Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, November 9, 2015

Thoughts from the Road

For the past few weeks I have been on a special assignment in Houlton, Maine. Before you ask I will tell you a bit about the "county seat" of Aroostook County. Houlton as of 2010 had a population of slightly over 6,000. The town sits a mile from the New Brunswick, Canadian border and being the county seat it's nickname is thus "Shire Town." The Houlton High School mascot is "The Shiretowners"... Yup, you can't make this kind of shit up.  But wait there's more! How about some history? Also keep in mind that most of the pictures here are actual pictures I took during my time in this quaint little town.

Some time after the American Revolution pioneer Joseph Houlton had moved to Maine from far heavier populated part of Massachusetts and formed a village of his own around 1807. In 1820 Maine separated from Massachusetts to become an independent state. In 1828 a military post named Hancock Barracks was established. When the Aroostook War otherwise known as the "Pork and Beans War" flared between the US and British over the placement of the New Brunswick, Canadian border, the Hancock Barracks was a focal point. Other notable facts about beloved Houlton:
- The home to first transatlantic radio intelligence station placed in town by the Army during World War 1.
- AT&T initiated the first transatlantic commercial telephone service linking New York to London. The Transoceanic Receiver Station and massive antenna so large it straddled what is now Interstate 95 where both just outside of the center of town. 
- 1941 the Army established the Houlton Army Air Base that sits immediately adjacent to the Canadian border. Not so much in case those crazy Canucks got any funny ideas eh... However They could not fly the planes directly into Canada, a member of the United Kingdom because that would violate the official United States position of neutrality. Local farmers used their tractors to tow the planes into Canada, where the Canadians closed the Woodstock highway so that aircraft could use it as a runway. 

This was going on outside the gym on Main St.
Ok enough with the history lessons already! Houlton as the rest of Aroostook County otherwise referred to as "The county" by natives is best known as the last truck stop before Canada and home to thousands of miles of potato fields. All this means is there ain't shit to do in Houlton, Maine. And just in case you are ready to say something silly like "the people must be lovely in such a small town." The answer is no. 

Now before I get too far off topic. The trip from Sanford, Maine to Houlton is a non-stop 5 hour drive once past Portland about 30 minutes in then it is filled with nothing more than trees. Miles and miles of trees. So a guy like me has lots of time to ponder life and let my brain run wild and free. So here we go with another brain dump! This is where I dump out all the silly thoughts that have entered my mind. There is no rhyme or reason to them, nor order. Enjoy!

No clue what this guy is doing.

+ I never had a family crest that I know of. However if I did I would imagine it would be something like 4 lions watching TV with a banner across the top that says in Latin "Hey, while your up can you get me a drink?"

+ If you are the type of person to sign the cross and pray before breakfast lunch and dinner then I think you should do it for snacks too. Why ask God to bless meat and potatoes and not cheese and crackers? If you are going to be religious be 100%. No half stepping when it comes to the lord I say.

Still no clue.
+ Ladies if you are going to wear a crucifix around your neck don't let it nestle right between your boobs. That's just like asking me to make a quick choice between good and evil and I can tell you right now that the Devil wins that game of chicken every time. I may say "Thank you Jesus!" for a great set of tits but that really is as far as that goes.

+ Fathers day here in Houlton is a very confusing day. Of this I am certain. The type of place you see bumper stickers that read "I'm the proud father of a nephew."

+ Having a vagina seems a lot like owning an old jalopy. Lots of maintenance and then once a month your going to have to shove an oil pan under it.

I think this should be on the side of a van.
+ Every time a man finishes on a woman instead of in her it is his way of saying "Those babies are not for you, they are for some one else. Now go get a towel." 

+  In relationships especially early on you tend to say all those sweet things to your significant other. Just the other day I told her "you're like a drug to me." (deep right?) She responded by asking "why is it because you're addicted to me?" I realize now I just should have said "Yup!" instead I said "No, because you're expensive and you make my balls shrink." I now realize that was the wrong answer.

This was selling for $500

+ Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

+ A fun social experiment to figure out who your real friends of the opposite sex are is to go on social media and change your relationship status to "in a relationship."

+ If you are a woman with a great figure but a face like a horse in the derby you are NOT nor will you ever be a model. If a guy asks you to model for him rest assure the focus will be taken away from your face and you will at some point be completely naked. Here's some advice however, grab a Twinkie and get real good at math because life is about to get hard. Being an ugly woman I think is a lot like being a dude. You're going to have to work for it.

+ Fun little thing to do in a bar and you see a group of women... Approach them as though you are a judge in a dog show. Point at them and say "you're 3rd, you're 2nd and you're 1st!" If you see a real hot one grab her by the crotch and the throat while calling out "Best in Show!" They love that. Women are so competitive.

Dude, I'm driving!
+ I remember a few years back I played in a Christian softball league. We basically played and got drunk. Although some of us drank before the game too. I remember playing shortstop and yelling at the base runners, "Hey! Thou shall not steal!" After the first time they didn't think it was funny at all.

+ Those crazy Catholics say that using contraception is a sin. I have cousins and other relatives that shoot babies out of their cooter like a t-shirt cannon now. Whenever they tell people how many kids they have they usually follow it up by saying "yeah, we are Catholic." Someone should really teach them how to masturbate. My towel has never gotten pregnant.

+ Speaking of masturbation. The Catholic church also says that is a sin as well. Needless to say I am no longer associated with the Catholic church. If you are a Catholic and you have been doing the 5 knuckle shuffle, they say you must repent at once! Don't get me wrong I will apologize all damn day, but I am pretty sure I going to do it again. If the church would have maybe broken me off a frequent sinners card, like after the 7th repentance the 8th one is free I might still be part of that cult.


No comments:

Post a Comment