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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Finally a Good Raffle Prize

Alright kids everyone get your mats out and sit Indian style on them cause Uncle Charley is about to tell you a story. This is a is a true story about the Great Raffle. This story starts a long time ago in a land far far away...

OK seriously this is just a funny story I was telling a friend of mine the other day. Not everything in my life I am particularly proud of but I rarely do anything out of spite and I always try to keep everything good in nature. Well this is one of those times where the intention was good but what happened is very wrong but funny as hell all at the same time.

I was working in sales and marketing for a little FM radio station by day. The station was an adult contemporary station and their target audience by their own admission was the soccer moms. The ones bee - bopping around in their mini vans all day picking up and dropping off little Britney, Dakota, Kyle or Destiny. Not sure what a "soccer mom" is? Just picture a women in their 30's to 40's, minivan or oversize SUV, short hair "sensible hair cuts that co-inside with flat sensible shoes, muffin tops, jeans that come over the belly, fanny packs and the most uttered words being "I'm not doing to bad for someone who has 2 kids." That my friends is the A typical "soccer mom." And this was my target audience. A good portion of my advertisers where hair salons, nail shops and if you where lucky a car dealership who wanted to run ads in heavy rotation with their co-op dollars from the corporation. I feel like a slimy radio ad sales guy just talking about it.

Be that as it may be I use to spend my morning listening to Howard Stern and afternoon drive to Opie and Anthony the days before satellite radio and thank God for Sirius now so this tradition continues. My mind was in no way focused toward this group of women. Well I picked up a local bar and pool hall comfortably situated in a strip mall between a Golds Gym and Tile shop across town. The bar wanted to improve on their image and generate business on Thursday nights. The bar was normally known for rock bands on the weekends. pool tables and owners so deep into cocaine they had Pablo Escobar on speed dial.

The plan was to have dance and hip hop music, along with big prize packages in hopes of these ladies breaking free from their marital shackles every Thursday night. Where there are women, men are sure to follow and pack the bar to the gills. My job was to go find these prize packages and put the whole thing together. The first few times my packages where things like a free dinner at the local Chili's or a hair and nail package at some salon and that seemed all well and good but we weren't getting much in the way of crowds despite the heavy rotation of commercials we ran every day during heavy drive times. Then "Evil Charles" took over... (Insert evil laugh here.)

My thought was to start making this into an adult carnival. Pack the bar with so much to do and see that you just have to go from week to week to see what all the buzz is about. So on any given week there could be anything from palm readers to modeling agencies doing head shots right there in the bar. We had clowns another week and people doing balloon animals the next we had massage artists and body painters. I was being asked to not only get all this stuff together and do give aways and keep it going but they started to ask me to jump behind the bar and this was the start really of my bartending career. You just never knew what I would dig up next and it started to give the bar a good business on Thursday nights in this seedy rock and roll pool hall we made hip hop night with one of the stations DJ's a hit.

Valentines Day was coming and there was an adult toy store in the middle of town run by a stripper who went by the name of Paris. She was a leggy black woman with a huge gap in her front teeth and small breasts and cross eyed as the day is long. But I loved going into her shop because she sold "clothing" to all the strippers around the area and any time I went in there rest assure at least 3 "dancers" would be in her shop trying on an assortment of doilies and mile high shoes. Keep in mind these were not beauty queens by far. In fact the spot Paris was a dancer at was more of a biker bar where all the strippers had either a gun shot or a noticeable limp. Tattoos a plenty to hide the track marks and if you look close enough on most of them you can see where people had been poking them with the 10 foot pole. But I was young and stripper was still on my bucket list along with midget, but that is another story for another day.

Every time I asked her about advertising on my station she turned me away but I kept trying! With Valentines Day coming on a Thursday my plan was to put together a sexy night complete with a "Naughty Nighty" fashion show brought to you by none other than Paris and her loveable half naked dancers. Paris was also good friends of the guys who ran the pool hall mostly for the nose candy that was highly prevalent and rarely hidden. Connect the dots and we had the fashion show and a basket of adult toys for a give away. The station had a guitar signed by Bono of U2 they were also up for giving away that night. Things where shaping up nicely.

Now to wrap it all up with a big sweet bow I got a dinner for two at a local 4 star restaurant and I was going to get a limo for the night as well for the lucky winner. Here is where it took the ultimate twist. After several calls I finally got a limo company owner that was interested in doing this with the radio station. He was a new business and he had an interesting side business. On the side he had a brand new escort business. Turns out this budding pimp just talked a few young ladies into being escorts and he was well on his way to making his first million. The catch was he would do the whole night but only if he could advertise the escort business as well as the limo company. There was no way on Gods green earth my boss would allow this to go over his air waves. So the deal was to advertise the limo company over the air and then all the in club mentions of sponsors would be for his escorts. Then to really drive the point home he was going to bring a few of the lovely ladies to come meet people and pass out fliers about their services. Brilliant!

The big night came and the place filled up to the rafters! The night was a huge hit. One problem, the guitar never arrived and we had been talking about this HUGE prize on air pretty much the entire month! We had tickets to see a completely unknown at the time artist named "Pink." A basket chock full of vibrators, jellies, jams, dildos, lube and maybe even a farm animal or two presented by a group of 4 strippers complete with a coupon book for 5 free lap dances and free entry to their den of iniquity. We had a dinner for two at a four star restaurant, flowers to say "I'm sorry I missed Valentines Day to go to this skanky event in hopes of trading up for you but I got drunk, didn't get any and now I'm back to you the day after Valentines Day." And even a limo for the night. What could I do to fill the spot of the grand prize guitar? 

When it was time to draw a name and for the big prize package I was trying to ask him what we could do and if he had anything in his coffers to give away of value. However he was completely no help as he wrangled 2 of the strippers up to the high tower DJ booth for BJ's and a little slap and tickle time while he was working the music. Talented bastard I'd say. I asked one of the strippers to pull a name out of a hat and I put the hat as close to my zipper as possible but no dice there. She went straight for the hat and pulled out a guys name.

Quick joke: What is the difference between a bitch and a whore? 
A whore fucks everyone. A bitch fucks everyone except for you! 

So looks like I was left to my own devises. Me without adult supervision in most any circumstance is usually not a great idea, here however it got worse. After a little looking around I spotted out Limo owner/ Pimp and decided to do a little schmoozing with him and the girls. I saw the guy that won the package and this guy looked like he couldn't get laid in a Chinese whore house with a hand full of yen and a pocket full of green cards. So what is the one thing that would take this guys mind off the guitar?? If you answered another name for calling a cat a kitten you are correct!

I asked what it would take for him to kick in with the limo ride one of his brand new hookers. Uh-hmm I mean Escorts. Whats the difference really though. Let's face it I know one is suppose to be higher paid and prettier but when it all comes down to it they both need a towel after the "date." Well the girl he had was pretty young and if I had to guess I would say 20 if a day over 19. I know she wasn't legal to drink but the strippers kept slipping her drinks all night. She was in a tight little dress and high heels that she had no idea how to walk in. God Bless America the Pimp/ Limo owner was down for the idea and for a few extra mentions in the club and for the limo company on air it was a deal.

Yup! You guessed it! I raffled off a hooker!

Friday morning the daily sales meeting comes around and the first question was from my uptight, however flamboyantly gay boss. I know what an odd combination. "So Charles how was the Valentines Day event last night?" "Oh pretty good. You know the usual stuff. A little drinking, dancing, and raffling off hookers." I say. My boss looks at me for a second and says "Ha ha ha that's funny. Your crazy Charles. Seriously though glad to hear it went well. OK here are everyone's numbers for the week..." To this day I'm pretty sure he has no idea. Even better I got a call a week later from the Limo owner/ Pimp and the night was great just like after Chinese food they both got their cookies and the escort got a free dinner and flowers out of the deal on top of it all. Better yet the Pimp/ Limo owner wanted to do it again!


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