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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Mating Ritual of the Blue Whale

Channel surfing the other day while watching a baseball game lead me to National Geographic and a program on the mating rituals of a variety of animals. The Blue Whale was the topic of this most recent topic. For some reason I found myself oddly curious so I stopped to watch for a minute. One lead to two and two turned into 5 as I couldn't stop watching. Allow me to explain...

So to start off the female of the species sends out the bat signal. A beautiful song she sings in the water to all the other dudes hanging around that attracts all the males within ear shot. Sort of like a sign for free beer and topless waitresses near a military installation. This song can be heard for 50 miles around. So here come all the swinging whale dicks and the first one to touch the female just floating in waiting wins the female.

Now once one dude touches the willing young lady the rest of the whales don't hang around player hating. They just dip out. No hanging around wanting to watch or seeing if they can join in. Also no excuses why they didn't win like "I got caught in a rip current" "there was a lot of traffic in the harbor." or "I ate a lot of krill today and I haven't swam competitively in a few years." Nope, they just bounce to leave the winner to his chicken dinner.

The winning male takes off now about 10 miles away. The whole time the female is floating there like "hey where you going? You just got here and already you're out?" 10 miles away the male turns around and starts his journey back to the female. Why 10 miles away you ask? Simple the male Blue Whale erection is approximately 12 feet long. Allow me to quantify this for you. I mean I have seen some weird Internet porn where the dude is sporting 9+ inches where it looks like a baby's arm clutching a plum but 12 FEET long picture Shaq with Kobe standing on his shoulders. Even better who's job do you think it was to measure this. I just know it was some poor hopeful oceanographer on his 3rd day out on some boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean thinking they have achieved their dream of being out on the open ocean and seeing the dolphins jumping by the side of the boat as the mist sprayed their face and the cool breeze splashed their skin. All of a sudden they see off the starboard bow this giant whale jump out of the water and the biggest smile comes across their face. As the rest of the crew stands behind this person getting ready to drop the news on this poor SOB that his first real job after moping the deck is to go get into the water and measure the mighty whale penis.

So by this point I am seriously starting to question my own sexuality because all I really want to see out of morbid curiosity is a 12 foot whale dick. The rest of the night after the Whale show I kept flipping back and forth to the Playboy Channel just to be certain I was still turned on by the female anatomy. (I was!) 

Now here is the weird part. I have already missed well over half the game I was watching and fully locked on to the piece of nature programming. No homo... but I was completely fascinated. So there I was on the edge of my seat watching as the whale now turn around after swimming away 10 miles and start on his journey back to the female who is now floating on top of the water waiting for his Blue butt to get home and take care of business. This is the parallel I thought was so close to the human world.

 Sound familiar ladies? Your fella heads out with some friends for what is suppose to be just a couple beers and doesn't get back till 2:30 in the morning. You have since slipped into a little lacy number possibly with stockings and special shoes while keeping one eye on your cell phone and the other on the door waiting for one of them to bring his trifling ass home. Around 1am your tired of waiting and you slip out of sexy mode into the pissed off period panties, flannel pants and shirt that just smells a mixture of drool and sleep no matter how many times you wash it.

Note to all ladies: No matter how "cute you think "Hello Kitty" is, we don't think it is cute at all. Signed: All real men. SERIOUSLY!

Then he comes barreling in a couple hours later all fat and happy talking about "Baby I'm home!" Like nothing ever happened just rock hard and ready. Now he climbs into bed and starts poking you in the back all wrapped in excuses and covered in stripper glitter. At this point it's an internal struggle of weather you stay aggravated and point him to the Internet or just take dick so you can finally get to sleep.

So just like Ron Jeremy before a big scene, this whale has to work up the blood flow in the right place. It takes more than a few minutes to get 12 foot of erection inflated I can only imagine. So here he comes at full speed ahead by the time he reaches the 5 mile mark he is a little over half way to fully erect. At 7 miles he has traveled a long way through the water with wood. I walk through the house late at night I knock stuff over and I am nowhere near 12 foot long.playa!" Flash to the female who gets her first look at the 12 foot love monster headed in her direction and the look on her face of shear terror. "Help this dude is going to stab me!!!"
This penis has fishing nets, 6 pack holders, fishing wire and hooks all in it, seaweed and whatever else along the way. So at 8 miles he dives down to the depths of the ocean floor. shaking off all the collected sea gunk and getting the last few inches set to do work. At this point I swear the whale looked at the camera a winked. As if to say "Yup I got this

It was at this point I had to leave the National Geographic channel. I just couldn't watch anymore. However I can tell you I just didn't sleep that night. Feel free to check out the video below to watch how the rest of the process shakes out.

I hope you learned something new! 



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