Many of you already know I am a father to 3 great kids. No, I'm not going to be one of those Dads that completely over-sell it and say "my kids are amazing" as though everything they do is a miracle. Your baby has gas that is not them laughing and understanding grown up humor at the ripe age of 3 months! However I love my kids equally with all my heart. I never realized how full life could be till I had them. I love every moment of being around them. But let's face it sometimes kids do stupid shit and as a parent I think it is our duty to point it out instead of kissing the boo-boo you have to first point and laugh a bit. It keeps them humble.
I commonly tell the story about my 9 year old son Kalvyn and his extremely high test scores. That when I first saw his test scores I thought right away how all the other Dads out there can "suck it" because my kid will be getting a full ride to Yale or Harvard some day with scores like those and seeing as he is very big for his age! I figured any day now the Ivy league schools will be knocking on my door to have my kid join their football or basketball team! I mean my ex-wife's family is littered with Doctors and other college degrees from reputable schools as far as the eye can see. That's my boy! Only to watch that same boy only moments later dancing around the kitchen to Taylor Swift, farting so hard he lost consciousness for a moment then walk into the wall stubbing his baby toe and then tripping over the dog. Never mind it looks like I will be getting student loans for community college after-all. Why did he have to get any of my genes?!
Back to what I was originally saying. I have great kids. I feel that they have great manors, they know right from wrong and I genuinely trust them to make solid choices. They are honest, compassionate, funny in their own ways and extremely kind. I am VERY proud to be the father to Zolyia (15), Madelyne (14) and Kalvyn (9). I aspired to be the type of father to my kids as my father was to me. I make no bones about the fact that I am fortunate to have one outstanding role model when it comes to fathers. I feel to this point so far I have done a fine job raising my kids. As a father that is all you can really ask for as they grow up.
So a couple of months ago my oldest daughter asked me to take her to a comedy show. The comedian was Bo Burnham. Madelyne asked if she could come along too. My thought is that it would be a lot of fun to spend some time just me and the ladies. So I bought tickets for the 3 of us. Kal is a bit to young to understand that comedy and I didn't think it would be appropriate and he even agreed. For those of you that are unfamiliar with his work I will add a clip of his work here. He is a very articulate comedian and satirical singer/ song writer. I knew he used a bad word now and again but both of my daughters are now in high school and so I am pretty certain they where going to be OK and could handle it just fine.
The night started off with a quick dinner and then off to Portland for the show. We were all pretty excited when we drove past Bo's tour bus and saw him walking into the theater. My daughters where excited to see this comedian they not only enjoyed for his body of work but also thought was very cute. I was happy to be able to give them this night out they so deserved and have this time with them and treat them like the young ladies they are now. Besides I'm not one of those uptight fathers in a turtle-neck sweater. I'm a cool Dad. I'm wearing up to date jeans and nothing with an elastic waist band and a baggy Michael Jordan t-shirt, I am "Dad cool." I want to be the kind of Dad my kids are proud to brag about and tell their friends how cool their father is. So if that means my girls want to go to a Bo Burnham show then by-golly we are going to that show!
I should have done a little more homework and maybe watched a YouTube video or two of Bo. I have heard him a couple of times on XM Radio but never paid too much attention. I just thought he was funny. I should have known something was up when Madelyne asked me the night before at the dinner table if I really listened to his act. When I said "no" she started to giggle and just said "ok!" I should have seen the red flag when we got into the venue and the first thing I saw was a guy selling little bottles of Jagermeister shots and Red Bull to make Jagger-Bombs in the lobby. Using hindsight I should have thought twice when I looked around inside and the crowd was 90% college students double fisting Bud Lights. And I really should have rethought my decision when I sat between my proper and innocent young ladies and they said "Remember Dad we are in high school and we have been through health class..." The look in Madelyne's eyes alone told me that what was to come was at times going to be equally in comfort as a colonoscopy without anesthesia. But really what's few curse words going to hurt? Like I said they are in high school and I know they have heard them all already. It's show time and the lights turn down. The warm up act is up first. This is when Madelyne turns to me and says with a smile, "remember Dad, health class."
Now I have been there with these two little cherubs since conception. I remember bringing both of them home from the hospital and driving 3 miles per hour in a 40mph zone and thinking how everyone was driving WAY too fast and being far to reckless around my newborn daughter. I remember many weekend days napping with Zolyia sleeping soundly on my chest after finishing a full bottle. I remember Maddy's first tooth. Every Easter I hid eggs all over the yard, brought them door to door every Halloween and carried them most of the way home when their little legs got tired or their feet hurt. I taught them both how to ride a bike, throw a ball and was the coach on their basketball team. I have been to countless school concerts all the way from pre-school up to the current time and haven't missed a one, just to get choked up as I sat their thinking how quickly they where growing up. I marvel at how unique all of my kids are and how special in their own way they are as well. I am not just a guy that has kids and sees them once a month only to take pictures with them so I can post them on Facebook and all my friends can comment on how great a father I am. No, I am involved in their lives. The highs and the lows. I have been there every step of the way. I am proud to say I am a real Father to my children and I have watched these two girls grow into the young ladies I have today. However as a Dad it's only natural to always see your girls as the innocent small girls that I could carry effortlessly in one arm up 3 flights of stairs while carrying all the groceries in the other. It has been my job as the man of the house to protect that innocence for the past 15 years and somehow thwart any attempt take that away from them. They looked to Mom to be the loving caring nurturer and to me to be the pillar of security.
Now keep in mind none of this is the fault of the comedians that took the stage. I am not one of those parents looking for someone else to blame. This falls squarely on my shoulders. There have been times when I have even joked about being "parent of the year" when I have allowed my kids to stay up too late on a school night or given them candy before bed or even dropped the F-bomb by accident in front of my kids. That all paled in comparison to what was afoot. The comedian started his 20 minute set by talking about a B movie on Netflix about a werewolf that transforms and they show this in great detail and many angles as his transformation starts from his male genitalia. He moved into a bit about when he wears new sweatpants without underwear he gets fuzzies in his pee-hole. Then when he asked a female friend about it how she said that when she wears some clothes she has to "scoop fuzzies out of her "stink-ditch" (vagina.)" He used the term "stink ditch" for something I taught the girls to call a "Hoo-Ha" for as long as they realized they had one! Finally closing his time on stage with how if someone is choking we should no longer do the Heimlich maneuver but instead stick fingers up their ass because that is a lot more jarring and incentive to dislodge whatever it is in their throat in order to get the fingers out of their asshole faster! My daughters not only laughed at all the jokes but they understood it all too!!!
Now it was time for the headliner of the evening Bo Burnham. The debauchery persisted and even got worse. At one point he sang about how if you are single you should lower your standards and get oral sex on a regular basis or something like that. My Zoey, my little "Zo-Zo Bug" who use to sit in her car seat singing "Bah Bah Black Sheep" and how the "Wheels on the bus go round and round" was now singing right along with Bo! I felt like I should have home schooled my kids and as soon as we wake up tomorrow I am going to start looking into organized religion and a good Bible study camp to send them to during the summer. She knew every word! I watched my 15 year old daughter sing the word "cock!" She has a chorus concert coming up and I'm hoping she doesn't get confused!
The show ends and I now must crawl out from under my balcony chair. What sort of irreparable damage have I done to these children's delicate innocence. How will I explain this all to them in the car on the ride home? Are they going to just lose all the manors we worked so hard to instill in them as parents and exclaim "could someone pass the fucking potatoes?" at Thanksgiving dinner in front of family and friends?! I am a horrible father! Bad Dad! Bad! Bad! Bad!
We got home and I kissed them both goodnight as I tucked them into bed. Father of the year! Not so much, but I am still a pretty good Dad. I have a mug to prove it!