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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Brain Droppings

I commonly am asked to describe this blog. The question of what is your blog about, used to be an easy question to answer however over time the blog has taken many twists and turns. I remember a time where I would only write about different occasions and times of the year and the perfect cocktail to accompany said holiday, special occasion or season. Then I would end everyone of them with a half naked woman... OK that really hasn't changed. Nor will it.

Although as time has gone on this is really a place for what I call my own little "brain droppings." A series of rants, questions, diatribes and just plain silliness my Pops always calls it "general hoochey fatchey" (pronounced Who-chee Fatch-ee.) I have no idea where that term came from however if I had to guess probably my Grandmother who was well known to cheat at Scrabble and make up her own words or use "Romanian words."

So the past few months have been busy times and since I haven't had much time to write lately I had taken to just jotting notes of these brain droppings to be used another day. Well today is that day. without further ado here is a quick peek inside my twisted little brain. I apologize in advance for any lowering of your IQ, night terrors or desire to pierce your skull with a knitting needle as an after effect of reading further.

+ Do they bury people with their braces on?

+ Is it acceptable to contradict someone at a funeral when they say "he is going to a better place" with "Nope! He was an asshole." and dismiss it with "bless his heart" or "just saying is all."

+ If there is alien life and they are so much more advanced why do they always go in through peoples butts? This use to be one of the burning questions in my head till my room mate Jay asked me "why do you? Ah-ha moment! Thanks Jay.

+ Why do we as men always try for the butt? I mean it's like you are at this great club with the finest furniture and soft music and all perfectly tailored to your needs. Everything is warm, soft and comfortable. And for some God unknown reason you think hey this is nice but there is a club around back in the alley with a horribly paved parking lot and two huge bouncers and an intermittently awful smell called club dumpster. You just have to check it out!

+ Why do they call him the Lone Ranger if he always has his Indian buddy Tonto with him?

+ Everyone has their own karaoke song. Mine is Margaritaville, by Jimmy Buffet No real high notes or low notes and a catchy little tune. Actually anything by Jimmy is fine the guy really can't sing but he sure does have a lot of neat little diddy's especially good for drunk people.

+ Not much feels as empty as getting just past the midway point in an argument and realizing you are completely wrong, but you have to keep it up and win just to save face. Sort of like trying to bluff your way out of a crappy poker hand. If someone calls you to the carpet your fucked!

+ I hate going to the movies with anyone else that likes to use the arm rest.

+ When an Atheist goes to court and swears on a Bible, how do you know he telling the truth? And can they be held in contempt the very moment they raise their right hand? Why the right hand? And what if you only have a left hand? Will the right foot do in a pinch? I really want to be a fly on the wall for that trial!

+ Every time I see a commercial with Samuel L. Jackson in it, no matter how many times I have seen the spot. I am always waiting for him to end the commercial with "mother fucker!" Example: Capital One commercial "Whats in your wallet... Mother fucker?!"

+ "Fun size" candy bars are not fun. They should be called pissed off because you have to eat 12 of them in order to be even remotely satisfied then feel shame because you have wrappers all around you."

+ I have never met Sadie Hawkins but I can just imagine she must have been one bold bitch.

+ Does anyone else remember back to the time many years ago when the US was going to use the metric system? Then President Reagan stepped in and reminded us that the convergence to the metric system is hard and the French are assholes. One of those points has nothing to do with the other. I just figured it needed to be said.

+ No one is ashamed of singing anything by Donna Summer in the shower. No one!

+ I use to tell my kids not to take candy from strangers. Then Halloween came and Daddy has a sweet tooth and I turned them into my little candy mules.

+ Where did Noah keep the woodpeckers on the Ark? And what a pain in the ass it must have been to gather and check all those insects.

+ If a librarian points you to the self-help section is that defeating the purpose or is she labeled an enabler?

+ After many marathon evenings of Wii Mario Cart I now swerve at the last moment if I see a banana peel in the street, shake my steering wheel when I hit a large bump and sometimes try to stick my head out of the sun roof while driving.

+ Taking a shower together in theory is romantic and sexy. In reality it is jockeying for hot water with goose bumps and figuring out that is only sexy when you only use soft soap. Lose one bar soap in the wrong place and that special little someone is NOT going to leave your house happy nor feeling clean when she is farting bubbles.

+ Stay married. The dating life is terrifying! Seriously! If your significant other tells you tomorrow he/ she is going to run away with a carny folk just chalk it up to them needing a little space. Don't believe me? Check out a dating website and think about using condoms again. There are far more choices that there was in both categories and then good luck sleeping after that.

+ The other day my 8 year old son asked me "what if we ran over Spider-man?" How the hell am I suppose to answer that? Go ahead and show me the parenting handbook that covers that gem.

+ I know women say "I can't have that it will go right to my hips" However I think those same women should consult a map, because I swear there is truck stop around their ass.

+ Definition of "Ambidextrous": A righty being able to work the mouse with their left hand.

+ Ask me to find my car keys, my wallet, the g-spot on a woman or even pin the tail on the donkey and it will usually take me a few tries to get it. My snooze alarm however... eyes closed, dark room, mid-sleep and one handed. First time, every time!

+ I once heard that if you say "God save me" when you see the darkness coming that you will be saved. If this is true I think I figured out my next tattoo because I imagine at a time like that it would be easy to forget things.

+ If ever asked "What the hell were you thinking?" Don't answer it's a trap! And in the case the person you are asking is the opposite sex. Trust me it is NEVER what you are thinking and they are NEVER going to get it right. EVER!

+ There is no right way to fold a fitted sheet with the exception of having someone else do it.

+ We should all have an emergency contact. Part of that duty is completely deleting our browser history, burning our porn collection and getting rid of anything else that could be constituted as weird. The last thing I want my Mom to find while she is cleaning out my house after I die is... well let's just hope Jay or Shawn get there before anyone else.

+ I hate that I can remember almost every word from every  top 40 song from the past 20+ years but ask me to recall 10 mathematical formulas, how to convert Fahrenheit into Celsius or what percentage of my bill is the right amount to tip and I am immediately looking to find an app on my smart phone for it.

+ Yes, we know, real women have curves, so do men and I like beer.

+ Funiest things I heard this month:
- "It's time to hunker down and embrace the suck."
- "Listen here! I'm the one fucking this cat. All you have to do is hold its tail!"
That's all I have for now till the next dumping of brain matter.


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