. The funnier part here is how many unemployed people hang out in a place like this all day drinking overpriced coffee all the while stealing their WiFi because they can't afford their own for the house.
+ Ed Hardy and Tap-Out! T-shirts: Just because your shirt looks like a tattoo or is produced by a fight club doesn't make you a tough guy. settle down killer!
+ Treating your pets like people: Your dog just finished eating table scraps, bathing himself with his tongue, acknowledging his buddy by sniffing his fart locker and drinking out of the toilet bowl. A dog should be on a leash not in a stroller and no I will not friend it on Facebook.
+ Microbrew beer: There is a new group of assholes in this world calling themselves "beer snobs." Basically a group of guys that got to fat to be pontificating over what herbs and notes are in a glass of chardonnay have now made the jump to beer. It's a beer. Beer is good. Don't be a dick and try to educate me while trying to sound better than be for being able to suck down a harsh IPA. Just drink your beer and catch a buzz like the rest of us. While your at it shave the beard your mouth looks like a overgrown vagina.
Alright that is all I've got for now. So go out there with this new found knowledge and see a Spike Lee movie or something to help further this process. Little by little white people we can get at least a little closer to being cool again.