Life and Death

There is not too much I consider to be life and death. I never have been too detail oriented and that has probably made me a bit more happy- go- lucky than most of the poor schlubbs out there who constantly sweat the small stuff in life. My feelings are pretty simple here why worry so much now? There is plenty to worry about in the final days or last breaths I take.

From what I hear from those who have seen the other side all you have to do is say "Lord save me." as you take your last earthly breath and poof the darkness will turn to a bright peaceful light. Sounds simple enough but just in case I should probably have it tattooed somewhere on me sort of like a sticky note upon my delivery where ever I may be headed. In which case I should probably have more that just that instruction on me. I mean a good "handle with care" would be nice too. Speaking of which why is it the people who have crosses and all sorts of religious symbols on them are the ones you are certain are going to hell? Next time you see someone with a huge cross on their chest be sure he is the least peaceful of the bunch. Or I could always be like Angelina Jolie and get all sorts of religious symbols so that way I have all my bases covered. Seems to me if I want to find God all I have to do is commit a felony as it seems everyone in prison finds Jesus eventually.


Every religion seems to think they know the way to heaven. I think if I ever go looking for God I'm definitely not going to be following a Jehovah's Witness as they only seem to be wandering from house to house. Let's face it, they must be giving some people the wrong directions. They believe only 14,400  will be allowed in heaven. I'm sorry but when I go to the Olive Garden I tell people coming up to the door there is at least a 4 hour wait for a table and the people in front of me that I'm from the health department and I am about to shut the place down just so I can be sure I get my endless pasta and bread sticks. Go down the road to T.G.I. Friday's never mind Heaven! You can bet your ass I will be telling people then a whole new set of instructions.


Muslims are under the impression that if you die a martyr you will go to heaven and receive 72 virgins. Now am not sure why 72 is the number but have you ever seen 72 virgins? If no one wanted to touch these ladies in life what makes you think they look any better in death. All I can picture is Hajji blowing himself to smithereens thinking of the great prize on the other side in paradise and coming face to face with what I can only imagine look like my late Aunt Hellen and her hairy lip that would make even Tom Selleck jealous.

What does this all have to do with me you might be asking or maybe where might he be going here? This has me thinking of my own death. Not so much the legacy I will leave but more like what do I want in those days leading up to the great dirt nap. Especially if I am on some sort of extended life support. If I'm no longer able to do anything for myself ie: speak in coherent sentences, wipe my own ass or get a hard-on with the help of little blue pills. Then feel free to pull the plug! But don't just pull it and walk away sad that wouldn't be any fun at all. Here is what I came up with...


Prop me up "Weekend at Bernie's" style in the front of a wood panel station wagon. Give me one of those big cigars and duct tape me to the steering wheel. Bring me out to the grand canyon and set up a ramp. Now it is very important that we video tape all this. We will call the video "Death by Charles!" I want David Copperfield or David Blaine or hell just get some random guy who does magic at kids birthday parties to come and make a name for himself.


Here is where it get's technical so pay attention. We tell everyone I am going to be magically sent as a messenger to the future. Get that woody wagon up to 88 miles an hour and once I hit that ramp I want to be so loaded with explosives I can not be found except for smoke.


All proceeds from the video can go to whatever family I still have and everyone gets a good chuckle out of the day. Everyone go out for a drink, give a dirty toast and tip your bartender well in my name. No tears. Lord save me.

The End!

Cheers!