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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Alright I realize this post is just about as sophomoric as one guy can be, however I have been a bit deprived lately and I guess this is where my mind is at right now. I also realize in the vein of not taking myself too seriously I am about as mentally and morally as deep as a roadside puddle and sometimes that is just fine by me. Have you ever noticed how jolly the mentally incapacitated of this world truly are?

Here is something fun to try. Pick out the dumbest person you know. I mean just ignorant as the day is long. Then the next time you go to see them, bring them a lollipop, fudgicle, candy bar or some other tasty treat. Just for no reason. Then count the number of days till they stop calling you their best friend.

A few years ago I got new downstairs neighbors and they rubbed me the wrong way from the day I met them. One day they brought me Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I swear to you if that guy needed a kidney today I might step up for him.

Where was I going with all this... Oh yes I remember allow me to bring it back into focus, damn ADD, I have that in high definition I have ADHD. That joke sucks and you all deserve better. My apologies. 

Now then my post today is about euphemisms. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and when I asked him what he was doing later he said he was going home to "rub one out" and then take a nap. To which I replied wouldn't it be great if they sold pussy at the super market! Bartenders would never make another dollar. Just about every guy I know would have a weekend that looked like this: Sleep in till noon, go to the market and pick up a six-pack of pussy and a case of beer, use said products, nap, watch the game and repeat. Could you imagine the amount of shoplifting! Oh my goodness! Some guys just getting EBT cards to support their 2 pack of pussy a day habit. Oh sure it's fine for the ladies to have a drawer full of rubber dicks but try taking out a box of pussies in front of your girl next time she wants to have a little fun. I guarantee the response you get will not be what you hope for. Men would be back to ruling the world for real and not just puppets for the women behind them! I'm starting to get light headed just thinking of the implications. 

So this post is about euphemisms for masturbation among other things. Now don't get all wrinkle nosed and holier than thou on me. We all do it just some like to deny they do. Also keep in mind no matter the size of the tool we have all us guys when we are alone think we have a giant one eyed thunder stick in our pants. So none of these references will ever be about anything small or inadequate. Wondering if that is true? Just read one Penthouse Letter and see how the guys who write in describe their member. "That's when I took my purple headed love stick and dipped it into her honey pot of joy." Suddenly we become the pornographic Shakespeare as well. You really have to ask yourself who writes this kind of crap and how. I can only picture some poor schlub who just got a little something, something sitting in a dark corner with pen and pad in one hand and pecker in the other. Anywho...Here is the list I came up with. Enjoy! 

Spanking the monkey
The 5 knuckle shuffle
Poking little Jonny behind the ear
Flogging the dolphin
Rubbing one out. 
Taming the lizard
Knocking out the one eyed champ
Bopping the Bishop
Stroming the Thurmon
Playing the one hole finger flute.
Pleasing the tube steak
Waxing the carrot
Whacking off
Beating it.

Lubing the Stanley (because he is a power tool)
A date with Rosey Palmer and her 5 friends
Abusing the wicked stick
Adjusting the antenna
Aiding and abedding a known felon
Applying the hand break
Fighting with Hank and the twins
Arm wrestling with the mean muscle
Going to war with the one eyed, purple headed warrior
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Battling the one man, mushroom headed yogurt slinger
Being my own best friend
Beating the meat
relaxing the bologna

Blowing the horn
Shaking hands with Richard Cranium
Meeting the President
Burp the worm
Calling down for more mayo
Caning the vandal
Charm the snake
Choke Kojak
Choke the chicken
Cleaning out your account
Clearing the snorkel
Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally
Consulting with your silent partner
Couch hockey for one
Crank the love pump

Crown the king
Cuff the kielbasa
Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
Date Miss Michigan (The finger lakes, get it?)
Digital penile oscillation
Do handiwork
Drain the monster
Engage in safe sex
Fiddle the flesh flute
Firing the pound gun
Fist your mister
Saying hello to Mr. Richard
Petting the mule
Fondle your flagpole
Freeing Willey

Gallop the old lizard
Gardening with the golden trowel
Get the German soldier marching
Polishing the pole
Varnishing the wood
Giving yourself a low fist bump
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Greasing the mechanism
Greasing the three-legged cow
Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
Doing some wrist work
Hugging the hog
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jacking the hammer
Jerkin' the gherkin
Liquidating the inventory
Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne (Couldn't hate the Scooby Doo reference.)
Love the Muppet
Make the bald man puke
Making chowder with sailor Ned
Manual labor
Shake the protein maker
One gun salute
Paddle the pickle
One-night-stand with yourself
Painting the ceiling
Darning the sock
Play a little five-on-one
Play pocket pinball

Tagging the pink torpedo  
Play Uno
Polish Percy in your palm
Pull your taffy
Pump the Python
Relishing your hot dog
Smack the salami
Taking a load off
Tickle the pickle
Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
Windsurf on Mount Baldy
Work things out
Yank the yo-yo
Wrist aerobics

Alright that seems like a pretty good list for now. But if anyone has anymore to add let me hear them. I mean just type them out. No need to shout it out. Just like masturbation, keep that to yourself! And for heaven sakes wash your hands.


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