Shots from the Bartender: November 2013

Bless this Blog.

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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, November 4, 2013

This will be 40!

This weekend I turn 40! Yup the big 4-0 and there has been a great deal of consternation especially coming into the big day. 39 I equate to the button on a fat mans pants. As 30 pulls me in one direction barely hanging on 40 is ripping me the opposite way with no remorse for the material that is my life. Bottom line here is that this is happening. Come hell or high water as my Pop always says. this day is coming and it wants blood!

Now there are all sorts of people that will tell you that 40 is the new 20 or that you don't look your age and we call those people full of shit. Of course I look like 40. Hell I WANT to look 55. When I die I want to come screeching in on 2 tires and a cloud of smoke. I want people to wish my funeral was a closed casket and I want to be laying there with my eyes wide open and morning wood as if to say "Bring on my next adventure. This shell of a body is all used up and I need a new one!" Not to stray too far to the extremely morbid but I have seen old age and some people go gracefully and others linger in nothingness just waiting to die. This will never be me or at least so I hope. At the same time I don't want to go Elvis style either. Weighing 300lbs and sitting on the toilet with a gold jumpsuit around my ankles is just not a good look for anyone.

Although I am ever so slowly approaching the great dirt nap, kicking the bucket, chillin with Jesus or playing the quiet game forever more I feel great. The AMA (American Medical Association not the American Music Awards) Says that if I play the averages I have about 67 more good years left in me. Of course I will make more noise when getting up or down from any seated position and getting up from kneeling will be damn near impossible. I will have to use my nose trimmer weekly or else whenever I sneeze I will look like a party favor and I won't be able to hear worth a damn. However on the up-shot if my genes keep their family word I will have a full head of hair ready whenever I want it that would make the best of Hollywood's leading men jealous. I will have close to 20/20 vision and I won't have to take a little blue pill to spark Mr. Happy into making a tent in my pants till the day I die.

Then to quote Bill Murray as Carl Spakler in movie Caddyshack (which got completely hosed for the greatest movie ever awards.) "The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

Besides birthdays mean birthday cake! I'm a fat kid and we fat kids LOVE cake. Cake brings people together and has the power to help us all connect. Ever have a marble cake? Chocolate and vanilla cake all in one. Like Martin Luther King and President Kennedy got together in a sweet harmonic bakery and made a love child! Cake even has healing powers. Picture the last time you where at work when they where having a birthday party in the conference room. Some one comes to round everyone up to sing happy

birthday to Phil in accounting. "Fuck him! I don't even like that guy!" Then you are told there is going to be cake. "Well maybe I should let by-gones be by-gones." However be the first guy in line and have to pass each piece as it's cut down the line to the last guy you will feel the rage mounting again as each piece gets smaller. You start to eye up the people around you who really don't need it. And we all make the same comments to justify the impending caloric intake."Well I guess it's OK to cheat a little." "just a small piece, I'm on a diet." No you're not! Or the ever popular "I guess it's another 20 minutes on the treadmill for me this week." Uhhh only if you take all the clothes off it that have been their since 3 weeks after you bought it first. Cake should never be eaten alone, it's just sad. Be that guy who comes in an hour after the party and is seen eating the dried up cake. Guaranteed the rumors will fly that you are homeless.

So getting back to how I use to do things when I started this whole big monstrosity of a blog I will end with always a fun shot to cure any birthday blues.