Euphemisms...

Alright I realize this post is just about as sophomoric as one guy can be, however I have been a bit deprived lately and I guess this is where my mind is at right now. I also realize in the vein of not taking myself too seriously I am about as mentally and morally as deep as a roadside puddle and sometimes that is just fine by me. Have you ever noticed how jolly the mentally incapacitated of this world truly are?

Here is something fun to try. Pick out the dumbest person you know. I mean just ignorant as the day is long. Then the next time you go to see them, bring them a lollipop, fudgicle, candy bar or some other tasty treat. Just for no reason. Then count the number of days till they stop calling you their best friend.

A few years ago I got new downstairs neighbors and they rubbed me the wrong way from the day I met them. One day they brought me Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I swear to you if that guy needed a kidney today I might step up for him.

Where was I going with all this... Oh yes I remember allow me to bring it back into focus, damn ADD, I have that in high definition I have ADHD. That joke sucks and you all deserve better. My apologies. 

Now then my post today is about euphemisms. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and when I asked him what he was doing later he said he was going home to "rub one out" and then take a nap. To which I replied wouldn't it be great if they sold pussy at the super market! Bartenders would never make another dollar. Just about every guy I know would have a weekend that looked like this: Sleep in till noon, go to the market and pick up a six-pack of pussy and a case of beer, use said products, nap, watch the game and repeat. Could you imagine the amount of shoplifting! Oh my goodness! Some guys just getting EBT cards to support their 2 pack of pussy a day habit. Oh sure it's fine for the ladies to have a drawer full of rubber dicks but try taking out a box of pussies in front of your girl next time she wants to have a little fun. I guarantee the response you get will not be what you hope for. Men would be back to ruling the world for real and not just puppets for the women behind them! I'm starting to get light headed just thinking of the implications. 

So this post is about euphemisms for masturbation among other things. Now don't get all wrinkle nosed and holier than thou on me. We all do it just some like to deny they do. Also keep in mind no matter the size of the tool we have all us guys when we are alone think we have a giant one eyed thunder stick in our pants. So none of these references will ever be about anything small or inadequate. Wondering if that is true? Just read one Penthouse Letter and see how the guys who write in describe their member. "That's when I took my purple headed love stick and dipped it into her honey pot of joy." Suddenly we become the pornographic Shakespeare as well. You really have to ask yourself who writes this kind of crap and how. I can only picture some poor schlub who just got a little something, something sitting in a dark corner with pen and pad in one hand and pecker in the other. Anywho...Here is the list I came up with. Enjoy! 

Spanking the monkey

The 5 knuckle shuffle

Poking little Jonny behind the ear

Flogging the dolphin

Rubbing one out. 

Taming the lizard

Knocking out the one eyed champ

Bopping the Bishop

Stroming the Thurmon

Playing the one hole finger flute.

Pleasing the tube steak

Waxing the carrot

Whacking off

Beating it.

Jacking

Lubing the Stanley (because he is a power tool)

A date with Rosey Palmer and her 5 friends

Abusing the wicked stick

Adjusting the antenna

Aiding and abedding a known felon

Applying the hand break

Fighting with Hank and the twins

Arm wrestling with the mean muscle

Going to war with the one eyed, purple headed warrior

Auditioning the hand puppet

Badgering the witness

Battling the one man, mushroom headed yogurt slinger

Being my own best friend

Beating the meat

relaxing the bologna

Strokin'

Blowing the horn

Shaking hands with Richard Cranium

Meeting the President

Burp the worm

Calling down for more mayo

Caning the vandal

Charm the snake

Choke Kojak

Choke the chicken

Cleaning out your account

Clearing the snorkel

Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally

Consulting with your silent partner

Couch hockey for one

Crank the love pump

Crown the king

Cuff the kielbasa

Dancing with the one-eyed sailor

Date Miss Michigan (The finger lakes, get it?)

Digital penile oscillation

Do handiwork

Drain the monster

Engage in safe sex

Fiddle the flesh flute

Firing the pound gun

Fist your mister

Saying hello to Mr. Richard

Petting the mule

Fondle your flagpole

Freeing Willey

Gallop the old lizard

Gardening with the golden trowel

Get the German soldier marching

Polishing the pole

Varnishing the wood

Giving yourself a low fist bump

Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh

Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Greasing the mechanism

Greasing the three-legged cow

Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college

Doing some wrist work

Hugging the hog

Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jacking the hammer

Jerkin' the gherkin

Liquidating the inventory

Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne (Couldn't hate the Scooby Doo reference.)

Love the Muppet

Make the bald man puke

Making chowder with sailor Ned

Manual labor

Shake the protein maker

One gun salute

Paddle the pickle

One-night-stand with yourself

Painting the ceiling

Darning the sock

Play a little five-on-one

Play pocket pinball

Tagging the pink torpedo  

Play Uno

Polish Percy in your palm

Pull your taffy

Pump the Python

Relishing your hot dog

Smack the salami

Taking a load off

Tickle the pickle

Whitewashing with Huck and Tom

Windsurf on Mount Baldy

Work things out

Yank the yo-yo

Wrist aerobics

Alright that seems like a pretty good list for now. But if anyone has anymore to add let me hear them. I mean just type them out. No need to shout it out. Just like masturbation, keep that to yourself! And for heaven sakes wash your hands.

Cheers!