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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Candybars and Fat Kids

I make no bones about the fact that I use to be all of 150lbs dripping wet holding a brick at 5 foot 9 inches and now here I am at 6'3" and 230lbs. I have gone from being the stature of a Pez dispenser, just a head a neck and feet to being the fat kid I am today. This is mostly in part to my college years I went to a military college. There was a corner store that sold pints of ice cream for .75 cents. Thank goodness for morning running and physical training because otherwise I would have been a whole lot bigger a whole lot sooner. This is what started my torrid affair with both Ben and Jerry and their delicious ice cream concoctions. Once I got the sweet tooth well there was just no stopping there. Look at this picture from a military ball in college. My date has broader shoulders than me!

Now I am a full blown "Chocoholic." I feel as though I should be going to meetings. Hi my name is Charles and I am a "Chocoholic... "Hi Charles" the rest of the pathetic souls in the group say in return to me in acceptance. "It has been 2 days since my last Milky Way Bar." The crackhead and coke addicts even look at me in disapproval. I mean at least their habit doesn't make them walk with a waddle...
Which brings me to a separate point. Whoever came up with the idea for "fun size" candy bars should be shot. Those are not fun at all. Especially when you have eaten 12 of them just to make a regular size candy bar and now all you're left with is tons of empty wrappers and shame. Creator of the "king size" however is a complete evil genius and whoever created the deep fried Milky Way bar should be elected president for life.

I digress, good thing I have guy friends as women will always say "you look fine." Leave it to your guy friends to look at you and say "Dude, you're a fatty" or address you with the loving nickname of "Skinny." Let's face it I only workout now just so I can splurge. If it weren't for the serious side affects and I don't want to break my vomit free since 2003 streak I have going I would give serious thought to bulimia. This is all only made more difficult by having a family full of long distance runners whose body types are nothing more than legs and lungs and my own dear sweet mothers nickname for me "Fat-ass."

Alas I have come to grips with my larger belts, elastic waist bands and XXL shirts. As Homer Simpson once said "it's not a dress, it's a moo-moo!" Now all of this has been an elaborate introduction for this weeks drink The Candy Bar Martini. So eat, drink and be merry!

Milky Way Martini
2 oz. - Vanilla Vodka
1 oz. - Bailey's Caramel
1 oz. - Butterscotch Schnapps
1/2 oz. - Godiva Dark Chocolate
Drizzle the glass with caramel
Shake over ice and strain
Garnish with chocolate flakes


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