Fan-Dom In All Its Glory

So this past week I have had the good fortune of scoring ticket's to 2 Boston Celtics games. For those of you who do not know the Celtic's are the National Basketball Association (NBA) Boston franchise. Now I am among the biggest basketball fans I know and I know a good number of Celtic and plain basketball fans in general.

Now each time I have gone to a game this week and every time in the past, there is a few cameras that roam the crowd while there is a break in the action. With the music playing and the camera on I can see where someone might get a little excited and wave to the camera. Maybe even a little "Hi Mom!" Also why is it always Mom that get's the love in these situations. I mean it is usually Dad that coaches the man as a child and teaches the fundamentals on how to throw and catch a ball. How to run the right way, proper stance and even rules to the game. Yet stick a camera in the grown athletes face and suddenly Dad is a thought of the past. I digress...


Music is up and the camera flashes to random faces in the stands and there is always unimaginable number of freaks. Yes I said freaks. If you get the fortune of acquiring a ticket to a major sporting event what the hell makes a grown individual feel the need to pain their face, shave numbers into their back hair, dress like a complete jackass or better yet behave like one? And this happens in every city where there is a major or minor league team for that manor. First of all if you are over the age of 30 and you show up to a sporting event with any of the above mentioned please get a mental check-up. Seriously someone missed a few hugs.


I can understand if you are in college and you are pledging a fraternity/ sorority or just want to be noticed for being the campus wild-man. Yeah I get that.  And yet I realize this is an exciting day for you as it isn't everyday that they let the monkeys out of the zoo but seriously try to contain yourself. If you ever find yourself leaving the house in a bright green body stocking and Rastafarian hat complete with wig just so you might snag a precious minute on the jumbo-tron it may be time to take up a hobby like crack - cocaine or I hear alcoholism is making a comeback.

Just think of all the friends you could make in the addiction support groups then. Not to mention the oncoming depression that would ensue and maybe that will keep you from leaving the house dressed as an Aztec warrior with tiny shorts on or giving yourself a nickname and bothering the other fans telling them to yell like the dumb ass you are. Even better by all means please think of who else's night you are completely buggering up. If you are standing in front of me with your giant letter D and a partial picket fence yelling "D - Fence!" as though your team is going to come to their senses and start spreading the word among themselves in sheer surprise "Hey guys maybe we should try what all the fans are yelling."


While I am on the subject of fans, where the hell did all the dance teams come from and who the heck are they inspiring to victory? Here is a great plan. Let's take 25 smoking hot women and dress them in practically nothing then send them out like gladiators to dance like strippers before the lions armed with nothing more than high-heeled thigh high boots. I understand my argument here probably will not be a popular one with some of the gentlemen. However no wonder your team can't hit a jump shot coming a time out. Bambi just finished showing off her fun factory doing high leg kicks with all her friends while your star player was suppose to be paying attention to what the coach is saying. Do you know how hard it is to play ball with an erection? Never mind knocking down the game winning shot. Who are these ladies inspiring?


One more thing. If you are overweight,  undersized or are not already on the roster for the evening why are you dressed like you are going to get asked to play? Even the Sacramento Kings have never pulled anyone out of the stands. I realize you have been waiting for your one shining moment to come along. For the coach to turn to the stands as the all star hobbles off the floor with an injury, points to you and says "Hey you, the fat guy in the jersey. You are already dressed to play and I bet you have a great shot why don't you get out here and take it home for us." It is NEVER going to happen! So please feel free to wear a t-shirt under that basketball jersey and some regular street shoes. By all means refrain from letting us know that you use to be "wicked good at defense in high school."


Ticket prices, parking and a hotdog anymore takes a cost of a small business loan for the common working stiff. So please take a lesson from the British tennis fans. Come to the game, sit down, shut up and cheer a little bit when someone does something note worthy. On the flip side if you find yourself a friend that doesn't mind a bit of violence and make a pact. Should you ever want to leave the house with your mullet painted bright green, feel the need to not wear a shirt and paint your body the team colors, or have ever even thought of dressing up like a freak of nature to go to the game, Instruct said friend to put a bullet in you and end it all quick and painless so the rest of us don't have to sit next to you in close quarters when the paint starts to run and the deodorant/ antiperspirant calls it quits.

Cheers! 

OK, Well being a Philly fan I am totally for this!