Easter Bunny vs Santa Claus in a Battle Royal

Walking through the mall the other day I was noticing that the line for the Easter Bunny isn't exactly in line with it's winter counterpart Santa Claus. Seems the jolly old fat man carries a bit more clout than a 6ft bunny rabbit. Comparing the two gives us an interesting study in human behavior.

Both are costumed symbols for their perspective holiday's and oh those crazy Catholics (of which I use to be a member of) found a way to get their grubby little paws on both holidays. Santa the mascot for Christmas and the birth of Jesus. The Easter Bunny for the rising of Christ 3 days after death. Allow me to be a bit more clear...

Santa Claus is modeled after one Nikolaos of Myra (aka St. Nicolas) a 4th century saint and Greek Bishop of Myra which is in Turkey. Nikolaos is said to be the patron saint of sailors, merchants, archers, thieves, children and students. Quite the umbrella for the jolly fat guy.

Nikolaos got the reputation by being a secret gift giver by doing such things as putting coins in the shoes of children who left them out in the street for him overnight. Where the breaking and entering through the chimney came from is up in the air however his image was started by Clement Clarke Moore's 1823 poem "A Visit From St. Nicolas." The poem depicts Santa living at the North Pole with magical elves and eight flying reindeer (Rudolf always gets hosed here sort of like being the 5th Beatle.) The poem was later supported and brought to life by political cartoonist Thomas Nast.

Santa is said to have a list sort of like the KGB of old Soviet Union telling him who is naughty and nice. He brings toys to the good kids and has his very own coal mine for leaving a lump of coal for the bad. Allows parents to hang this over their kids heads for the entire year and keeps kids everywhere wondering where he hides the cameras all over the house for his everyday voyeurism.

The Easter Bunny on the other hand does not come from any particular patron saint nor is there ever any mention in the most popular book in the world (the Bible) about a 6 foot rabbit in a bow tie going house to house dropping off eggs and candy. Rabbits also to my knowledge don't lay eggs. So the little bunnies must be stealing them from the hen houses which makes them a twisted version of Robin Hood? No, that just couldn't be right.

Unless we are talking about Playboy Bunnies and it seems Santa can't even grant me those no matter how good I am and how many letters I write every year. Which then also makes Hugh Hefner God and the mansion with grotto a church. Which is not so hard to believe really seeing all the 20 year old tail he pulls yearly and how many dreams he makes come true every month for men and some women everywhere. Churches fall under the non-profit umbrella and this makes me wonder if Hugh has to pay property tax? Also with the way the Catholics like to latch on to pagan rituals and make them their own, why the catholic church has not developed a holiday around Saint Hefner?


Actually the Easter Bunny can be traced back to 13th century pre-Christian Germany. Eostra was the Goddess of Spring and fertility. Her symbol was the rabbit for their rapid rate of reproduction with a gestation period of about 30 days producing litters of 4 to 12 babies per. Err go the saying "Fuck like rabbits." Breaking this down to a short story and follow me here, Spring symbolizes rebirth, eggs symbolizes fertility. The eggs are painted in pretty spring colors to coincide with the season. Catholics wanted in yet again on another great character started by pagans and so the line of correlation was drawn from Spring to eggs, from rabbits to rebirth hanging a sharp left at Catholicism and Jesus rising from the grave 3 days after those Roman bastard's hemmed him up on a cross for saying he was the Son of God.



Alright enough history and let me bring this all back around to where I began. The mall. Why now after all this does Santa get all the shine? Simple really like all crimes follow the money. Santa sells out more than a Democrat hooker standing in front of the Republican National Convention. Toys, merchandise, music and dreams! Santa sells and even gets to headline the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! He is jolly and let's kids sit on his lap in just about every department store in the world. OK that sounds creepy, but Santa has an excellent marketing team in those little magic elves. The Easter Bunny to a kid under 7 years old is nothing more than a 6 foot rat. He doesn't talk, laugh or giggle. It just sits their with those creepy eyes and waves at passers by. I know people close to my own age that still believe in Jolly Old St. Nick. I knew the bunny was phoney at the ripe age of 10.

Easter is Christmas's bitch and there is no two ways about it. But keep giving me designer jelly beans and Reece's peanut butter eggs and screw Christmas! I will do my best to keep the bunny love alive. I hope you all will too. Here are a few good Easter cocktails for all of you.


Easter Egg
2 oz. - Cream of cocoanut
1 oz. - White Crème de Cacao
1 oz. - Cherry brandy
1 tsp. - Grenadine
1 tsp. - Blue Curacao
Drizzle glass with Chocolate syrup
Shake over ice and strain
Garnish with a Peep and a couple jelly beans

White Rabbit

.5 oz. - Amaretto 

.5 oz. - Kahlua

.5 oz. - Irish Cream

Splash of Milk

1 oz. -White Rum

Serve over ice

Spring Thyme

1 sprig of Thyme
10 - Blueberries
3 - Lemon wedges
.25 oz. - Honey
2 oz. - Vodka
Splash of Cranberry
Splash of St. Germaine
Muddle blueberries and lemon wedges
Fill highball glass with ice
Add Honey, St. Germaine, Cranberry and Vodka
Shake with ice and add a sprig of Thyme

Happy Easter!

Cheers!