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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Friday, May 2, 2014

Stupid Bar Tricks

The other night I was watching an episode of The Amy Schumer Show on Comedy Central. The skit was one about a street magician in a bar. The magician goes up to Amy and proceeds to do a few slight of hand tricks. Fast forward to Amy in bed with the magic man and he can't stop doing magic and get to the real business which is a naked Amy. This made me think of the opening scene in the movie Now You See Me. Where a street magician once again does a few tricks and gets the girl to follow him home and do the disappearing/ reappearing penis trick. All of this got me thinking about some of the silly bar tricks I have learned over the years. What does a bar trick and how much a polar bear weighs have in common? They both have just enough to break the ice.

I think we can all agree that there are some sure fire winning no-fail lines out there... "Are you a Drill Sergeant? Because you have my Privates standing at attention!" "Do you work at Subway? Because I swear you just gave me a foot long!" "Your legs are like an Oreo cookie. I just want to split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle!" Or the ever popular "You can call me cake, cause I'll go right to your ass!" However if these doozies are seeming to crack the surface here are some silly tricks you can try to pass the time till she finally falls for one of your many other words of great sentiment and appreciation for that special lady. Even better help you score a free drink or two.

The "Announcers Test." A long time ago my Pop taught me this one. Bet your subject that they can not remember 10 simple things one at a time and recite them back to you in order. In other words you say "1 hen." they say "1 hen" back you say "2 ducks." They must say "1 hen, 2 ducks." You say "3 squawking geese." They say "1 hen, 2 ducks, 3 squawking geese" and so on till you get to 10 items and they must say all 10 items correctly. Even the most sober of suckers is going to have trouble with this one. Add a few drinks and some giggles, the odds are going to be in your favor to win this bet. Here is the "Announcers Test" list of 10 items:
* One hen
* Two ducks
* Three squawking geese
* Four limerick oysters
* Five corpulent porpoises
* Six pair of Don Alverzo's tweezers
* Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array
* Eight brass monkeys from the ancient sacred crypts of Egypt
* Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic, old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth
* Ten lyrical, spherical diabolical denizens of the deep who hall stall around the corner of the quo of the quay of the quivery, all at the same time.

The "Simple Knot" trick. Bet your subject that you can hold a napkin at 2 ends and without letting go tie the napkin into a knot. The trick here is pretty simple actually. Just fold your arms prior to grabbing hold of the napkin. When you uncross your arms you should have a neat little knot in the center of the napkin.

If those 2 tricks don't gain you some interest here are a few more sweet lines sure to catch the attention of the opposite sex. "Just remember: To you I'm a virgin." "I'm afraid of the dark. Will you sleep with me tonight?" "Do you wash your panties with Windex? Cause I can see myself in them!" and "You smell like trash! Can I take you out?" Alright if those don't get the digits then here are a few more tricks to add to your bag...

"Smoking Fingers." This trick requires some set up. You will need a book of matches and prior to doing this trick rip out the match striking strip. Fold the strip length wise into itself. Place the folded strip face down on a plate and burn the paper side until it is well charred. This should leave the strips residue on the plate. From here simply coat the tip of your index finger with the residue and when the time comes bet your subject that you can make smoke by rubbing your fingers together. When the wager is in place start to rub your index finger and thumb together. The friction will produce smoke.

A few more? "I think I could fall madly in bed with you." "Want to know what winks and screws like a tiger? (Wink.) "Do you like bacon? Wanna strip?" or "I may not be Asian, but I'll still eat your cat!"

The "Dime Drop." This one is a much easier set up. You will need a quarter, dime and a shot glass with a curved bottom. Place the dime under the quarter in the shot glass. The bet here is that your subject can not remove the dime without using their fingers from the shot glass without touching the glass, adding any fluid or upsetting the glass in anyway. The solution is place your lips close to the glass and blow real hard on one side of the quarter. Acting as a lever the quarter will flip the dime right out of the glass.

Last one for now... "Water into Whiskey." Jesus may have been able to turn water into wine but water into whiskey, would have made him a far better party guest. The bet here is that you can make the water and whiskey exchange glasses without utilizing a 3rd container. You need 2 shot glasses for this trick. Fill one with whiskey or whatever your spirit of choice may be. The other with water. Place a flat, water resistant card (playing card, ID, Debit card) over the water and flip over upside down onto the whiskey. Now make a small crack between the two glasses and the card. The water being heavier than the whiskey will over time (about 2 minutes) trade places with the whiskey.

Here are a few more lines to try. If you get slapped more than twice you know she is near breaking. So keep up the good work soldier! "The only reason I would kick you out of my bed is so we could do it on the floor!" "You are the reason God invented boners!" "Let's play Titanic." When I yell "Iceburg!" You go down." Finally "Roses are red, violets are blue. I suck at pick up lines... Nice tits!"

If all else fails go ahead and resort to just being yourself. Who knows maybe that will work.


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