Every religion seems to think they know the way to heaven. I think if I ever go looking for God I'm definitely not going to be following a Jehovah's Witness as they only seem to be wandering from house to house. Let's face it, they must be giving some people the wrong directions. They believe only 14,400 will be allowed in heaven. I'm sorry but when I go to the Olive Garden I tell people coming up to the door there is at least a 4 hour wait for a table and the people in front of me that I'm from the health department and I am about to shut the place down just so I can be sure I get my endless pasta and bread sticks. Go down the road to T.G.I. Friday's never mind Heaven! You can bet your ass I will be telling people then a whole new set of instructions.
Muslims are under the impression that if you die a martyr you will go to heaven and receive 72 virgins. Now am not sure why 72 is the number but have you ever seen 72 virgins? If no one wanted to touch these ladies in life what makes you think they look any better in death. All I can picture is Hajji blowing himself to smithereens thinking of the great prize on the other side in paradise and coming face to face with what I can only imagine look like my late Aunt Hellen and her hairy lip that would make even Tom Selleck jealous.
Prop me up "Weekend at Bernie's" style in the front of a wood panel station wagon. Give me one of those big cigars and duct tape me to the steering wheel. Bring me out to the grand canyon and set up a ramp. Now it is very important that we video tape all this. We will call the video "Death by Charles!" I want David Copperfield or David Blaine or hell just get some random guy who does magic at kids birthday parties to come and make a name for himself.
Here is where it get's technical so pay attention. We tell everyone I am going to be magically sent as a messenger to the future. Get that woody wagon up to 88 miles an hour and once I hit that ramp I want to be so loaded with explosives I can not be found except for smoke.
All proceeds from the video can go to whatever family I still have and everyone gets a good chuckle out of the day. Everyone go out for a drink, give a dirty toast and tip your bartender well in my name. No tears. Lord save me.